Wife moved to parents on opposite coast #2

[Cali08]

So an update since my divorce conversation with her on the last day before I left Alaska to come home.

She has been reaching out to me more often and talking to me pretty normally and our conversations seem a lot more warm in general. Instead of her two to three words answers and it being like pulling teeth to make conversation with her she is actually talking to me like we are friends and keeping the conversation going. Even when she falls asleep she will continue with me after she wakes up and tells me a lot of what she is doing. Before she wouldn't tell me anything at all that she was up too. The conversations actually go pretty long and constant and late into the night too. Her reaction time is ten times faster then it was before.

She even has reached out to one of my little cousins who looked to my wife a lot like an older sister. My cousin has been pretty hurt by what my wife has done, for one, recently her father pretty much abandoned her and her sisters along with their mother in a recent divorce. My cousin told me it just feels like exactly what her dad did to her. Anyway my wife reached out to her, but it was kind of odd with how she started it out. She started the text out with "I don't know what your cousin(ME) or your Aunt(my mother) has told you, but I am sorry I left so suddenly. I really do miss and love you and I want you to know you can reach out to me anytime you would like." My cousin was nice to her, but didn't really know how to talk to her so she just said thank you. I feel bad for my little cousin because my wife and her had a ton in common and she was someone who was a stable person in her life right now. It is what it is I guess.

My mother actually had about a 5 min conversation with her today, which she said was much more warm than normal although my mom was the one that reached out to her. It a matter of fact I am currently texting back and forth with her right now and it 2 am her time, which is a very odd thing for her to be doing according to how she was acting and texting towards me before.

This marks the first time she has reached out to anyone on her own accord. My family has been reaching out to her a lot and continue to do so even though she barely responds to them. I told them it is fine to do as long as you are just letting her know you care about her and miss her without pushing anything about our marriage on her. I am not investing anything into her behavior other than it has changed it seems and she is warmer towards me too, but that is all I take it for. How would you guys take this change in her behavior?

I am still contemplating taking her to Colorado for go through a 2 day course with Michelle, that is if it is even doable money wise. She said she would do it just to appease me, but thinks it is a waste of time and money since she has already made up her mind about things. I told her I think that it would actually be healthy for both of us regardless what the outcome is. That being said if you guys can give me a very non biased view on doing the coaching with her in Colorado I would appreciate it.

One last thought I had. My wife has always gotten rid of things and said it makes her feel better to do it. Like as soon as she moved back in with her parents and right before she left my house she got rid of a lot of things. I was just thinking that I was the ultimate shedding of things to help her feel better. Along with the West Coast and my family as something to shed to make her feel better. Anyway I thought it was an interesting thought and it made sense to me.

[Cali08]

Oh and I am also thinking on sending my mother in-law some flowers for mothers day with a note. Something along the lines of apologizing for anything hurt I have put her through and not being the best son in-law that I could have been and wishing that we would have come to visit much more than I have. Is that a bad idea? It honestly has nothing to do with my wife and what we are going through, but my wife has painted a picture that I didn't wish for my mother in-law to have of me, so I wanted to tell her I realize that I could have done better and I am sorry that I didn't.

[25yearsmlc]

more to write later but


Doing something like quitting my job and moving to the East Coast [b]isn't a practical decision at this point in time. I know this is vice versa for her, but she can always just run back to mom and dads house, I don't have the same luxury as her unfortunately. [/b]

this^^ makes me crazy.



get out of your own way - Stop making this about how your reasons are better & more "practical!" Your wife isn't well. She has serious medical issues.

She needs even more of a support system (her family and friends) than most women her age, and you still refuse to see that. You cannot provide that. Period.

You dance around the elephant in the room, and you do all these contortions & maneuvers to "get her to meet with MWD" _like that is cheap but NO, you cannot switch coasts or jobs and
you do all this to MAKE YOUR W COME TO YOU

and then you scratch your head and you wonder if it's political motivations that are concerning her parents...??

!!

[25yearsmlc]

if you somehow "manage" to get her to return to the West Coast,

you will not have resolved the underlying issues in her OR in you. This stubborn streak is very concerning to me.

Here is what my h said before his FIRST Crisis.

He kept wanting to return to Alaska where IN MY EYES there was nothing for MY career and no family or life long friends near (and I'm an extrovert, so yes I made new ones, but it's not the same). It was not the urban area I'd need and the one "urban" area is a small city/big town by US standards.

Oh, and it had brutal winters, incredibly far from my people, there were lousy schools for the kids, and the people were the least friendly I'd ever met in 9 moves...(Hermits??)

I could go on. Mind you, I loved parts of it. But the pressure to remain their forever was a real drag.

But to hear h tell it, I was "irrational" to not want to return. Like it my reasons were all emotional AND as if that was not a "good" reasons. Mind you, we had lived there 3 years and btw, the kids did not want to stay either.

HIS claimed reasons were all work related (which I don't believe were true, in retrospect, but its' what his arguments were)

But as an MD, it was not I who was irrational to want to avoid going back, it was h for not being able to do his thing anywhere else. He could/can go into any state and most countries and do his work.

So his reasons could not have been what he listed, - he's an MD,

but rather, 1) b/c he LIKED it there, and thought that should be enough bc

he was...him...But he knew how that "sounded" so he pretended it was rational and practical and really all work/money/practicality related,

and 2) I think his stubborn obsession was also partly b/c he had never been denied anything in our marriage before...or as he put it "never failed at anything".

Yet in HIS eyes, I was irrational, "not practical"...

in every MC's eyes he was either selfish, acting single, a bit obsessed and all 4 said stubborn (we went to 4)

10 years later, I'm near my family, but would have been willing to live in 47 of the 50 states for him...

and he's up there. Who "won"?

[180Man]

get out of your own way - Stop making this about how your reasons are better & more "practical!" Your wife isn't well. She has serious medical issues.

She needs even more of a support system (her family and friends) than most women her age, and you still refuse to see that. You cannot provide that. Period.

Cali, let me just add this...when my W was MEDEVAC'd from Afghanistan, I found the next C-17 flight to Germany and spent almost two weeks with her there at the hospital. And then when they determined she couldn't go back downrange and had to go home, they wouldn't let me fly with her. I had to beg my way into a spare seat on a C-5. Then I spent several weeks with her in and out of doctor's appointments before I had to return to work. I went back to work on the opposite side of the country and my boss said "wtf are you doing here, go be with your wife!" and he helped me get permanently reassigned to the other side of the country to be with her. When it became apparent that this was a long-term illness and that she might lose her job, that I might be deployed for 8+ months leaving her home alone in a strange city with medical problems and no support network, I decided...fùck it. So I found a way to leave active duty and get a job near her family so we could have a support network. It wasn't a perfect solution and I didn't necessarily do it all the right way -- there's more to the story but that's not the point here. In the end I didn't have to go through with it because she started to get better, but we came close.

It sounds like you need to do the same, or at least do some research and look around for other opportunities near your wife and her family. What would her reaction be even if you simply mentioned you were looking for other jobs? The mere fact that you try may mean a lot, even if you don't end up leaving your job.

But I will say this...I love my job (well, the job I had before I got this damn desk). It's one of the coolest jobs ever. They make movies about the stuff you poor tax payers pay me to do! It's awesome. But there's one thing I've had multiple different COs tell me over the years..."The military is great, but after you do your 20 years and retire, all you'll have left is your family, so take care of them first."

I was willing to walk away from a dream job for love. Are you?

[Lana_71]

Hi Cali

It is great that you and your wife are on talking grounds. At least at the moment she can have a friend in you. Unfortunately I think your wife has her Fantasies of love and happiness and somehow very confused of what she wants. I don't know how much depressed she is but yes staying close to her support system is important. Nevertheless I don't think you should quit your good paying job at the moment. Take things gradual see how your relationship progress.look for options. As you said you can work from anywhere in the US so it will not matter . Make your resting time in the east coast for the time being. Don't take irrational decision now and rush. Start spending time maybe taking leaves. In my opinion don't push for MC. Try to be her friend but let her figure things out too. From your writings I feel she keeps thinking there is something better somewhere else . Like she is lost and looking for happiness. Give her time to mature and find what makes her happy.

Take your time and don't rush into fast decisions discuss options with her gradually to see what she would like but for the time being let her stay at her parents and make sure you spend your vacations close to her if possible.

Later on what ever the consequence is you will feel better with your self that you tried.Nothing is guaranteed .

[Cali08]

more to write later but


Doing something like quitting my job and moving to the East Coast [b]isn't a practical decision at this point in time. I know this is vice versa for her, but she can always just run back to mom and dads house, I don't have the same luxury as her unfortunately. [/b]

this^^ makes me crazy.

Believe me it drives me crazy too! If it were only so simple....






get out of your own way - Stop m[/color]aking this about how your reasons are better & more "practical!" Your wife isn't well. She has serious medical issues.

She needs even more of a support system (her family and friends) than most women her age, and you still refuse to see that. You cannot provide that. Period.

You dance around the elephant in the room, and you do all these contortions & maneuvers to "get her to meet with MWD" _like that is cheap but NO, you cannot switch coasts or jobs and
you do all this to MAKE YOUR W COME TO YOU

and then you scratch your head and you wonder if it's political motivations that are concerning her parents...??

!!
[/color]

I know you think I dance around the elephant in the room, but I truly don't think being on the West Coast is the real issue at all. She seems to be looking for things she thinks I won't bend on to throw monkey wrenches in our relationship. She has personal depression to deal with and when the fun wears off at home and it becomes normal for her to be there she will still be dealing with all the same issues she had living with me unfortunately. Besides that I have never told her that I absolutely wouldn't move to the East Coast. I just don't dwell on it with her because it's just a cover up for her real issues that she hasn't ever dealt with and what the experts say are fueling her episodes. Past traumatic issues that were never properly dealt with and not to mention her mommy issues. She never had a good relationship with her until she moved away. So no I am not ignoring it, but I truly deep down, and so do others that know her well, think that living with me isn't the real issue.

All that being said, which I have talk to her before about, If we took more trips to see her family more often then she wouldn't feel the same about being on the West Coast away from family. On the other hand, being around my family is at a critical point, which she very well knows and has also mentioned herself. I will soon be the father figure in my niece and nephews life because they are losing theirs and it's not that he is divorcing my sister, but the fact that brother in-law is dying. My wife was also part of that support system for my niece and nephew, but has since skipped out of that. She owes my niece and nephew a very personal call to give a heart to heart with them. It's to the point where we are going to have to let them know that another person is about to leave their life. They are not stupid, but are starting to ask when their aunt is going to come back. My wife on the other hand is only close with her immediate family and none of them are on a very short timeline. My wife told me straight out that she knows that I need to be here for my family at this time.

Again I don't believe simply moving to the East Coast would magically fix any of her issues since it is mainly with herself. I know I could have made things easier, which I would love to remedy, but here we are. I wish moving and quitting my job would fix it, but I think that is just wishful thinking at the best. I wonder why I am suddenly back on the menu as someone to communicate with as of lately. Are her buddies or who ever they are to her not keeping her attention anymore or were they just busy and I was her last option. Like I said I don't really know and I try not to put any stock in why she is talking to me more like a friend or even why she finally reached out to one of my family members on her own at all.

[Cali08]

if you somehow "manage" to get her to return to the West Coast,

you will not have resolved the underlying issues in her OR in you. This stubborn streak is very concerning to me.

Here is what my h said before his FIRST Crisis.

He kept wanting to return to Alaska where IN MY EYES there was nothing for MY career and no family or life long friends near (and I'm an extrovert, so yes I made new ones, but it's not the same). It was not the urban area I'd need and the one "urban" area is a small city/big town by US standards.

Oh, and it had brutal winters, incredibly far from my people, there were lousy schools for the kids, and the people were the least friendly I'd ever met in 9 moves...(Hermits??)

I could go on. Mind you, I loved parts of it. But the pressure to remain their forever was a real drag.

But to hear h tell it, I was "irrational" to not want to return. Like it my reasons were all emotional AND as if that was not a "good" reasons. Mind you, we had lived there 3 years and btw, the kids did not want to stay either.

HIS claimed reasons were all work related (which I don't believe were true, in retrospect, but its' what his arguments were)

But as an MD, it was not I who was irrational to want to avoid going back, it was h for not being able to do his thing anywhere else. He could/can go into any state and most countries and do his work.

So his reasons could not have been what he listed, - he's an MD,

but rather, 1) b/c he LIKED it there, and thought that should be enough bc

he was...him...But he knew how that "sounded" so he pretended it was rational and practical and really all work/money/practicality related,

and 2) I think his stubborn obsession was also partly b/c he had never been denied anything in our marriage before...or as he put it "never failed at anything".

Yet in HIS eyes, I was irrational, "not practical"...

in every MC's eyes he was either selfish, acting single, a bit obsessed and all 4 said stubborn (we went to 4)

10 years later, I'm near my family, but would have been willing to live in 47 of the 50 states for him...

and he's up there. Who "won"?

I see your point, but does comparing a place like Alaska to California the same? I am sure you're saying I sound like your husband, but the areas she lived in and where I live in are really close in comparison other then better weather where I am and less traffic. She used to really love it on the West Coast according to her and past conversations we have had. Anyway I see what you're saying and I am thinking on it for sure. I could simply pose the question to her and ask if me moving to the East Coast would be the answer to things. She has told me straight out that it would be impractical for me to do so and lose the house in almost those exact words, but maybe I should pose it again. I think I will just create the next issue to deal with because I still don't think that is the answer.

So tell me, do you think I should ask her if moving there would make a difference?

[Cali08]

get out of your own way - Stop making this about how your reasons are better & more "practical!" Your wife isn't well. She has serious medical issues.

She needs even more of a support system (her family and friends) than most women her age, and you still refuse to see that. You cannot provide that. Period.

Cali, let me just add this...when my W was MEDEVAC'd from Afghanistan, I found the next C-17 flight to Germany and spent almost two weeks with her there at the hospital. And then when they determined she couldn't go back downrange and had to go home, they wouldn't let me fly with her. I had to beg my way into a spare seat on a C-5. Then I spent several weeks with her in and out of doctor's appointments before I had to return to work. I went back to work on the opposite side of the country and my boss said "wtf are you doing here, go be with your wife!" and he helped me get permanently reassigned to the other side of the country to be with her. When it became apparent that this was a long-term illness and that she might lose her job, that I might be deployed for 8+ months leaving her home alone in a strange city with medical problems and no support network, I decided...fùck it. So I found a way to leave active duty and get a job near her family so we could have a support network. It wasn't a perfect solution and I didn't necessarily do it all the right way -- there's more to the story but that's not the point here. In the end I didn't have to go through with it because she started to get better, but we came close.

It sounds like you need to do the same, or at least do some research and look around for other opportunities near your wife and her family. What would her reaction be even if you simply mentioned you were looking for other jobs? The mere fact that you try may mean a lot, even if you don't end up leaving your job.

I actually have been looking for jobs and having my mother also help me keep an eye out. I have told her, but it didn't seem to phase her at all and it was as if I didn't even say it.
I have been making lots of changes to make more money while at home even if it's not close to what I need yet, but I am going in that direction the best I can until I can find a job to cover my bills.


But I will say this...I love my job (well, the job I had before I got this damn desk). It's one of the coolest jobs ever. They make movies about the stuff you poor tax payers pay me to do! It's awesome. But there's one thing I've had multiple different COs tell me over the years..."The military is great, but after you do your 20 years and retire, all you'll have left is your family, so take care of them first."

I have heard this before and even my father in-law said something about that because he had to deal with my mother in-law just skipping out when ever she wanted too. They are still very dysfunctionally married. I don't think they ever to this day share a bed together and my mother in-law has a best friend that is slightly older than her daughter (my wife). Loves to still party like she is younger still I guess. They are polar opposites, yet even they are able to stick it out together with their extremely rough past ,which our situation pales to in comparison.

I was willing to walk away from a dream job for love. Are you?

[Cali08]

Hi Cali

It is great that you and your wife are on talking grounds. At least at the moment she can have a friend in you. Unfortunately I think your wife has her Fantasies of love and happiness and somehow very confused of what she wants. I don't know how much depressed she is but yes staying close to her support system is important. Nevertheless I don't think you should quit your good paying job at the moment. Take things gradual see how your relationship progress.look for options. As you said you can work from anywhere in the US so it will not matter . Make your resting time in the east coast for the time being. Don't take irrational decision now and rush. Start spending time maybe taking leaves. In my opinion don't push for MC. Try to be her friend but let her figure things out too. From your writings I feel she keeps thinking there is something better somewhere else . Like she is lost and looking for happiness. Give her time to mature and find what makes her happy.

Take your time and don't rush into fast decisions discuss options with her gradually to see what she would like but for the time being let her stay at her parents and make sure you spend your vacations close to her if possible.

Later on what ever the consequence is you will feel better with your self that you tried.Nothing is guaranteed .

Lana. I feel like you see my reasoning. I am exactly at the cross roads you have described. I am not about to make rash decisions and chase after something that is running from me. She has to make some steps back towards me for me to even think about losing my home and quitting my job and moving to the east coast. I really believe my wife can be happy on the West Coast if I changed my priorities to being about our relationship more. I think she is still very confused and looking for happiness because she has no clue what that even looks like. She is going to be depressed with or with out me if she doesn't learn how to deal with it now and I can tell you that she isn't going to be so lucky to find a man who will put up with many of the issues she has. Most people would run far away from her and not look back, unfortunately men are not men now a days. The millennial mind set is so different and commitment is almost none existent with them and that is my wifes age bracket and a good reason why we matched so well. She doesn't find the millennial mind set attractive at all.

I have tried to spend time with her and around her family, but she doesn't want me there. I spend a large amount of time working very close to her, but she wouldn't come see me and wouldn't invite me to go there. I have also offered to come with me to Alaska and Hawaii to spend time with me, but she completely ignores my invites. It's a good reason why I don't want to move to the East Coast, she still doesn't even want to be around me it seems. I strongly feel like I would be intruding even if I stayed in a hotel near by when I was not working. She makes me feel very unwelcome.