Wow Sky, you hit the nail on the head. I think I jumped to "piecing" and it wasn't, it was me so desperate to keep him that I was willing to settle for whatever he would give. Not anymore.
Last night we talked for 3.5 hours. WH was awkward and kind of verbally stumbled saying he wasn't sure what to say but he wanted us to just talk. Color me shocked, this guy avoids relationship conversations since we first married. I told him point blank I had already spoken to a lawyer and there was no way to have a separation agreement in Florida, it was divorce or nothing. When I mentioned divorcing him so casually he looked a bit surprised. A few time she mentioned that we were just a bad match and I shouldn't try to twist myself into a pretzel for him. I told I wasn't anymore, that I had given up and had embraced a future without him. I told him I would be fine and looked forward to dressing up nice for someone else, that I was excited to find someone to show the new, improved Sara too.
WH was taken aback and said he felt I deserved better than him, I agreed. The tone changed and WH said we should take it one day at a time and see where it leads. I told him I was just moving forward and I just couldn't be bothered to try anymore. We then talked a lot about where we both went wrong in marriage. He started to criticize my personality and I shut that down. I told him he needed to clean up his own backyard. I told him I saw no real change in him and I was done trying to change myself. If he wasn't changing after all this mess then I was not motivated to try and work on myself to make him happy. Weirdly enough our conversation ended nicely.
This morning when WH woke he looked awful, he admitted to only getting about an hour of sleep. That was VERY weird as he has slept like a baby since this whole awful affair BD. Meanwhile I am usually the one losing sleep and tossing and turning. Last night I slept like the dead and had a great day at work. The saga continues.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
You reclaimed your power. Guess what, someone can only point a gun at you once and threaten to shoot. If they don't pull the trigger, it isn't much of a threat the next time. When I stopped caring about whether my H filed (another raging narcissist), I reclaimed my power and I have felt better ever since. You will too.
You go girl! So proud and happy to hear how confident you are. Will continue to pray that the saga continues for a positive outcome.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
(((Sara))) I am so proud of you. You are a shining example of what happens after the hard work of 180s, GAL, and self reflection; the natural consequence is detachment. When detachment genuinely starts--not the pretending or forcing--they do notice! The energy is finally shifting as you are finding your power and no longer doing/saying things to get a reaction from him. You are well on your way!
He sees you detaching, getting stronger, and planning a life without him. And it is giving him pause. ... Will he change, self reflect, and commit to the M? I have no idea, but until he shows you that--with consistent actions over time--I would say keep on keepin on, sister!
XOXO Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Hello friends! It's been an interesting week with a lot of developments between WH and I. I continue to be detached, and I mean truly, emotionally detached; meanwhile WH is pursuing. The funny thing is, I am not feeling that "high" I felt in the past when WH appeared to be coming around. He's relapsed so many times that I am keeping my guard up and moving forward. I am backing off asking him to move out as I really have no legal leg to stand on while we're married.
Throughout the week WH has asked about my health, joked with me, and even asked me twice to have a R conversation. One time I had one but the other time I told him I needed a break. This is a HUGE 180 for me as I used to chase, chase, chase the R talks. Now I feel very neutral about having them. Last night I got a call from work about an admission (my On Call night) and was walking through the living room giving orders (WH had dozed off on the couch and I had been sleeping in bed) and WH woke up. He asked me to sit by him and we had a long, languid talk. Then we...ML. What can I say, I hadn't had sex in over a month and had a hunger. The weird thing was afterward I felt fine but WH followed me to bed and cuddled me. I uh...read a book. lol! Today he kissed my face multiple times before going to work and I spent the day home relaxing with the kids. I had no impulse to text him, check on him or pursue. When WH came home he asked about my health again and we talked about dinner. I ordered in delivery and now I am chilling on my laptop while WH watches one of the Bourne movies.
What's the future hold for us? I have no idea and I am utterly at peace with it. If we end up divorcing it will be okay, I will be okay. I've never really felt this at peace before, it's bone deep. I still think about the affair but there is a softening in me, WH messed up so bad but there is no going back and fixing it. Now I am not afraid to tell him my boundaries, if it angers him then that's his problem. But no more doormat, no more eggshells, if he leave then he leaves.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
You go, girl! I knew you had this all along. You are so VERY strong, as a woman, a wife, a mother, a doctor...... keep doing what you're doing. Mainly though, self check all along and make sure you're the focus, and that you'll be OK no matter the outcome of this marriage. I'm so proud of you!!! OH, AND HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Things continue to unroll in this weird limbo. The difference is I just don't feel anxious anymore. If he threatens to leave then I will smile gently and help him pack and open the door. I just stopped caring and I can't pinpoint the exact moment. Was it a mixture of the last year and a half of disrespect or my recent health issues? I can't answer that questions.
But I've started really enjoying my children more, feeling the sun on my skin, the air through my hair, I enjoy my various interests again. Life is good. I enjoy my work again and feel satisfaction at the end of each day. I have reached one of my highest goals, to work as a doctor, have a healthy family and spend each evening home with my children. If WH cannot fox himself and join this wonderful circle of love and happiness then I will have to move forward without him. And that's okay.
We've ML two more times and I am starting to act like a dude. Afterward I tell him good night and conk out. :lol: Before I used to ponder over if he felt anything for me, was he feeling connected to me? Was I enough to satisfy him? Now I realize that he will only be able to love me like I deserve if he can face his deep seated issues and conquer them. It really has nothing to do with me, this twisted road he is walking down. It's so freeing.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
What can I say, I hadn't had sex in over a month and had a hunger. The weird thing was afterward I felt fine but WH followed me to bed and cuddled me. I uh...read a book. lol! Today he kissed my face multiple times before going to work and I spent the day home relaxing with the kids. I had no impulse to text him, check on him or pursue. When WH came home he asked about my health again and we talked about dinner. I ordered in delivery and now I am chilling on my laptop while WH watches one of the Bourne movies.