Round 2

[Tryin2figuritout]

More advice needed and appreciated. It's mainly around plain / direct talk about the situation with the W without pushing into R or M talks. I'll give y'all the short version and then add in details below for my therapy. :-)

I apologized to the W yesterday evening for not being there for her when she voiced her comments that "this is all getting real". I wasn't a jerk, but I did not validate enough and recognized this. Lead to good discussions, but ultimately she said "I just feel so selfish for doing all this." I left this statement alone even though my inner self said "you darn right you are" (not exactly those words, but this board censors everything so....)

Working with my IC today I mentioned this and he recommended that I should have voiced my feelings that I believe she is being selfish here. He suggested this in terms of me working my depression and being more assertive with feelings, thoughts?

Additional venting, background, therapy: I'm ... to a tee and avoid conflict like the plague. It's clearly got me nowhere. I held back from making any statement on her admission of selfishness due to my thinking that interjecting my comments on it would lead to or be perceived as fighting for the M or R. I see now that it's just my feelings on her statement and our sitch in general.

She talked about not being able to be in a marriage like this and I know she means our lack of intimacy. I validated these comments and agreed with her. It took everything within me to not go on some heroic speech about my contributions to our issues, my work on depression, listening, etc. I knew that this is not the time.

She's on her own path and she's isolated herself from her friends and family. I know the other shoe will drop at some point and curious what will happen then. I don't see it dropping for some time because we'll have the initial period of settling on separate time with the kids and the apartment. We've got vacation planned around Memorial Day (she's first half of week and I'm back half of week) with my In-Laws.

Before I keep rambling, my ultimate need here is just what's the boundary on venting my feelings and not getting into trying to work on R or M.

About to leave for lease signing. Hope everyone has a good day.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Well, I'm now a lessee and just signed a one-year lease for a one bedroom apt that I'll share with the W. After work, the W is coming home to load up stuff, I'll take some and my SIL will grab some stuff to bring up.

Kidos are going to help as well so they understand all of what's happening. It's on the 3rd floor, so I'm ready to hear complaints on the first run up the stairs. I'm excited about the stairs for exercise purpose.

Place is really nice and it's such a great location. They've replaced carpet, flooring, lights and slapped some fresh paint on it. Coffee mornings on the balcony might be louder than I'd like as it's situated on a busy street, but that's ok.

Would really appreciate feedback on my questions above. Thanks!!

[LH19]

Tryin,

I am very sorry you had to come back here again. I can only tell you that I have expressed to my wife that filing for divorce is the most selfish thing she will ever do in her life and she got very angry with me.

I think at this point you need to let your wife walk her path and you walk yours and maybe at some point your paths meet again.

Enjoy your new bachelor pad!

[Tryin2figuritout]

Thanks LH. What stinks is she said it, not me, so it would have been some validating that was sweet too.

I'd put bachelor pad in quotes. The W and I are sharing so when we're not at the house with the kidos we're at the apartment. The beer can stack will have to be cleaned up and laundry washed. :-)

[Thornton]

Hang in there, Tryin. I'm sure you are trying to come to grips with the upcoming changes.

I think you have been handling yourself very well.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Thanks Thornton. I had been doing well, but lost it a bit tonight during our move. I guess she just hit a big red button on me and I vented.

My SIL came to help move with my W and two kids. Once we got everything up, the kids wanted to check out the pool at the apartment and it was just me and the W. W said something about the kids dealing with the changes in our M and I asked her to define what she meant by "changes in our marriage".

I remained fairly calm during all this, but I was just fed up with a phrase like "changes in our marriage" when she's just a walking away. That's not changes in OUR M, that's just her decision. It sparked a fuse.

I honestly don't feel bad about it because I remained calm and with respect. I acknowledged and validated her feelings, but I couldn't bottle this up.

Hoping tomorrow morning brings a little clarity for me. The good news is I know my path is not different. It's me and the munchkins. We're trying to figure out where we want to go on vacation this summer for just the three of us.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Waking up to a mixed bag of emotions. I guess I've got a little clarity because I'm overwhelmed with grief that the path right now is clear to D. I'm not upset as much about me and the W, but mainly for the kids and our family unit.

I'm still strong in knowing what I've got to do to fight my depression, improve my listening skills, fight my NGS, etc. Enjoying the kids helps with all of this and my relationship with them has been better than ever, so I will not take that for granted.

Ramblings of an LBS:
1) Why not work at it? D is not a solution without significant consequences.

2) We've both acknowledged our contributions here, apologized and asked forgiveness. No rush to reconcile or work on our M. I'm excited about our separation to grant peace, space, etc. to heal. Just let that be what it is, but no decisions, right?

3) I've mentioned before we call our sitch/family the "anomaly". It's because we're extremely respectful to each other, our kids, our family. To me, there is no greater sign that this can happen than there is FAR too much good than bad in our M. Yes, I know that this is our family life and not just our R as H and W, but WAY more positives than negatives.

Feel like this is going to be a rough weekend, but we all know these come up. To all the LBS's on the board, I wish you all the best. This road is a painful one, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

[leahsue]

Hang in there, tryin! I wish there were words to help you feel better. Sometimes we just have to lean into it and keep bracing against it until it passes. I'm so sorry.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Chatted for a while with my SIL and she brought up how my W is just not herself right now (of course I've known this). Just a totally different look in her eyes and it's really freaky.

She's really in her own world right now. I'm beginning to suspect an old EA of hers. It has never been a PA, but it has been a crutch for her. We discussed this relationship in our MC last summer and she rationalized away on the significance of it. It was her outlet to intimacy since we struggled at it.

She stopped communication with him and we continued therapy for a few months. Why did I just bring up the EA? I know I'm not supposed to but I was curious who her network was after our chat last night. Looked up our phone bill and it was the usual two (young co-worker and friend who's ready to bolt from her husband too). Saw one more phone number from texting and it looked familiar and it was the EA.

Of course I only know what I know from our therapy sessions and my discussions with my W, but I honestly believe her that there's no PA here. It's more about daily comfort/intimacy that I couldn't provide her (and my W told me that his W couldn't provide him). Am I in Wayward Wife Land now?

If so, I'm assuming I call this out. My W talks about respecting each other through this process and it makes my blood boil knowing she's chatting again. I'm not flaking out on my responsibilities here, work to do, etc. Far from that. I also know this is not really on the OM, but on my W and her lack of respect for our M and R.

Help would be greatly appreciated. Will be seeing her tomorrow when we switch out for the week.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Woke up this morning feeling like I need to confront W. My intent is doing a 180 by being vocal about the disrespect shown through the EA. I've talked about my depression issues and NGS and being assertive is something I've never done.

I do not plan on making this a hostile confrontation, far from it. Simply state my feelings on this and also acknowledging my contributions to the lack of intimacy between us.

It's weird because I'm feeling this is less about saving our M and more about saving myself. I'm feeling good about that, but also a little nervous and selfish about it at the same time.

This process really challenges your thoughts on everything. I've always thought about our M as a fairytale because, and you'll laugh, we met and two weeks later were engaged and now have been married for 16 years with two beautiful kids. I've now come to understand there's no fairytale, no hollywood, $hits real and it's hard work.

My parent's method of dealing with issues was burying them or ignoring them and that's what I learned growing up. I see now how harmful that can be and am working on that with my IC.

I know we all have our different situations and have to do what works depending upon where we're at. Anyone have feedback or insight into this? I'm really looking in the mirror here and feel like it is a must to demonstrate the man who I'm becoming.

Feedback would be greatly appreciated!!!