ILYBNILWY

[EastTN]

MIL came to dinner. W, thankfully, did not. I did not bring up W at all, but I got a decent laugh because MIL did bring her up, mostly to complain about her. I didn't say much in response to that.

I talked to my mother about the advice to minimize interaction with MIL. FWIW, she agrees that MIL will always have W's interests at heart, but she sees no harm in MIL coming for dinner. She suggested that I stop inviting, and let her ask to come by, so that's what I'm going to do.

Today was a good day. Work went well, in a GOOD mood all day.
Tomorrow night will be hard, D is going to W after school because school is closed on Friday. W will actually have her more this week than I will, which is a first.

Still thinking about everything you guys said above. Kaizen... I think, yes, I would still have MIL at the house if I were dating someone else. Mach, I don't think I would skip some activity to facilitate that relationship.

[Mach1]

Mach, I don't think I would skip some activity to facilitate that relationship.

Yea, well, especially if it's Bigfoot hunting huh ??

One thing about what I was saying yesterday...

Whether it is the relationship between you and your spouse, or MIL, or whomever...

You appear to be a "fixer". Like most guys here are fixers, or reformed fixers. It's who we are, and pretty deeply ingrained into our genetic makeup.

What I see though, is that you are trying to fix a lot of crap, for a lot of people, rather than to turn that attention and effort on yourself.

Who benefits from the majority of your efforts ??

I would be willing to bet, that you are pretty far down on your list...

Where should your attention be ??


I also want to say, that CO-parenting is typically a pipedream through a Divorce, especially with an angry WAS..

It CAN happen down the road, and in rare cases, it happens quickly.

You can strive for a good relationship, but until all of the anger and resentment is gone, you will not experience true co-parenting.

And trying to fix that, or facilitate that ??

I'm not sure it's going to leave you feeling fulfilled.

Strive for it ?

Yes, by all means, do so..

Expect it ???

Expectations are a killer.

Do YOUR part, and your part only. Because the only person that you can control.....is you.


I like your plan about you asking MIL over for dinner nights...

Just be sure to express that your invitations will stop, however, she is welcome to set up a dinner night at anytime.

What plans do you have for the weekend ???

[EastTN]

The good thing about bigfoot hunting is there is no bag limit, though frankly I've never gotten to use my tags, so I must be doing something wrong.

I told MIL last night that I didn't expect to have to invite her and she was always welcome. We'll see what happens there.

Yes, I'm a fixer. It's completely ingrained. I don't even wait for people to finish talking before my mind is working on six different solutions to whatever the problem appears to be (and when they say something that invalidates one of those solutions, six more replace that one).

My whole adult life, I've put other people before myself. I've had two spouses, and always did whatever i could so they would have the freedom to do and be whatever it was they wanted or needed to be. I put first wife through nursing school, and she left me right before she graduated for the guy she was sleeping with. I let second wife be a SAHM even when we didn't need one anymore because we didn't need a second income, either, and I just wanted her to be happy.

When someone asks me what I want for Christmas or my birthday, the answer is almost always "nothing, I've got everything I need." I take joy in giving other people gifts, and don't mind if they don't get me anything in return. The only thing I've ever asked for in a relationship is love and honesty. I've always felt that with those two things, there were no insoluble problems short of death and taxes. When someone asks the inevitable "How's that working out for you?" the answer is obviously, "not too well, apparently."

I really don't know how to pay attention to myself. I can fix problems when I see them, if I care enough to (weight loss, both times I have done it, has been easy. I just had to have a reason to care enough to do it). I have no ability to maintain more than one or two close relationships at a time, and have no idea how to change that. I'm pouring everything I have into D right now, which can also be stated as "not working on me more than simple weight loss and trying to GAL."

I have plans tomorrow (board game group I found on meetup) and sunday (lunch with a "singles" group... "singles" in the sense of "not with anyone, meet new people" rather than "dating." Dating is not what I need right now, and frankly don't really want to. This is not a Beyonce song.) Saturday is "who knows" but I'm planning to stay away from the house since W said she was probably moving her stuff this weekend. That's going to hurt.

[Tryin2figuritout]

East,

I know we're not supposed to talk about other books/materials, but sounds like you should google "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and check out Glover's work there if you haven't.

It's all about recognizing some of the pitfalls of putting yourself last. Being a nice guy I can see where this has created issues for me in my R with my W.

Best of luck.

[sandi2]

And, amazingly enough.....the majority of LBH's with a WW, just happen to show signs of the NGS.

[Tryin2figuritout]

I think ... should be required reading at marriage encounters. Only issue, Sandi, is that it's like your picture reference you made for TO, we probably don't get it until we "get it". :-)

[EastTN]

I started reading ..., and there a lot of things there that have me nailed (the bit about swearing, at a young age, not to be my father jumped off the page at me).

I haven't gotten to deep into the book yet, though. My attention span is really bad right now, and it seems like I can't do anything for long periods of time. Reading is one of the great joys of my life, and I'm not capable of it right now. Ten minutes, tops, and I need to do something else.

[EastTN]

Made it about half way through ... last night. A lot of that is me. A lot of that is also not me. But a lot sure as heck is. Working on trying to be more aware of what I actually want (amusingly, I still feel like I don't really HAVE any wants. I guess it's because I've been suppressing them for so long).

Yesterday was a hard day. Not related to STBXW really, just anxiety in general that had me exhausted by 3:00 so I had to push through another 2 1/2 hours to make it to the end of the day.

My fitbit told me I had 15 floors to climb to get a stupid badge, so I walked up and down my staircase 20 times (15 to finish, 5 just because). Basically climbed a 20 story building and felt good about it. I went to sleep with a LOT of energy last night, woke up feeling great this morning.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Congrats on getting the stupid climbing badge. ;-) I think that put a positive on your morning.

Not having the wants is a big deal and absolutely its because you've suppressed them. Learning that it's ok to want and fulfill them is a big step.

Hope you have a good weekend.

[EastTN]

Talked to psychologist today, was a good meeting. Talked about wants and not really having any (was thinking mostly material at first). She asked if I had any non-material ones, and I had a few. She said it was a good start.

Operation GAL continues fairly well. The meetup group I was at tonight had about 20 people atttending, the hosts' house was pretty nice. Enjoyed playing some games I've never played before, had good conversation (most of the people there were professionals in their 30s-50s) and talked a bit with a nice french girl.

Got chatted up by a walmart cashier when I picked up the beer/soda for the evening. That's not exactly a high bar, but it was good for my self-esteem in any case.

STBXW was supposed to move out tomorrow and sunday. When I called to talk to D, I asked W if she wanted me to take D for the day while she did her stuff. Her answer was, "It depends, when are you bringing the truck?"

NOT my problem.