I am brand new to this and not really sure how to start out and how to properly get my story out there so I can work on my situation, so please be patient with me.
I met my wife while working on the road 6 years ago. She moved in with me leaving the East coast and moving to the West coast, which was a big change for her being away from family and friends. She was pretty fresh out of college and had just got her first job after graduating, which happened to be with me. We were married in Sep of 2014 and as of 3 weeks ago she left to move back to her parents while I was away for work. My wife is 10 years younger than I am and this is both of our first marriage, which I hope to be my only marriage.
She has been very depressed for a long time being away from family and friends and finding it really hard to land a job where we live in the field she went to college for. I travel %100 for work and she would often call me crying about how lonely she was and how much she missed me. I would tell her I had to work to pay the bills, especially since I was the only one making any money. I always figured it was a rough time we were just going through and we would make it through it and when we are a little more financially stable I would be able to quite my travelling job and come home. This of course never happened and I was reluctant to try to find a job at home since I knew the job market was so bad, so long story short it bothered her that I was still traveling for work. This is not to mention I met her working the same job, so she knew the ins and outs of it before hand.
In the beginning it seemed to only be bad while I was away for work. Being that her entire existence at home was through me, my friends and my family. While I was home from work we were constantly together every day because I am basically on vacation when Im not on the road working. When she finally landed a job my time at home with her was cut in half because she was gone for half the day going to work. This seemed to cause her more grief. Again I just figured it was rough for us right now, but being the optimist I am I thought it would eventually get better for us both.
When we first met the sex life was awesome, but after we got married it suffered a great deal mainly on my part in worrying about her. Let me explain. A couple weeks before we were to be married she was at my parents house with her mom and mine and she said she didn't feel well and went into the living room to lay down. Soon after she went into uncontrolled convulsions, and her temperature spiked. It was a scary situation for us all to go through. She continues to have issues with this to this day, but other complications have come along with it such as extreme mood changes going from really pissed off to really depressed and then really happy to fine again. It's a matter of fact that the sudden mood changes was what would trigger us that an episode was about to happen. All the doctor visits and specialist could find absolutely nothing wrong with her and she was as healthy as can be. Basically they finally said it was maybe a traumatic past experience that she hasn't properly dealt with and it was all mental. On top of all this she had her back broken when she was a cheerleader in college and has issues with it from time to time. All of this put a big damper on our sex life. I would often not want to for fear of hurting her back, which has happened before. She mentioned to me that she felt I thought she was ugly even though I would explain to her the reason why. My wife is absolutely stunning and could easily be a model. I am of course a little bias, but I certainly wouldn’t think she was ugly and no one in their right mind would.
We didn't always communicate the best, but I figured that was pretty normal as couples go and newly married. It was a learning process which we were both working on. She felt it was an issue at times, but I didn't feel it was as big of a deal. She mentioned that I would sometimes go 10 hours or more without taking to her. I’m my defense I was working and a lot of them times unable to text and when I got off work I had little time to do things for myself like go to the gym and eat, so I would neglect her in that respect, but not a lot. Although I would say she felt it was a lot. Her love language is quality time, which I know suffered with my job, and the words of affirmation were high on her list too. I personally had to work on that one, but I always told her I loved her.
She missed her family a great deal and always wanted to spend a couple holidays there, but I turned it down often because of financially it wasn't the best option for us. I know now I should have made it more of a priority. In March she really wanted to go home for her birthday and surprise her parents, but I wouldn't commit to it because I was unsure of my work schedule and also wanting to save money, so she ended up going by herself.
Once she got there she was pretty quiet as far as keeping in touch with me. I chalked it up to being home with family and friends and being busy with it all, which was true. Anyway I end up going away for work before she comes back home, so I didn't get to see her for about a month. Then about a week before I was ready to come home she calls me and tells me she is going to leave and go back home to her parents. She said she was very unhappy and felt she lost herself, not sure who she was anymore and needed to find herself again. She said she also really missed her family and friends and could cry any more over it and wanted to be back home with her parents. She said she had been crying herself to sleep every night for the last two weeks, which I was unaware of.
We talked a lot on the phone over the next few days about it, but she still wanted to leave. The day before she was scheduled to fly out she called me and told me she could still cancel her car getting picked up to ship to the East Coast and cancel the flight. We started talking about things and it seemed to be going really well. We came up with a list of goals for things to happen that would bring our marriage to where it should be so both of our needs were being met. It was mostly a list of things for me to do since I was happy with her as my wife. I went to bed feeling really good about until the next day when she called me and said she didn't feel good about it. She said she felt she was just caving into me if she didn't go and was not helping herself.
I told her I wanted her to stay and I felt it wasn't a healthy thing to do if we were going to work on our marriage. Being on the opposite coast was going to make that very hard. Ultimately she left, took all her clothes, wedding dress, books and her car. She told me she needed time to think things through and not sure how long she was going to be gone. I of course told her it wasn’t good for us as a couple to go through with this. All through this she still told me she loved me and missed me and was worried that if she left I would just call it quits, but understood why I would do that.
Once she got to her parents house she became pretty cold on the phone and in text messages. She wouldn’t say she loved me back or that she missed me anymore and all I got from her was “I just don’t know, I just don’t know”. I ended up buying a flight so I could come out and see her, but I then got a mission for work a day after I made the arrangements. I was going to be working in a place about a 4 hour drive from her parents house, which previously she asked if I was going to be working there and that she could come visit me. I called her and told her about it and we both decided that I would go to work to and she would drive down to see me.
When I got in for work I called her to ask her when she was coming down, but she then said there was nothing to do there and she didn’t want to be sitting around in a hotel all day long waiting for me to come back. I then told her I could drive to see her instead, but she told me again she just didn’t know if it would be good because she said she needed time. I ended up texting her later that day that I was respecting her decision to take time and I wouldn’t ask her to come and I would ask to come up there and I wouldn’t bring anything up unless she did. She simply texted back a thank you.
A week passes and she text me to ask what I was doing that weekend and mentioned I could go up there. I asked if she was sure and she said yes, so I went for the weekend. When I got there it felt more like we were friends then husband and wife, although she acted as if nothing was wrong. She still had her ring on her finger and we slept in the same bed, but she was very detached. I felt like I shouldn’t even touch her. The next day I tried to be more touchy with her and she didn’t pull away or push me off, but it is very unlike her. She was always very affectionate with me and always hanging on me when I was around. When it was time for me to drive back for work I hugged her and tried to talk to her a little about things and she said she needs more time. I told her I loved her and she didn’t say it back until I mentioned I know you don’t want to say it. She then replied that she still loved me be it seemed labored.
She text to make sure I made it back to the hotel and after that I decided to pull away from her and not text or call her anymore. She is the one to always text me now, but only after most of the day is gone and it’s usually with things like are you working still, or having a good day. I will answer, but don’t say much to her about anything. I am acting as if I moved on, which in a lot of ways I have. I’m not going to let this stop me from living and being happy. That being said I really do love her and I didn’t take a vow for better or for worse for nothing and I actually meant it. I really want us to work out, but she says she doesn’t like living on the West Coast anymore, misses her family and friends, there are better opportunities for her to find work in the field she wants on the East coast and needs more time. My concern is that we have nothing tying us together like kids, which she has now changed her mind about having. I honestly think it’s a total lie, but that is what she said. We have never talked about divorce and we are still married at this point in time, but she keeps saying she needs more time. Like I said I have detached from her quite a bit and now and the other day I found this website and so here I am. Any thoughts on my situation would be greatly appreciated especially towards the distance issue with nothing tying us together.
Sorry for the long drawn out story and I am sure there are factors I am leaving out, but not on purpose.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I guess my big dilemma right now is how to work with the huge distance between us and the fact that there is nothing tying us together like kids. One of the things she has express is worrying about if I only say I'm going to change and then in a month or year from now things are back to the way they were. I told her it's different now because things have to change, but she is still skeptical. So how do I work on the things she asked for in the goal list we made if she isn't around or anywhere near me.
One of her big things was communication and when I was on the road going too long with out talking to her in the day. Her love language is quality time and words of affirmations. How do I go about filling that tank up when she isn't around for me to do so? How does not communicating with her through texting or calling help this situation, especially when I said to her right now that communication between us is really important? Am I looking like I can't be trusted with what I say when I stop following through on contacting her?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Why would you look like you can't be trusted? Good grief. SHE left!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
if I only say I'm going to change and then in a month or year from now things are back to the way they were.
I told her it's different now because things have to change, but she is still skeptical.
Now isnt really a time for talking. It's a time for doing.
So what are you going to do?
In my mind, the problem with formulating this goal list together is that she will know and believe that everything you are doing is 'for her' or to 'win her back'. But if these arent permanent changes instilled in you, then how can she trust that it wont be a 2 or 4 or 10 or 50 week thing and then you will get complacent again and things will revert?
Basically, you are going to have to decide what about you that you want to change and do it. But you cant be telling her about every little thing as you do it. Decide who you want to be and strive to become that man. If she decides she is interested then we can talk more. But for now, Id give her the space she is looking for and use the time wisely.
When we first met the sex life was awesome, but after we got married it suffered a great deal mainly on my part in worrying about her. Let me explain. A couple weeks before we were to be married she was at my parents house with her mom and mine and she said she didn't feel well and went into the living room to lay down. Soon after she went into uncontrolled convulsions, and her temperature spiked. It was a scary situation for us all to go through. She continues to have issues with this to this day, but other complications have come along with it such as extreme mood changes going from really pissed off to really depressed and then really happy to fine again. It's a matter of fact that the sudden mood changes was what would trigger us that an episode was about to happen. All the doctor visits and specialist could find absolutely nothing wrong with her and she was as healthy as can be. Basically they finally said it was maybe a traumatic past experience that she hasn't properly dealt with and it was all mental. On top of all this she had her back broken when she was a cheerleader in college and has issues with it from time to time. All of this put a big damper on our sex life. I would often not want to for fear of hurting her back, which has happened before. She mentioned to me that she felt I thought she was ugly even though I would explain to her the reason why. My wife is absolutely stunning and could easily be a model. I am of course a little bias, but I certainly wouldn’t think she was ugly and no one in their right mind would.
Cali08,
I can relate to a lot of the things you said in the paragraph above. It certainly sounds like she has experienced some trauma in the past. The range of somatic symptoms that can be created always amazes me. What's even worse is that, if she was traumatized, she may not be aware of the trauma; the memories could be repressed.
Kaizen, I hear what your saying and the list of goals was something she proposed and I totally on board with. It was also before she actually left, but changed her mind about staying the very next day. I certainly want to do the things she listed and I have in the past, but I let work get in the way, so it's not out of my nature to do these things. The issue is that how is she to know about any changes I make because she is on the opposite coast. I understand the changes are for me to a large degree and if it doesn't help this relationship it will certainly help my next. The thing is I really want to make this marriage work it seems so much harder to do when we are completely out of site and mind. Does that make sense?
Jeep74 Im not really sure what you mean by that? I am saying that I told her its really important for us to communicate right now and she says OK and then I stop communicating. Can she look at that as not keeping my word and just saying something and then not following through. There is no talk of divorce as of yet.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/24/1708:14 AM. Reason: Combine posts
So the last time I talked to my wife was Saturday night, until she text me tonight. She text me with Hi!! How have you been? This is so completely unlike how she used to talk to me and it just seems like we are friend rather than husband and wife. I typical text from wife like this would usually be on these lines, HUSBAND!!! How did your day go love? It just has such a different feel to it.
Anyway I ended up just calling her because I had to ask her for some of her work info for getting our taxes done. The conversation led to me telling her that my brother inlaw was over at our house with my nephew who I gave the job of feeding the fish, which is hers, while we are gone. She gets concerned about how often they are feeding the fish and wants to know if they are doing it right. This comes across as very odd to me since she couldn't have cared less about the fish when she packed up and left.
The other thing I ended up mentioning is that my nephew asked if he could play the Xbox, which is also hers, for a little while. She also became concerned with that wanting to make sure he would turn it on and off correctly and to not mess up some of the game we have played together and not to mess up the TV settings. She said as long as I was comfortable with it then she was ok with it. Again I find it odd to be concerned about such things when she packed up and left them all behind.
She still has a key to the house, which we are still married, but I honestly take this as abandonment of the marriage. I did tell her in the beginning if she did decide to come back and the key doesn't work anymore then she would have her answer. I was more angry at the whole situation then anything at first. I am now giving her time and space to go through what she needs to go through.
On a side note, her family life with her parents when she was younger was not the best. She now gets along with her mom great, but when she was younger her mom was very extreme in what she allowed her to do and who she could be friends with. Her dad has always been very stable, but her mother has given her outlandish advice about guys and dating when she was younger that someone of that age should never hear. She was a military brat and some of her earliest memories of her dad was him leaving, going on missions, and her mom crying and being very depressed about it.
I called to talk to her dad about her about 3 weeks ago when she first moved back to get some advice from him on the situation. One of the things he told me about his wife, my mother inlaw, was that she often would just take off for a few days and disappear, completely off his radar and leave him with the kids. He said that he would just tell her that they would be there when she gets back. He said she was missing her family and would just go stay with them for a week or so. From what I understand their marriage was pretty rocky in the beginning too. My wife has told me that they didn't even sleep in the same room for years.
They do say daughter like mother and I am wondering if her mother has anything to do with this. I don't believe her mom is always the best influence on her, especially from some of the stories I have heard. Don't get me wrong I love my mother and father inlaw and I feel they love me too. I just wonder how much of an negative effect all of the this has had on my wife?
Doodler, She did have traumatized when she was younger and went to counseling for it, but in her words she said it made things worse. That's kind of the answer the docs came up with and it being trauma she has never properly dealt with.
It's been about 7 months since she her last episode up until a couple nights ago and I might have inadvertently caused her some stress with a text message. The night before she text me goodnight and have a safe flight, which I was already in bed and didn't respond too. I finally responded to it around 12 the next day when I had a slight break from work. I simple said you must have meant that for someone else because Im not flying anywhere and I ended it was smiley face. I was teasing her for not remembering that I told her I was driving to my next mission instead of flying. A couple hours later she responded with WHAT!?!?!? then went into a reason why she said it, which I totally believe and have no problems with. I actually never responded to it and and some hours later she tries to call me which I immediately hang up on her because I was in the middle of teaching a class to about 100 soldiers, I prep soldiers for war. I tried calling her back about 10 min later and no answer so I left a message explaining why I hung up on her, which she understands because she knows exactly what I do for work.
Come to find out much later that night she had an episode right after she tried to call me and I think it could have been her stressing about me thinking she was contacting someone else, which I know isn't true. For one there is no other man involved and this is so far just between her and I, which I am very grateful for. The thing is I was merely trying to be normal with her and not stress by teasing her a little, which was something I would do often and it's never been an issue, but I suppose under these circumstances it wasn't my best choice. Hind sight is better.
