So the H has called a couple of times today - it's almost impossible to not answer as with him living elsewhere, we have arrangements for who is sorting the dogs out. I had asked him the other day when we spoke to do the dogs tonight as I have to go to a board meeting which will go on late - he agreed. The first phone call was not great. He had said he could do the dogs before the gym - I said after would be better. He sighed and said, OK no problem - I then had to dig and said - "well it's not exactly out of your way, your new home is only 200m up the damn road" He retorted that its not his new home - I said, well actually it is - please do the dogs after the gym. He agreed.
2nd call was to say that he is going to be at work late, but will still do the dogs. He chatted a bit about work, I showed interest, but didn't get involved with my opinion.
He then asked if I was OK. Part of me wanted to SCREAM NO I AM FAR FROM OK - IM DYING on the inside but I went with the answer of I'm ok, how are you? He said he was fine (no surprise there as he seems perfectly fine.)
He then added - I just wanted to check you are ok as I don't like to hurt you. I said whats been done has been done...... anyhow, I have to get going now. Good Bye.
I really felt like saying IF YOU DONT WANT TO HURT ME WHY THE HELL ARE YOU LIVING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN telling me that i have grabbed the wrong end of the stick and that there is nothing going on. Do I look stupid - maybe just maybe nothing is going on, but YOU LIED and now I can't believe you.
It's so hard being a bit flippant on the phone, trying to keep my voice light and to stop it from cracking with tears - but I am trying.
I'm struggling today, as I know it is over - I want to accept it, but there is a small crumb of my heart that keeps whispering that maybe he didn't mean it ,when he said he'd made his mind up, maybe he didn't mean it when he said we are over.......... But then he calls and I talk to him and he seems over us already - 100% OK.
How have I been so easy to toss away? Why doesn't he miss me? Every phone call is a reminder that we used to laugh and catch up and end it with Love you...... My world has crashed and burned and is changed forever more and its happened and warp speed......Shoot sorry - like I said today is a real down day....
So today is another new day, another day where yes I am alone, but I do feel a bit stronger.
So we have a plan that he will come back to the house and walk the dogs in the morning as I leave for work very early.
I get to work and he calls - Do i have to do the dogs this morning - Ummmm Yes was my reply. He then asked if I am ok. Over the last couple of days I have been saying I am fine, but today I said I think you know the answer to that.
He went quiet and said he knows but he hates hurting me. I said you did when you ended it, but you twisted the knife when you moved in with her. He told me I can spin things any way I want, she was just a temporary room mate.
I said ok - its just disappointing that you cannot see it from any other perspective but your own.
I then said I needed to go.
I know I should not say these things to him - but I am not chasing, I am not initiating contact and honestly I am tired of telling him that I am ok. I am somewhat OK, but considering he shouted that we were finished and then moved in with another woman - what does he expect???
Why does he keep asking something which he knows the answer to?
I am trying to "go dark" and not respond but like i said, i need to answer calls as like this morning he may not have gone and fed and walked the dogs if I hadn't have answered.
Am also trying to cancel and recoup money from our holiday which we were meant to be going on in 9 days. Am losing a fortune on the flights, lost half the fee on the hotel - and he has left it all to me.
AHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - just needed a rant! Anyone have answers to my questions, please feel free.
You did well in that exchange. Next time when he asks you are you OK just don't answer him. It will be extremely hard not to get angry with him in the exchanges you will have with him. Try not to show your anger.
I am trying really hard not to be angry - I am trying to keep my voice light and my tone soft. I am trying to sound OK, which today I sort of am, but I don't think it is fair for him to think that; OK shes OK with my actions because I am not.
As it stands, I have no idea if or when he will be coming back to the house and I don't know if I should even ask. He's the one that said he is staying away temporarily (he corrected me when I said he had moved out and he said he hadn't - ummmmm you took all your stuff so I'm really confused by this)
I am going to go away in 9 days as planned as it was for a friends wedding ([censored] for me I know and we were both supposed to be in the Bridal party, but i'm not letting a friend down.) I need to know if he will be living in the house and taking care of our responsibilities, like the house itself and the dogs.
Today is an ANGRY day - don't think I did depression as I'm not a stay in bed all day kind of person, defo did denial thinking we could fix it and sad to say, certainly did bargaining, as I begged him to give our marriage a chance....... Feel like i will now float between Anger and Acceptance with a hint of denial raising its ugly head from time to time.
I then had to dig and said - "well it's not exactly out of your way, your new home is only 200m up the damn road"
It's so hard being a bit flippant on the phone, trying to keep my voice light and to stop it from cracking with tears - but I am trying.
If you cant control yourself, maybe it's time to stop talking by phone. Set up a schedule to take care of the dogs, and then go on with it. Say that if theres an issue, you would rather text or email as it's more convenient for you.
Stop taking 'digs'. They are certainly not making you look attractive. And I guarantee that he is just rolling his eyes about them.
Originally Posted By: Island
He then asked if I was OK. Part of me wanted to SCREAM NO I AM FAR FROM OK - IM DYING on the inside but I went with the answer of I'm ok, how are you? He said he was fine (no surprise there as he seems perfectly fine.)
Next time, just say you don't have time to chat right now. Theres no point in answering the question as there is no answer that is satisfactory. If you aren't ok, then hell be upset and if you are ok, then hell be upset. Its time to do a 180. What you are doing ISNT WORKING.
Originally Posted By: Island
I'm struggling today, as I know it is over - I want to accept it, but there is a small crumb of my heart that keeps whispering that maybe he didn't mean it ,when he said he'd made his mind up, maybe he didn't mean it when he said we are over.......... But then he calls and I talk to him and he seems over us already - 100% OK.
I 100% promise you this: he is not going to come back to the same marriage that he had. It doesn't matter what he is doing now, the onus is on YOU to be the one to stand up for your marriage.
And do you know what the best thing you can do for your marriage is? BECOME THE BEST YOU THAT YOU CAN. Go out and become a part of the community. The gym is good, but its isolating. Its time to meet some people and make YOUR OWN friends. Yeah, I know. Its hard. REALLY hard. It's the last thing you want to do right now. Ive been there. And it is the thing that saved me from some pretty dark things.
Originally Posted By: Island
How have I been so easy to toss away? Why doesn't he miss me? Every phone call is a reminder that we used to laugh and catch up and end it with Love you......
Because this isn't about you. Its about HIM. Think of it like he started doing drugs. The affair is doing the same things to his brain as a drug would do. You are standing in between him and his next high. And you know what telling a drug addict to stop does? Makes them shut you out. So the best thing that you can do right now is to stand yup on your own two feet. Take him out of the center of your world and put yourself there. If he never came back, what would you want out of your life?
You know what is scariest - I have no idea what I want out of life - none. I thought I had my life ahead of me - we had planned for the future, talked about retirement dreams - its all gone. I know I want to be happy, I just cant seem to see a way to happiness right now.
He called yet again to tell me he had cancelled going to the gym so that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I appreciate the sentiment. He said that he was getting his haircut tomorrow - I asked what time and the first thing he said was that he could reschedule if it clashes with me - he really doesn't want to see me..... not at all.
I said not to worry as my appointment is late. I told him that I am going to seek some legal advice next week (i feel i need to do something to get some control in my life) and he said he understood.
I said that once we go down this path, there really is no going back and asked if he was sure this is what he wanted and he said, right now he wants a divorce.
I know I keep hashing over the same things - analyzing what he says and I know his actions don't match up to his words - apparently he cares, but he's not here, his living elsewhere.....
I am GAL - the gym is a group thing so it is quite social and tonight I am going to go salsa dancing - but it doesn't change the fact that when i go home, i'm alone and have no-one to tell about my fun times......
You know what is scariest - I have no idea what I want out of life - none.
Thats ok. You dont need to know where you will be 5 years from now. How about listing 5 things youd like to do before the end of May?
Originally Posted By: Island
I know I want to be happy, I just cant seem to see a way to happiness right now.
There are two TED talks that I love. One is by Amy Cuddy and the other is by Shawn Achor. Both are about happiness. I highly recommend them. Theres another by a guy named Traver Boehm (he goes by the username PigPen from his time here!) thats also great. Start here.
Originally Posted By: Island
I told him that I am going to seek some legal advice next week
Thats great that you are getting legal advice. WHY ARE YOU TELLING HIM? Right now, he is not on your team. You need to be pulling back as far as you can. Dont ask 'what time his haircut is'....who cares?? Dont tell him youre seeing a lawyer, just DO IT.
Originally Posted By: Island
I said that once we go down this path, there really is no going back and asked if he was sure this is what he wanted and he said, right now he wants a divorce.
why did you say this?
Originally Posted By: Island
I am GAL - the gym is a group thing so it is quite social and tonight I am going to go salsa dancing - but it doesn't change the fact that when i go home, i'm alone and have no-one to tell about my fun times......
So you need to have someone at home to feel fulfilled? Just enjoy the fun while youre out. Talk to your dogs if you need to. You have to learn to be happy on your own before theres any chance that any relationship will be successful.
Someone told me when I got here originally that one of the best thngs I could do is to 'date myself'. How can you ry to frame your thoughts in that way?
By the way, have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, then you really should!!!!
Hi Kaizen, I will watch the TED talks - I just am experiencing extreme moments of strength followed by such deep lows - i'm struggling to get momentum.
I don't know why I told him I am going to seek legal advice... I don't know, maybe I thought that he may think that this is very real and may think harder about things..... I don't know. I don't know why I asked if he is sure this is what he wants - maybe because at his moment in time I can see a way forward where we can work things out and I am so scared of time passing us by and then waking up and one day it being too late for the both of us.
The marriage wasn't perfect for me either - I would not want to go back into the same thing. I wasn't a priority, our marriage wasn't a priority and him throwing this at me has made me realize this - but he was equally to blame in doing nothing.
The difference is, at times in the past - I had written him letters about why I wasn't happy - he didn't communicate that to me. I asked him why he never said anything and he said he knows he should have, but he didn't - its how he deals with things and he knows thats on him. I said maybe if he had just let go, shouted and said what was affecting him things would be different and he agreed.
Everything is happening so fast - in less that 2 months everything is different, changed to a point where its unrecognizable. I've been looking at finances today and trying to figure out if I will be able to keep my home when he leaves. Financially this will ruin us.
I'm terrified of what the future may bring..... i know it can be exciting, but right now I just cant find any positivity.
Its not even that I need someone at home to feel fulfilled. I come home and my dogs are pleased to see me. I sit down, I relax and its the silence. I used to like the silence, those moments in all the chaos, but these moments are now forced on me. I look to where he would be normally and its a void. I'm struggling with the fact that someone can tell you they love you one minutes and within 24 hours walk away from you like you never existed. Like i said, I'm having a very low afternoon.
Am going to leave work and take my dogs for a walk, go to the gym, then go salsa - then hopefully sleep.........
