Long time reader but first time poster

[Dawgs]

I don't know how to react. I am trying to read as much as possible so I can better equip myself when the time comes. I had read somewhere that if you are unsure of what to say or how to respond to something then hold off. This way you avoid making a mistake. Sounded like sound advice to me but I am new to all this. I appreciate everyone's advice and concern. It is comforting when you feel like you are going through this all alone.

THANK YOU ALL!!!!!

If you have proof, then its a no-brainer. Just do it. There is no right or wrong way, really. Just do it.

[PEW1974]

Part of the reason I have not confronted her yet was I didn't want the last few months as the image she thinks about when I confront her. I probably wouldn't have mattered to her at that point. I wanted a more positive image in her head so it may give her something more to think about. I was planning on confronting her but not until I finished working on myself physically, menatally and emotionally. I hope that makes sense.

[Cristy]

Is there certain times I need to call between? I am currently at work and usually work 10-11 hours a day. Is there a consultation fee? Sorry but I am new to this and am very interested in saving my wife and my marriage.

Hello PEW1974,

I'm here until 5:00 mountain time today. No need to tell me where you are until we talk. Then I can get you scheduled to speak with a terrific DB Coach at a time that is convenient for you. DB Coaches are available at a variety of times during the day, evening and on Saturdays.

I'm looking forward to speaking with you soon.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Accuray]

PEW1974,

The decision to confront her or not is up to you of course. 25yrsmlc asks an excellent question of what do you want to happen?

In many cases people go into a confrontation expecting a "Hollywood ending" where the wayward spouse tearfully apologizes and begs to make things right. I can tell you that *never* happens anyplace other than the movies.

Here's what's most likely to happen -- your W will get extremely angry with you. She'll blame her affair on you 100% and in her mind she'll push you farther away. It will absolutely make things worse/more difficult between you.

That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you have to be prepared for it. You should not expect to have a discussion about it, because she won't be prepared to have a discussion. Instead you'll get defensiveness and irrational anger. She will likely rewrite your history and characterize your marriage as "always bad" and put you at fault.

Therefore, if you do confront her, you need to be prepared to make it more of a monologue. "I know that you're involved with someone else. Here is what I am going to do..."

Remember that you can't control her or force her to do anything. If you make ultimatums, you have to be 100% prepared for the fact that they likely won't go your way and you will *have* to act on the "or else" or lose all credibility. Are you ready to do that? If not, don't make an ultimatum.

If your goal is to get things in the open but not necessarily blow things up, then it can be useful to normalize the situation but not excuse it. "I understand that things have been really difficult between us, that we've both built up a lot of hurt and resentment, and that you've been seeing someone else. I understand that having a friend and a sympathetic ear makes you feel better and helps you cope, and I also understand that everyone likes attention from the opposite sex. That said, I'm not okay with having an open marriage. Therefore, here's what I'm going to do..."

Then it's basically up to her to decide what she wants to do in response to what you're going to do. More likely than not, you'll just set yourself up for a waiting game.

The other approach is to be more aggressive as others here have advocated, which is to take a very strong stance and kick her out of the house or the MBR, go dark, withdraw support, etc. etc. Depending upon how you do it, this *can* establish that you have a lot of self-confidence, value yourself, and therefore are someone of value, which can draw her back in, *or* it can backfire horribly and drive her away in a manner that she never comes back. Given what she's done, that may be okay. Only you can decide.

Acc

[PEW1974]

Thank you Accuray. I was not expecting a Hollywood ending. lol. Part of me wants her to know that I know but part of me already feels that she knows I know. I guess I was hoping that it would put an unsaid timetable in her head to figure out what she is doing. I guess I have been hesitant because I know I am in it for the long haul and I have the patience to make this work. It is just this roller coaster ride of emotions that is exhausting me.

[PEW1974]

I appreciate your response. That is along the lines of what I was thinking and why I haven't said anything for the past few weeks.

[EastTN]

BOOM. Very well said. Maybe its a weakness thing - are people afraid to confront because they think that somehow it will "push them away" or "further deeper" into the affair?

Having reread what I wrote, you nailed me, Jeep. I'm so turned around by this that I'm seeing things that aren't my fault as my fault. I realize this isn't my thread, but thanks for the reality check.

[LiM]

Your W is not seeing ANYTHING that you are doing right now. You can do all the chores you want, lose all the weight you want, be a magnificent dad, etc, but so long as see is in the A, she is seeing NONE of it. That's has to come to an end, she has to hit rock bottom and start to come out of the fog before she can start to appreciate the new and improved PEW.
Anything you do or don't do that allows her to remain in the fog will only prolong the limbo. Things WILL get worse when you confront her. She will lash out and blame you. Hell, my W accused ME of having an A when I confronted her. But it has to come out and you have to go down that path before there is any chance of her coming back to the M.
As it stands right now, you are no longer her H. She has left the M. Stand up for yourself and let her see that you value yourself enough not to be treated this way. Why the hell would you allow a your W to sleep next to you in the MBR when you KNOW she is doing it with someone else?

She MUST experience the full weight of her decisions. She must hit rock bottom. She can't come back to the M until she has. There is no such thing as turning yourself into x, y or z before you confront her so that she will see you in a better light. She can't see anything about you until she has left the A.

[PEW1974]

Thank you for your post. I am trying my hardest. Some days it comes easier than others. I have been calmer and that really hasn't been much work. I can feel the changes and I have been getting a lot of compliments on my weight loss and over all physique. It has been very encouraging. I go out for walks with my dog more and I have been trying to make time to go out at least once a week. These have been really good distractions for me but in the back of my head creeps the thoughts of how much i really miss my W.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't know how to react. I am trying to read as much as possible so I can better equip myself when the time comes. I had read somewhere that if you are unsure of what to say or how to respond to something then hold off. This way you avoid making a mistake. Sounded like sound advice to me but I am new to all this. I appreciate everyone's advice and concern. It is comforting when you feel like you are going through this all alone.

THANK YOU ALL!!!!!

there is a DB coach consultation fee but it's better than hearing different advice (that I mentioned to you earlier.)

I'm not employed by DB so there's no kickback for me saying this, but I found the package deal to be well worth it b/c they're geared into your situation without anger or a desire to punish and pick and choose what they want of the DB advice.

Plus the advice I got was specific and detailed. Not generic.

When someone says "the ultimate act of disrespect to a marriage is infidelity",
I bristle b/c I'm not sure that's an absolute for everyone **and frankly, I'm not sure how it helps you to hear that, given that you want to save your m, not your pride. It seems very reactive to me.

I'm not suggesting any doormat behavior and I feel like I was careful in how I worded things.

Even if money is tight, divorce costs more. Yes most IC's can help, but many mc's just gird you for the inevitable divorce they see whenever there is an affair.

Figure out who is on your insurance plan and make an appointment and make sure they are solution focussed.
You don't want to work with lots of black and white rules about what you "cannot forgive" and all the rest you'll hear.

You are wise to own your role b/c let's face it, there was a lot of anger, resentment and tension in your home and your conflict resolution and fighting approaches were very destructive. Was there alcohol involved, and were either of you children of alcoholics?

Also, remember that

The person who is calmest in a dispute, is always the person with the power.


Make no threats or ultimatums unless you want to risk cornering your w into the arms of the OM. You already know she had some legit concerns (as do you) so - if you read Sandi's posts, CAREFULLY, and fully, you'll see that she was in an EA and says she disrespected her h long before the A.

SHE ALSO says that if her h had exposed her A or if he had acted self righteous towards her, she'd have divorced him. They worked it out and are reconciled but she attributes much of that to his open heart and his sincere desire to look within, and change HIMSELF which in turn, helped her change...

But of course you must make a plan to resolve this so you are not in limbo forever, and or feeling like her backup plan.

FIRST contrast her negative images of you, with your new better self,

so she doesn't get to look to the past as her justification/ammo for an affair.

THEN come up with an enforceable appealing boundary...

make sense?