Struggling

[Jim1234]

Yesterday she said she "wanted to talk". I'm agreeable, but she seems angry, and she starts off by saying she's moving out this weekend. Fine. I haven't said or done anything at this point to upset her, and our last chat over the phone on Sunday went well, but she seems angry with me.

She says we're overdrawn on our checking account and it's my fault because I now have my paycheck deposited into my own account while her whole paycheck is deposited into our account and she has bills to pay and needs some money (she made $400; I made $5000). She's getting angrier and angrier. I stay calm, don't argue, but validate like crazy, and remind her that I've kept her abreast of everything I've done. But at one point, I think to myself, "you're insisting on the divorce, you bought a house, you wanted the separation, how the heck did you think you were going to pay for all this? You're getting exactly what you wanted, and your inability to pay for it is not my problem." Unfortunately, a smile crept across my lips at this last thought, which really sent her into orbit. She just started with the "Oh, you think this is funny that I can't pay my bills!" bit when our son came home, and she said we'll talk about it later. I said "great!" and went to play golf with a friend.

Today, I put enough money into our account so it's not overdrawn. This afternoon I stuck my head in the room where she stays and smokes, saying I'm going to the hardware store, does she want anything? She's still angry.

(We cashed in a large number of shares so she could buy a house, with the understanding it was an early distribution of her marital share of our assets. There was about $30K left she was planning to use to furnish and do work on her house, but it's all spent now.)

I asked her why she seemed so angry with me, and she said it was because I still owed her $30K, and she has bills to pay and things she wants to buy. I said as far as I was concerned, that money was already spent on her house, and it wasn't my job to keep track of it.

Any advice?

[OwnIt]

Just wanted to tell you that I've been very impressed by your take on different peoples' situations. I hope the agreement re the distribution was run through an attorney and documented.

[Jim1234]

Thanks. I'm too close to my own situation to see clearly, though.

The agreement was run through the lawyers and documented, but now I suspect it probably could have been documented better. I think it will stand up.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Jim,

I feel you on "it's what you want", but you seem to be handling it really, really well. I struggle with the validating more than I should because of this.

For your sitch and money, it seems like you're doing a good job protecting yourself. Seems like she wants to walk all over you on money and you're doing what is necessary.

I wish you luck navigating.

[Jim1234]

I appreciate your compliment, but I don't FEEL like I'm handling it well. I FEEL like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on.
I don't even care too much about the money. All I'm really doing is acting "as if".... as if I'll be ok.... as if I'm not upset every time I realize she's about to move out.... as if I am getting a life.... as if I'm trying to protect myself financially..... and hoping someday it becomes real.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Totally understand. It takes convincing many days that I'm doing fine. What's my alternative though? Think about that.

I can cower under a rock, let the pain consume me and how attractive does that look? Pretty terrible, right? My W like the look of that? Probably not. My kids want to hang out with Dad who is suffering or Dad who is rising up? I think we know that answer.

I'm with you on the money. It [censored] if I end up splitting that, but it's just money. Don't get me wrong I need to protect my interests and then it's just calculating the split.

None of this makes it easier, but when you take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, it can be easier.

I'm not trying to discount the painful heart ripping, fear you're feeling, loss, etc. The ball is in your hands on how you handle it. One phrase I've learned in this is "accept the feelings; challenge the thoughts". Your feelings are going to be there, but what you think/chose to do next is under your control.

All the best Jim.

[Cristy]

Thanks. I'm too close to my own situation to see clearly, though.

The agreement was run through the lawyers and documented, but now I suspect it probably could have been documented better. I think it will stand up.

Hello Jim1234,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

You are so smart to recognize that you are too close to your situation to see things clearly.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Sjs777]

I've come to learn that educating myself and utilizing forums such as this helps distract your mind during the toughest days. So too does knowing you're not alone , Your story is not too dissimilar to mine as i suspect in time my separated wife will come to realize her financial reality

[Sjs777]

it sounds as though you may have the same question i have. I've heard repeatedly, if something doesn't work, try something else. Yet when you are too close to see what may work its difficult to fathom what something new may mean. Any suggestions on different approaches? or variations thereof?

If i knew how to start a post of my own i'd do so with further description to evoke brainstorming and sharing of best practices and variances on what worked and what didn't, although i recognize specific circumstances may apply

[Jim1234]

Any suggestions on different approaches or variations would be very welcome. She's packing up suitcases of clothes as we speak.

Earlier, I told her I supported her getting out of that toxic back room, and I wish there were some other way. Then I left to see my lawyer.