Dealing with Devastation

[WshIKnw]

What is the longest you have gone without contacting her, since she left?

[giftd]

no contact was 5 days, then there was an issue with the animals

[giftd]

After talking with friends and counselor, her overworking the next few weeks is not something I can control and possibly may even work in my favor. I'm going to go dark for at least the next 5 days (setting a time helps me through it). I've gone through tremendous personal growth so far and the counselor said that her getting so upset when leaving is normal and there will be more times that happens as we go and more time from BD happens. Have to let her fall during this work period and maybe hit bottom. Be here if she reaches out but let her reach. Time is my friend.

[giftd]

Bear with me, I'm still using this as a pseudo journal

So after 4 days with no contact she initiated a conversation via text today. Again she started with the animals. Momma rabbit had babies again and we had some issues but I was able to handle it. Being able to take care of business around the house is one of the things I am working on as she would usually take the reigns, I'm realizing just how much neglect I contributed to the relationship. She asked if we could get dinner next Wednesday (my birthday is Tuesday) as she found someone to cover for her then. I had expected to let this go so this made me pretty happy.

After texting for 30 minutes she asked if I could pick up some things for the rabbit from the store she works for and I did. She then called as she was getting out of work. This is the first time she's called me without me initiating. The conversation lasted 25 minutes and I was the one to initiate ending it when she seemed to be slowing down on talking. I spent as much time listening as I could. She asked about the animals as usual but then began to talk about her day and work. This is something that had been contentious in discussions leading up to BD and she had been confiding more in her boss than me over the months leading up to it. When she mentioned something was difficult I made a point to acknowledge that it must have been difficult and not offer any advice on it. She mentioned that she thinks I should get my eyes checked again soon (It's been a while and I'm squinting a lot) and said that I had been reluctant to before, I should "add it to the 'work on' list". I said that I hadn't thought about doing that but it's a good idea to get them checked out. I don't think the "work on list" was a jab but I made sure to not engage on it either way, essentially thank her for the caring advice.

I asked if she wouldn't mind looking at my resume on Wednesday and she got excited. It's something she strangely enjoys and hiring is part of her job. She mentioned that she had tried once before and it ended in an argument. I don't remember it, and I told her that but I said it'd give me a chance to see how my communication practice is going and she laughed.

25 minutes of a conversation with jokes and pleasant dialogue. When she ended the conversation her tone was pleasant where the last few times it was cold at the end.

I found out yesterday that I get to graduate in may (I needed approval since I have a summer class to take to technically finish). I had been pretty excited, then bummed because I wanted to call and tell her, the willpower to not call was exhausting. Detaching is still something I can't fully do and it makes every day exhausting but I keep working on things, trying to GAL and try new things. I am sending her a message in the morning that she asked for then don't plan on talking again until I see her next Wednesday. With work being more stressful not being there to take any blame for her bad mood and exhaustion makes sense. If she wants to reach out, I'm here to listen.

[WshIKnw]

I think you are doing well, giftd. I wish others would chime in more, though, because I'm just a student here. And I think you know what you are doing better than I do. I also think your situation is much better than mine, though I do believe my wife would still be with me right now, had she not met the other man, or any other man.

[giftd]

I appreciate the support wsh. I'd love some more constructive feedback as well. I've been reading tons of books on communication and separation along with DR. I love you but... by Andrew G Marshall helped a lot. The hard part has been utilizing the knowledge in practice. Listening 70% of the time is hard to do in part because she wasn't ready to do the talking in some of our conversations, she was still in crisis mode. Most of the time she still is but since she initiated this conversation the timing was good for her and since I had gone dark before, even though she had a bad day at work it wasn't projected onto me at all. I'm feeling pretty good today even though I know I still have to try to detach because backing off removed me from the equation. Instead of being unhappy "because" of me, she was unhappy and called to talk and feel better.

[WshIKnw]

That's awesome, man. My wife won't talk to me at all.

[giftd]

So tonight she called again. She was on her way home from a friends wedding. She said everyone was happy and she realized that she was just mad, mad at me. She said she finally could put her feelings into words. We ended up talking for 45 minutes until she got settled in at the work apartment. It wasn't all about the relationship, anything that was was something that she brought up. I acknowledged my failings and apologized for my lack of self confidence. I said I can't change the past but I can focus on the future. Can't remember exactly how things went down but she basically said she hasn't forgiven me. It sounded like she still has some things to work through but I was able to show the progress I've made again with myself. Listening and acknowledging her feelings even when I didn't agree.

We are still having dinner on Wednesday, I'm hoping it goes well but I'm trying to have no expectations... Counseling is the day before so I'll get some help then on what to expect. Need to go over possible scenarios in my head so I can be prepared. She essentially said that she isn't a leader, she's a "companion", from an archetype book she read. Kinda comes back to the fact I got complacent with the relationship and scared after my illness, let the wrong emotions run me. Honestly my biggest change has been to "man up" a bit. Communication was neither of our strong suits, she still has things to work on, but I'm pretty proud of myself for the things I've been able to do these past 2 months.

I've never really been alone like this before, I was terrified of losing everything. I'm sure I have more growing to do, but I know the man I am now is someone she would want to be with, someone I'm happy with. It's nice to hear a real reason from her and not the hollow excuses that changed from day to day she was using before. I'm worthy of forgiveness, that's on her now.

I need to be patient.

[WshIKnw]

What do the rest of you think about his situation? It sounds like it's going pretty well to me, but I'm hardly one that should be giving advice here.

[giftd]

So today she called after texting (I had a flat tire) and we talked for 25 minutes while she was driving down. When she finally got here she went through and saw the animals while we made small talk. Then she laid on the bed and talked to me while petting the cat. It felt like old times... Finally we went downstairs and she started to get into a strange mood. I asked if something was wrong and she said she was tired. After a couple minutes she actually fell asleep on the couch. I read and listened to music on the tv before waking her up after 30 minutes to ask if she'd rather order food than go out. She didn't reply so I just did. I went and picked it up and then we ate on the couch and watched a show she put on. I drank wine and when offered she asked for soda instead. My nerves kinda led me to drinking some. After a couple episodes and some laughs she said she had to go. Since I'd been drinking I got a bit teary. She asked if I wanted a birthday hug and I said "from you, always". Then I said "Because it's my birthday I'm going to say it, I love you, please don't reply". After a minute long embrace she got up and said good bye, there was no lingering in the driveway this time. She said she had been up since 5AM.

I didn't follow her out, I let her go. It's still painful. I try to detach, or at least project that I have when she's around. Fake it till you make it. It's just painful still. Things are so much better than when the bomb dropped, yet even though I've made progress with myself, the other two identities involved, the relationship and her, have made much slower progress. I don't know if she is pushing away or not anymore, but she isn't running. That's a positive step. She drove 2 hours to come see me for a birthday dinner. I gave her a card inviting her to my graduation ceremony for college. She didn't open it before leaving, I did my best to let that go. I did send a follow up text thanking her for the time and acknowledging that she had a long drive to get here. It's frustrating that she is staying 30 minutes away tonight at a friends house when she could be here with me... I can't make her come back though, I can show her who I am now and be the best man I can. At least she is talking to me...