Happy birthday! I'm so sorry that it's such low times for you, healthwise and relationship-wise. I haven't read here for a while and was very sad to see that the good R you had for a while, is no more.
My birthday was yesterday. My S day was 1 week before that (a year ago). This year, I celebrated with a new 'family' and had a great time. I didn't even think about the past or experienced any difficult feelings. You will be okay.
Take care of yourself and your heart!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Sorry for the delay, I have been catching on gardening, those past two years my poor garden took a hit, I just didn't have the mind/energy to tackle the tasks. I just redo my patio: new furniture, new gas fire pit, and new borders (had delivered 20 bags of mulch and 10 of garden soil)... My body hurts everywhere but my Happy Place is ready.
I know situations even if they are similar can be different sometimes, but I just wanted to mention to you that my WH became "worst" again during piecing during may be 2 months, at one point after an argument, the next day he told he was going to leave me in a few months (next school year) because he couldn't stand me anymore. I tried to talk to him, but he refused to listen to me and stonewalled me. A few weeks later, when I asked him in a very quiet and controlled manner about his plans so I can get ready, he denied saying that... and afterwards our relationship became nicer.
This week I reread the six stages of mIdlife crisis from Hearts Blessings, she mentioned that during piecing (acceptance), at one point the MLCer will revisit all the phases except replay, during that time the best is to just stand and do nothing, just keep living you life. That's what I did, I just made plans for myself and the kids and let him deal with his thoughts, I gave him space and time, it was easy since I didn't want to deal with him anymore anyway, I was done in my mind with that marriage.
Don't try to have any conversations with him, he is still deeply into his own turmoil. Piecing is a time where the MLCer is still wondering (on the fence) if he stays or if he leaves, so the most you will try to attract him or make him take a decision, the more he will run away and become nasty again.
Give yourself a few months, getting a divorce is a major decision, your situation might look bad right now but in a few months it might get better, what are just a few months to give a chance to the kids to have both parents together a little bit longer if he is not crossing any major boundaries.
Stop being impatient, accept that a marathon not a sprint and piecing is NOT a new Honeymoon, piecing is stabilizing a situation that was destructive. Piecing is a cease fire between 2 people who were at war. Let it go the 'Disney dream of Happily ever after". Now for the positive side, after a few months it gets better slowly.
I know it's tough to visualize that things can change drastically in a few weeks, last year he said he was going to move out this year in July because he couldn't stand me, now he is planning a birthday party for me next week and he doesn't even react when I poke him about the past... His behavior is totally different from last year of even 4 years ago, that version is better, but I still have anger issues about the OWs from time to time. Today at yoga the theme was resilience... for sure I am.
Be strong, sail through the storm (AKA do nothing), enjoy the upcoming Summer and try to find happiness everyday though your interactions with others.
Let him deal with his thoughts without any interactions, stop trying to read his mind because I pretty sure that himself he doesn't know what he really wants right now, show him you can be/live without him but at the same time stay nice, treat him as a good neighbor. And if one day you are really done, let him know in a very polite manner, because even if you are done with him you will still to have to coparent with him for many years to come.
Nothing is set in stone in life.
Big hugs
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
2016, Wow! thank you for the time and depth you provided posting here. If I file I won't be doing it anytime soon, I have too much on my plate with my heart issues. The recovery looks like it will be a little longer than I thought. I thought it would be just a few days but I've talked some friends who've undergone it and they said it took them at least a month to be 100%. But I think I am going to ask WH to live somewhere else once I move us into the new house. I just can't relax in my own home with this guy. I want to just be left alone for a while so I can make decisions with a clear and logical brain. I feel fairly detached but sometimes moments of pain sneak in or irritation/anger. I am just shocked how my once loving and compassionate husband turned into this...monster. And he blames me!
I've sought the guidance from two Islamic scholars and their suggestions was to move on and leave WH. They are afraid his behavior will cause my children to turn their backs on their religion given how WH has twisted it and bastardized it to justify finding another woman.
Thank you Sky!
Bigbiz, Thank you for the well wishes and happy bday! I am not sure if I've been very supportive lately as my schedule hasn't allowed as much time to comment here. I feel guilty for being the walk-away-poster, lol!
Painter, I am not sure if we've ever really been in R or piecing, WH has never fully rededicated himself to our marriage. For every half step he would take forward he would then slide 10 steps back. He still doesn't acknowledge and work on his poor boundaries, he still does not feel the affair was completely his fault, he still will not do "the work." But I can rest assured that I have given 1000% to save this amrriage but WH can't be bothered to engage. His loss.
ForGump, Thank you so much.
So yesterday my co-workers bought me a huge lunch of my favorite foods, a b-day cake, and roses. I was almost moved to tears and I tend not to show emotions at my work place. I was wrapped in their love and kindness. I am so blessed. I came home and WH was walking out in the garage, hesitated and said he was going to the store for a minute. HE came back with a small birthday cake, some balloons and candles. While I appreciate the gesture it left me more confused than anything. We have barely spoken to each other and he goes and does this? Later that night it was time for the kids to go to bed and my DD6 asked if we could blow out the candles. WH lit the candles and the kids sang happy bday to be. They were so sweet. I thanked WH and the kids ate some cake, brushed their teeth and WH laid down with them. (little confession, the kids mostly sleep in the MBDRM stil, it's a cultural thing to have extended bed sharing in Asian cultures) Most of the time WH will then move to a palate on the floor but last night he staye din our bed. Again...confused here.
Today WH was trying to tell me of an inlaw-to-an-uncle passed away and I was tring to understand how this person was related. WH became frustrated because I was asking for clarification on if I had ever met this person. He spoke in a low/angry tone and explained who this person was. (I've never met them and was unsure why he was telling me about this) Apparently it is customary to call and offer condolences even if I have no earthly idea who this person was. Um...ok? So after the kids are in bed WH will call and I guess we'll...speaker phone it?
In the meantime I told WH about what the pre-op information was for aftercare. I told him I probably needed him to to all the bed/bath/lifting routine for the kids for the next 4 days and maybe longer. I am not supposed to lift anything (including my scrumptious baby) for a few days and overall just take it easy. He mumbled ok and that was that.
So my heart...it's broken. In the literal and symbolic meaning he has broken my heart. For some reason I always assumed if someone caused another person (they previously professed to love and protect) pain and damage that they would have the aha! moment and turn it around. But WH still looks at me with cold and apathetic eyes. Out 8th anniversary is coming in a few days and it looks to be another wasted day. Last year at this time he was back with the OW...probably going out with her or something. I go over my past and wish I had chosen someone else. I wish I had never met this guy, this man who shattered my heart. I definitely wish I had chosen another man to be the father of my children.
Wish me luck tomorrow, I am very nervous.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
*waves weakly* Here I am friends, hearts been fixed.
Sky, It looks like we were typing and posting roughly around the same time so I didn't realize you had posted such a long and considerate post. WH has been very attentive both before and after the procedure. They had to keep me overnight because it ran late. They attempted to go through my femoral vein and it was too tight so they went through my jugular instead. WH was very attentive and even tender before and after it. Frankly I just don't trust it. I let him do all the kid stuff because I am not allowed to lift things above 5 pounds.
My body and mind are exhausted, my heart is literally broken. WH is talking about some changes we should make to the new house and I am numb. My mind rolls between hope and then desire for this to just be over. I fantasize about what I want and need in a partner and then feel defeat because I never thought this man would do these things to me. Furthermore that he would feel not an ounce of desire to beg me for forgiveness. Forgive me my friends, this heart procedure has made me SUPER emotional and I find myself constantly fighting tears. I feel vulnerable and my mortality feels closer than ever before in my life. I am physically sore and am battling exhaustion. I will be back later when I am more myself. THank you for your thoughts and prayers, it definitely helped.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
So glad this procedure is behind you now, and glad everything went OK. You get some rest, because I sense that you don't do nearly enough of that! Practice some radical self-love for a few days! Hugs!!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Glad everything went well! Please rest, you need it! It's normal that you don't trust him, I don't trust my WH either, even after one year and I sincerely don't know if I will fully one day...
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Caught him snap chatting tonight with a young, single pretty nurse tonight. He was bathing the baby and I walked in and recognized the app (he said he was going to delete it previously.) I've scheduled a talk tonight, I need to address this as stuffing it causes me enormous stress. I won't get irate or anything, I am placing boundaries for my own health.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
