Just a vanilla change 34

[doodler]

8. Cleanse living space, move if you can, decorate

V,

Pinterest is a great tool for collecting ideas and inspiration.

[Vanilla]

Another load of nonsense from the Giggalo.

Few more days of documentation and rubbish to do.

When will this ever end?

More legal action from him! This man is idiotic.

Too much to do, it's all nonsensical

V

[Vanilla]

V

I don't think "DB made your situation worse",

or it'd be like telling a battered wife that putting her arms up to keep her face protected is "making it worse."

You got healthier, and that escalated things till you saved yourself.

That's how I see it anyhow

Yes I understand your view. I can't see myself healthier at this stage, more knowledgeable perhaps. The Giggalo ramped up the abuse. I will move any discussion to my thread. Apologies wsh for the hijack.

V

[JujuB]

Great points above vanilla.

The worst aspect of abuse is the gaslighting and The self doubt that comes with it. The covertness of it and inability to recognise it as abuse.

Giggalo may have amped it up. But you are pretty open eyed about it and I think that puts you guys on equal footing.

Actually your not on equal footing because you're right, and you've been taking great measures to protect yourself.

Could you perhaps stop thinking of him as an abuser. That gives him power that he no longer has because your eyes are opened now. Do you thinking would help to view him as a lowly but annoying competitor or opponent that you have to defeat?

[Ginger1]

Could you perhaps stop thinking of him as an abuser. That gives him power that he no longer has because your eyes are opened now. Do you thinking would help to view him as a lowly but annoying competitor or opponent that you have to defeat?

I've been thinking of the right thing to say you, V. I think Juju has said when I have been trying to express.

He is no longer your abuser. You are not his to abuse anymore. You are your own woman separate of him, not bound to him in any sort of way. He is being a real D*ck head and playing games to get what he wants, but he isn't your abuser.

That is no longer your dynamic, because you are separate of each other.

Think of it as you got to do what you've got to to get what is rightfully yours. He could go on and on and on and spew and twist things, but who cares?

Just do what you need to for the financials. But your life is YOUR life now. Not his to take control over.

[Vanilla]

Juju and Ginger

Thank you for the comfort and kindness, I know posting on abuse sitches is very difficult. So thank you.

There is no way to sugar coat this. The Giggalo is still abusing me. It's called triangulation and the other party is the law.

He is using the court system to abuse. It's legal abuse.

There is no way to deny it and that it is happening. To deny that it is abuse gives him power over me. I have accepted he is abusing, that doesn't mean I am weak. I have strategies and am Surviving. It is important to bear in mind this is an abusive manipulative man and not let my guard down. Whilst I am putting my case to the law it is important I maintain that stance. And truly just because he abuses doesn't mean he has control. That only happens if I deny his abuse. What he does is abuse.

One doesn't forgive a crime in progress nor minimise it.

To me if he cut my arm off, I wouldn't say ahhhhh, that isn't violence. It's violence whatever my thoughts on it.

Eventually I will thrive.

And yes whilst he has a claim against my assets we are bound together. My D isn't finished.

I am trying to keep what is rightfully mine and the Giggalo is trying to take it away. Well he has me defending my stance.

So my view is quite different and yes being angry is very helpful at this stage. I actually care about his actions and not his words. The fact that I have been NC for 2 years whereas he has been aggressive, domineering and legally active is very helpful to me. My L says I have made no mistakes whilst in NC.

I simply want him to go away. At this stage it is important that I put up my boundaries and defend my fort.

Thank you for your care

V

[JujuB]

I do care.

And I do agree that he is abusing and manipulating the system. It's disgusting.

I was trying to suggest more of an imagery technique. Kind of like when you imagine him as a silly cartoon. To imagine him as an opposing business owner.... a huge concern and annoyance. A reason to up your game and fight. But never someone to affect you on a personal and emotional level and never someone that effects your soul.

For me, (and just my thoughts and bare with me because I too am having a hard time expressing. ) abuse was only possible because of the "love" and relationship that went along with it. If a random guy that I barely knew treated me the way an abusive relationship partner did, it might scare me. It might disturb me. It would cause me to seek outside help. But it wouldn't have the same affect on me that soneone abusive in a relationship did. It wouldn't effect my core because I wouldn't view it as personal. It's also recognizable which makes the world of difference. Its also something that we allowed on some level. And that's why it affects our soul so much.

The worst and deadliest part of abuse is when the abused no longer recognizes or trusts the self. It's when the abused becomes their own worst enemy.

You now trust your self. And you are your own advocate. So the abusers most dangerous weapon has been taken away.

Because that weapon has been taken away, Piggalo is demoted from abuser to powerless fool fighting an unwinable battle. He will eventually be ousted.

[Vanilla]

I love that juju.

Pigalo!

We have to protect ourselves and think the worst.

I believe I was targeted for money, so the abuser abused deliberately and raged when I set my boundaries. And as the target, nothing the abuser did was our responsibility. Nothing. And abuse is like warm water which boils slowly. It stinks.

And the doubt is because of gaslighting reality. Questioning myself. Once you know you are a target, once you have a spell break, then you are almost gaslight bullet proof.

They also create a double bind. For instance, "I don't like spaghetti, you know that so why serve it to me?" Two weeks later "you don't serve spaghetti, that's because you know I love it".

Or "you are wearing jeans again,you look a mess" and later" why are you dressed formally, you would be more comfortable in jeans"

Or "you buy the wrong juice, get it into your thick head I only drink A P P L E juice" then goes out and gets orange juice.

Nuts. And now I see it.

V

[Painter]

I am so sorry you are still dealing with this, V.

For 10 years, WH's ex-W used the court system to control and frustrate us. The collateral damage was their children, who were repeatedly put in the middle and damaged by her war. It didn't matter if we gave into her demands, she would repeatedly create chaos via the custody agreement (exploiting every issue that was not spelled out beyond interpretation) and draining our finances while enriching a string of lawyers.

I remember telling my WH that I felt like she had a giant arm that was sticking in the window, wielding her power in our personal space. Our home was not our castle.

The only comfort I had, was that I could take a break from her. I could think of other things and enjoy my life, while she was stuck with herself, inside her own brain, 24/7. I do believe that was a nightmare.

I feel for you. Abusive and controlling people will increase their efforts when you stand up to them. Hang in there and stay safe, you will eventually persevere.

[Georgiabelle]

V,

Just stopping by to say I'm sorry your x is being an a$$hat. Ouch! You are right. You will thrive.