Dealing with Affair

[FindAir]

NG2,

Your sitch resonates with me, mainly on how your feelings are at the moment. My nightmare began only 5 weeks ago and I go back and forth whether its worth staying and working on it or being subject to it possibly happening again. Scary! Whichever direction we/you choose. My/Your emotions fluctuate minute to minute.

I'd like to give my opinion on exposing it to the OMW. I may be new and not "certified" to give this type of opinion, but I feel that it's one of the best thing I did regarding all this...

For one, the A a is like a sickness or an addiction and you must take every step possible to fight it off. Secondly, although she may be heartbroken the OMW will appreciate it. Deep down they don't want to be deceived either and will want to take action as well. I know if the shoe were on the other foot I'd would want to hear from the OMW. The OMW in my sitch had no clue it was going on. She was devastated but thanked me for letting he know. Yes, it might make your WW and the OM upset, but who cares, their in a FOG. It will also sends a clear message that your not messing around, that this is a clear violation of marriage that you equate it to a major (moral) crime.

In any case, again, it sends a clear message to WW and OM that they should think twice before doing it again and the effects it has on their loved ones.

Just my two cents.

[Accuray]

Or better yet ask W to tell OMW with you in the room.

Acc

[FindAir]

Great idea Acc! That would definitely have persuasive effect.

[Newguy2]

Ownit - I wouldn't say we take turns threatening to leave the marriage - I've never threatened to leave. And I'm not expressing ambivalence about leaving to change her behavior - there is nothing she can do to help me through this.

Regarding the OMW. I can't tell the OMW with my wife present because I don't know her. I don't know the other guy either. I have names, facebook accounts and some phone numbers. I tried to call one of the phone numbers today in case I contacted the OMW - disconnected. The other phone number had an answering machine, but I'm not sure if it's the correct phone number. I told my wife that I was going to facebook message the OMW, but she told me that the OMW would not receive the message, the 'other guy' would.

I do have the other guy's cell phone so I've thought about contacting him. I don't know what my intent with that would be - to see what he would say... to see how I would react? To pressure him to tell his wife? (Ideally I would want him to tell her). Maybe we would be respectful to each other and recognize that we both need to move on with our lives?

[EastTN]

Telling your wife that you were doing this was not helpful, you've only made sure she and OM know about your plan, and when OMW hears from you, she will be already be prepped that you are a crazy person and nothing you say is true.

[FindAir]

I contacted the OM years ago when I suspected something going on. He told me he was going to stay away. That didn't last. They are liars and they don't care about you. If they cared at all, they wouldn't prey on another mans W!

That being said, I didn't inform my W that I was contacting the OMW, I just did it.

You can find out who she is, just dig a little and don't tell your W.

[sandi2]

I think she truly is remorseful and I don't think she has had any contact with the other guy.

I recommend having a transparency plan.  It is to help her earn back your trust.  The first time around, you gave her your trust, but after betraying that trust....she needs to earn it back.  Do you get what I'm saying?  For some reason, you seem to think that responsibility is on your shoulders.

The best way to monitor her actions are probably by looking at her texting activity.  Now do NOT tell her in advance that you are going to look to at her phone.  Do not have a regular time that you check it.  If she is not being honest, or if she slides back into the affair.....she will know to keep her phone activity concealed.  

First thing is ask her if she is willing to agree to be transparent about her activity, in order to help you get through this painful time.  (And btw, don't repeat every word we say to her, okay?  I'm not saying to lie.  There's just some things that are not to be shared at this time). 

Secondly, you cannot just take her word.  Cheaters lie.  You need to see some type of evidence, when possible.  This will not be for the rest of your life, but it's to last until she is well out of the addiction & grieving stages of ending the affair.  You will determine when you feel safe.  Your monitoring will taper off until you may go months between checking her text messages.  Again.....do not repeat this information to her.  This is just for you!  Do not refer to "monitoring" her, b/c those are fightin words to a wayward wife.  This is me talking to you, not you talking to her.  Also,  do not buy into her complaints of you intruding her privacy, b/c there should be no privacy in a MR after having an affair!  

The transparency should be set according to your needs, like what you will need from her in order to support the healing from the affair.  Sometimes, the H has the WW to write a letter (not email) to the OM that plainly states that she regrets the affair and how she loves her H, and that OM is to never contact her again.  Then, the H checks it over and he puts it in the mail himself.  You may not like that sort of thing, it's up to you.  

Blocking OM on FB, email, phone, and any apps she has used in communicating with him, would show you her sincerity in ending the affair. Every time she sees a post, picture, etc. from him........it triggers her craving to contact him.

For her sake, as well as your sake, she needs to be accountable while she goes through a period of "withdrawal" from the emotions linked to the affair. The agreement to never contact OM again, is very important.  Affairs are highly addictive, and your W will crave to contact him just like its her drug of choice.  B/c the affair was about how it made her feel about herself.  You can support her through this time by monitoring her phone activity.  It is a way she can show accountability. She should have no secret passwords from her H on email accounts, phones, etc. Of course, there are other ways she can contact him, but if she thinks you are not checking her phone....she will get careless at some point.  You can tell her at the point of her agreeing to a transparency plan that you will look at the phone activity from time to time, but you will not tell her when, or in advance, or ask her to go get her phone for you to see (she would only delete what she didn't want you to see).  If she is not willing to cooperate, then you have your answer about her intentions.

This is part of the work she must do to kick the addiction of her affair.  It took me months to get through it (and the depression that followed), but it doesn't take some people as long.  Just don't think it's something she is going to lay down without struggling in the process.  

I don't think she would slip back into the affair or get into another affair.

  
Look, I'm sorry if I sound negative.  I am trying to inform you about the pattern of wayward wives.  She has to go through a process and it does not happen overnight.  The M can be saved, but you have to be realistic and get informed.  The fact you don't think she would get into another affair, tells me that you want to see her at her as being the girl you married.   The person she is today is not the girl you first married.  Don't turn a blind eye to it. The current state she is in...........you just don't know for sure what she may do. That's why there needs to be guidelines and boundaries for the months ahead. She has hard work ahead of her, and you have a lot of healing to do.  To do it all on your own, or to not get better informed about what you will be facing......is taking a big chance at divorce.  I hope you will stay on the board to learn more about this problem and how to deal with the wayward wife.  

I think to myself that I've put a lot of work into our relationship and tried to be the 'ideal husband'.

Ideal husband in whose opinion?  How do you know what the ideal husband is for your W?  Maybe she feels she put a lot of work into the R earlier and tried to be the ideal W, and it didn't get her emotional needs met in return. IDK, I'm just saying that from I've seen, men's idea of the perfect H.....is rarely what women really need from him.  

I've made many changes over the years. And in the back of my mind I know that if the tables were reversed and I had been the one to have an affair... she would have left me.

That right there ^^^^^^^^ tells me a lot about your MR.  And you are correct, she would not tolerate you cheating on her!  Would I be correct to say she has not tried to be as accommodating to your feelings?   When it's all one-sided, it makes for a poor relationship.  

[Newguy2]

Thanks for the reply Sandi2 - you (and everyone else) is really getting me thinking about this.

I do have a 'transparency plan' - she has already told me I can check her phone. I was checking it each day the first couple of weeks - but I've told her I want to trust her and so I'm not going to check it anymore - but I'm just checking it in secret. The problem I had last week is the OM called her work phone - which set me off again because I thought they were only communicating through text. It took away my sense of control in this situation. She told me that is the last time they have communicated and she told him she didn't want contact from him again. I guess I should stay skeptical of this - but not have assumptions either way unless there is evidence.

And you're right - I want her to be the girl I married. I want my wife who is 'always' open and honest with me. It's a hard pill to swallow, but that's not what I have now. I have someone who is good at sneaking, keeping secrets and lying to me. Someone who put her own needs ahead of her respect for me.

She has told me that she misses the OM. She missed that 'void' that he filled for her. We will have to be open about communicating and make plans for dealing with this situation. We are both reading books on dealing with affairs and I should be getting the Divorce Remedy in the mail tomorrow.

I guess I tried to be the 'ideal husband' to her. I tried to make whatever changes I could for her. I agree - she probably feels like she has put all kinds of work into the relationship too. I like to think that this affair has changed us - that we will grow from it. I know that I'm surprised with how much emotional pain I've handled without emotionally reacting in a negative way.

My wife and I discussed our relationship before the affair and I told her how I never felt like I could express myself fully to her because she would get angry. I always felt like I was the one apologizing. I think I avoided the conflict and tried to mend the problems that arose, but that was sooo draining for me. I didn't want to talk with her about it because, again, it would lead me to discussing issues in our relationship (and conflict). So I would tell her "I need time to myself" which I believe led to her feeling lonely.

I think I have a lot to learn about myself and relationships. I think my primary focus needs to be on myself - building my own self-respect and self-esteem. Continuing to read any gain understanding.

[LiM]

I think I have a lot to learn about myself and relationships. I think my primary focus needs to be on myself - building my own self-respect and self-esteem. Continuing to read any gain understanding.

In these situations, its never just about the WW. You are spot on in realizing that YOU have a lot to learn and your focus needs to be on YOU.
As you read the "getting over the A" books, I would encourage you to talk about the things you are each reading. What things resonate with each of you?

I think you previously said something about your W not being able to do anything to help you heal. I would disagree with that. While ultimately, it is YOU that will have to come to terms with what has happened and learn to forgive and love again, I do believe that your W has an important role to play in your healing process. You will never be able to fully heal unless she is there to support you, express empathy and regret and be accountable for her choices and the pain it has caused in your R. Without that from her, you won't be able to move forward.

[Newguy2]

Update:

So a lot happened since my last post. I started to get torn up about the OM and OMW situation. I found out that all of my contact attempts to OMW were useless. So my thoughts shifted to contacting the OM. So I texted him, asked him to call me for a 'mutually respectful' talk. He agreed and called me. I told him that I'm angry about this situation and that I planned to contact his wife - but I decided to contact him to ask him some questions and I asked for him to be honest with me (I know... they lie). Anyway, I asked him a few questions about the affair, timelines, last contacts, etc. He answered me and everything lined up with what my wife told me. I originally had more in-depth questions to ask to see if I could catch my wife lying... but I decided I'm not out for a 'witch hunt'. And who knows if my wife's and his recollections would match up. So I did the few 'test questions' and everything went well. I told him how difficult this situation has been on my wife and myself - he apologized. He said he went through a difficult time in his life and that's when he connected with my wife. He said he wants to focus on his relationship with his wife (he also has kids). I asked him not to contact my wife again and he agreed. I told him that if he ever sees my wife and I in public, to quickly walk the other way before I see him.

I felt a huge weight lifted from that conversation. At this point, I feel that the OMW and OM door is closed. I know that 'they lie' and the door might get reopened by my wife or the OM... but I feel better that I made a respectful attempt to shut it.

I told my wife about the conversation (maybe this was a mistake) and that I am ready to take steps toward repairing our marriage. She expressed feeling mixed feelings. One the one hand she is happy for me and us... but she is also grieving the loss of a 'friend'. A part of me is angry about this, but I didn't show it. I told her that I understand how she will be grieving the loss of him and that me confronting him potentially drives that wedge between them much deeper. I told her that I will help support her through this as much as I can and suggested IC for her. I think our conversation went very well and we both seemed happy this morning.

She told me that she spoke with her friend yesterday (that is aware of the affair) and the friend told her she never liked the OM. She told me that the friend reminded her of times that he would discount her feelings and focus on himself. She said her conversation with the friend was very helpful - I encouraged her to keep asking for that support.

Anyway... I feel much better with the direction I'm facing. I want to work on the marriage. I received the Divorce Remedy book and will be starting to read through it. My wife also has another book she wants to read with me and discuss - and we planned a trip out of town with just the two of us. We are planning to listen to an audiobook on the way so we can discuss how we feel.

I think I'm moving in the right direction and I'm hopeful with the plans we have made. We are still on the waitlist for marriage counseling. While we wait we are going to focus on our books and communicating openly.