Hi Island, Venting on here DOES help, and sometimes it is the last straw before running into the street like a crazy woman and letting the whole world know you're on the verge of crazy. We've all been where you are in the horrible shock of new, painful discoveries. Keep venting! This place will walk you through it. Hugs!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Thornton, I'm inclined to agree with you. He could have sat down with me and said that he's given it thought, it's over but no, he threw it at me in the midst of an argument about how he lied about staying at a guys house, when in fact he is staying a a womans house; justifying his lies by saying he knew how i would react.
I hate to say it but NO - he CHOSE to lie to me - he could have told me the truth - yes it would have gone down like a lead balloon as he has male friends he could stay with, but at least he wouldn't be a liar and I wouldn't be questioning every other piece of crap he has told me over the last few weeks - especially about where he has been staying.
He said it was the first time he stayed there as he couldn't get hold of his mate - he bumped into her in a bar (he'd gone off to think - apparently bars are the best place for that) and she offered her spare room - and now he's there, living with her cos he needs "SPACE" Our spare rooms don't cut it apparently.
I'm angry because I don't feel my reaction was any different to any other woman. Im angry because he seems to think i over reacted. Im angry and broken because he used it as an excuse to show me how little out marriage was worth to him by saying "Ive given it thought, I've had time and its done, we are OVER" Doesn't seem very confused to me. In fact he made himself very clear. He then decided to say that he hadn't made up his mind about our trip to Miami for his birthday (going on to the UK) but I can go ahead and cancel that because he's not going - 1.5 weeks before we are due to go.
He sounds so unaffected when he calls - just fine whilst I am trying to keep myself from falling apart at work.
I agree with what you say about counseling -He's continuing with the individual sessions and called me today to arrange a joint one. After telling me how done we were he threw me that tiny thing called hope by saying maybe they could change his mind - then added but probably not. For someone who says he hates hurting me and hates to see me upset, he is doing a grand job of just the opposite.
I have been far from the perfect wife - there is so much more I could have done, but we got comfortable, complacent but he never said anything. In the space of a month I am no longer his beautiful wiffy, there are no more good nights and kisses, there are no more texts to say I love you; instead I am alone, hurting and angry and so very confused - yet my heart (whats left of it) has given up and agrees that it is over - I did what I could, I trusted and let him do what he wanted, and now there is nothing more to do.
I want to believe there is nothing going on - but I am not stupid - I know what I would be thinking should a friend say the same thing to me.............. As for being on the verge of crazy - i jumped on that bus a while ago and I just don't know how to get off....
You guys are awesome - thank you for being there and trying to crawl my way out of this darkness....
Island, I feel your pain and anguish in your post. You don't deserve any of this.
No one is perfect, including your H.
Honestly, I don't think your sitch is hopeless. But you need to detach and back way off of H.
Like the book says, pretend you are moving on with your life. Not in a snarky way. But in a way that conveys you forgive H but you are movIng on. Make sense?
He sounds so unaffected when he calls - just fine whilst I am trying to keep myself from falling apart.
Island,
This is because he is fine. He has all of the power in your relationship now. He has 100% of the power and you have 0% of the power. He has his wife chasing him and (sorry to say), the OW in the same house where he is now staying.
I have seen stories like yours, over and over again. I know that it is not easy and it is terrifying to come to terms with this, but there is about a 99.9% chance that he his having an affair with the woman that he is staying with.
I only say this so that you know what you are actually dealing with. Our WAS's don't really "need space". That is bullsh!t. They "need" or "want" time with their affair partner.
You will feel the need to snoop and find out for sure. I would highly discourage you from doing that. Don't snoop into his phone or email. Don't follow him. Don't park your car outside of the OW house. It will only serve to make you go crazy. Once you know things, you can't un-know them and it will stay with you forever.
You need to completely pull back and do nothing. Stay calm, silent and rational (harder said than done). But for the love of God, please do it. Any over reaction and angry outbursts by you will only send him running for the hills.
Maintain your dignity. It will be hard as hell, but it is the only way.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
If you go over your post(s) it reads he this, he that, all the time he, he, he. I know what you are saying, but it is Island time. In my last reply I told you not to believe ANYTHING he says. This is important. Do not believe anything he says. Please try to wrap your brain around this one. Even he does not know what he is saying. STOP TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF IT. There is no sense to me made here and the sooner so realize that, the better you will be. Some LBSs were driven to the point of madness because they were trying to "understand".
I have read the rules - harder said than done. He called last night. I thought to ignore the call, but thats so much harder to do. I answered and he asked if I was ok and chatted about his work. Then there was silence so i said I had better go.
I know i should not be so accommodating, but I care. I've not reached out to him, he has called me and I know it is probably just to ease his own conscience.
I have not been stalking him - not at all, no phone or emails - i still don't know why I drove in the direction I did, but I am glad I did. At least now I know that he has lied to me and I know that no matter what I was doing this was inevitable.
I'm no longer trying to understand him, I cant, I cant make sense of this situation and how it has come about so quickly. I can't believe how quickly this has all happened.
Today is another day. I just have to try and get through it.
Honey, I feel for you. I've been there. I am not getting on your case to annoy you. I would just love for you to reach this wonderful place of serenity sooner than I have. It really took me almost 2 years to get to the point where I am at.
You will cycle, your mood will cycle, but it does get better. You have to have the fact that your husband is on his mission, a mission that does not involve you. No, you cannot help him, and no, your "love" will not save him and no amount of begging, pleading and reasoning will work. I am sure you will try, but you will fail and it will make you spin further.
Thank you Vapo - I know you are helping. I am trying very hard to focus on me.
I am going to the gym after work, I am making nights out with friends, I have plans for my weekend - but its when I come home to our house - the house that was our home that I feel broken.
Its when I see a message come through on my phone and its not from him.
Its when I wake up and I am alone.
Its also, I'm doing these fun things with my friends and I have no-one to share it with. No one to build dreams with.
I know I can have dreams by myself and I dream that I will find happiness. I'm at a low today, was stronger yesterday, just really struggling with reality.
No worries hun, as I said, you will cycle. You have to come to the spot where you are happy by yourself and you have to come to the conclusion that happiness lies inside you and no other person can make you happy.
When I felt bad, I found that physical excercise helped me. Helped heaps.
In any case, you are not alone, on these boards you will always find a helping soul and a shoulder to cry on. We here have been through the hell you are going through, so we understand you. I would venture to say that people around you do not understand...
