Just a vanilla change 34

[Vanilla]

Thank you Dawn for your care and concern. Jellyb you have such lovely words although the words did make me cry.

Fogg, at the moment I need some space to journal and put my thoughts together, I feel very lost and quite alone. That isn't lonely just alone. Abandoned by my inner self and higher spirit. It is a dark night of the soul, it hasn't escaped me that yesterday was Good Friday. The darkest night of many souls and the higher spirit. I pray for those who are lost.

Sotto as always I agree with you. A wiser person than me said I follow Sotto around the board agreeing. It's a habit of mine too!

V

[Vanilla]

I spent all night deep in thought and did not sleep.

I am angry, very very angry. Mainly at the system and the high conflict in generates in us as targets. It's Easter Sunday, a time of peace, the sun is shining. I have guests coming to Sunday Lamb Roast with all the trimmings. And I am angry at just about everything including myself. It seems strange to be angry now when it's impotence. It serves no purpose at all today. Pointless, although it marks a change. I am not afraid of this anger, I had flashes of it when my mother died. It isn't hateful at all, I can choose to direct it.

The abuser that is the Giggalo has been practicing his art since he was born and I am new born at understanding let alone countering that art. I feel vulnerable, and I know the invading forces have an impossible time conquering the natives. I have surprise on my side, it is not known that this target has defensive strategies.

I am reading a book by Leon Festinger on The Theory of Cognitive Dissonance and suddenly lots of hidden pieces of the jigsaw are falling into place. The book is a seminal book from 1957 updated in 1985 and so powerful. I haven't learned as much since I read the Van der Kolk books on trauma and the body. I feel like I want to hit myself on the head with a hammer. So many of the things I worked out for myself are written (plus more) in this amazing text book.

I recently read the Kathleen Krajeco book on her life a tribute. And that began my descent into turmoil. My goodness why would we want to be left in the position of being a target when there are so many alternatives. Why isn't this stuff well known? This wacky Internet world allows us to get to knowledge and it's sitting there on library shelves within reach all along. Written even before I was a twinkle in my father's eye.

This stuff is dangerous and creates in me confusion. In was in my search to answer a question on the abuse thread on FOO that this arose. Thinking about childhood and damage, rereading man's search for meaning for the nth time (where necessary is a biggish number). Looking at man's inhumanity to man, looking at why abusers abuse weaker more vulnerable targets. The only conclusion that I come to is because they can and they know what they are doing. They have control and because of it I see masks with empty faces. There is an advert on TV here for a show on Atlantic called Mr Robot which has a masked character with his mask burning off and empty eyes.

In October 2014 that is what I saw in the Giggalo, in his eyes when he ceased to care to even hide the nature of his game. When he said to me, V be careful. He spat on one of my jackets that I accidentally dropped.

I failed to see it as a threat, because I long ceased to drink near the Giggalo since February 2014. It's he said she said and not recorded. That and a couple of other things makes me angry. I know what has been said when the mask fell. I know what was behind the empty eyes. And it has caused trauma. And there is little that can be done about the evil in this world and it makes me angry.

So if I have upset anyone with this futility and venting on this holiest of days I apologise.

So Easter eggs to all and Simnel cake.

V

[25yearsmlc]

V


((( )))

you know Easter is resurrection and rebirth...so there's that, and seems to me at this moment that it's very relevant for both of us.

Just as I realize that things I "should" have seen

(I'm trying to avoid subjunctives should/could/would have, for now. But oh well, I'm human and thus inconsistent)

so -things I should have seen but did not.

Why did I do that?

I think I saw things that validated my choice to stay, and not that indicated I had made a huge mistake.

But it's too far to say "What if we lived our lives all wrong?" Not when we know we loved. Ilyich was is NOT YOU. He's your archetype fear, and he's one of mine.

The other would be the client I had (I was doing his will) and he shook his fist at God on his deathbed, taking his anger into eternity. He'd had a mistress for decades and mistreated his family and was simply a curmudgeon.

Fears of you turning out to be Ilyitch is a tad too far. (But I love the reference!)

Maybe read Kerry Egan's book "On Living".

It's a bookclub choice for my club.
The first 20 pages were about patients in hospitals telling the author (a chaplain) about the relationships in their lives that mattered, that they ruined or lost or cherished...

I could barely get thru that^^ b/c of my 3 children and the last 10 years, and b/c suddenly so many good memories are becoming darkly colored by so much doubt...

BUT the book went deeper into shame and guilt and the difference, and more questions.

At one point the author asks

"What if the greatest thing I think I ever did, was the worst?" (Giving up a baby at birth, for instance)

"What if the person I loved most, did not love me back?"

and so on.

It's helping me, although it's not a smooth ride. Vanilla, a lot of it will resonate with you I think. Unless you are secretly a contract killer, I cannot imagine your life being "all wrong". You're too self aware. You come here and post to others. That's a good thing my friend.

Vanilla, your sentence to me about being "on a ledge in high winds holding the kite of love"

made me cry. I can scarcely write it out here, and I cannot read it out loud without tears.

It was and is, apt.

Remember the message of the Resurrection. Your re-birth. OURS, in fact. Pretty darn important.

((( V )))

[Vanilla]

In many ways 25 I agree with you about this journey in life.

I am reflecting deeply on these troubled times. To let the abuser into my head is relinquishing control over my personal domain. I am minded of the play A man for all seasons which has Sir Thomas More defining his personal boundary when asked to relinquish his deeply held belief. He knew his belief and held it, gave up his life for his belief, he chose to stand for his belief and gave up his life for it, I am confused about my choices.

The Giggalo breached so many of my personal boundaries, even when I enforced them. In ignorance the assumption I made, (and have kept making) is that I had no boundaries and that those I had were not enforced well enough. That is a false assumption, a cognitive dissonance if you will that was rationalised. My boundaries are fine for an ordinary life and simply weak for an extraordinary time. I still had boundaries, largely untested until the Giggalo.

Abusers choose to abuse and to press on boundaries. Abusers abuse because it gives control and they like it as it gives them power to get more resources. Even after two years and NC the Giggalo forces himself into my life by taking legal action against me. When I looked into the empty eyes of the Giggalo after his mask slipped I swear I saw evil. It was a terrifying thought and I dismissed it. It was the black hole of his addictions devoid of feeling, devoid of love. After that the Giggalo did not mask himself (masking takes much energy and he knew that I was no longer charmed) and yet I still chose to endure abuse. To face this truth is hard, it appears to condemn what is a loving husband and father. My higher power used to tell me that is not my job, I have no right to label and judge. I know what I saw that day. To validate my choices, the rationalisation says "you only know what you thought you saw". It allowed me my perspex spew shield and to defend (no matter how inadequately) weak boundaries. I still know what I saw, and it made me afraid. Afraid for my physical health, that is why the body keeps the score was so important, an invasion of mental boundaries is internal to the body. And indeed the body does keep the score.

25, I chose denial too, (I use the word choice often instead of should) and I have told myself I chose that denial, I no longer choose it. I will not be abused. That is one of the gifts of NC. I choose (current tense) to know that I was abused, I choose to know the extent of it. And I don't like it, it victimises myself for myself by the self. And yet to accept responsibility for some of it is very freeing. The abuser abuses and chooses this way of invading boundaries. The abused does not choose to be abused. The target endures it until they choose to break free of it. This choice does not stop the abuse, not for one moment. Choosing to not be abused doesnt stop the abuser abusing to feed a need. This is my way to be. I can like Thomas More know the boundary and like him I can decide that I will bend to the King's will and law as far as my conscience will allow. Henry VIII died a dreadful death of syphilis and his ulcers made his body have the stench of living rotting flesh. His private parts rotted away and he died with his bladder an open sore. Thomas More was executed his head was on traitors gate for a month before his loving daughter asked for a Christian burial and reunited his head and body. Thomas More paid a high price for keeping his boundary. He kept his sanity and he was loved.

I baulk at labelling another's actions as evil, it seems wrong somehow to do this. I am reading Scott Peck and People of the Lie, he does not blanch at saying lies are evil and indeed he says it clearly. Addiction is an evil and can be a factor which drives abuse.

I was taught from being a small child it is my Christian duty to forgive, popular psychology tells us that forgiveness is devine, that we forgive to save ourselves. Perhaps we do. Perhaps sometimes we forgive to save ourselves, perhaps Thomas More forgave the king, perhaps his daughter forgave the executioner. I still know what I saw in the sharks eye, I still saw a predator and his prey. In that moment I saw intent to harm. I believe that moment started the cPTSD, triggered the trauma and it continues.

It is not my job to forgive, at Easter (this new Easter) I realise that burden is removed from me, another more special man was crucified to save me from that task. Another atoned for me and on my behalf, released me from that obligation. It is my job to heal me, selfish as that lofty goal is. It is self centred rather than selfish. I know I released myself from that need to forgive after struggling with why I could not forgive and I deliberately researched forgiveness; some of my answer came from Forgiving or not Forgiving, the rest my Christian conscience struggled with the arrogance of forgiveness. Until my higher power said to me, be still, let me deal with the Punishing or not Punishing of the Giggalo and his Karma. I handed over responsibility to the higher power, I let it go, I let the need to punish or forgive be that of the higher power. The Giggalo already has his Karma, I saw his empty eyes and for a moment his struggling soul, one day he may win or lose his battle with addiction. That is his journey alone, I have my journey too.

I believe in evil and for a brief time it revealed itself to me. That evil is not the Giggalo himself, it is his weakness and compulsion, his gambling that takes over his life. He is consumed by his gambling addiction and that addiction is the evil. It is that addiction that I can not forgive, I know that man is consumed by addiction. The man himself is irrelevant when addiction is in play. Sir Thomas More said this much of the king and his sex addiction, the king wanted a son to be his heir, and yet his diseased loins gave issue to two powerful daughters. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. The King died rotting, his body from the outside and I hope his soul was purified by the holy spirit and the Easter offering of suffering. Truly some of the King's actions made him one of the People of the Lie.

25, the image of you with the kite came to me through my higher power. For that is how I saw you. In a red coat, with big red buttons and flowing hair. The kite is blue and white with ribbon Ed tail. It is a strong image and the kite is flying high. Yesterday I went to a powerful art exhibition of the works of Constable. His beautiful pictures of the Sussex Downs and Brighton had me mesmerised. My very favourite painting was of an Elm tree, the bark on it with Moss so real that the tree was in my mind for hours. Extraordinary. The same museum had beautiful furniture from the Art Deco period. As I went around the exhibition with a like minded friend, I realised I missed this art, this way of relating to the world. It was one of my losses in my life with the Giggalo, he saw this exploration as a waste of time, then I am minded that I saw his endless golf as allowable. And yet my rambling mind of jumbled passions was not allowable. Part of the abuse was seeing my interests as unnecessary and his as essential, the other part was forcing that view on me. Ranting until I gave up my interests. And for the sake of peace and harmony, I gave them up to please. I did this to myself in the hopes of repairing my R. DB for me was putting those things back in my life.

I am angry, yes I am very angry.

V

[Dawn70]

I think anger is a very understandable thing to feel. You, as usual, so eloquently described where that anger is directed and where it comes from, so I think that it seems perfectly logical to feel it.

Hang in there, dear lady. Better days are ahead for sure.

[Vanilla]

It occurred to me the Giggalo could be driven by hate fear and anger. Not a great way to live, now I have experiencedited it.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

That's great to say. The other parts of my life occupy me more these days. My R with my higher spirit is more important to me today than anything else.

I ask my higher spirit to forgive my anger at its loss. If my words have troubled any one then I ask them to forgive too.

There will be lighter brighter thoughts to come (I Trust that). This is my journey.

Today I am still angry.

V

[25yearsmlc]

V

I'm reading along and pondering. And getting my car so I can finally drive again. (The 6 months post seizure, is UP!) Needless to say, as soon as it arrives, you may not see me here BUT you may see me on the road careening around a corner. Strange milestone.

Just stopped by to say I'll read this post of yours ^^^ again. I read the People of the Lie" years ago. Might get it out again.

My r with h is complicated by knowing he is the father of my children & I will have to see him for the rest of our lives, at least now and then.


((( )))

[Vanilla]

25

The most important NC is Emotional NC, not physical NC.

Just saying

V

[25yearsmlc]

how does one achieve emotional NC

or you are referring to mental detachment, with or without physical?

At least h is far away on the paradise of tundra, and not physically near me. I hate that all of the nuclear family we formed, are split up in 4 states. But I'm grateful I don't have to deal with him in person.

It would really $uck to be in a small town and with little ones holding you there. I recall some military families splitting up in Alaska, with husbands tending to prefer it there, and wives, not so much.

The courts would award joint custody, usually, so the parents were trapped there unless they both agreed. Yikes.

[Vanilla]

OK Emotional NC

This is what it means to me
1. Intel, good solid Intel and facts, no hiding from the truth
2. No snooping, FB, texts, email, mail calls, block, defriend
3. All contact with a third party L
4. No discussion with ex other than with impartial
5. No listening to gossip
6. No creating gossip
7. Wish the ex well publicly and no chat,change the subject
8. Cleanse living space, move if you can, decorate
9. Rings, pictures, letters, cards all go, cleanse
10. Remove triggers of all sorts
11. None of their stuff in your space, none, Nada, nothing

Now for feelings
1. List your freedoms
2. Allow yourself minimal time each day when you think of them, cut that time ruthlessly
3. No rewriting of history, no wishful thinking
4. Use a name, depersonalise eg The Giggalo, the Duck, Jerk face, Skype dad, Disney girl, scumbucket, dips tick, crud loin
5. Convert them to cartoons, two dimensional, find an image which puts you off, I use the Disney baby image

Next
1. Write down the 10 worst nasty stuff (in your case the spell break FB post would be included)
2. Crash the 10 into a screen play in your mind
3. Faster and faster until in merges into one then throw it out from your body
4. Choose a song and image you really dislike and use it (I used Nuki Song as my ring tone from gummy bear)
5. Do a cleanse, burn your list, flush it whatever works
6. Take an image in your mind distort it, add squeaky voice, imagine them with piles etc etc
7. If you have an image of him with OW, image she has herpes or warts or spots or is an alcoholic or or or, give her a name too, the fishwife, RIT, scuzzy, tampon
8. Any times that the wayward seemed nice or loving then put a box around the image turn it black and white

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There are NLP techniques try googling I can mend your broken heart

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You look after you. Extreme self care.

V