Dealing with Affair

[Newguy2]

I'm glad I have been patient and slowly moving through this process - even when the emotions were strongly pushing me in one direction or another.

To give you perspective on our relationship - we dated in High School. First girlfriend I ever had. She had dated and had other relationships. She has deep struggles with feeling unlovable. I have deep struggles with inadequacy (not being good enough in most things I do). She's extroverted, I'm introverted. She has no interest in my interests - such as types of books, movies, etc. so I try to take time for myself to do things I enjoy. She feels lonely and unconnected if we aren't spending a lot of time together. We lost a lot of connection as she started an extra job and only wants to talk about work - which I don't mind for a bit, but it's difficult to only talk about that.

I haven't told anyone about the Affair, except my counselor. I've 2 sessions with her. My wife has one friend that was aware of it (but didn't know the extent of it). My wife and I have been talking about what happened and supporting each other through it. Currently she wants to stay with me and work on the relationship. We talked over a lot of the things that have been bothering me and she thinks I'm misunderstanding her. She tells me she does regret the affair, but can't change that it happened. She continues to report no contact from the other guy since she told him she needed to end things.

I thought about telling the spouse of the other guy because I think she should know... and a part of me also wants to stir pain up for him. His wife and he have children as well and I don't know any of them at all. I'm not worried about my wife and him being drawn together if I were to tell the spouse - as this would tell me that she is not choosing me. However, a part of me knows telling would stir up a lot of turmoil and I think my wife would feel it was her fault for causing so much pain to everyone. So that is where I hesitate.

I ordered the Divorce Remedy book and am planning to read it. I think it may give me some perspective in figuring out what I want. I've also read through some articles on this site and will continue to do so.

I love my wife a lot and at the same time I feel so disrespected and betrayed that I don't know if I can forgive it. And I don't know if I want to be constantly having to 'keep an eye' on my wife. Things seem great now - but what happens 1, 2, 5 years from now? What if I put everything I have into making this relationship work and years from now she decides it's not going to work?

My wife has read the 5 languages of love and I read the articles. We talked about it in the past as a way to improve our relationship. We have gone through ups and downs and I always feel like I try my hardest to improve the relationship for her. When I don't hear problems - I tend to think things are better. I guess I thought we both shared the value of never cheating on each other - especially since I've told her I'd rather she ends our relationship instead of cheating.

[Dawgs]

love my wife a lot and at the same time I feel so disrespected and betrayed that I don't know if I can forgive it. And I don't know if I want to be constantly having to 'keep an eye' on my wife. Things seem great now - but what happens 1, 2, 5 years from now? What if I put everything I have into making this relationship work and years from now she decides it's not going to work?

An affair is the ultimate betrayal, period. If you are worried about what happens in the future, then you already know your answer.

[TxHubby]

She doesn't regret it because there's been no repercussions from it. When there are no repercussions there's a high likelihood they'll do it again.

[bigybiz]

Newguy:

I'm sorry that you are here and for you to disclose the intimate details of your W's affair,etc is very brave. That kind of courage is going to get you through this. I echo what many people here say.

Don't talk to friends and family about her A. Do get some IC as soon as you can. Even if it's not going to be a regular appt. Perhaps a clergy or some kind of local agency. Talking to a professional is so helpful. Even telling your story a few times to different counselors can really help.

I'd like to tell you my story. My W was having an EA. I suspected a PA. She denied it. I started snooping - bad idea. I got the evidence I needed - I deceived her to confess and tell me the entire story. That what was all bad.

The best thing I did for me was to confront the OM. He was 1000's of miles away so there was no real threat etc. I told him off etc. He dropped her like a stone and she was mad.

It did help me though. My standing up to the two of them and fighting for my MR etc - really made me feel like a man again. That set the tone for my building a new life. I'm 5 times the man I was when the BD happened. I've provided for my kids, improved my home, learned new skills, made new friends, etc. My W is still in her fog - but that's her business.

I'm not recommending it - I'm just sharing my story.

You are very brave - use that energy to build a new you.

We are with you.

P.S. After you are done with the MWD books - watch the LRT videos. I found them really helpful too.

[Accuray]

Newguy2,

First the good news, you *can* forgive your W and learn to trust her again. In order for that to happen, time has to pass for you to heal, you need to *know* that you're being the best husband you can be, and your W needs to commit to the marriage. If those things happen, you can feel good again, you can trust her again, and things can be even better than they were before. That's the good news.

The bad news is that you have a limited amount of control over getting there. That seems like a simple thing to say, but it's very hard for most people to really appreciate and internalize. As humans we like to believe in cause and effect, if we do A then we get B. Unfortunately, in relationships, things don't work that way, particularly when one of the partners isn't fully committed. You can do everything 100% perfectly and still have things not work out the way you want them to and that can be very frustrating. In order for you to find peace, you need to know that if it doesn't work, it's not because you failed. You can only own your half of the relationship, and what she chooses to do does not reflect on you.

You said that you struggle with feeling "not good enough" and she struggles with feeling unlovable. Everyone has issues like this to some degree, the only difference is how well we do in coping with it. On their own, these feelings tend to create bad behavior, and our strength of character is what allows us to balance and not act out.

So think about yourself, you struggle with feeling not good enough. To deal with that, I'm sure you've learned to cope and to self-soothe to some degree, and you probably also rely upon your W and your W's affirmations to feel good about yourself. Between those two things, what you do for yourself, and what you get from your relationship, you're able to make things work. You can get through your day, have good days and bad, etc.

For your wife, she also has some capacity to take care of herself, there are some things she relies upon your relationship for, but for the last two years, she's also had a third stream to help her feel good, or self-medicate -- her affair.

Now that the affair is gone, she has a void. You know that void is there and that's why you don't trust her.

To fill that void she has two choices: (1) she can "step up" her ability to self-soothe and feel good about herself on her own, while fully committing to your relationship to be able to get more from it than she has historically, or (2) she can find another affair partner to fill the void.

Unfortunately, the first path is a lot more work for her and a lot more difficult, the second path tends to be pretty easy for most people.

The thing is, the choice is on her. It's hers to make. All you can do is be the best person you can be. You are an attractive option if you have your stuff together. Even if you knock it out of the park, however, she can still fail to commit to the relationship and/or do the work to learn to self-soothe on her own. It's a very personal issue that she has to confront.

It sounds like your M has been missing some common ground where you have divergent interests and have had (at least from her perspective) a lack of emotional intimacy. Note that the emotional intimacy she found with her affair partner was rooted in fantasy and you should not expect to be able to replace that. Your life and relationship is "real world", an affair is not, so you cannot compare the two and you cannot provide the same feelings that an affair partner does.

The great news here is that she has been willing to end the affair and seems to be motivated to make things right. I agree with everyone here that a DB telephone coach would be a good move for you, with or without MC.

The challenge with MC is that often times they are not pro-marriage and often they don't do only marriage counseling, its only one thing that they do among a range of other types of therapy. The DB coaches are experts specifically in troubled marriages.

If you do MC, I strongly suggest that you meet with the counselor 1:1 before your first session with your W. Verify that you and the counselor are aligned in terms of your philosophies and what you want, and prep the counselor on how you want things to go.

If you don't do that and walk in blind, there's a decent chance you'll get blindsided and not like it.

Good luck to you!

Acc

[Newguy2]

So it's been 17 days since I found out and 4 days since starting this thread. I've read all the responses and thought about everything. I've been reading many of the recommended articles and I should be getting the Divorce Remedy book by the end of the week.

I feel much calmer about my situation. My wife and I have been continuing to work on things and settle into routines. Intimacy has been great and I have no regrets so far. I think she truly is remorseful and I don't think she has had any contact with the other guy. I've decided not to contact the other guy or his wife (at least at this point).

With all of that said - I find myself thinking more and more about leaving the relationship. I think it's because when I found out about the affair I felt so shocked and torn up - then I started to feel fear of losing her. Now that a lot of the raw emotions are gone I keep asking myself whether I want to be in the relationship or not. I know that I love her. I think I could learn to trust her again (with a lot of work). I don't think she would slip back into the affair or get into another affair.

I guess I'm hung up with her purposely searching out an affair... going on the AM website with the intent to have an affair. I think to myself that I've put a lot of work into our relationship and tried to be the 'ideal husband'. I've never cheated, never put myself in a situation to cheat and even turned down lapdances at strip clubs because I felt it was 'wrong of me'. I always considered her and her feelings with all my choices in life. I guess I think in my head that I've always been the one to work on changing and work on the relationship. I've made many changes over the years. And in the back of my mind I know that if the tables were reversed and I had been the one to have an affair... she would have left me.

Anyway, I think this is part of the normal response. I seem to be fluctuating back and forth each day (sometimes each hour) on whether I want the relationship to work or not. I think I need to give it more time. Read through the Divorce Remedy book. Continue with IC. Maybe get Couples Counseling started. At least give myself time to make a decision that I can commit to and feel comfortable with.

Thanks for all the responses... it is much appreciated.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[LiM]

Newguy,

You are WAY to early in the process to be making these kinds of decisions. I can tell you that these doubts will continue for some time. I'm now just over a year in to piecing and the doubts still come to me. Even daily. In the end, I know that I am hurt but time will help. I'm angry and resentful about what my W did but I think there is tremendous value in working to save my M. Am I 100% certain that this M will work? No. But I'm willing to give it the time to find out.

[Newguy2]

My wife and I spoke about everything last night. I told her how I still feel very torn up inside about what I want to do. I explained that part of me loves her and wants to work on improving our relationship and the other part of me feels so disrespected and hurt that I don't know if I want the relationship. She was surprised. I think that she felt like I was 'in the boat' with her and trying to work past this. I explained that I 'go back and forth' between what I want and I told her there is nothing she can do to help me. I told her I just need time to bring down the emotions some more so I can make a good decision for myself.

She told me she doesn't want to have sex anymore until I figure everything out - I agreed. Before we had sex the first time we talked about how she was scared it would hurt me (bring up a lot of emotions) and I told her I was scared it would hurt her (by having sex when I could still end the relationship). The thing is - we haven't had sex without being intoxicated. But I guess it doesn't matter now - I need to respect her and not pursue sex and figure out what I want.

We also talked about the affair. She said she regrets her decision to have one. I told her that I feel sexually inadequate - that she had to pursue intimacy outside of our relationship. She told me that our sex life has always been great - however, I told her 'you say that... but your actions speak different'. The fact that she purposely pursued a sexual relationship to have an affair. Took our sex toys and lingerie to be with the other guy. And she said 'you're right'. She told me she has not had contact with him but she misses him (I can understand this).

This is such a difficult process. I remember my wife and I having problems over the years in which she would express thoughts of separating and I would want to work on things. It would happen whenever we would have arguments to the point that I felt I could never express how I really feel because she would jump to 'separation' as the solution. But I told myself that if she did it again - I was going to agree and move things toward separation. It didn't happen again. Our relationship got better... I pushed myself to put more into the relationship, be more laid back and not put as many barriers up. After discovering the affair I would have thought I would have just ended it. So why haven't I?

[OwnIt]

Looks like a high stakes version of the pursuer distancer dance to me. Seems like you guys take turns threatening to leave the marriage.