I think he's not sure what he wants to do. Don't attach too much importance to him not talking during counseling. He is probably just feeling it out. He will probably open up more a few sessions into it.
He calls while you're out? Don't answer. Text him that you're busy and ask if it's an emergency.
He's not there to take the dogs to the beach with you? Take them yourself; leave a note letting him know which beach you went to.
It's hard. It's so easy for me to type this, and so hard for us both to put into action. I'm trying, and I hope you are too.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
SO its been a couple of days - and things have gone from bad to worse.
He has pretty much been staying at his friend "Ed's" house. He said he needed space. Its been a long weekend here so he said he would be home Saturday and spend the public holiday here so we could so some things around the house and with the dogs. I thought it would be nice.
I went out with a girlfriend Friday night - he called, I answered and it was very pleasant.
He came home lunch time Saturday. We sat in the garden, had a few beers, watched a movie then went off to our separate bedrooms.
Got up Sunday, chilled for a bit before taking the dogs to the beach - it was really nice. In the car on the way home, he asked what I wanted for dinner - I said I didn't know, could get take out, could go out...... he snapped at me to stop trying. I explained that I wasn't and that I was just making suggestions. We came home and bathed the dogs. Things seemed ok. He said he had to phone his mum.
He came back 15 minutes later and said he was going to stay with "Ed" every other day - this took me by surprise - how do you go from asking what someone wants for dinner to staying elsewhere. He showered, came outside and gave me a huge hug and said he was sorry before leaving.
I was distraught. A friend came over and we had a nice evening - she distracted me and got my mind off it. Late that evening the H texted to say he was sorry I was hurting, he just needs space and that he does care - even ended it with a kiss.
So its Monday morning. I thought I would go to the stables...... I got up and when I got to the end of the road i decided to to right instead of left. Lo and Behold there was his car parked outside another womans house.
I called him - I gave him the opportunity to be honest - I asked how his night at Ed's was - he said they had a quiet evening. I then told him I was in the car park.
I drove off. We met at our house later. He said he lied as he knew I would just overreact if he had told me where he was - Yes I very well may have, but now he has just made himself out to be a liar. All these other times he has stayed at Ed's how do I know he has been there and not at hers? He swears that I have the wrong end of the stick and that there is nothing going on, and that he stayed in the spare room - but how do I believe that??
Needless to say - he sat there and basically said that he's had the space he needs, he's made his mind up, our marriage is OVER.
He said he will still go to counseling to see if they can say anything that will change his mind, but he doubts it........ why go in the first place.
He's taken his stuff and gone back to her house. He says because its close by its convenient for him to help with the dogs and staying in the house is not good for either of us.
I hate to say it, I think I now agree with him - I don't think there is anyway to save our marriage - I think its done. What do I do??? I don't want to lose my husband, but deep down, I know I already have.
Island, I've been there. Mine had a 3 year hidden affair. I learned about it, back and forth, promises, yada yada yada. Then I kick him out. Within 1 month I caught him on dating sites behind her back. At the end of the 2nd month he moved out of her house. I think they had a couple of back and forths and then by the end of month 3 they were done for good. Mine is seriously messed up and has other issues going on so is still running from woman to woman. But, my point is that sneaking around and having affairs are very different from real life. Real life is where you left your dirty clothes, leaving dishes in the sink, paying bills, processing what you have done, feeling the shame from friends and family, etc. Sadly I think you need to listen to Jim. Work on you and wait (if you want) for the affair to run its course. Be the calm, cool, and collected woman at home. Eventually he'll be telling her she should be more like you. I know its hard, but as everyone says, it is a marathon. You may not believe it, but the more you work on you, the less you will care about him.
So he's come home from work. He's apologized for causing me pain, he says he hates seeing me so sad. He even asked for a hug. Am I supposed to say no??
He's said he's sorry he has to go back to work, but I know that will only be for an hour before he goes out with his mates. We talked - I know I shouldn't, but it's hard to keep my mouth shut. but it is not helping you or your cause. Do what helps, not what sets you back.
It's not attracting him back to try and guilt him or to be too needy.
Have you gotten the book?
When he said he's sorry that he's hurt me and made me sad, I said I understand but nothing has been done to stop the hurt. you're telling him to change how he feels b/c you are in pain. It does not work that way. You need to become a woman only a fool would leave. He may be a fool, but you cannot know that right now b/c you are pleading with him to return to a sad hurt woman, and that's not going to work.
Besides, there were a lot of things you admit were lacking in the m. No intimacy for a year is a long long time...
Do you recall why that was? What would HE say were problems in the m, if he were here? And do you agree?
What things would he complain of, that YOU want to work on? B/c that is your work now, not getting him back, but to become the best Island you can become.
(Which paradoxically increases the chances of getting him back).
Here is the "thing" to know. The WAS (walk away spouse) will NOT return to the marriage they left - - UNLESS
they believe the marriage can be better/different than before.
So YOU have to show (not with words) that it can be better/different than before
because you are changing.
How can you show him that you are more like the woman he fell in love with?
I told him it saddens me to see him so conflicted and confused. He then hugged me again. Did he SAY he was confused and conflicted?
He repeated that he hates that he hurt me and I said - regardless of if our marriage survives, this hurt will stay with me for a long time. Oh sweet Island, I wish I could take your pain off your shoulders for at least a night.
You have to realize that telling him you will hurt for a long time is the opposite of what he needs to hear. It's like saying "I will be sad (angry?) around you and NOT FUN or attractive for a really long time.
Island, does that Sound appealing??
Wouldn't it be better to believe that you can work things out, once you have the tools for it? Not slogging through for years, but that joy & passion can be a part of the m?
Island, sometimes we let fears and inertia bond us and hold us still. Can you tell us why you want this man as your forever partner?
Is a part of you clinging to him b/c of fear, and not wanting to be the rejected party, as opposed to feeling super connected and as if he's "the only one"? Because you sensed issues in the marriage.
They were not being addressed so his solution is to end the m.
I added that if it works out, then the positive would be that maybe it needed to happen in order for us to prioritize each other, if it doesn't work out, then it needed to happen to bring the chapter to a close. He then asked for another hug. I know I should keep my mouth closed, but my heart has so much it wants to say. say it with action, Not words. Your words are not attracting him back. Your words are not working. You cannot speak his emotions into change. The basic concept here is to do what works and NOT do what does not work.
It's very Hard, but its not complicated.
It's killing me to see him so dejected (in front of me anyway) don't focus at all on what you perceive his emotions to be. Focus on our concepts.
Did you get the book yet?
This site has a unique approach to marriage and you may find it counter intuitive but you need to read the book so you can apply what we are advising you to do.
If you resist what we tell you and don't read the book, I fear you'll resist growth and breakthroughs with your h.
You may have a chance to save this but you will have to change your approach. Please, for your sake. Let us help you.
No more "I know I should do X, BUT instead I'll do the opposite-" it's not helping you get closer to your goal.
Do what helps you get closer to the goal.
and I'm crushed that our marriage in his eyes is over. People change and so do their emotions. His emotions can return.
But At the moment, seeing you come to the table with sadness, desperation and needs, is NOT helping you. Find other places to vent and read the book.
There is hope, but a lot of this means you have to do what is hard. NOT complicated, but hard.
Back the heck off, Island. Take in what we are telling you, please.
I know I should probably not be available for the hugs, but I treasure them so much......
Defer todays hug for tomorrows recommitment. Back off, be busy, give him something to miss, be a little mysterious and read the book.
Know that you are going to be fine, (which is ultimately true), and that you are not alone. We are all rooting for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ouch. There's a lot of information on here about infidelity that you should read.
Get a life. He might come back once the affair runs it's course, but he might not. Work on becoming the best YOU that you can be.
This^^ may seem impossible but it's the only option. I mean, what else can you do other than (understandably) lay in the fetal position?
If you really think you want him back, despite all the problems, then you will need to present yourself as an appealing alternative to OW.
if you do not know whether you want this man back, or if you know you don't,
you need to become the best self you can be.
The GAL and the detachment are things we hammer here, b/c it works.
Honestly I don't know another way to ease this pain or grow from it, without GAL and detaching...
even when we are in a lot of pain. There are some podcasts and TED talks and such, that you can listen to in order to help with the immediate pain.
I found Marianne Williamson (on fear and anger and forgiveness) to be helpful, and "Joy Junkie" too. A lot of this depends on what type of self help talks resonate most with you.
Ultimately you will have to keep getting out, getting new topics, activities to occupy your mind, to get you out meeting up with people, new activities, studying, traveling,
so that regardless of what goes on with your h, you will heal, you will grow and you just might enter a relationship with someone new, who becomes a partner in a more rewarding marriage than you had.
And some couples do remarry their exes. I think it's about 10%. However you know pretty much how NOT to have that happen and it's by the pleading and crying.
So let's not do anymore of that...you can do this. You can get through this and come to the other side.
We are here for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I understand everything you have said. I doubt I will get the chance to defer any hugs etc as he left the home yesterday. He says he is not having an affair, just staying in her spare room as he needs space. He needs to be away from me, our house and everything we built together.
He said he lied to me because he knew I would overeact. I don't know what to believe anymore.
He said he didn't care if I believed him and followed that with telling me we're done, its over, Ive had space and time to think and we are finished.
I feel OK. I'm so saddened by this loss. I thought for a time we could work through things - I know I did lots of things wrong in trying to make things better, but it is now out of my hands.
Thank you - I know if anyone else was relaying the same story i know would be saying he is definitely having an affair, but yet he denies it!!! AND now he is living there - he says in her spare room. He tells me he needs space away from me, away from our home and away from everything we built...... WHY does he need space when has told me we are through, finished and OVER???? He also said he has not moved out, he's just giving him space for a bit - but can't tell me what his plans are, when he plans to come home or anything.
He called me this aft to tell me he has cancelled coming to the gym tonight as he didn't want me to feel awkward - I appreciated the sentiment, but unfortunately my mouth got the better of me and I quipped that it would be no more awkward or difficult than leaving the gym at the same time, going in the same direction but knowing he's going back to another womans house at the end of our road, but OF COURSE nothing is happening, he's just using the spare room.
It didn't go down well.
He apologized for being cold - he said thats how he deals with stress and emotions. I said I understood and i deal with it with a sharp tongue.
He called again saying that he wants to go to couples counseling next week..... WTH??? WHY???? Why would a man who has categorically told me we are finished, our marriage is done and OVER, WANT to go to a joint session?
I feel like its all a god damn game to him, but its not funny. I am angry one minute, sobbing the next. I need to find an even keel.
Venting on here seems to help and i truly appreciate the help and guidance.
I expect, just like you are angry one minute, sobbing the next, one minute he's sure it's over, the next he wants to go to counseling and see if your marriage can be salvaged. It's not a game; he is confused about what he wants.
My only advice is to give him reasons to WANT to come back to you. Luckily, they are the same things you will want if he doesn't come back.... a life of your own, confidence (even if you have to fake it), new hobbies, new friends........
Vent on here all you want.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
