Hello - I'm new here and needed to write about some of the things I've been dealing with - hope I'm not doing anything wrong.
My wife and I are in our mid-30s and have been married over 10 years - childhood friends and dated in High School. We have two young children. Our relationship has gone through its ups and downs, but we were always able to persevere. Sex life was great - 1-3 times per week. We spent time together everyday (not always quality time). And we have very few conflicts regarding friends and family. My wife had been telling me she felt I wasn't emotionally open to her - and I've had a hard time with this throughout my life - but I open up to her the most.
Anyway, two weeks ago I found out that she is having an affair. We just had sex and I noticed she left her phone in the kitchen and I had (over the past few weeks) a worry that she may have cheated on me so I looked on her phone. I then confronted her and she told me everything. What I didn't expect to find out - this affair had been going on for two years.
She told me that she had not felt emotionally connected to me (however, in my defense - she wasn't clear on how I could improve this). And two years ago I asked her if she had ever had an affair on me and she told me 'no'. She said she was hurt that I asked her and decided to sign up to the well known affair website (A.M.) and met this other guy. They talked for a while, met up and eventually had sex on multiple occasions. She told me about the sex - which ended up being acts that I thought were special/private between the two of us - something we shared only together. She brought sex toys/lingerie that I bought her and used it with him.
I was devastated - I still am. So much hurt, betrayal, disrespect, disgust - and at the same time I love her. I told her that we need to continue living our lives together - for the kids - until I can decide what to do. She has been open with me about all my questions. She went for STD testing (negative). She ended the relationship with the other man. She says she wants to be with me and loves me. One of my issues is - she told me she doesn't regret that she did it. She said that she hopes this will make our relationships stronger.
Currently - I've been trying to work on the relationship. We've had sex again and have been very touchy. I think we feel much more connected. However, when she isn't around - all I do is think about what happened and judge myself. How can I forgive her? How can I trust her? Should I be with someone that disrespected me like that? I think about how selfish and inconsiderate she was.
I keep telling myself - it's only been two weeks. I've talked with a counselor - but I have no other supports except her. I'm scared to tell people because 'what will they think of her? and me?' If I decide the relationship can't be saved - I have no problem telling everyone and know I'll have support. The other piece I'm struggling with - should the 'other man's' spouse be told? We've had a couple arguments about this as I think I should tell her - but my wife, of course, is worried about how it will effect him.
Feel free to comment or ask any questions - I think it was helpful to sort my thoughts and type this up.
Married: 11 Wife: 36 Me : 36 EA: Started 01/2014 PA: Started 06/2014 A discovered: 04/2017
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.I went ahead and moved your post to Newcomers so that more people will see it and be able to offer support.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Hi Newguy, Sorry you're here, but glad you found this place. Keep posting frequently and you'll get more input from other people. I'm short on time so I'll respond more to your sitch later, but just wanted to say welcome, and hang in there. There are some very wise, kind people here who will help you through this.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here but it is a good place to be when dealing with these kinds of issues. If your W is telling you she doesn't regret what she did, then she is VERY much still a WW and you should NOT consider the A over. I busted my W and kicked her out of the house but then started trying to R. I had suggested that we meet once a week to talk for an hour an on the very first meeting, she told me that she didn't know if she was sorry for what she did because she said it "gave her strength." WTF!?!?!?! Then the A started again and I didn't find out for another 2 months. If your W is not remorseful, the A is still going on or will start again. Do NOT trust anything she says so long as this is her attitude? Have you gone to MC? I'd be interested to know if she is willing to go and if so what is her behavior when she does. Do you have the book yet? You'e also got to spend some time working on your issues. Detach, 180 and GAL.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
You're being blamed for her bad behavior. The idea that she was so hurt that you didn't trust her that she threw your trust away is BS. Don't accept that.
We are planning to go to marriage counseling and she is setting it up. We are on a waitlist and there is not much available in our area. I think that she wants to work on our relationship. I think she is trying to be honest with me about how she feels and I know she is torn with letting the other relationship go. She initially told the other guy that I discovered everything and that they shouldn't have contact anymore by text - so I was able to view it. He contacted her a week later to 'check-in' and it was through her work phone, so I was very shook up by it. I thought they only method of comm. was through text, which I could monitor. She told me that she told him it was over and he agreed. Now I'm uncomfortable with her going anywhere without me because I can't trust her... where previously I had huge trust in her.
Our relationship is moving back to where it used to be. We're getting setup into our old routines. At the same time I think we are feeling much closure. When I'm with her I feel like everything is fine - when I'm away from her I get caught up in the hurt, anger, frustration and question why I'm staying with her. I think I need to make a decision on whether I want to stay in the marriage or leave it... I think I'm just afraid to make an emotional decision that it's best for me. And how much time should I give myself to make this decision? I guess when the strong emotions subside more.
I don't have any of Michelle's books yet - which one would be best to start? Divorce Remedy, Divorce Busting, Healing from Infidelity? I've already read through the book 'After the Affair'.
Married: 11 Wife: 36 Me : 36 EA: Started 01/2014 PA: Started 06/2014 A discovered: 04/2017
I join the others in welcoming you to our family of divorce busters. Most of the members here are what we call the left behind spouse, even if their significant other has not actually walked away. When I joined the board, I was the spouse who was seriously considering leaving my H. I was having an EA with another man. I had become someone my family did not know......and I did not recognize myself. I was caught up in a fantasy and reacting to harbored resentment and disrespect for my H.........and I know now that I was rebelling.
When I read Divorce Remedy, I felt it was written for those who wanted to save their M, and I wasn't at all sure that's what I wanted. However, there were people on this board who took the time to talk to me and pass along information that I needed. Ten years later, I am still in my MR. I owe a lot to the DB board, and I have tried to dedicate what I have learned through my own experience......and studying the subjects of wayward spouses, walk-away spouses, and a little on mid-life crisis.
Sticking with the DB board is one of the best sources of information and encouragement you can have. You will probably go through various stages of emotions as you do the hardest work of your life. You may be tempted to give up. I hope you won't. We are going to tell you how to do things that will seem completely opposite to what your feelings are dictating.
The more background information about your marriage, and maybe even share what kind of childhood you and wife experienced, helps to give us a better view.
For now, I encourage you to read the links Cadet has provided you in his post. Get a copy of Divorce Remedy to read. I understand that you are eager to have answers, and you will get them. These links and the book hold many answers there, so don't skim over it too quickly.
I will post again and give my advice from the viewpoint of what I have learned. For now, I suggest you not make any grand decisions until getting some DB skills under your belt. We are your support group. If you have one trustworthy friend who won't repeat your story to his wife, then you might consider talking to him as a way of venting........but if he tells his W, there's a big chance of rumors starting. I would refrain from discussing it with close family members at this time, b/c after the MR is reconciled.......family tends to have a harder time with forgiving the in-law that caused your pain. Know what I mean?
As for telling the OM's wife, there are mixed views about it. What do you wish to accomplish by informing the OM's wife? Are you hoping she will pull back the reigns on him, insuring the end of the affair? Sometimes, it works and sometime it throws the affair partners together. So, tell us if the OM has children and if he stands to lose a great deal of money if his W divorces him. Do you know the OM personally?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
And I applaud your ability to not simply "react". You're being thoughtful and self aware and not putting your ego or anger ahead of your children and marriage.
Your wife seems to have put her ego or some needs ahead of your family and you, and she certainly broke your trust. That is a given.
We can all pile on here about how wrong she is/was...but for now, I think it's about you reeling from a recent discovery that really really hurts.
If you can get some DB coaching, I would highly HIGHLY recommend it. Especially since your MC appointment is delayed. I found their advice to be very specifically aimed at my situation, with strategies. It certainly extended my m, and it has helped ME as a person, tremendously. Plus it helps to just come here and get constructive feedback.
Also, at some point your w will need IC as will you. Which you cannot force at this juncture. But this is NOT simply a "couple's problem". You are deeply wounded & hurt.
She is at best, utterly lacking self awareness & her moral compass is askew. She's not connecting her behavior with your pain.
( If she never does connect those, we can have another conversation).
There is a cultural shift these days about the whole AM website. Just look at its' goal.
Hang in there and if at all possible, get some IC for just you.
In addition to the questions Sandi has asked,
can you tell us if you have read the book "The Five Love Languages"?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am NOT a fan of exposing affairs of others or of exposing your w's.
(I really don't think it's a DB tenet, either).
There's a huge risk it'll backfire. Especially since your w does not YET believe she's really done wrong. You said something like She thinks it's made your m, stronger...as odd as that seems. So for you to take it upon yourself to tell OM's w, though you can claim it's the "righteous thing to do!",
dig deeper about whether you are really trying to help someone or mete out some punishment. I understand the rage. Dear God, I do.
But If reconciliation is your goal at the moment, I strongly believe exposure will not assist you.
See if you can Call a DB coach
(and no, I don't get a kickback for suggesting this!)
I just a Godsend for a DB coach, to whom I'm still grateful.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
