Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

Sky,
You are always the voice of reason. I need to post an update but please know that I appreciate your wisdom and constant kindness.

Today at work I was trying to stay focused with only two hours of sleep and slogging through my day. After lunch I was walking down the hall when I started having chest pain and then got very dizzy and passed out. This resulted in an ambulance ride to the hospital and now I am in telemetry. While in the ambulance I felt pressure and pain as well as jaw pain which was relieved with sublingual nitroglycerin. I was very frightened at the time thinking maybe I was having an MI.

My EKG is showing anomalies and they are having me monitored right now. WH showed up and was kind and gentle. He went out of his way to get me dinner and then made sure to hang a get-well banner my coworkers made for me. Before he left he gave an awkward side hug. Man, am I confused.

Physically I am tapped out and emotionally I am drained. I am letting go of the rope and if WH wants to leave, there's the door. I need to let go of the fantasy of an intact family to raise my children. In the end WH may not have the tools or the desire to make himself a better person. I need to turn inward and heal my body and my heart...both literally and figuratively. This man literally has broken my heart and still cannot mount the actions required to show remorse and help me heal. I need to accept that and come to the realization that I may walk the rest of my life journey alone. I never wanted this but I think it's time to stop fighting so hard. I've done every single thing possible to save this marriage and have paid my dues in life expectancy.

I am blessed though, the outpouring of love and kindness from my friends, my cousin and coworkers has been amazing. I have at least 5 people I could call this minute and they would come if I needed them. I am filled with gratitude and humbleness experiencing their compassion. I know no matter what WH does or says about "lack" of good qualities that I only have to look at how my friends surrounded me with their love to know it's not true. This has been an eye opening experience.

[leahsue]

OH SARA, PLEASE BE WELL!!! This update from you is upsetting. You are one of the strongest women I know, and I don't even have any idea what you look like on the outside, but on the inside, you are the real deal, and if I know that just from cyberspace, then your cousin, co-workers, and friends know that first hand. You hang in there, get well physically and emotionally, and for God's sake keep posting, so we can all breathe a little easier on your behalf. We love you and totally have your back. (And if this forum weren't so secretive/anonymous/ (which I know is a good thing, just sayin') any one or all of us (oh God, can you imagine the parking lot???) would be there to drive you home. I hope this brought a smile to your face. ((((( SARA ))))))

[ForGump]

You're in my thoughts

[PsySara]

Still in telemetry waiting to see the cardiologist. So far blood tests show no heart attack which is a HUGE relief. I think maybe the ectopic arrhythmias are the culprit. That is handled with cardiac ablation so not too invasive and does not require a lengthly recovery. I am still waiting to hear from cardio so we can see what's what and move forward.

My WH's cousin has been staying with us for a few weeks on vacation and knows what happened. She is a huge allie of the marriage and said she is appalled at WH's behavior. She confronted him last night about his actions this weekend and how he still appears to not give a crap about his wife. It erupted into an argument and she was texted me last night to not trust my WH's behavior in the hospital, that is likely not genuine. She said he basically blames me for everything and was behaving as if he was not taking my hospitalization seriously. He told my boss he would be at the hospital in 15 minutes but showed up over an hour later. His cousin informed me he was walking around the house sighing like he was put out. He took time to feed the cats, walking around the house doing all and sundry.

Last night she told him he was behaving in an atrocious manner and he babbled on about how he doesn't even like my company, doesn't really love me, no motivation to win me back, etc., He also said I argue too much and am verbally abusive with him. Hmmmm...that sounds a lot like projection. I am not sure what to do at this point. Part of me thinks I need to kick him out so I can be away from him. It is clear now that he does not care about my health or even my life. I definitely will not turn to him for support or help.

[PsySara]

The cardiology PA just came and said they may try to squeeze in my ablation tomorrow but they have to check the schedule. I have a lot of time no my hands right now so I will play catch up to you amazing folks.

Leahsue,
Your post brought a big smile to my face, the imagery you painted was touching and soothed my bruised heart. It's funny to feel so close to people who you've never "spoken" to or seen but I feel these bonds are real.

ForGump,
I have asked my WH in the past what he means by "falling" for me and he really struggles. He feels it should just happen, that there shouldn't be any real work but rather its about feelings not thought. The jaded part of myself feels he is describing limerence and has not real idea of deep, solid, true love. He seems stuck at the emotional level of a child when it comes to relationships.

Sotto,
I definitely need to go back to the drawing board and re-think my strategy. I have to let go of the rope and stop waiting on WH to catch up. This experience has been incredibly eye opening about how broken WH is and how I can't be the one to glue him back together. I need to accept that he may never reach out for the tools to fix his character disorder. I have to work harder on the relationships that deserve my focus and time. And I really need to try and be more mindful of the now with my children. My parenting is definitely not 100% since the start of this roller coaster. While the door hasn't thumped down it is definitely closing. Each day WH kills a little more of my love for him.

Sky,
I have tried the going dark/dim thing and when WH is more approachable he said he felt I was being mean and cold. I scheduled trips to my moms with the kids and he complained he felt I was purposely taking his time away with them. (I would stay at my moms until evening and he would be home for a few hours from work. He would become more cold and hostile to me in the house. In the past WH told me to hug him even if he said no, this was a disaster the first time I implemented it (WH acted as he were going to be violent) so I stopped doing that. When WH opens up (rarely) I get such contradictory ideas from him, he says he wants me to force love on him and later he says he wants to never be in my presence. He appears to not even know what he wants or thinks. I feel like I've DB my heart out and WH continues to keep our marriage in limbo. The few days/minutes I see his true self is overshadowed by the huge gaps of time he treats me awful. This can't be good for our kids to see. In the end I may have to be the one to drop the hammer and file. Living like this has cost a huge price in my mental and physical health.

[skyhigh]

Sara,

I just caught up with your situation, I am so sorry for you. I hope you can feel better soon. I am boiling of rage right now at what your WH said and did yesterday.
I do agree with WH's cousin about not trusting him.

He has to figure out what he wants, and right now he went back into full limbo. Don't let him take you back onto that destructive path. Free yourself from the power he has on you. You tried everything and beyond what you could do.

I agree with you that journey affects our parenting, my kids were deeply affected by it. It's not easy to be emotional available for them when we are so frustrated and such in pain. Since we are also the only sane parent, sometimes we are facing tough decisions to protect them. Only you know what's the best for you and your kids, and may be you need to be in a peaceful home without being surrounded by constant stressors to restore not only your emotional well being but also your body. We forget sometimes how powerful the mind is, and how it can affect the body. I was just listening to a podcast this morning about that subject while driving.

You are a great woman and the fact that you are surrounded by several friends willing to step in to help you in that difficult time shows how a loving person you are.

Take that time you have right now, to make a decision, sometimes God send us signs and we are too busy to see them.

One step at a time...

You are in my thoughts. I wish I could hug you in person. He doesn't know what he is missing but we know what he is missing.

[PsySara]

Thank you so much Skyhigh. I wish we could meet in real life so we could exchange uncensored ideas, lol!

So the hits sjust keep on coming. My cardiologist was very concerned by what he found on the EKG and even though he has no available appointments until June, he is cancelling a clinic day to do the ablation. He says he will have the interventional cardiologist there as well as he says there is a small risk they may need to placec a pacemaker. I almost crapped my pants when he said that.

Last night WH was friendly and chatty with both his cousin and myself. But by bedtime he was distant and aloof with me. I simply fell into bed exhausted so I could be rested for work today. I came into a huge census and a lot of mess I had to clean up from the doctrines who were covering my patients. In the meantime I have a chest CT scheduled tomorrow after work and then they made the appointment for the ablation for next Tuesday.

I texted WH the updates but didn't hear back until he was driving home. He told me he was working next Tuesday and wasn't sure he could get the day off. Are you sh*tting me?! HE said he had texted some other doctors but some of them couldn't switch. Why can't he simply tell his supervisor that he has to take off because his WIFE is getting a procedure done on her f*cking heart?! My cousin will be out of town on a business trip so I can't ask him. I am scared because my first semester of medical school my aunt underwent a cardiac cath, it was supposed to be an simple outpatient procedure. She died on the table.

Meanwhile WH is acting like ladeedah, no big deal. How did I pick this guy to be the father of my children? How could I have had such horrible judgement? I would give a kidney and a lung to turn back time and redo things. I looked up law in Florida and it's a 50/50 custody default state unless there is abuse or abandonment. So if I go for divorce I lose 50% of my children's childhoods. I feel hopeless and despondent. Forgive me my friends, I need to wallow ni a little self pity for now.

[PsySara]

Correction, ablation is next Thursday, not Tuesday.

[Coly23]

(((Sara))), I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted to tell you I am thinking of you keeping everything crossed for your procedure next Thursday.

Your H still seems to be doing a lot of flip flopping but more flipping than flopping at the moment. Steer well away. Right now you have to take care of you because you have small people who need their mama to be well.

Sending you lots of hugs.

[skyhigh]

So sorry for the ordeal you are going through right now. Please vent as much as you want, don't keep your frustration and anger inside, also it might help you to sort out a few things.

I totally understand your need to express your pain and sorrow.

Do you really think in case of a divorce, he would like to have 50% of custody and he can handle 3 kids on his own during a few days in a row without any help?

When he was talking about wanting a divorce, what was his position in regard of the children?