Moored

[Gordie]

HaWho,

You are awesome. Interesting what you said about his eyes over time. Was he angry all those years?

Re house guests, I don't know how you do it. Since this began, I have asked family and friends not I stay with us.

[job]

The shark eyes do tend to appear when they are in crisis. I always think of the shark eyes as their soul dies, i.e., the empathy chip becomes broken and the depression sets in and any feelings/emotions that they have for people get stuffed down in the deepest, darkest part of their soul. As they progress through the MLC, those shark eyes will eventually disappear and the sparkle and clear eyes will return. However, all of this is my own personal opinion.

[OwnIt]

I've seen the shark eyes turn on and off. When he is between women, no shark eyes and Mr. Friendly guy. New woman, shark eyes are back and won't look anyone in the eye or come in the house anymore. I definitely think it is tied to the empathy issue for that reason.

[HaWho]

Gordie- yes he was angry for a long time pre-BD. He was gaslighting me but I didn't recognize it. It all happened so gradually.

Here is my favorite gaslighting story from his angry phase of MLC. Now, of course, I recognize that he was picking fights. I think secretly he wanted me to throw him out so he could go live the MLC dream.

Anyway, one day he pitched a fit because we were out of pita bread! I remember trying to calm him down and explaining it was just pita bread. But he was literally spewing over this. It was so nuts.

My plan was to wait for him to calm down and then to play a practical joke on him. (I have always loved a good joke.) When the dust settled I was going to buy 50 packs of pita wraps and store them around the house for him: in his glove compartment, in his sock drawer, in his winter coat pocket. The idea was everywhere he turned pita wraps would drop out on him. The one place that had me dying of laughter was his medicine cabinet. I kept picturing him opening it up to grab his toothbrush while an avalanche of pita wraps knocked him to the floor.

The problem is he never calmed down. He just grew angrier and angrier. In hindsight, I realize he was looking under rocks for problems.

And as for the eyes, Job and Ownit, I definitely think this is something that should be studied. Some LBS here have even noted that their MLCers eyes changed color temporarily.

Some stuff is so weird, you can't even believe it's real. Today h texted me to say he was at a place with s13 and asked if he should bring something home for me. Within 10 minutes I answered and said yes, thanks.

H said it was too late; he was already gone?!? Mmm, okay. But h said he'd bring me home a cannoli. I said ok thanks, please bring one home for s11 too. (Seemed too obvious to state, but well, it is MLC and he can't see beyond his own nose.)

I come home and S13 immediately is telling me he never got a cannoli. I ask why when he was there with h. S13 said h went to get the cannolis but, get this: he only bought one for all three of us?!? So I said to S13, not to worry, I would share mine. S13 cryptically said nah, you can't, you'll see why.

I go to the fridge and the cannoli is the size of my pinky. One of those mini ones, 1 1/2 inches long for all three of us! I am just so flabbergasted.

H walks in and I joke that he should not have bought so much. (Old h would have bought too many, like 4 lg./person; MLC h brings home 1 Barbie sized cannoli for 3 people.) He looked sheepish and uncomfortable. I know teasing is not the way to go but, I would have called out my kids on this so I called him out, too.

Oh and s13 said there were plenty of cannolis because I did consider that maybe this was the last one and h fought off crowds for it.

Just bizarre...

[roist]

The MLC diet plan. Haha

[HaWho]

Yes Roist, must be!

So here is something interesting. This morning I went see if h answered me about something I sent him yesterday (kid related). And there is an email from him from last week that I did not see. I don't check that email address often.

It's a poem. He starts by saying it's a story of two people who slipped and bumped their heads. When they awoke they were far from their bodies. They sobbed and asked for another chance. No one answered so they began to walk and talk. Until in the fog (literally he writes it) they see a light. It comes closer and it's a huge tree.

It states their names, recounts their lives and scolds them both. They ask for a second chance, judgment was cast but in the end they receive a pass; to what we'll never know until our time comes.

He writes the road is quiet now; the travelers have come and gone. But they'll be more travelers forever, on and on. And he ends by saying journey well, make your words your bond and hope the answers are pleasing to what is beyond.

As I picked up the message today, I quickly wrote back that it's beautiful. Not sure what else to say. My response is late, unintentionally so.

I suppose it's a glimpse of where he is right now. But then he's also huffy because I teased him last night and he took it so seriously.

This weekend I felt abrasive. The music started up: 2 songs I have heard for years now. I vacuumed through it. But my body language showed my annoyance. Mostly I wanted to go in, turn over his mattress and tell him to get over himself already. By Sunday night, things felt tense. I am the adult and he is growing up in a room.

Saturday in the car he turned to me and made a joke. He has not turned toward me in he car in years. I forgot he'd stopped doing that until he did it again.

Later, I heard h tell s11 something. Then s11 came over really sad and told me if I didn't want to go to his game I could stay home?!? I asked him why I would do that. He said it was a lot of time in the car. (Twenty minutes one way.). I asked whose idea this was and he said his and his dad's. Then he fessed up that it was his dad's.

I waited until s11 was at his game. Then I asked h (really calmly and quietly) if he asked s11 to tell me not to come. And this is where he gets so PA. He says yes, very sheepish. He says he knows I had to work and wanted me to rest! Right!! I called him out. I quietly said he sent S11 to do his dirty work and he shouldn't do that. I asked him to tell the truth. He walked out of the car and started to walk away.

I politely asked him not to walk away. He turned and said I was making a scene, which I was not. Plus the parking lot was empty. This is his gaslighting. Anytime he is confronted, he says it's causing a scene. I told him he has not made eye contact with me in years. He said it is unpleasant to do so. I asked him to be direct and say what he felt. He told me I was abrasive this weekend (true) and he didn't want to drive with me. I touched his arm (he bristled in a mad way) and I thanked him for looking me in the eye, saying what he felt vs. texting or sending s11 to do his work for him.

Then I calmly walked away. I asked him a question later, during the game. He was huffy. But he got over it and later in the evening was not ignoring me the way he used to do.

[bttrfly]

Hi Ha, I don't know what to say. Is this improvement? He's been status quo for so long, it does seem like there's some movement, doesn't there? I defer to the vets, but want to send you {{{{{hugs}}}}} and support. I'm very proud of you for standing up for yourself and doing it with such quiet dignity. You didn't give him any wiggle room to turn it into something it wasn't.

xoxoxoxo

Good job!

[roist]

I wrote a long reply but lost it just before posting!! Anyway here is, he short version.

Did you ask H about the poem, what it meant to him or why he shared it with you? Maybe you should. You may not get any clarity. Probably won't.

Here is my reading of the situation. H deep down wants to reconnect with you. He may not know that and definetly doesn't know how to go about that. Maybe he doesn't believe he can reconnect with you. The problem is that half hearted sporadic gestes like this can never achieve that. He us setting himself up to fail and hence prove himself right.

I imagine it took him some effort and time to send that to yo. He probably hymed and hawed for a long time. Then he sends it and you ignore it for a full week. OK I know you didn't but to him he probably thinks that you did. He would have liked an immediate response and as time passed it probably bugged him, adding to your recent interactions.

I am nit saying to fall over backwards nor to make a big deal of this but IMO it is another but bigger attempt to let you know he would like to connect. 8 will admit I am reading a lot into it. But there has been a patternand he has reached out before.

Neither of you are in a place where reconnection is possible at the moment. Even so if you see and react well to all attempts to reach out to you, you could help drastically improve interactions.

I say this just to try look at things from another perspective and I admit it could just be some meaningless act of a madman.

I think you did well in your other interactions and you were right to call him on his behaviour using son. He may not like you having done so but his esteem of you will have increased despite his reaction.

What can you do to stop his music choice affecting you so much?

And yes that was the short version!!

[Gordie]

You have the patience of a saint. The cannoli, the poem, the game...wow.

[job]

I agree w/what roist posted. Your h, in his own half @ss way in trying to reconnect and he truly doesn't know how to go about it. He's tried various things and because of the way he's going about it, he's set himself up to fail. He's still in crisis and quite frankly, he's still trying to reach you through the eyes and manners of a teenager, not as an adult.

The poem is a step in the right direction. Because you didn't respond back for a while, he was disappointed again. He most likely didn't think that you might not be looking at that account. Had it typed it, printed it off and left it where you would find it, the response time would have been far quicker. He's still not thinking like an adult.

HaWho, you are far too close to your situation and you can't see what is going on. If you can step back just a wee bit, you'll see he has and continues to try to reconnect some of the time. Sometimes he does it in a negative way and then there are other times more positive...he just doesn't know what works just yet...

Maybe it's time to talk to him about the music situation. If you can do it in way that he doesn't take your comments in a negative way, he just might change it up. Sometimes, I think he plays that music to get your attention.

Bottom line, I see positives here. I can see where he's grown a wee bit and needs more encouragement and positive reinforcement on the things that he does do. I know, you thank him, etc., but encourage more of the poem writing, etc. That may be the only way that he can communicate w/you at the moment.

Just my two cents.