when I posted before I talked about my affair and what it had done to my marriage. I'm the last one who should be giving any advice because of the things that I have done. I wasn't truthful about the full extent of what I did and I need to come clean. Even before I met my wife I was addicted to Bondage pornography. I had been into it for a long time and watched it almost everyday. I hid this fact from my wife for our entire relationship. She knew what I was into and even participated in having bondage sex with me. She let me do things to her that were wrong for me to even ask, most times I didn't even ask I just did them. I hurt her in horrible ways and she was an unwilling participated in it because she loved me and she didn't want me to look outside the relationship. She didn't want those things but did it out of love for me. I would watch this disgusting porn literally everyday. It consumed my thoughts and I would even write stories about and send them to my wife consisting of things that I wanted to do to her. Kidnap and rape fantasies. She didn't deserve to be treated like that and I will forever regret it. The pain it caused her all because of me. I was not acting like a good person or a loving supportive husband. Even before I had met my wife I had a fetlife account that I had started. In 2014 I started looking on the fetlife site again. Biggest mistake of my life I can tell you that. I met a woman on there and we started to chat over email. I would send her disgusting stories that would depict woman being bound and gagged against their will and being forced to do all kinds of sexual acts. It was all disgusting and wrong and not only did I do these types of things to my wife but I was also sending stories and talking about these things to another woman that I actively went on the internet and tried to find. I have truly been a disgusting man. I abused my wife's trust and I abused her. I destroyed another human being when she found out (because I didn't confess to it) about my affair. I did this all behind my wife's back after she lost a part of her reproductive system while we were trying to have a child. I have been a disgusting liar for so long I didn't even know how horrible I was. It was just a part of who I was, leading a double life. I'm in no way proud of this and I don't blame my wife for leaving me for another man. I should have been strong and dealt with my issues instead of dragging a good person down to the disgusting depths that I was in. I will forever regret being that man because it has cost us the great life and marriage that we could have had. I've blamed her for pushing me to do things when it was totally MY CHOICE to do them. When I was confronted I acted callous and acted as if it was not a big deal. I made every single mistake you can make. I've tried to lie and hide my way through things and frankly she just got fed up with my BS and I don't blame her one bit. I'm disgusted in myself. I should have loved my wife and looked after her in all ways but I was too consumed with what I was feeling and what I wanted I was a selfish, disgusting man. I want nothing more than to kill that man off and be the best person I can be. It might be too late to save my marriage, I have hope but not much I can do about how my wife feels about me.I'm seeking therapy and trying to change myself for the better. I don't know how I can ever make it up to my wife but I know that I want to try. She deserves a man who lives an honest life and will treat her the way a good woman deserves to be treated, I know I can be that man and have a lot of work ahead of me. If she really wants to move on than I sincerely hope that she has nothing but happiness. I hurt her emotionally, physically and mentally and it changed the person that she is. The deterioration of our marriage is entirely my fault.? I have lied to everyone to try to protect myself and my deviant ways. I have lied to make it seem like I didn't do things as horrible as they really were. I find that I'm still lying to make it seem like I wasn't as disgusting as I am. I wrote this because I need to change and I need to first take responsibility. I am doing my best to change and hope that my wife does know that I am worth the risk. That I will be a different and better man and give her the life that she truly deserves. I've exaggerated some of the things that she has done and other things I've just flat out lied about. I've destroyed her trust and now whether I'm telling the truth or not she will not believe me. I don't blame her for that, If you do get a second chance take it very seriously and don't blow it. I was working on that and will NEVER make the mistakes that I have made.
well, I respect that you are being honest now. Its not easy. What you did was not right, and it sounds like you hurt her a lot. I hope she knows how you feel now and that you are getting treatment. Sounds like you did and do love her very much.And also she loved you enough to want to start a family. I hope you both can get back on track.That she can forgive what you have done, and forgive herself for what she has done. Sounds like it will take much time and work from the both of you. 2 wrongs do not make a right, not excusing her for her affair, but possibly she is dealing with a lot of issues, including the abuse.That i hope she is getting help for.Im sure she will be sad mad and resist reconciliation. But time can heal things.Together or not I hope you both can grow from this in a positive way. Miracles can happan Kyle1ca.