So Confused and Conflicted (6)

[WshIKnw]

The question is, at what point and price do you pay to soul/self worth/dignity/etc for all of this? Good grief, grow a spine and stop this. It's doing nothing but bringing you further down the rabbit hole of despair, which you reek of.

We have said over and over and over but yet you still keep doing the same thing. Either you are a troll or really need help on yourself, and if its the help, then seek it. But leave your "wife" alone. Period.

Am I the only one that finds Jeep's words harsh? I don't feel you are lifting me up, Jeep. I feel like you are putting me down. If you think I'm a troll or just disgustingly pitiful, then maybe it would be best if you gave your guidance to other people, that don't bug you so much.

[Dawgs]

Not harsh, but needed. There is no need for sunshine and false hope to be spread, but real life...because you certainly don't listen to the advice given.

Or would you rather your hand be held with false hope? Would you rather hear that "oh she may come back IF you do this" or "she is just in some crisis and will come back?" It seems you would rather hear false hope than the real thing. Whatever floats your boat, because what you are currently doing now certainly won't help with another - IF - relationship. Either fix yourself and change, or drive the same road.

[leahsue]

Wsh,
I agree, I don't think Jeep is trying to "lift you up"~ I think he's trying very hard to "wake you up". Sometimes Jeep leans a little more toward the reality check than the hand holding, but that's just him calling it like he sees it. I think if you will take a few minutes, and skim back through your threads and all the words and words of the very same advice from so many people on here, you will begin to see a pattern of- everyone saying the same things to you about how to get better, for you, because your wife is gone- but you spend way more time (it seems to me) trying to convince everyone on here that your situation is different and you are handling it a better way. I think you'll also find tons of people, myself included, who faithfully come back to you with encouragement to keep on trying, pull yourself together, etc., but you don't seem to be acting on any of that advice. I'm going to be really honest here- if I were trying to be apart from my spouse right now, and had asked for that loud and clear, and he texted me cheery little things every single day, I would block his number. I truly believe we all have the same goal-to help you grow and be stronger, for your sake, not to save your marriage, and to help you be able to look back one day and know you maintained your dignity and self-worth in the face of a horrible situation. Please, please hear us. I think you are damaging any chance you may have of ever getting her attention again (in a positive way, anyway) by the pushing you keep doing, but more than that, I think you are setting yourself up to stay stuck in a sad place, and you are the only one who can make that decision to stay there, or get up and become the man only a fool would leave. I say all this in sincere love and best wishes for you.

[WshIKnw]

I don't know how to change, Jeep. I've been this way my whole life. My mom said she never had to spank me. All she had to do was give me an angry look and I would straighten up. I was voted Most Timid in highschool, along with three other people in my grade. In highschool and college, I didn't venture outside much because I didn't think many people would like me, and none of the girls I was ever interested in ever seemed interested in me. And then all of a sudden, my last year of college, my wife came along and saved me from all that, just like a gift from God. She dated me for two and a half years before marrying me. She had plenty of opportunity to see the man that I was. I always thought she was with me because she was a strong, assertive girl, that wanted to wear the pants in the relationship, and because I was similar to her brother, and I always figured she wanted to do for me what she hoped some girl would someday do for him. She was a real blessing, but as the years went by, I forgot more and more what she had done for me, and I got slacker and slacker. With each passing year, I felt more and more secure in the relationship, which made me less and less motivated to try so hard. I wish I hadn't forgotten all that she did for me. And I wish I hadn't forgotten how important it was for me to ask her how happy she was in the relationship, because she would never tell me when she was unhappy. She would pretend to be happy ("fake it until you make it"). I have never understood why she wouldn't tell me her overall happiness level -- why I had to pull that out of her.

I'm sorry I'm not a tough guy like you, Jeep. I wish I were tough. If it were an easy thing to do, everyone would be doing it. Because who wants to be weak?

[Thornton]

Hey Wsh,

I understand you have some deeply engrained patterns stemming from your childhood. I do too.

It's not about being "tough" but facing the fears that have held you back. Have you considered seeing a therapist to sort some of those things out?

I'm actually gonna start seeing my therapist again tonight after work.

Please take some time to read up on codependancy. You (and I) have basically made our spouses our reason for being.

Your first assignment is to work on your self esteem. Who are you without your wife? If you don't know, thats a good place to start with your recovery.

You gotta be able to stand on your own 2 feet before your wife with respect you. And your wife needs to respect you before she can start loving you again.

I'm with you buddy, we can do this.

[Dawgs]

I don't know how to change, Jeep. I've been this way my whole life. My mom said she never had to spank me. All she had to do was give me an angry look and I would straighten up. I was voted Most Timid in highschool, along with three other people in my grade. In highschool and college, I didn't venture outside much because I didn't think many people would like me, and none of the girls I was ever interested in ever seemed interested in me. And then all of a sudden, my last year of college, my wife came along and saved me from all that, just like a gift from God. She dated me for two and a half years before marrying me. She had plenty of opportunity to see the man that I was. I always thought she was with me because she was a strong, assertive girl, that wanted to wear the pants in the relationship, and because I was similar to her brother, and I always figured she wanted to do for me what she hoped some girl would someday do for him. She was a real blessing, but as the years went by, I forgot more and more what she had done for me, and I got slacker and slacker. With each passing year, I felt more and more secure in the relationship, which made me less and less motivated to try so hard. I wish I hadn't forgotten all that she did for me. And I wish I hadn't forgotten how important it was for me to ask her how happy she was in the relationship, because she would never tell me when she was unhappy. She would pretend to be happy ("fake it until you make it"). I have never understood why she wouldn't tell me her overall happiness level -- why I had to pull that out of her.

I'm sorry I'm not a tough guy like you, Jeep. I wish I were tough. If it were an easy thing to do, everyone would be doing it. Because who wants to be weak?

There is no place like the right time. Stop relying on the past to guide your future. The sad thing is, your marriage and wife are no more. There is no going back. And the more that you send to her, the more - as leahsue said - it will piss her off and push her away. There is absolutely nothing you can do that will get her to come back. Some questions don't have answers - and if they do, they are the ones you don't want to hear. Just don't ever contact her again. Period.

So what if you were timid in high school. That was then. If you live in the past, then that defines your future. It's not about being strong or whatever, its about standing up for yourself and your own mental well being. You've said the same over and over and over. Time to stop that.

Change one small thing about you. And then another. And, you'll find that a lot of smalls add up to be a big. However, if you don't, you'll always be a basket case. It is what it is. Life isn't fair...and it damn sure isn't kind. Play the game or get ran over.

[doodler]

But remember, the first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club.

[WshIKnw]

Why the reference to Fight Club, doodler?

[doodler]

WshIknw,

I think the movie illustrates the metamorphosis from passively reacting to life's events to actively making changes (i.e. getting out of a rut), even if it's not always pretty. I'm not endorsing anarchy, but I think there are some interesting observations that can be made; particularly the scene in "Fight Club" where Durden asks a guy what's preventing him from achieving his goals.

[WshIKnw]

I have been very guilty of not being active enough in pursuing things in my life. It was one of the things that my wife complained about. She said I just let life happen to me. And my dad also tells me that I do that. But she might have never met me if I had been a more active player, because I might have already had a girl when she came along, or maybe my wife would have just waited for me to be single, before she would have contacted me. That's also possible.