Thank you Cristy - I have done ok today - I have managed not to call him - he did however call me. I answered; am I not supposed to? We chatted about general stuff - he was telling me about what had been going on at work. He didn't ask once how my day had been going so I didn't bring it up.
I called time on the call, just said I'd better be letting him go as I know he is busy. Left it at that.
Its so hard. I would love to call, but I live on an island in the caribbean - calls to US are so expensive; this is why i joined the forum as I just feel so alone and being able to put what i'm feeling out there and knowing i am not alone is some comfort.
I really am grateful for all the support and advice.
Thank you Cristy - I have done ok today - I have managed not to call him - he did however call me. I answered; am I not supposed to? We chatted about general stuff - he was telling me about what had been going on at work. He didn't ask once how my day had been going so I didn't bring it up.
I called time on the call, just said I'd better be letting him go as I know he is busy. Left it at that.
Its so hard. I would love to call, but I live on an island in the caribbean - calls to US are so expensive; this is why i joined the forum as I just feel so alone and being able to put what i'm feeling out there and knowing i am not alone is some comfort.
I really am grateful for all the support and advice.
Hi Island,
Good job by not calling him and ending the call he made before he did. One step at a time, right?
We work with many, many international clients. Hopefully there is an inexpensive option that would be helpful to you.
In the meantime, you are getting excellent advice from the generous folks here. Focus all of your time, effort and energy on being the best Island that only a fool would leave. These changes need to be made for you.
How about going for a walk on the beach before you head home after work? No need to rush right home, take some time to yourself. Keep your chin up and enjoy the sun and sea air.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
So - I had no sleep last night - twisted my knee at the gym.
The H called me 10 minutes before the gym class to say he had been called into a conference call. I said I was fine with that.
I came home from the gym - it was hard to concentrate - i wasn't there mentally, cooked myself dinner - still no H. He texted at 7 to say he was just wrapping up and would be home soon. He got in about 8.30. He followed me out when I took the dogs to the garden and chatted - just like old times; telling me that he needs to book a trip to the US in the next 2 weeks.
Its hard to hear, as I long to be part of his future, but I don't feature in it anymore. We booked a trip back to the UK back in November/December; supposed to be leaving at the end of the month - supposed to be spending a few days first in Miami for his birthday, but it looks like I will be heading off alone now. The thought makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach.
We sat up chatting - he bought up that one of the VP's had a bet with him as he believed another couple my H works with were having problems ; Seriously - your joking and betting on other peoples relationships when ours is in the toilet??? He said he had won, as they are fine, so the VP said he was glad he was wrong and owes him a drink. It really upset me for some reason.
I went to bed. Couldn't sleep - knee was hurting every time I moved and so much running through my head. In the morning, he came out and was chatting - I ended up saying that I thought his comments were inappropriate and insensitive; he apologized. It got quite deep - not what I wanted at the start of my day. He said he wants to go to counselling to see if this can work - they don't have a magic wand - he has to make an effort too! I said yesterday, when he called, and for most of the evening all he did was talk about HIS life, HIS day & his plans..... not once did he ask about me. He again apologized for what its worth.
I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I want to wake up and have my husband back. I feel sick when I think about things - how did we get here - is there any road back?
Just venting to stop be breaking down in the middle of the office.
Soooo I may have just gone a little psycho on the phone to the H. So he called me again at 530 to cancel the gym - told me he had a meeting. I decided I was going to go out with some friends. So I leave the house 645 - he calls randomly to tell me his meeting hasn't started yet and he was just going to it.
I thought it was weird but carried on with my night. I asked if he could feed the dogs when his meeting was over as it was a bit early for me to do and he said yes. I came home just gone 10 and Lo and behold he wasn't home. I called. No answer. I texted - he read it. So I called no answer. Eventually he called me back. Then I lost it.
I was livid. I couldn't help it - he is just so selfish. This isn't the man I married. He told me where he was, I asked would he be there if I drove up...... he told me that would piss him off - really, like I care right now.
He has turned me into an untrusting, paranoid person - this is not who I am. I hate what I am becoming, I hate this situation. Where did it all go wrong. So lost right now.
Can I suggest next time he is talking animatedly about his day at work, you say "I'd like to talk about this later, but I'm meeting Jane for a drink", and then go meet Jane for a drink.
Disengage, make him realize you aren't sitting around waiting for him to tell you about his day. Get a life of your own. You don't need to run away, you need to walk toward your own life.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Thank you Jim. I will; although I'm not sure I will have the opportunity. I'm validating this behavior by being so paranoid and I know this - He was the first person I trusted after being single for 5 years - I have never had a reason to not trust him until now and he is just so different.
He said this morning that he is going to probably stay at a friends house. I'm terrified that the distance will only make it worse; how much worse it can get I don't know.... but part of me thinks it will be easier for me too as I won't be sitting up waiting on him coming in, if he comes home at all. Its the unknown that scares me.
He told me he deals with things his own way, which can mean shutting down. I said that he had never not shared anything with me before and he shouted that we have never been through anything like this before. I do not know what I have done......
I will try and take your advice; i know logically it makes sense, but its hard as I am so proud of him and genuinely care about how his day is.
So my H called me a couple of times today - I took the day off work as i hadn't slept and I can't remember the last time i ate. Its been great for weight loss.
I had the day to myself - tidying the house, brushing and playing with the dogs - it was nice.
On both calls he told me he does care and he hates to be hurting me........ what do i say to that? The fact is he is hurting me and doing nothing to stop it.
He also told me that he was going to stay at a friends house - he added he wasn't moving out, just wanted space. I told him I would prefer he stayed in the spare room as I don't like being in the house alone, but it fell on deaf ears. How can someone care and not want to hurt you, but leave you in an empty home knowing you're scared?
I have managed to hold it together for most of the day - it's only now as the late afternoon draws on and I know he will be coming to pick up his stuff that I have found my self sobbing. I'm going to go and take the dogs for a walk.....
We have our first counseling session tomorrow - I have never been to counseling - anyone have any information on what I can expect?
I suppose it depends on the counselor. Some will ask about your childhoods, some will ask what's going between the two of you. The first session seems kind of like a "get to know you" period.
Don't expect to walk out of there with everything suddenly ok between you and H.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
So we had out first session of counseling. He wanted to pick me up which was fine.
We got there and he was quite chatty but when we went in, it was like sitting with a stranger. I tried to own the problems I can work on without pointing the finger. He bought up that I nag him - which I do.
He also bought up that I speak to him poorly. I asked why he had never mentioned any of this to me- he said he didn't know. I know over the years I have become snappy - I'm just so accustomed to having to ask the same stuff over and over again that I suppose I have stopped asking and just bark. I apologized and said I would work on it.
I blubbed pretty much the whole way through - he sat there cold and never once offered anything that he would like to work on. When asked he said whether he wants the relationship or not. It was so hard to hear.
When we left he was a different person - he grabbed my hand. AGAIN apologized for hurting me and saying he hated seeing me upset. He told me that I need to know he loves me, but he just needs some space.
He came home after the gym and said he was going to stay at a friends house. I said OK and said that I was going out to meet some friends. I asked if he would be staying at his friends for more than a couple of days to which he said yes.
About 30 minutes later he told me that he hadn't decided if he was staying at his friends for more than one night - he didn't know what he wanted to do.
He left and then I went out. About an hour into my night, my phone rings - its him. I was so torn as to whether I should ignore it like he does when i call him, but then what if something bad had happened - so i answered it. Our car had been broken into, his wallet stolen. I asked if there was anything I could do, he said no - and in the back of my head i'm wondering why he is calling me.
I had a fun night and honestly its probably the best nights sleep i've had since he told me it was over - think the beers may have helped.
I've woken up this morning - he had said we could take the dogs to the beach, but he's not home........ i;ve gone from feeling quite strong last night, to that sick feeling in my stomach again. I just don't know how we can find out way back, and if not back, forward to a new beginning.........
Your best bet is to continue to GAL. I know its hard not to obsess about what every phone call, text, smile etc means. None of it makes any sense.
Try being a little more unavailable to H. Not in a cold way, but in way that indicates you are starting to become happy with your life again (Act as if).
