Wsh, sorry to hear you aren't doing so good. There is no "light switch" that you can turn off and have these feelings go away. The only thing you can do is learn to deal with them in a positive way. Believe me, I have been there, but it does get better!
Mine left me with nothing, changed her feelings for me in such a short time, and even found herself a new man. These things were terribly hard for me to deal with so I know how hard it is. The best thing for me was to GAL and keep busy. Anytime I started reflecting on my M, and missing my W, I replaced those thoughts and found something to preoccupy my mind.
GAL does not necessarily mean to physically go out all the time. Sometimes, for me, it just meant occupying my mind when feeling depressed. For example, I would find chores around the house that I kept putting off. I would crank some music and finally clean out a closet or something. Anything that would draw my attention away from my feelings for my W.
Believe me Wsh, it s****.... It is really painful to know that the faithful one in a relationship is left picking up the pieces and healing, while the other has already moved onto a new relationship. Just know that you are not alone my friend.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
I was extremely inexperienced. The longest relationship I had before my wife was just a few weeks. Didn't seem to matter one bit to her that I hadn't had prior experiences to teach me about women. It's amazing that I held onto her as long as I did, given how little experience I had. I feel like I'm being punished for not being born knowing how to be a good man to a woman, and the punishment doesn't seem to fit the crime at all. But my wife would never tell me just how unhappy she was in the marriage. She told me post-BD that she "was ready to divorce" my "a$$" when we went to a Marriage Encounter Weekend in the spring of 2015. But why didn't she tell me that then? I needed​ to know exactly how unhappy she was. It would have helped me see how much change was needed. Just as "I'm not sure I want to be with you anymore" woke me up, and made me jump to action to try to save our marriage, "I'm considering divorcing you" would have jump-started me just the same, then. But for some reason, at the time, she just told me that she wanted to go to that because it would help our marriage -- help us to communicate better. She made no indication that our marriage was in danger. I asked her why she didn't tell me just how unhappy she was, and she said it was because I would make her feel guilty for being unhappy. Seems like a bit of an unbelievable reason. Maybe she made herself feel guilty because she knew it hurt me to hear that she was unhappy. Who knows? Maybe she had wanted to leave me for years, but loved me too much and knew how much it would hurt me, and so she didn't leave. I'm just pondering.
Thank you all for your support. It means a lot.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Is it possible that she's not being entirely truthful with you?
About anything in particular?
Since bomb drop, no doubt. I'm am quite sure she left me for other man, but she has lied left and right about him. Now it's to the point where she won't even deny it. She just won't talk to me at all, unless she wants something. I asked her why she wasn't talking to me at all, and she said that her lawyer advised her not to.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Wsh....this is in your sig: Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Given what you currently know, please take the steps to help you grow. You have history with your W where you can look back to identify areas that can be improved for YOU. You have the resources here to explore other relationship skills and learn from experiences from others.
So where you might have had reasons for not being prepared with coming into your M/R, that no longer is a crutch to lean on. We all have to begin our journey somewhere. Let your pain yield tremendous growth. Be the author of your book. The captain of your ship.
The only way to the other side of this he!!, is through it. There are no shortcuts.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Your W fell in love with you and chose to marry you. You did not force her to, beg her to, or bribe her. She fell in love with you so make her fall in love with you again. IMPO, the best way you can do that is let her go my friend. Become a man of confidence and someone that stands on their own 2 feet.
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She just won't talk to me at all, unless she wants something. I asked her why she wasn't talking to me at all, and she said that her lawyer advised her not to.
Sounds to me that you have said everything that needed to be said so if she doesn't want to talk to you then stop contacting her.
Just out of curiosity, why would you be trying to win her back if she isn't even denying OM at this point?
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Nothing, nothing you did caused her to do anything. She made her own choices.
The sense is in your handle, honey even if you had known it likely would have made no difference at all.
None of this is your fault, your WW chose to go wayward, chose to gaslight and mislead you.
There is nothing wrong with you, nothing at all. There are lots of lovely sensitive shy men on this board who love their W and family.
Men who have learned to love and grow into amazing husbands boyfriends and fathers. I am going to recommend to you that you read about some of them, in Surviving is an amazing father of 5 adopted boys whose mother went truly wayward and still is. J5k, read his story and there is a man who blamed himself for every little thing.
There are special men too like Fogg and Old Dog. Gentle kind and very loving men. I count you as one who is deeply hurt and afraid of being alone. That's ok. You might want to find SH story too.
So I am going to tell you over and over, who you are and how you feel is completely totally and utterly ok.
And you will get through this.
Truly
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Sounds to me that you have said everything that needed to be said so if she doesn't want to talk to you then stop contacting her.
Just out of curiosity, why would you be trying to win her back if she isn't even denying OM at this point?
Because I love the f***ing sh** out of her, and there are things that I just crave saying to her -- things that maybe weren't made clear in the past, things that hadn't been said yet, things that I just crave reiterating. It also doesn't seem to matter what I do. So, at this point, I just am kind of doing what feels good. I do censor myself some. Some things sound whiny to me. So, I don't send them. I started around her birthday, a couple weeks ago, sending her texts about every day. I never get a response, and never expect one. I did plenty of no contact before that. That seemed to be doing more harm than good, helping her forget me. My step mom said that if she dumped a guy and he made no contact, she'd think he didn't care, and she would just keep going. Maybe she doesn't really know what she truly would do. Maybe no contact would pull her back. But when they leave for someone else, it doesn't seem that no contact is going to pull them back. They have no reason to go back, if they have a person out there to grab hold of, most likely. See, my wife complained throughout our relationship, mostly in the later years, about not getting enough of my attention, and not doing enough things with me. So, I don't know; it seems bad to do no contact with someone that craved your attention, and left because they weren't getting enough of it. I just try this and that, looking for results. That's what I've been doing the whole time, since she dropped the bomb. The only results I ever appeared to get were from giving her attention. I never seemed to get good results from no contact. I only seemed to get more distance. It had to be the right attention, though. Attention that made her mad was the worst thing in the world, because she feeds off of anger, to do the very difficult and terrible things she has done.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Sounds to me that you have said everything that needed to be said so if she doesn't want to talk to you then stop contacting her.
Just out of curiosity, why would you be trying to win her back if she isn't even denying OM at this point?
Because I love the f***ing sh** out of her, and there are things that I just crave saying to her -- things that maybe weren't made clear in the past, things that hadn't been said yet, things that I just crave reiterating. It also doesn't seem to matter what I do. So, at this point, I just am kind of doing what feels good. I do censor myself some. Some things sound whiny to me. So, I don't send them. I started around her birthday, a couple weeks ago, sending her texts about every day. I never get a response, and never expect one. I did plenty of no contact before that. That seemed to be doing more harm than good, helping her forget me. My step mom said that if she dumped a guy and he made no contact, she'd think he didn't care, and she would just keep going. Maybe she doesn't really know what she truly would do. Maybe no contact would pull her back. But when they leave for someone else, it doesn't seem that no contact is going to pull them back. They have no reason to go back, if they have a person out there to grab hold of, most likely. See, my wife complained throughout our relationship, mostly in the later years, about not getting enough of my attention, and not doing enough things with me. So, I don't know; it seems bad to do no contact with someone that craved your attention, and left because they weren't getting enough of it. I just try this and that, looking for results. That's what I've been doing the whole time, since she dropped the bomb. The only results I ever appeared to get were from giving her attention. I never seemed to get good results from no contact. I only seemed to get more distance. It had to be the right attention, though. Attention that made her mad was the worst thing in the world, because she feeds off of anger, to do the very difficult and terrible things she has done.
So, she is still sleeping with the OM and yet you still keep pushing and pushing and pushing. Why? This "I love the f***ing sh** out of her" reason is, well, ridiculous. Look, she DOES NOT LOVE YOU and SHE DOES NOT CARE FOR YOU. When are you going to let that sink in?
The question is, at what point and price do you pay to soul/self worth/dignity/etc for all of this? Good grief, grow a spine and stop this. It's doing nothing but bringing you further down the rabbit hole of despair, which you reek of.
We have said over and over and over but yet you still keep doing the same thing. Either you are a troll or really need help on yourself, and if its the help, then seek it. But leave your "wife" alone. Period.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Read this. Let it sink in. These are your words and they are dead on. Right now, it doesnt matter what you do.
So stop doing things for/to her. As I said to 180Man, if you are sinking in quicksand, whats the best thing to do? It's to stop and relax. Go slowly and deliberately. Too much activity and youll sink. Right now, you are sinking.
Now, more than ever is the time to leave her alone and become NowIKnw.
Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
So, at this point, I just am kind of doing what feels good./
You know what feels good? Eating 17 cookies. That feels good for a few minutes. And then it hurts and I have regret. How about drinking tons of teuila? Feels good for a bit....then, it feels really not good. Stop going by what feels good - it's likely just numbing your pain. Get to the root of the issue and resolve it.
Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
That seemed to be doing more harm than good, helping her forget me.
Do you think texting your W daily is doing harm or good?
Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
My step mom said that if she dumped a guy and he made no contact, she'd think he didn't care, and she would just keep going. Maybe she doesn't really know what she truly would do.
Yeah, I think not. I always said I would drop a SO if I found out they were cheating on me. Then they did, and I realized that it wasnt a dealbreaker for me. Im guessing your step mom has never been in this position...
Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
But when they leave for someone else, it doesn't seem that no contact is going to pull them back. They have no reason to go back, if they have a person out there to grab hold of, most likely.
They. Will. Never. Go. Back. To. The. Same. Relationship.
If she is going to come back, it has to be different.
YOU have to be different.
So far, all I can see is your words say you are 'awakened'. But where are the actions to back that up? If I cant see them, Im sure she wouldnt be able to see them.
