Yeah. I met with IC a week before last. Cancelled last week's meeting because of a schedule conflict and because I had recently been sick. I am scheduled to see her again this week, and will hopefully see her uninterrupted for weeks to come. I am also seeing a volunteer from my church for an hour each week. He just hangs out with me and talks to me. I see my parents and talk to them a lot. I have made one friend but I think he's very busy, because we don't talk a whole lot. I need to find clubs or support groups to go to. I've looked some but need to look more. I have queried about flight school through a form on their website, and will hopefully receive a response some time tomorrow. If I don't, I will call them.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Depression is setting in. I feel like I'm turning back into the same person I was before my wife met me and saved me. I wish I hadn't forgotten how miserable and lonely that I was before she came along. I feel like I'm withdrawing and giving up, which is what I did before. I would just stay at home, and sleep my life away. I didn't try much to have friends because I didn't think anyone wanted to be friends with me. I didn't try much to get girls because I didn't think that any of the ones I wanted would want me. My wife just came along one day out of the blue and saved me from that life, and now she's tossed me back to it, because I got slack and forgot how important she was to me. I'm the biggest idiot in the world.
Never, ever forget that YOU are the only one with the power to make you the person you want to be. Your family, your friends, and other people can help lift you up, but in the end, you're the one that has to stand.
Please note that I'm not making light of depression or any mental illness, because the truth is they are very real, and they absolutely need to be treated with therapy and/or medication as appropriate. If the world feels like it's too much, seek out some counseling for yourself. It can and will do wonders for you.
I am glad you are talking things through. Sometimes friends are there just to do little bits of nothing or scraps of something. Friends who just walk with us, go for coffee, are at a book club. Nothing less than simple.
Every interaction need not be deep and meaningful, it can be wonderfully superficial fluff.
And that is ok.
Its going to hurt a lot, this year it's you, last year another, the year before me. Just be you and breathe.
Let me let you into another secret, there were days on end I sat and stared at the sea in pain and hopelessness. I did not want to be any more, just gone, the pain over. To be invisible.
My business disintegrated around me, then I got up dressed to the shoes and sat and watched the sea from a cafe. Then I walked and walked in the rain, mist and dark. Just walked. I joined a walking group for several days. Just to get out, talking monosyllabically. Gradually shift.
I dislike walking and the fresh air. I am as pale as moonlight and the sun burns me. It was good it was winter.
Then I dedicated myself to GAL, I turned everything to GAL I could. From the gym and coffee with staff to conversation with neighbours. I even created GAL points. Now it's second nature, my world is GAL. 98% is superficial nonsense, and it's still GAL.
Let me tell you about clothes cognition, dressing every day in a costume for the roles you play. Your costume (dressing to the shoes) makes you active to GAL. So whatever you need to get that pilot experience, white shirt, blazer, slacks or ex. So want to feel down. Dress as I did in dirty sleap attire plopped on a sofa. Instead active clothes and trainers for that walk, with warm coat and scarf. Eventually business clothes and shoes for the turn around.
Simple stuff creates a virtuous cycle.
I am very pleased to hear that you have IC and supportive church and family. A smile hasn't hurt me either.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
And a smile hasn't hurt me either, I truly didn't want to smile. I wanted to be miserable,I wanted the world to know I was miserable. There was one flaw, I never went anywhere so that was a waste. Instead, I faked a smile and I watched serious Ted Talks. Read about abuse and studied my pain. Intense and struggling. So even a fake smile helped.
It will change gradually and inevitably. Even if you think that you do everything wrong like me. Because whatever you do is ok and part of healing as it is your path. This is part of your progress and it's ok.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
She left me with just about nothing, V. She was all the friendship and love that I felt like I needed. She left with her replacement man. She made sure she had what she needed. But has shown almost zero concern for how I'm doing. She has made herself hate me so much, I think, that she doesn't care about me. It's crazy, because I had a text message in October of her wondering where I was one night when I forgot to call her, while I was at work, before it was past her bedtime. It's amazing how she could just flip a switch, and go from caring about me so much, to caring absolutely nothing about me, and making no contact with me. I had no idea she was capable of such a fast transformation. If I could redo 2016, I would do so many things differently. I had no idea I was in danger of losing her.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I have only read the past few posts and it really has struck me about how your W came in and saved you and was all you felt you needed.
There is one person that can save us, and that is ourselves. We cannot put that power into someone else's hands.
I agree with Kaizen, you need to try to find a way to get back to yourself. Find yourself. Save yourself. Start small. Find one thing to do for yourself you would enjoy.
Wsh - I am very familiar with how you are feeling.
I am a codependant and basically let my relationship define me and who I am. When WAW left me, I lost my best friend, confidant, and lover all at the same time.
I feel for you man. Please, make yourself get out of the house to begin taking steps to heal. The ball is in your court. One step at a time.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
