I forgot to add - he came to give me a hug earlier, and our eyes locked. I looked..... searched for something in his eyes....... whilst mine were welling up with tears, there was nothing in his....... they were cold, emotionless; could it be that there really is nothing there anymore?? Could it really be done and I am trying to hold on to something that just isn't there???
Island, the beginning is tough. The eyes are shark eyes. I saw where Job said this is the loss of empathy. They can come back to life. Try not to fixate on that.
Leave him alone. Don't text or call. Let him initiate. Do your thing. You can do this, you really can. It does get easier day by day. The more you find you, the less you will miss him, and in turn the more attractive you will be to him. When everything else is out of your control, work on the things you can.
So I went to the party. I wore a dress I've not fitted in for 5 years and felt a million dollars. Everyone, including my H said I looked fabulous which was nice.
He showed up very late as he said he had a work thing.
Once we got home he said he needed to go for a walk. He's not come home. Why is he being so cruel?? I'm thinking of filing myself now. Why am I fighting so hard to stay when he's doing nothing to keep me?
It appears your H does not desire to be home alone with you. It could be due to a number of reasons, however, there is only one thing you can do about it. Look at the woman you have become and what you can do to change. As you start to take inventory, ask yourself questions, such as the following:
What did he see when he would go home? How much did you complain to him? How much did you criticize? How clingy and pocessive are you? How much fun is it to live with you? Did you work opposite shifts from him? Who did most of the work at home?
He is not going to suddenly change his mind and want to stay in the marriage. The sooner you stop wringing your hands and focus on filling your life and give him space, the sooner the MR has a chance to be saved. If you are initiating calls, texting, email, etc.............stop it. If he contacts you, then be sweet and don't complain or ask him if he's coming home or when. It makes him feel like you are smothering him. For whatever reason........he is wanting some freedom from his wife.
Back up to the reason for having a lack or intimacy. Why has that stopped? Whenever the intimacy stops, it won't be long till the MR is facing a fragile time. I am not saying for you to start trying to seduce him as a way of getting him to stay home. I am saying that the problem in the bedroom could be at the bottom of what's going on now.
Again I want to stress the point that he is not going to succumb to emotional pressure from you. You are wanting reassurance (right this minute) that the M is okay, but it won't likely work that way. So for now, focus on yourself instead of what he's doing.
I noticed throughout your posting, you would admit you knew not to do x, y, & z........and then you would add a "but" you couldn't help it, etc. I beg to differ. You can help it, and you must. Having the head knowledge does you no good if you won't act upon it.
Last words for today is.........don't guilt him. Do your crying in private. Don't give him the silent treatment or cold shoulder. Don't throw yourself at his feet and plead with him. Don't ask for affection. Show class, poise, grace, and self-respect. Stop asking him questions and stop talking about the relationship!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you. I know what you are saying - it's just so difficult.
When we got home, I'm not sure how it started - we had both been drinking at the party. I told him I hated him. I know it was wrong; I'm just so hurt and it was the drink and the hurt talking. That's why he said he went for a walk. He said he stayed at a hotel. Not sure if I believe him.
He said he'd understand if I hated him - I told him I don't. He said he understood that I am hurt and angry.
He chatted the whole afternoon about his work -asking my thoughts and it was so nice. Just chatting normally. I took myself of to bed and he came a gave me a hug before going to the spare room.
I know I have to give him space and I am going to, it's just since moving here - I moved here and gave up so much to come with him- my world has been his.
Again thank you for your words and for all the support.
So I have come to work. I feel empty. He was chatting away about all the exciting things he has coming up, asking for advice etc and it's killing me that I am not part of that.
I went to leave for work and he came to me for a hug. I didn't initiate. He gave me a kiss on the cheek. I am clinging to these moments.
I have made a promise to myself to not call him today as I normally would - just because and he would call me just because; I'm going to try and busy myself at work to take my mind off it. I will probably see him at the gym later.
I have to ask - I know he needs space, but what if he enjoys the space, what if it just takes him further away? We have a counselling session on Thurs - I know they don't have a magic wand, but it must mean something that he is willing to come?.....
I don't know if it's good or bad, but everyone seems to be avoiding the elephant in the room. I hate to see you writhing in pain and I think it's important to be forthright. There's a very high probability that your husband is having an affair. He very likely met someone when he started his new job and that has blossomed into an affair. That's why he's acting differently. He feels guilty for leaving you but he's excited about his new make believe life with whomever he's involved with. It's affair fog.
I know that discovering that hurts, but it also helps you understand what you're up against. There's also a possibility that I'm wrong, but if I were a gambling man...
The thought has crossed my mind on more than one occassion. I've asked outright - he says no. His parents asked - he still says no. I mean he is hardly going to admit it, but it was one of the first things I asked when he dropped the bomb and my gut didn't tell me that he was lying when he said no; or he has become an incredibly good liar.
In truth, if he was having an affair it would make my decision easier as I would walk away; from him and the marriage. Whereas right now, I want to do all I can to see if it can be saved, before going down the divorce route. If it comes to that, at least I will be able to say that I did everything possible - no what if's.
Am I naive for believing him - potentially/probably, but I would like to think he's still a good person, if a little confused and conflicted.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Don't beat yourself up regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.
Keep up the good work at the gym! What other GAL activities interest you? Any hobbies you enjoyed and haven't done in a while? You could even go to a bookstore and read DR while enjoying a coffee or tea so you're not at home when expected.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
