I think if you really want to get back with him, it's important to remain light and friendly. Don't go complete non contact unless you have to for your own sanity. (a bit different from how men whose wives walked away are advised to act) Sandy has a great post on it in t0324s thread. This post is pretty recent. My db coach always told me to remain friendly, not to go dark.
I know how 1950s this sounds, but you really do have to get dressed up, get out there and make him worry a bit. But not in an obvious way.
I was never able to do any of this. I thought "how dare he, the selfish p.." and was really angry. I could not keep that under wraps. I also kept texting him asking if there was someone else, etc.
Then I just gave up and figured why would I want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me? I'm a pretty good partner and have a lot going for me. (I'm sure you are too)
So he's come home from work. He's apologized for causing me pain, he says he hates seeing me so sad. He even asked for a hug. Am I supposed to say no??
He's said he's sorry he has to go back to work, but I know that will only be for an hour before he goes out with his mates.
We talked - I know I shouldn't, but it's hard to keep my mouth shut. When he said he's sorry that he's hurt me and made me sad, I said I understand but nothing has been done to stop the hurt. I told him it saddens me to see him so conflicted and confused. He then hugged me again.
He repeated that he hates that he hurt me and I said - regardless of if our marriage survives, this hurt will stay with me for a long time. I added that if it works out, then the positive would be that maybe it needed to happen in order for us to prioritize each other, if it doesn't work out, then it needed to happen to bring the chapter to a close. He then asked for another hug.
I know I should keep my mouth closed, but my heart has so much it wants to say. It's killing me to see him so dejected (in front of me anyway) and I'm crushed that our marriage in his eyes is over. I know I should probably not be available for the hugs, but I treasure them so much......
I'm so sorry Island. It's going to sting for a while so brace yourself. However, there is hope. Lots of people have attracted their WAS back. I've done it 2x (keeping her is another story).
Take some deep breathes and prepare yourself for a roller coaster. Stay strong and you will come out ok, with or without your husband.
I've just read the list of do's and dont's - I seem to be doing everything I shouldn't be and the worst part is that I know I shouldn't be doing it but I can't stop myself.
I'd chew off my right leg to save my marriage in truth.
I know I need to GAL but for so long my life has been his. If he were to ask me to drop everything because he wants to do something, I would - yet I know I shouldn't.
I hate getting up in the mornings. I dread coming home from work - my dogs are great but it's not like they can have a conversation. I absolutely hate the weekends - not knowing if he'll spend time with me, not knowing if he'll come home. I don't want to go out as when I'm out all I can think about is - we used to go here, I want to share my fun times with him.
It doesn't matter if you've done the things you shouldn't. All that matters is that starting now you start trying your best to do the things you should.
I was in a very similar situation... desperate to save my marriage, and willing to do ANYTHING. Something that helped me a lot was an acquaintance reminding me that "desperation is not attractive." My situation is yet unresolved (not looking good, though), but it helped tremendously in so many ways. You might BE desperate, but don't ACT desperate.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I've just read the list of do's and dont's - I seem to be doing everything I shouldn't be and the worst part is that I know I shouldn't be doing it but I can't stop myself.
Don't feel bad. You're hurt, scared, and probably angry, which is never a recipe for good decision making. Being human isn't a failing.
Hi Island, Welcome to the board. None of us would choose to be here, but we are a good group and will listen and help you walk through this lonely, horrible, shocking time. Post often and you will get more responses and feedback. Also begin reading other newcomers' threads and comment on them. That will also increase your feedback. This forum has given me back my sanity. It very well may not save my marriage, but it has helped me cope more than any other single thing. And don't worry or beat yourself up about doing all the wrong things. Just make tomorrow a new day, and start doing things right. Hang in there, girl. I promise you it will eventually feel more bearable.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
So today's a new day. The H came home - was aloof and cool. We had a fitness test to go to - part of the end of a challenge set up by our gym. It was so hard to focus. He kept telling me how good I was doing.
There's a party tonight to celebrate the end of the challenge - I have no idea how to be. No one where we live knows that he has told me it's over; am I supposed to put on a smile and fake it till I make it? I'm not sure I can.
We talked - god only knows why, I try and remain composed but I can feel my eyes welling up. He repeats that he doesn't mean to be causing me pain, but he doesn't think this can be fixed. I say that it would take both of us to work at it- if he doesn't think it can work, why sign up to come to counseling with me? He said he didn't know.
He then hugs me so tightly I end up balling my eyes out. I'm crushed. We live in another country to my support, my family, I have few friends here as they're all 'our' friends - I feel helpless and alone. I long for my caring husband to be there, but he seems lost to me.
How do I turn it around? How do I pick myself up and go on? I thought we'd be together and be grumpy retirees, grow old together - all my dreams and aspirations are linked with him.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So out parents know - they are devastated. They know because we are due to be returning home for a wedding in 3 weeks - the H doesn't know if he wants to go so we had to tell them.
He left and said he's be a couple of hours 5 hours ago. Ive not called or messaged - which has been hard. We are supposed to be attending a party tonight - bought the tickets a couple of weeks ago. He has now said he will meet me there as he's going to go out "for work" first.
Part of me is feeling that he wants me to make the decision to call time so he doesn't have to feel guilty. He can say that we tried counseling, but then I was the one to call time. I don't know why I have that feeling - just because he says one thing, does another...... do I call time, or do I bide my time to see if this can be turned around.
I have't commented on others posts as yet - i'm in such a bad place that I have nothing to offer at the moment. I know I can be strong and when I find myself, I will offer my help and support where needed.
