Me too. What she said. Remember to celebrate tomorrow- APRIL FOOL'S DAY- dedicated to all the FOOLS who are leaving us- but we will rise strong and true, better people, and leaving behind the ones who don't deserve us. We must all hang in there.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
But, before you burn your bridges ... maybe you should consider the advice that you shouldn't believe anything WS's say, and only half of what they do.
I don't know. You've been grinding away at this a very long time, so you know what's best.
I want you to find a road back to happiness.
Originally Posted By: PsySara
WH said he felt I had abandonment issues and wouldn't let him leave.
What does he mean by this? Do you actually have some power to keep him?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Sara ((((big hugs)))) what an awful conversation to overhear. I can imagine how that must have felt and I'm so sorry.
Whether any of us choose to stand for our marriage in the face of such difficult circumstances is up to each and every one of us. However, I think the most important thing is boundaries, emotional safety and wellbeing.
You have been trying so hard to re-attract your H when he is clearly still infatuated (I'm not going to call that love) with OW.
At this point? You may want to call him right out on all of that and knock his skewed thinking right on the head.
Living like this isn't working for me H, so you'd better find another place I'm not going to ML to you and overhear you declaring love for someone else an hour later - that doesn't work for me I don't want our M to end, but I'm not willing to live like this (and I'll deal with my own fears thank you very much.)
I think you have been putting yourself secondary and suppressing and tolerating in the hope your M can be saved. It still may be if you want it to. However, I think it is time to clearly let your H know that if he wants to be elsewhere and not with you - he'd best get to it because you have a good life to live...
Believe me Sara, you are going to be ultimately fine either way and life will be much more peaceful if you lay down and maintain suitable boundaries for yourself.
Take care Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sara my lovely - one last question from me to ask yourself...
At what point does your H's behaviour become so disrespectful and inappropriate that the steel trap door comes thumping down?
I'm reminded of a couple of situations - one, where my XH booked a flight to visit OW (and I told him if he decided to go, I would not be 'at home' when he got back. He did go and I left as a result.) Caliguy's - where he and his W were piecing when he found she had texted explicit photos to OM.
In both situations the door came thumping straight down. No big discussions or arguments, no gas lighting. For me, I knew (with every fibre of my being) that we could not live together if he was behaving in this way.
At what point might you come to feel the same. And what part is fear (of abandonment?) playing for you? From all that you post, it does sound as though your H thinks he can get away with poor behaviour (illustrated by the smiley emoticon?) Meanwhile, you are doing your best to attract him back by planning nice things, buying nice nighties and buying him big presents. As though he and living with him in this way is some kind of prize?
Sorry, that was more than one question and I am feeling cross and upset on your behalf this morning - so that's mine to own too - but I hope there is something of help in all of this for you - truly I don't want to add to your pain...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm solo parenting for now so I will come back to respond to individual comments and questions later.
Last night WH came home and help put the kids to bed, ate dinner and then approached me to have our talk. I am paraphrasing but will try to be precise for clarity's sake.
Me: "I overheard your conversation with your cousin last night and was very hurt. We had ML about an hour before so you can imagine how I felt to be referred to as a "room mate" and to heard you compare your Affair break up with the devastation your cousin is experiencing after her fiance' broke up with her. I do not have abandonment issues and trust me, I could go out tonight and find a guy. I do not need you, I simply would like it if we could salvage our marriage. But it is clear to me that you feel I am desperate and will accept anything as long as you stay with me. Let me disabuse you of this, I have absolutely no problem if you walked out that door tonight and never walked back in. I encourage you to do so if you want to, I will not stop you."
WH looked very embarrassed and asked if he could clarify what I overheard and I gave him the floor. It was a long talk so I will bullet point the important parts:
-WH was trying to convince his cousin that she could move on and eventually the pain of separation would dissipate. He said he knows the Affair is not real love but the pain he felt after the break up was very real to him.
-He said he felt giving yourself 100% outside the marriage was a big mistake he made. He feels you should only give 100% in the marriage.
-He told his cousin that he treats me like a room mate sometimes and that it is very unfair to me. He says I have become the literal fantasy woman he always wanted and yet he has no idea why he can't "fall" for me
-He said he is starting to have moments where he misses me and feels warmth and "something" when he thinks of me. But he will not feign emotions as he feels it is dishonest and he only wants me to get the authentic behavior from him.
-He knows this marriage is extremely lopsided and I am doing the lion's share of the work. He says he feels guilty but is unsure how to do the work when the motivation is not there. (I bit my tongue a lot at this point)
-He says he would be the biggest loser in the world if he lost me but he would never stop from leaving as I deserve to move on if he cannot/will not show remorse.
-He still is unable to show remorse as he feels unsure of what to do. He says he would never cheat again because I am "nice" now. At this point I cut in, I told him that my behavior should not EVER be an excuse to cheat or remain faithful. He immediately corrected himself and said I was right, that he was using justifications for his infidelity. I also told him he still had poor boundaries and he seemed taken aback. He said he would continue to work on that.
Anyways, those are the highlights. He asked if he could hug me as he said he felt horrible that he hurt me so bad. I let him hug me and told him that we REALLY needed to communicate more so I know what's up and down between us. He agreed and again told me how sorry he was that he hurt me so badly.
I am proud of myself, I did not REACT but rather listened and validated, drew proper boundaries and showed WH he could trust me with his feelings and thoughts. I did not argue or try to convince him of my worth. Furthermore he knows I will nto tolerate being taken for granted and that I am perfectly willing to leave this M if he continues to barely pull his weight.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
The conversation you had with him might make him reflect on his "situation", since he refused to see an IC. My hope is that forced him somehow to verbalize and articulate his thoughts.
Take good care of you,
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Just keep in mind that MLC is a harsh journey, the MLCer is highly conflicted even during the piecing phase, so just let him be with his thoughts and live your life. Give him space and fill your space with "happy" time.
In life, nothing is set in stone, so stop projecting yourself "with him" in the future, enjoy each day, your kids, and your friends. At one point I decided to stop "building" a future with him in my mind even when he was talking about OUR RETIREMENT, I just started to live my life fully each day and enjoy the company of "positive people". I showed him that I could LIVE and be HAPPY with him but also without him, I planned trips and made work decisions based on Me only and the kids, like your husband he used to tell me that I was too dependent on him... I showed him by my actions that his thoughts were wrong, and if I decided to stay it's because I cared but I could live and thrive without him. It took months for him to realize that but now he is becoming aware that I can leave him if I want to. Also my actions had a positive influence on my teenage kids, they learned how to detach, be themselves and sail a few storms. When they have issues they come to me not him. Hang there,
HUGS
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
WH and I had an argument on Friday before going to WDW. He spent the weekend stonewalling me and refusing to speak to me the entire time. Last night he asked for a divorce again. I'm so tired. I will stop DB'ing and just try to gather up the shattered bits of me again. He told me he doesn't like me, nothing about me. He feels more at peace away from me and wants me to stay away from him forever. At this point I think I believe him. I slept about 1.5 hours last night and am not in a good place mentally. I am so tired.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
It reminded me of a big fight I had with H during piecing, the next day, he told me "I am done, I just cannot stand you anymore, I will be moving out in 4 months", then he just shut off (stonewalling), I was stunned and discouraged but I decided not to argue (somehow I had enough too and if he wanted to move on, fine) and I detached even more, I just started to live as if he was not here anymore. Three weeks later I asked him "Can you tell me exactly when will you be moving out so I can prepare the kids and take some decisions?", he looked at me and answered "What are you talking about?", he said he didn't remember saying that... I don't know if he forgot or he just realized that I took his decision seriously and I was ready to let him go and move on...
During piecing, they are very "touchy", I think I mentioned that several times, so any fights or R talks are going to push them away right away.
During piecing, staying detached is a MUST, during that period everything can happen. They are on the fence, they are on it for several months. It's also a period where the best is to do NOTHING most of the time, beside listening, validating and setting boundaries. Let him watch you move on and be happy!
Piecing is tough, it's a roller coaster, forget about any preconceived ideas you might have, at the beginning is more a cease fire between 2 people ready to jump at each other throat at the slightest provocation than a Honeymoon.
Just focused on YOURSELF and the KIDS, forget about him and his moody/crazy behavior. Make plans (work, vacations, kids, home) according to YOU and the KIDs. You need to stop being the pursuer, read the thread on it.
You cannot change him, he has to figure out by himself.
Take something to help you to sleep! You need to be able to function. I feel your pain, I went through that, I remember that excruciating pain and despair.
Don't let your life being in hold because of him! Your worth/life shouldn't be determined by how his mood of the day is. Stop making decisions based on him, become selfish for your own sake.
Big hugs,
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
