Ah Juju, I read your post yesterday and have been thinking about it ever since.
You've described it all perfectly, and much more eloquently than I ever could.
Strange thing is, I used to be such an analyser, such a describer in detail of everything I felt, such a talker...
I don't feel I have the words any more. I don't even have the coherent thought process before I could even begin to formulate the words.
There's just nothing left but being and doing. Being in the now, and doing things in the now.
I think there's a film I need to watch again. I remember seeing 'Three Colours: Blue' when it came out, many, many years ago now. It's about loss and grief. I'm curious to know what I would make of it now.
Anyway, being and doing...it seems to be that is all that there is. And yet at the same time, both those things seem like the most incredible gifts.
I get bogged down from my own ruminating. I think its OK to give yourself time to feel heavy. But only a little bit of time, because there is plenty else out there that is just really great.
I only managed 4 hours sleep last night. I'm so tired.
Yesterday I came across the info that the show that OW was in (and nominated for a major industry award for...the kind that nominees are loaned designer dresses and diamonds for, and the kind that you see pictures of in magazines like 'Hello') is transferring to Broadway and she's going to be in it. It's running from winter through to spring. I would imagine she'd have their child with her, and obvs him as well.
I feel so humdrum and unglamorous by comparison, so everyday, so out dazzled. Who could possibly have competed with that. Plus she's 15 years younger than me.
Anyway, back to my life. I went for a run in the morning. Not far, just my usual distance, because it felt like really hard work. And then on the spur of the moment, I went for a longer run in the evening. It was my first time running this longer distance...almost double my usual. That one felt really good.
I was physically very, very tired last night. I had a hot bath and some healthy food after I got back. My house is tidy and clean and I've made a start on my accounts (not due in until the end of January).
The wonderful man I'm seeing is heading over today, with his two adult kids and we're all going to see a rugby match together. I've never been to anything like that, so I'm really looking forward to it. Then we're going out for dinner and everyone is coming to stay at mine. It's the first time they will have been to my house and i'm a little nervous. I really like them both, they're an absolute credit to the way he's brought them up since he left his W 7 years ago.
I trust him already in a way that I don't think I ever trusted my H. He feels very strong and solid, in a quiet and unassuming way. He feels like a completely different type of person than my H ever was, although he has just as much presence - in a very different way from my H had. He has an incredible physical confidence and solidity (and playfulness too) that I am totally and utterly drawn to.
Hmm, so I've just finished my year end and instead of waiting until January to start working on my accounts, I've made a start now
I have some of STBXH's old invoices on my laptop (I used to help him with sorting his accounts). And out of curiosity I looked through some old phone bills. They were about £30/£40 per month usually.
Except the month I now know he had the affair with the 20 something year old (back in 2012). His phone bill for that month? £110.
Weird thing, I don't feel anything. Nothing at all.
I'm going to be working for the company he's done a lot of work for/with soon. Just a short term contract of a month and a bit.
I was talking to someone in the company today about preparations and arrangements for the job (obviously she knows what happened...well, not the story from my side, but you know, as much as is public) and I could **feel** the kindness coming down the phone from her. It was like she almost felt sorry for me.
I was very appreciative of her kindness, but afterwards, in my head, I was like, nah...I'm the one that's the lucky one in this scenario. Seriously.
That's how I'm feeling at the moment.
The OW? He's such a coward, such an underdeveloped teenager of a man. A man who can't deal with being an adult, who can't talk about any of the difficult emotions/situations that crop up in life.
And guess what? It's not just him, nobody in his family talk about difficult situations and emotions, so he's never seen anyone do that as he's been growing up and he's never learnt to as an adult.
And STBXH reacted exactly the same way I've seen his father react in his relationship with STBXH's mother.
STBXH always ran away from any of the things I brought up (and trust me, I was bringing them up as he was starting to go off the rails, 6 years before I left. He just either stonewalled me, or blanked me, repeatedly).
Well, she's totally welcome to him. I seriously deserve a lot better than being treated like that.
I've started my contract (the one with the company my STBXH sometimes works for).
We had a 12 hour journey yesterday to get to our first destination.
A number of the people (quite a few of them) have worked with my STBXH on various projects in the past - a couple of them at the time when things were really falling apart and shortly after.
One of the others, who had worked with him a good few years ago in 2013, mentioned him a couple of times.
Now, by what she said, she very obviously doesn't know what's happened...why he left and with who and she doesn't know about the child. And she very obviously hasn't seen something major has happened in my life by how different I look, whereas every single other person I meet comments on that.
Anyway, I said something very neutral when she brought him up, and stayed totally neutral in myself so that nobody could detect anything from me.
Other news...I have fallen very deeply in love with the man I met at the start of the year.
It's very, very easy to be with him. And he is very straightforward. He has a strong sense of who he is, and what is about, without him being blinkered and selfish.
I like the way he looks at life and relationships (the ones with the important people in his life, like his two children and his brothers and sister). He is extremely consistent and supportive.
If I had met him in my 20s, or even 30s, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate the sense of stillness and peace that is a part of him. It's a very quiet, interior, stillness and peace that I think has come from a huge amount of suffering. Having gone through what I went through I can see it.
We're talking about plans for Christmas at the moment, which is a huge thing for me, to make plans in advance like this. But I feel very safe with him, like I can very much rely on him, be constant and I know that he will support me. I never had that feeling before, not even when I met my H. There was always a part of me that didn't feel like I could let myself go and totally rely on him.
So, big company dinner the other night, with good number of senior managers coming too.
I'm sitting beside one of them. I know her a little, but not that well.
We have a really lovely time over dinner chatting about everything and anything. We're getting on really well.
Then she becomes quite self conscious and hesitant, and say that she hopes that she's not speaking out of turn, but that she hopes I'm getting over the trauma of it all.
Well, she's been one of the first people to bring it up in a direct way. The only other from this company was about a year and a bit ago, when she asked me how I really was.
Anyway she's so hesitant and self conscious about it all, that I have a good while to absorb what's happening and decide very consciously on how to answer (even through the large glass of wine I'd had).
In my answer, I basically skip straight to the very positive part of the process, where I'm very much living my own life and loving my life. I do mention that we'd been together 18 years and M 15, and she was somewhat shocked to find out it was that long. I say nothing whatsoever about the A(s). Everything I said and felt in my answer was absolutely genuine.
I felt I handled it all **very** well. And I'm pleased with myself.
I think I'm understanding one thing. That people respond to what you say and the way you say it. And if you can put your journey across in a positive way, they respond with positivity.
I know that there are other feelings lurking below (shame, anger...), but I feel that those are for myself to process. And to share with a **very** select few people.
But I at the moment I really need to feel positivity from other people as regards what's happened.
A kind of 'teach them how to treat you' sort of thing.
Focus, I still cant discuss my situation without immense bitterness. So kudos to you for being mature and professional.
I think that many people that are married recognize the situation for what it is and they truly feel for us. They want to offer support but at the same time don't want to be intrusive.
I personally, don't mind that support and openness. But many people prefer privacy.
