Introducing myself...

[focus22]

I'm obviously still processing things. Since I wrote that, I had a nightmare the night I found out.

Funny thing, was my nightmare wasn't anything to do with him, or her, but todo with losing the good things that are in my life *right now*.

Then I've had dreams the following nights.

I'm back on sorting/tidying today as I've noticed that always makes me feel better.

I've also become aware that I'm finding it difficult to finish sorting/tidying a particular section (be it clothes, bags, a particular cupboard, or whatever).

I'm feeling everything is two thirds there, but not quite finished. I'm managing the body of the work and the hard work, but can't quite get beyond that, to the point where I can sit back and enjoy what I've done...

[focus22]

Just checking in. Sorry I'm not too chatty on other threads. I do read as much as I can on this forum, I just don't have any words of wisdom or advice.

I've started running. I can only do a tiny amount so far. I started with 30 seconds jogging, 30 seconds walking.

I've stepped up to 45 seconds jogging, 30 seconds walking. At this rate, I could do a 5k in just about 30 minutes, but I'd like to take a big chunk of time off that. I know can do that quite easily with longer jogging times and less /shorter walking times.

60 seconds jogging, 30 seconds walking next week. Then I'll take 5 or 10 seconds off my recovery walk.

Did a little more house sorting this evening. Geesh, I still have so much stuff...

[doodler]

focus22,

I love running. I used to run for hours at a time. I'd get into the zone and just keep on going. I've been doing so many projects that I haven't had as much time to run lately, but I'll be ramping-up on my running soon.

Maybe you'll catch the running bug. It's good exercise and great way to relax and enjoy the outdoors.

[JRuss]

Sounds like really good GAL -- keep it up! It will pay huge dividends if you stick with it.

[focus22]

Wow doodler...hours at a time?! I can't even run for a minute at the moment...lol!!

I'm enjoying doing it late at night. Then I get home, have a bath if I feel like it, and go to bed. It's really helping to tire me out and sleep deeply.

I've downloaded one of those free app, so I can keep track of how I'm doing/progressing.

[focus22]

Another dating story from me...

I went out a couple of times with someone in December.

We got on really well chatting online. He was really interested in art, photography etc, and was obviously intelligent too, so the conversation was good.

We arranged to meet up for a chat one evening after I finished work.

The *instant* I saw him, I knew there was absolutely no spark. Can you even get a negative spark? Well, it was like that.

He brought be a present, a Japanese art book. It was beautiful (a little too much, and too full on though).

Anyway, if I removed the thought of it being any sort of date from my mind, we got on OK, had a good chat.

Along with the negative spark thing, I got the tiniest inkling of being the 'artist performing monkey' for him, of being the 'arm candy bohemian'. He was someone who had a bit of a hankering for being a creative, but who had gone down another path (law) and had become very corporate. Not an issue for me, but the way he thought of me made me feel a bit uncomfortable.

He asked if he could come to my house to call a taxi (what the actual?), to which I said no. He became pretty embarrassed, and obviously wanted to get away as fast as he could. But I didn't want him leave feeling so bad, so I deliberately slowed my (our) walking pace down, and chatted totally normally, as if nothing had happened.

We went out for lunch a couple of weeks later, and I had the same impression of him.

I became totally engrossed in work (December was pretty darn busy), and he dropped off the radar.

Then, check this, he turns up in the bar attached to one of my part time jobs one evening, very obviously on a date with a woman. Now, there was absolutely no way he was just 'stopping by'. That place where I sometimes work was a train and a subway ride away for him - over an hour of travel for him.

But anyway, not a 'bad' person in anyway (although that last bit was a bit weird/creepy/full on). But it made me appreciate how important it is for me for there to be a lot of spark, and how I'm drawn to people (in general, but men also) who have a lot of presence in some way or another. It's part of the environment I've worked in for many years, so I'm very used to, and comfortable, being with people who are like that.

My STBXH had *a lot* of presence and was *very* charismatic. But I think I've realised in this whole process that that does not equate to other things that are important to me (maturity, confidence, self knowledge/awareness). I had somehow assumed that they went hand in had when I met my H, 18 years ago. But I was very young then, so, well, I can't blame myself for that.

Other news: nearing the end of working on my kitchen. Just a couple of minor things to sort before I can say I've finished overhauling one room! Finally! And I know that it will give me a lot of energy and impetus to carry on and finish the living room.

So, what's left: finish cleaning on top of the cupboards, clean inside food cupboards, hob cleaner on the ceramic hob, clean floor, wash windows and paint the walls.

I've also realised that this process is not just about letting go of the past (I think that's why I was finding it hard at times, and was feeling like I was being weighed down by it). But it's also about making the best future too. So in that mindset, it feels much easier.

[focus22]

Oh heck guys, I need your support...I'm all over the place.

A text this evening...about half an hour ago.

First contact since November (or there abouts).

Basic jist is that he says that he thinks I'll agree that our marriage has broken down irretrievably, and as a result if would be wise for us to start divorce proceedings.

Scots law: after one year of separation we can apply for divorce provided both parties agree and there are no children under 16.

Need to sort out financial matters, but should not be too difficult.

Sends me a links as to where to find more information.

Asks if I'm in agreement and he'll get things started.

[focus22]

Sooo, I'm a bit all over the place.

Child has been born (I know that).

I'm not going to say anything for the time being, until I work things out a bit in my head.

But at the moment, I just want to shout at him in caps that of course our M broke down irretrievably if he was off chasing other women.

I want to tell him in caps that there are no financial matters to sort out as the house if mine, so he can eff right off if that's what he's angling at.

I'm also thinking that I never, ever want to set eyes on him again.

And I'm also thinking that I'm not even going to bother answering.

I've got a crazy long day ahead of me tomorrow, 13 hours of work. I was starting to feel sleepy but now all I want to do is clean.

Weird thing is, I've never had that reaction to anything before in my life. But seriously, I want to get down on my knees and scrub the inside of the oven for all it's worth.

What's going on with me? I don't know if I've ever felt this angry.

[Sotto]

Sorry to hear that Focus. Firstly, anger is energy that needs releasing. Hence the scrubbing urge...I guess your oven may be spotless now? (((Hugs)))

I'm in the UK too but different law here. So he could choose to file on a no fault basis? What works for you at this point? Sounds like he is seeking approval to move forward and hopes you may collaborate, so this feels like a mutual desire to D?

For me, I told XH that D wasn't my choice, but I wouldn't oppose if that were his choice and he did file. I have no regrets about letting him do the work, being cooperative & responding minimally and with Ls in the mix.

Best advice I can give? Release the emotion away from him & respond in a minimal way to him, though pleasant. Post here first if that helps..

Xx

[Vanilla]

Focus

Have you an L? Getting great L might be important.

Please don't assume team FHM will stay all yours, I am having the fight of my life to keep mine which I owned for 30 years before I met the Giggalo, my M was on
YouTube 9 months. I am in England though, Scots law can be different.

Protect yourself financially.

Big Hugs

V