I don't really know why I'm here. At this point, I don't even know if I want to save things anymore. I guess knowing that there are others here going through the same thing I am makes me want to just throw this out in the ether to have someone who doesn't know me or my STBXW reads it.
My wife and I have been together for six years (as of last week. Happy anniversary.) When we met, I was going through a bad divorce (cheating spouse, mental and emotional abuse). She was a single mom with a two month old daughter that was looking to start dating again. We clicked. Very different people, but exactly what the other was looking for in a life partner. Wanted pretty much the same things out of life. After two years together, I married my best friend. After another year or so, I adopted our daughter.
When our daughter started Pre-K, I started making noises about my wife going back to work. When she started Kindergarten last year, I made even more noises. Instead, my wife basically did nothing but stay at home and play video games all day. We haven't been a functioning partnership in some time. House always a disaster, my chores not done either, not enough communication, etc.
At some point last year, my wife made a couple of new friends on XBox Live. One in particular. None of our friends liked this guy, and he managed to isolate her from them (so now instead of lots of friends, she just had him and his circle). I haven't liked him, and haven't liked her talking to him, but I didn't want her to feel like I didn't trust her (I did trust her) and I didn't want her to feel smothered.
Around October of last year, my wife started smoking. This was a pretty big warning sign for me that something was wrong. I tried talking about the smoking at first, btu that got nowhere. In November or so, I just sat down and started talking to her, asking what was wrong. After a bunch of "nothing's wrong"s I got out that she was feeling unhappy in general, because of our poor sex life. I told her I would work on meeting her needs better, but that she had to help, too... by actually coming to bed when I did instead of hours later.
We had a few good weeks, until I got sick again in December (bronchitis/pneumonia I've had every year for the last three years). I didn't feel healthy again until mid-January.
Jan 19 (the day before my daughter's sixth birthday) I come home to my wife cooking, which is strange (she almost never does... if I don't cook or otherwise provide food, we wouldn't eat). She's also acting strange. I ask her what is wrong, and she says "later." I tell her she can't do that, as I'm male, and we always perceive such situations as something leading to "a conversation" where we hear "and the horse you rode in on." Her only response to this is "we'll see."
At this point, I basically lose it, and go into the guest room and break down. I start getting texts from her telling me "ILYBNILWY" etc. She's not happy. She doesn't feel like she's a good wife or mother. She feels like a slave. She's felt like this for a long time. She isn't interested in working on the marriage, but this doesn't mean we have to get a divorce. In the end, she insists she "really doesn't know what she wants." She then insists I eat the food she has made for dinner (obviously, I don't want to eat AT ALL at this point) and later goes back to playing video games.
The next day, I start working on myself (not (just) for her, but for me). I start eating healthier, start doing the things I've been neglecting, etc. We make love several times over the next few days, but it hurts me pretty bad (making love to someone who doesn't love you isn't a happy experience).
She hasn't done anything different. She's just sitting on the couch all day playing video games. I'm pretty bitter about that, and let her know. I tell her she REALLY has to go back to work, because we don't need a SAHM anymore if we stay together (and I'm not comfortable with the idea anymore) and if we DON'T stay together, she's going to have to support herself at some point.
I point out that she is spending all of this time talking to another man, which is a level of attention I could never compete with (since I work all day, if for no other reason). I question whether or not what she's doing with him has any bearing on our situation, with a response of "of course not, we're just friends" and how he has been trying to talk her through staying together and fixing our situation. I am immediately suspicious, and suggest that that's not exactly normal behavior for a man with a female friend, and even if SHE sees it as "just friends" maybe HE doesn't. I'm told that's ridiculous.
A few days later, she admits that she brought up with I said to him, and he told her he was in love with her. I demand that she has to break off contact completely. She agrees, saying she has blocked him in all the ways he could contact her. A few days later I get a message from a friend of ours, who lets me know the two of them were together in an XBL part, and he thought I should know. I check her xbox and sure enough, he isn't blocked. I confront her about it, and she expresses confusion and ignorance about how such a thing could have happened, eventually admitting "well, we were playing with some other people and couldn't hear each other, so I only unblocked him for that and just didn't remember to block him again." She also hasn't blocked him on Kik, because "she didn't know how, but I muted him which is the same thing (it's not). At this point, it's clear to me this is an emotional affair.
My wife had started (individual) therapy at this point. She started planning a trip for when our daughter was on spring break, saying her Therapist suggested she needed to get away from things. She chooses spring break so while she is gone, our Daugher and I can also have some time. She wants us to go to Disney World (at this point, I am translating this into "I want you to have fun so I won't feel guilty while I am gone.") She first says she is going to go to Savannah or Charleston, then changes her mind and is going to Miami/Florida Keys.
The trip is expensive. She is a SAHM with no income, and the funds she has available are in the form of cash that I've given her for birthdays, Christmas, etc. In the end, she books this trip to the tune of >$1500. I Cannot imagine any therapist who cared about a patient would tell a SAHM thinking about leaving her marriage that she should spend every dollar she has (and then some) on a vacation, and tell her so. She doesn't really respond to that, it's just "something she has to do for herself." I comment that I would not be surprised if her friend from Xbox were missing that week as well, which is "ridiculous, because we're just friends."
I don't hear her talking to the xbox guy anymore, but I hear her talking to someone else (another male friend) pretty much constantly. I point out that she has traded one for the other. I'm told this is ridiculous, until a few days later when she admits that she has seemed to just trade one for the other. This one lives in Florida, and she mentions that she might ask him to "show her around."
Somewhere around this point, I give her back my wedding ring. A few days later, I ask why she is still wearing hers, since she obviously has no interest in being my wife anymore. I feel like her ring is a lie. She takes it off, and cries about it. My MIL tells me later that she was on the phone for hours with her, crying her eyes out. I am seriously confused. My in laws are telling me that the reason my wife hasn't left yet is that she really doesn't want to. As soon as I believe this, my wife starts talking about moving out.
One night she goes to bed early. I follow her into the guest room and give her a hug goodnight. I decide to take a chance and kiss her. She smiles brighter than I've seen in years. For the first time in a very long time, I see the woman I married. I tell her she can come back into the bedroom any time she wants... not for sex, but just if she wants to spend that time together. The next night she does, and does for the next few days. She's still talking about moving out, though(??).
A few days later, she has a job interview (finally). It finishes early (reading between the lines, I came up with "come back when you're serious") and she invites me to lunch. Over lunch, she mentions casually that she doesn't want to move in with her mother, because her brother and his girlfriend are there. I hear this as "I still want to leave you, I just don't like my options right now." That night, we are laying in bed together, and she again casually mentions that her friend was supposed to help her clean up her grandmother's trailer, but hasn't yet (which I again hear as "I still want to leave you, I just don't like my options right now.")
The next day, I tell her that I feel like I'm being used. That she is only still in the house because I'm safety and comfort, and it's not fair of her to rely on that from our marriage while really not wanting to be in it. If she really wants to leave, then she should leave. She leaves. She later says I threw her out. Our daughter stays with me (at that point, the only thing my wife does is pick her up from school, and I do everything else. The next school day, I make sure she's enrolled in after school program, and I pick her up, too).
She moves to her Mom's and starts hanging out with an ex-girlfriend ("just friends," of course, though I believed (still do) that one). They are inseparable. Friend tells me that everyone is trying to get my wife to come home and fix her marriage (my in-laws are all pretty upset over the current situation, asking her what she is doing).
A few weeks ago, I tell her that it might be time we get lawyers involved in our situation. She says that she hates this idea of giving up, that she wants to do MC, and we start talking more, it seems seriously. I ask if she wants to go on a date to spend some time together. She says it sounds nice, and I plan something fun and special for us for Saturday. That Friday, she comes by the house early on Friday (she is supposed to have our daughter on the weekend). We decide to go get her from school together, and decide we should go to lunch as a family. When we get back from lunch, daughter is sleepy and wants to take a nap. My wife and I end up going to bed together. It's the happiest I've been all year. We make love and go to sleep in each other's arms.
I wake up to her phone ringing. It rings and stops. Rings and stops. For 20 minutes. I ask her why she isnt answering, and she gives me some excuse about it not being important. The next time it rings, I reach for it to hand it to her and she GRABS for it so I don't see who's calling. She gets dressed and goes on the porch. When I follow, she tells me it's too cold and I need to go back inside. I know exactly who is calling, and she later confirms I'm right. I accuse her of lying, she disagrees ("I said I blocked him, and I did, I only unblocked him a week or so ago"). My best day of the year just became my worst. I call her later, she is bitter and angry, basically blaming me for I-don't-know-what. This is not the same woman who I went to sleep next to.
I call her Saturday morning and break our date. She is surprised and annoyed. I explain that she has been having an emotional affair, that she is continuing, with no intent to stop, and I refuse to "work on us" while this is going on. I don't want her to contact me unless it's about our daughter, and she shouldn't come by the house alone (telling her to bring friend or my mother in law when she does). That sunday, she comes to drop off our daughter and friend is with her. Friend tells me what my wife is feeling and that she wants to fix things. I tell friend how I feel, that she is having an affair, and I refuse to do ANYTHING while the situation goes on.
The next night, I get text from wife who says she's had a bad day. When I inquire why, she says "giving up friends is hard." I take this to mean (as it was surely intended) that she has decided to stop talking to them. Her and friend come by for dinner on Tuesday. Friend tries to help while we wait for/find MC to talk to. She makes us talk to each other, do some intimacy exercises, etc. We end up getting the intimacy exercises right and sleep together. Wednesday, we do the same. I feel hopeful. I end up talking to a friend on xbox, who tells me something that proves wife lied to me about something. It's not even anything important, but it's a lie. I call her on it, and she refuses to admit it was a lie, saying she was "mistaken."
They come by again on Thursday, and I refuse to participate in the evening, saying we need to talk about honesty and communication. Wife says she feels like she is being attacked and I am dumping on her. Refuses to admit she has been dishonest about anything AT ALL the whole time. Refuses to admit that there has been an EA. Actually gets xbox dude on FB Messenger (who is supposed to be blocked) to tell me that I'm wrong (wtf??).
Friday wife is getting ready for her Florida trip, asks to come by to get some things from house. I say fine. She says she also wants to do laundry and take a shower while at house. I refuse, saying this isn't a hotel. We have a fight over this STUPID issue like we're arguing over something of vital importance. Never had a fight like this with anyone in my life, much less her. In the end, I give up. I'm not fighting anymore. I tell her to do whatever she wants, 10 loads of laundry, take a shower till no hot water left, etc. and tell her that I can make sure we never have this fight again by moving all of her stuff out of house and into storage building near her mother's. I'm accused of "completely throwing her out" and having no compassion, and being controlling, and I'm not the man she married. I reply that if she thinks I'm controlling, she should get as far away from me as she can, as fast as she can, because I would in her place. I don't want another child, I want a partner, and I'm not going to control my partner.
Later she texts and says that we need to figure out what we want. I tell her I know what the next step is, but I'm not ready to take it. She implies that maybe MC is still possible. I suggest that since she is about to be away for a week, we shouldn't have contact and decide what it is that each of us wants, and discuss when she gets back.
She leaves for Florida. We don't talk much at all. She misses talking to our daughter twice that week. On one of those occasions, she offers the "oh, I went out for dinner" excuse. I know she is out to dinner with someone else.
We talk on her return. She slips up at some point and says "we went to the beach." I don't say anything, and she says she "ran into" someone who showed her around. She refuses to say who, saying it's no one's business. I suggest that this is my answer, that if we ARE going to stay married, this isn't something that can't be talked about. She adamantly insists nothing happened. I don't believe her. She says she is completely done, there's no point working on anything.
Mostly no contact since then. She asked me to call her this most recent Tuesday evening (our anniversary was Wednesday). She is reminiscing about good times we've had, and how this will always be a happy day for her. I say it's a hard day for me to deal with, and always will be. She won't let me off the phone, and at some point I break down in tears over something she says. At midnight she says happy anniversary and lets me go. I talk to a lawyer's office on out anniversary. She misses our daughter's parent teacher night the next day.
Saturday she invites me to local theme park (MIL's company picnic) because there is an extra ticket. I tell her that if she wants to spend time together, I'll come, but if she's just giving me a free ticket, then she and our daughter should just enjoy the day together. It would be confusing for both our daughter and myself. She says ok.
Yesterday I pick up our daughter. My MIL says she really wanted me to come. I ask my wife who denies this. I'm feeling like I'm being toyed with. I tell her that I'm not going to assume things. If she has something to say to me, she needs to be CLEAR in what she is saying. I don't want to play games. If she wants to fix this, I'll still work with her, but I'm filing for divorce. We settle logistics.
I'm sorry for the long winded story. Like I said, I don't know why I'm here. I don't know if I want to fix this or not anymore. I still love my wife, I miss her dearly, but I know she doesn't love me, doesn't respect me, doesn't care how I feel, has had an EA and probably a PA. So I'm doing my best to detach. The divorce will at least give me some kind of structure that I can safely rebuild my world in.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Working on getting a life. Checked out meetup for some groups to hang around with. Apparently, most people around here only do things during the week and not on the weekend. Really weird to me.
Hi man, sorry to hear that you are in this crap. However, it seems that you are doing very well. Its unfortunate that they choose to do what they do, but in reality there isn't a thing we can to about it. I applaud you for taking care of you and your child!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I read your story and I see so much inconsistency. So much wishy-washiness. You've threatened lawyers and divorce how many times? To me, that's like threatening a child with losing privileges but not taking them away if the behaviors continue.
My point isn't that you need to be giving out ultimatums. My point is that you know you are being walked on, but you aren't willing to actually stand up and ENFORCE your own personal boundaries.
You are riding her emotional roller coaster and letting her 'toy' with you. What will you do to get off? (And no, I don't think divorce is the answer)
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
FWIW, I agree with you about the wishy washiness. After the bomb drop, I tried to detach immediately for my own sake (my philosophy is hope for the best, plan for the worst, and I realized how hard it would be to get through this if I didn't detach). I obviously wasn't successful at the time. I don't believe I seriously even tried until this past week.
At this point, we aren't communicating except about our child, and even that is sparing. That's helping quite a bit.
When I threatened divorce, I wasn't trying to provoke a reaction, though it's clear in hindsight that's what happened here.
I'm still figuring out how to set boundaries. I'm doing individual therapy, and that will probably be my target for this week's session.
Thanks for the kind thoughts. Our little girl is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Getting to see her six days a week is really important to me. I don't know how I would manage with what my wife has (she only sees her three days a week).
My biggest regret here is that she has to go through this. It's not fair to her at all.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! Focus on being the Best EastTN and Dad that only a fool would leave.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Hey East, Alabama girl here. Glad to meet you, although I wish none of us had to meet under these circumstances. This is a wonderful oasis in the desert of horror, shock and loneliness that we find ourselves in. Lots of really good, helpful people who will take the time to get to know you, and give you big advice, but also, advice on the little things that we find ourselves hung up in, like, do I answer this text? do I swap nights? do I call him back? how do I go to a movie alone?... the daily trivia that seem so big right now. Post often, you'll get more feedback that way. Not only on your thread, but go on other's threads and read their stories, and post there too. You'll connect with other people more quickly, plus there's SO much to learn by reading others' stories- both what to do and what not to do. Hang in there!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
