Wife left two days before our anniversary! Part 2

[Vapo]

Jbroken,

welcome to the club no one wants to be a member of. I just read your sitch and it is very similar to most of our sitches. You are very lucky to have Jeep giving you advice. He is a seasoned warrior and a treasure trove of good advice. Listen to him, he is pure gold. Sunmoon is also golden. Even though she does not have years of experience to her, she is very wise and clearly very open to intuition. Kaizen also a great poster.

You are 3 months post BD and still in shock. This is normal. Things will likely turn for worse for you once the shock wears off, and that too is normal. You have to quit seeing her action as something that is done to hurt you. Not everything she does is designed to hurt you, in fact hardly anything she does (or says) has anything to do with you. IT IS ALL ABOUT HER. In her eyes she has been unhappy for years with you and not that she's broken free of you, she is finally happy (so she things) as it is only logical to be happy when disconnected from her source of unhappiness. It will take time for her to reach the conclusion that the reason for unhappiness is within her and it is not you. You cannot do anything to help the situation, but you can do soo much to screw it up.

YOU WILL NOT FIND THE SILVER BULLET TO CHANGE THINGS AROUND. Quit looking and save yourself the time. Work on yourself. Get a life. Get busy living and not pining away for her. Looking pathetic, needy and just being a hot mess is soooooooooo unattractive to anyone. There is nothing you can do to turn the sitch around for her. Print out Sandi's rules. Have them laminated. REad them daily. Twice daily. It is not you, it's her. That does not mean that you are without fault. You are not. You are a human being. You are faulty by default. Now is the time to better yourself and trust me, you can do with bettering yourself. Quit being a please, quit being a "nice guy" (when you finish DB, i recommend reading No more Mr. Nice guy).

As for common friends, they are just perplexed with the whole sitch and I believe they are not taking sides. Her friends will take her side, and some will choose to be distant so that it does not appear they are taking sides. It's normal, that is just the way things are.

Take care buddy, things will get better...

[jbroken]

Jbroken, I have recently opened up to my cousin who just a few years back was left by her husband. no warning signs, just one day "I don't love you anymore" and gone. 2 kids together, the whole shot.

Looking back, there were warning signs that the W was contemplating D from the beginning of 2016. By chance I saw a few messages pop up on her phone from friends along the lines of 'did you mention D' 'what was his reaction', etc. When I mentioned it it to her, she was like 'it's not our D they were talking about...' This was with a smile on her face. I was so confident that would never happen that even wrote down on a post-it that I would give her one no questions asked-dated and signed. This was minutes before I took her out for her birthday surprise that I planned for her. Literally minutes. We did have a difficult six months up until June/July when we had friends staying with us - focus diverted on that. Once her mother came down in August - that's when I first got a sense of something is not right. She (or her mother) removed all the silver from the home and 'put it in storage to make space'. I still didn't read much into that. A couple of months of distance and little communication and then the first BD - which I talked down to a three month separation

she gave me some really good advice, she told me she literally took each day one hour at a time. she would tell herself..."okay, I just need to get through this next hour.." and so on. she said that it helps, tremendously. She is married again, and more happy than she was with her first husband. I have taken a few steps back today, as my brain wants to go back to that place of pain, upset, anger and fear. I know it's part of the process and I know that you too will have more bad than good days ahead, but like everyone has been telling us....it will get better. I am always here for you, we are both kind of in the same stages of this life situation and it helps to lean on one another, even if it is through a computer screen. I know this forum has helped me cope more so than if I never found it. try to see the life lessons you are learning from this experience- so far mine have been eye opening. a definite growing season for me. it's unfortunate that I have to possibly lose the love of my life and everything we have built together to have the lessons, but, it is what it is.

That's essentially what I am trying to do. Take things literally by the hour. It is excruciating. This forum and you all are the only ones there for me. I really don't know what I would do without you all. I'm definitely learning my lessons and will change and grow from this. I just wish I get the chance to put it all towards this M and the love of my life. That's what I can't get over - how my W is willing to walk away from the love of her life, give up on me, give up on us. It just doesn't register for me.

[jbroken]

It is very normal to see yourself through their eyes. It's haunting. BUT you have to remember, she is human too, she has faults, she is just choosing to highlight yours as to make you FEEL like you are the culprit. When H dropped the bomb two weeks ago, he named off everything that I had done to cause his lack of feeling toward me anymore- they all hurt, like knives, only because I knew I was guilty for most of them. however; some of the things he listed were reactions to what HE wasn't providing me as a husband. My love tank has been empty for a very, very long time, one would think your spouse would act out if that were the case. maybe nagging? maybe short temper?? yeah, I did all those things, and more. but all he wants to do is put the blame on me to make himself feel justified in his actions.

That exactly what happened here Sunmoon. It was all my fault. She has tried for a very long time. This was a bad marriage. There were too few happy moments. It's too late now. It really did cut like knives. Even her mother called the next day reiterating the same points - it was like they both were reading off the same script! My W did admit some of hers faults at the time but, still said 'I don't have time, I'm 35 already', 'I gave you twelve years', 'I don't want to work on it', 'I have nothing left to give'.

you have to get past that, Jbroken. I maybe wasn't the best wife to him all the time - but I am one darn amazing, loving, caring person that would do anything for anybody. I'm loyal, I'm trustworthy, I treated my husband like he was the only man in the world. but because he was negligent to provide what I needed in our relationship, the ugly side came out more and more and caused him to check out. again, not all my fault. not all your fault. It takes two.

That's what I can't understand. She admits some of her faults too. Apologises. And still doesn't want to work on them or give us time to work things out. I just can't wrap my head around that.

[jbroken]

Anyway, I digressed. start thinking about all of your positive qualities. Start thinking about all you have to offer, usually I would say get your ego out of the way, but in this case, groom it a little bit. you are a loving, caring, honest man, (from what I have seen here) you have a lot to offer a woman that WANTS to be with you and cherish you. I know it's hard to think about another woman right now. I don't like the feeling of having to picture another man in my life, other than H. but, I have literally started putting together my ideal man in my head. it keeps my mind off my H and actually excited about meeting someone new someday. If H decides he wants to stay and make things work, great. but i can't sit around and wait. I preparing mentally so that if it does happen, I'm already halfway disconnected.

jbroken,

Wise words from Sunmoon! Take them to heart. You still have so long to go to make it where you feel as if your knees aren't about to buckle with each step, but you are getting there. It took me several virtual hammers before I could even see straight, and even then I didn't want to see her for what she really is.

It's OK to mourn the loss of the marriage. And its OK to love the OLD wife. Where things get crazy is when we obsess over things. Really, there isn't anything we can do - there isn't a single action that we can do that would make someone come back. After all, would you REALLY want that? Would you really want someone to come back as a result of something you said/did over truly wanting it on their own?

You have a road ahead of you that's paved with gold - while you may not see it because of your mindset, its there. You have a blessed future ahead of you. That's all you need to know. There is nothing else you can do, or should, but work on yourself.

Sometimes things happen and the hand we are dealt isn't the one we wanted. Don't let this consume you - I've seen what happens and it isn't pretty. This is your time to shine now. I'm not going to hold your hand and blow pretty smoke, because that isn't what's needed. Take care of yourself for you and you only. The best thing to do? Act like she doesn't exist. At all.

I hear you Jeep74. I guess my mindset is not allowing me to see ahead, see through the fog. As you tell by my posts - I'm up one day and down the next. I have more bad days than good ones. But, I keep trying to pick myself up. Every time. And I'll keep going.

[jbroken]

Ditto all of the above. YOU CAN DO THIS.
Let her go.
Start walking forward on the road built just for you. Not her road. She's put you out of the car. Get on your road in your OWN CAR and just one mile at a time. That's all.
It didn't happen the way you would have chosen, but like someone above said, even if it had, you'd still be without her.
It will get easier every single day. And no, you probably can't see this yet as a gift of time, but if you will follow the premise given in this school of thought, and begin to grow and expand your horizons to outside the pain of today, you will look back and be able to see it as a gift.

Thanks leahsue. I'm trying. I really am.

[jbroken]

Jbroken,
SO SORRY to hear you have the flu!! That was me 2 weeks ago, and it did nothing to help my emotional well-being, that's for sure! Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate, and get some rest. Try not to overthink your situation and pain while you're sick. Between naps and reading DB, find some good TV and marathon a series. That helped me escape while I was sick. After about the 3rd episode, I'd realize I hadn't even thought of my pain for at least an hour! (And BTW, I tell you this from personal experience, one cannot get bed sores from watching 12 episodes straight of Scandal. LOL) Feel better!!!

Thanks leahsue - not a hundred percent as yet. But, feeling a bit better today. Started the latest season of Black Sails so that's helping me shift focus.

[lt0402]

Anyway, I digressed. start thinking about all of your positive qualities. Start thinking about all you have to offer, usually I would say get your ego out of the way, but in this case, groom it a little bit. you are a loving, caring, honest man, (from what I have seen here) you have a lot to offer a woman that WANTS to be with you and cherish you. I know it's hard to think about another woman right now. I don't like the feeling of having to picture another man in my life, other than H. but, I have literally started putting together my ideal man in my head. it keeps my mind off my H and actually excited about meeting someone new someday. If H decides he wants to stay and make things work, great. but i can't sit around and wait. I preparing mentally so that if it does happen, I'm already halfway disconnected.

jbroken,

Wise words from Sunmoon! Take them to heart. You still have so long to go to make it where you feel as if your knees aren't about to buckle with each step, but you are getting there. It took me several virtual hammers before I could even see straight, and even then I didn't want to see her for what she really is.

It's OK to mourn the loss of the marriage. And its OK to love the OLD wife. Where things get crazy is when we obsess over things. Really, there isn't anything we can do - there isn't a single action that we can do that would make someone come back. After all, would you REALLY want that? Would you really want someone to come back as a result of something you said/did over truly wanting it on their own?

You have a road ahead of you that's paved with gold - while you may not see it because of your mindset, its there. You have a blessed future ahead of you. That's all you need to know. There is nothing else you can do, or should, but work on yourself.

Sometimes things happen and the hand we are dealt isn't the one we wanted. Don't let this consume you - I've seen what happens and it isn't pretty. This is your time to shine now. I'm not going to hold your hand and blow pretty smoke, because that isn't what's needed. Take care of yourself for you and you only. The best thing to do? Act like she doesn't exist. At all.

I hear you Jeep74. I guess my mindset is not allowing me to see ahead, see through the fog. As you tell by my posts - I'm up one day and down the next. I have more bad days than good ones. But, I keep trying to pick myself up. Every time. And I'll keep going.

JB,first know that I understand what you're going through. This stuff, especially, the first few months, is so brutal on our souls. It's like you're stuck in the breakers and are being flipped over and over again. Tough to tell which way is up.

The advice you are getting here from everyone is solid. I'll latch onto your reply to Jeep above. You say that your mindset is not allowing you to see ahead. I'd ask the question to you of who controls that mindset? It's you brother. You can change your mindset at any point.

Is it easy? No. I get that. I get stuck at times too. But it's necessary and is definitely do able. Reading your thread I see a smart, well spoken person. Take control of the situation and use your brain to figure out what you want. It sounds like you have been locked down with the flu recently. What have you done with your time? This may be a blessing in disguise as being laid up can give you a lot of time to think. Have those thoughts been constructive? I.e. Have you thought about what makes you happy? What you need to fix in yourself to be happier in the future? What you will get out of the house and do as soon as you are over the flu?

You NEED to focus on you, especially if you've gone dark. Your Ws journey at this point is hers alone. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and start trudging down your own path. I'd bet before long you're walking, then jogging, then sprinting down your path. This whole thing can be a blessing if you make it one. My situation is different, but I can tell you that my R with my D would never be as strong as it is right now had it not been for this crap. That alone is probably worth the BD, the cheating, the lying, etc. I needed a wake up call as I was on cruise control and this bad stuff was it. Always a silver lining brother. What will yours be?

Hang in there and I hope you are feeling better. Draw strength and comfort from knowing we are here to help and have been where you are. So, what are you going to do to make yourself better?

[jbroken]

Jbroken, welcome to the club no one wants to be a member of. I just read your sitch and it is very similar to most of our sitches. You are very lucky to have Jeep giving you advice. He is a seasoned warrior and a treasure trove of good advice. Listen to him, he is pure gold. Sunmoon is also golden. Even though she does not have years of experience to her, she is very wise and clearly very open to intuition. Kaizen also a great poster.

Thanks Vapo. I know all of them have been wonderful. I don't know what I would be doing without them and all the great folks offering their support and advice here.

You are 3 months post BD and still in shock. This is normal. Things will likely turn for worse for you once the shock wears off, and that too is normal. You have to quit seeing her action as something that is done to hurt you. Not everything she does is designed to hurt you, in fact hardly anything she does (or says) has anything to do with you. IT IS ALL ABOUT HER. In her eyes she has been unhappy for years with you and not that she's broken free of you, she is finally happy (so she thinks) as it is only logical to be happy when disconnected from her source of unhappiness. It will take time for her to reach the conclusion that the reason for unhappiness is within her and it is not you. You cannot do anything to help the situation, but you can do so much to screw it up.

I'm just short of a month in from the BD. We had a separation for three months prior to this latest event. I'm afraid there are just too many 'biased shoulders, protectors and rescuers' around her to make her realise her role in our sitch. Plus there are 'enablers' in her midst that want our M to end and for her to move-on quickly.

YOU WILL NOT FIND THE SILVER BULLET TO CHANGE THINGS AROUND. Quit looking and save yourself the time. Work on yourself. Get a life. Get busy living and not pining away for her. Looking pathetic, needy and just being a hot mess is soooooooooo unattractive to anyone. There is nothing you can do to turn the sitch around for her. Print out Sandi's rules. Have them laminated. Read them daily. Twice daily. It is not you, it's her. That does not mean that you are without fault. You are not. You are a human being. You are faulty by default. Now is the time to better yourself and trust me, you can do with bettering yourself. Quit being a pleaser, quit being a "nice guy" (when you finish DB, i recommend reading No more Mr. Nice guy).

That's what I'm trying to do at the moment. I just have a lot more bad days as opposed to the good ones. And I don't think I can classify myself as a 'nice guy' by any means - I have done my share in the sitch. But, at the same time I have also owned up to them. And I more than willing to do my part. My heart has always been in the right place. Perhaps, it is my current mindset and like I said in previous posts on the bad days I just can't stop seeing this sitch and myself through her eyes. And it makes me feel like dirt.

As for common friends, they are just perplexed with the whole sitch and I believe they are not taking sides. Her friends will take her side, and some will choose to be distant so that it does not appear they are taking sides. It's normal, that is just the way things are.

I'm not entirely sure what's happening with common friends. But, I do feel they have taken sides. I must point out, though these friends are common to us now, the primary relationship was always through my W - they are her friends first. Then eventually became mine - at least I thought. And then over time, I was introduced to their Hs/BFs so on. She brought a LOT more friendships into our R or M than I did. And these lot are part of that. The fact that not a single one of them has called or even sent a message in a month to see how I am doing - I'm afraid, the proof is in the pudding. She cut me right out of our world - just like that.

[Vapo]

You are not alone buddy. I know exactly how you are feeling, and it is all normal. You just want people in your corner. Most people are very reluctant to take sides. As a general rule, her family will side with her, your family will side with you, and all others just do not want to poke in the mess. Some people will not agree with what she is doing, but will still side with her so to speak. Some will be enablers, I would suggest you defriend them. Try not to hold grudges. REmember they were her friends first, and she has probably been feeding them all sort of her version of the truth.

The real truth will come out. I would suggest you not try "persuading" them with your version of truth. It will just make you look pathetic and petty. Remember, the real truth WILL come out.

You have to start looking out for yourself. You have a ton of healing to do. LEave you W be for now, there is nothing you can do for her.

[jbroken]

Remember they were her friends first, and she has probably been feeding them all sort of her version of the truth

I guess you are right here. But, how do people just believe that. Don't normal people listen to both sides of the story before making a judgement or taking sides? It's quite sordid how I've been portrayed as the culprit and my W the innocent victim. And for people to buy, that just makes me sick.

The real truth will come out. I would suggest you not try "persuading" them with your version of truth. It will just make you look pathetic and petty. Remember, the real truth WILL come out.

Does it really though Vapo? Up until now, it seems to be that people tend to believe who ever plays the victim card. I'm still taking the high road here but frankly speaking it testing my very limits.

You have to start looking out for yourself. You have a ton of healing to do. Leave you W be for now, there is nothing you can do for her.

On it. That's the plan.