Round 2

[Tryin2figuritout]

LW - Peace is the word my man. There's back and forth but Peace is the word. My cousin has been on a M/D ride for a good 2+ years and she told me "I hope you find peace" as soon as we got to catch up.

I guess we're all sparring partners on this site. Get in some good work outs to keep up the strength, conditioning and skills.

Have a great one.

[JujuB]

Hi trying2 figure it out


I really feel for all you guys that went through this once only to be in the same situation years later.

You're back on here kicking yourself for not being exciting enough, or not being romantic enough, or not being happy enough and thus your spouse wants to leave again.

Truth is, life is mundane. We all have to work and raise kids and get through the daily grind. Marriage is about being a team and working as a unit when life isn't filled with excitement and highs. Many of these WAS, want something unrealistic and quite frankly that's on them. I'm just saying you can try and try and ultimately it's about them having unrealistic expectations and an inability to appreciate their own lives.

Focus on you and how great your life is right now. If she wants out that's her own path and search for non existing greener pasteurs.

[LW2381]

I truly agree with Juju on this one. Unrealistic expectations are a killer. Essentially, they hold you to a standard that is unreachable, and THAT IS ON THEM. It is not up to you to MAKE them happy.

[Tryin2figuritout]

JujuB,

Thanks for the support. No doubt there's an expectation situation here and I know that's on my W. I don't blame her as I want more out of our M, but the mundane can keep you in a fog.

Once that fog is lifted, you realize there's way more to life that you're not tapping into. Is it too little to late for my M, I have no clue and I'm not holding onto that.

LW - Learning quickly on the lack of responsibility to make the other happy. Not that I did a good job in the first place.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Had a great detachment item yesterday. The W was going to have dinner with her female co-worker who seems to be her greatest source of comfort these days. I was on my phone reading a self-help book (man, am I becoming addicted) and wanted to tell me something before she left.

I walked over, while still reading my book, and I could see she was upset. She said that she saw I had two coffee cups out for the morning, but she was spending the night at her friends house. I curtly said, "Oh, ok. Have fun." and walked off engrossed in my book.

What was great about this was I really felt detached when saying it. Yes, I purposefully said it curtly, but it felt very easy and relieving doing so.

After she left taking my D13 to a birthday party, I took my S10 to meet up with my Sister-In-Law, her kids and boyfriend for dinner / movie. Had a blast with my son and really enjoyed the night.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Yesterday was a bit of roller coaster and been waiting for it. The W and I took the munchkins to see Beauty & The Beast and had a fantastic time. We then went over to my FIL for Sunday dinner and things were good, but very heavy for my W.

She's consumed by guilt (her words not mine) on knowing she's disrupting our lives, our family's lives, our friend's lives, etc. This is where I do think the apartment/home schedule will be helpful to get some space to breathe.

We talked about it a bit before bed and I was extremely cautious in this discussion but firm. Trying my best to not explode on her with all my stuff and just listen, validate, support.

I felt like Sandi and 25 were playing their best Robot from Lost in Space on my shoulder because there were a few "Danger Will Robinson, Danger" moments. :-)

The W talked about taking all this in stages to keep our head's on straight. Apartment first, getting schedules down, etc. No paperwork, no financial, etc.

I said I was in no rush there. We need the space to breathe and let the dust settle. We need a number of weeks, a few months to just be before doing anything else and she was fine with that, but I can see her perspective is to take the steps for a D.

I said something to the effect of needing to understand the new norm (50% time with kids, financial impacts of splitting, etc.) and that is that what we want. She said its definitely not what she wants, but it might be what we have to do. She said is the right answer supposed to be that she just stays and I said no and that I know that's not how this works.

I stopped there because I was feeling "Danger Will Robinson" all over this. I knew no talk of my changes, being aware, doing things different would just set her off.

We spoke again this morning and about my emotions having been shut off for so long (my depression issues I'm working on). She said there's just so much hurt there for so long and I understand.

It turned into a playful discussion on our finances which was ridiculous. I said something about a million dollar idea that I should try and sell and she said, "well you just said this in our house, so that's community property buddy". I told her those profits were going to be stored in a mattress in my parents house for later, gave her a hug and a kiss on her head from behind.

This stuff gets strange from time to time. I see her tea leaves and I'm working at accepting knowing it doesn't change my path. Hope everyone has a great Monday (who am I kidding, I'm not sure there is anything as a great Monday).

[Tryin2figuritout]

Feeling weak today. The detaching has been so helpful to me, but can't help but want to be there for her in my "awakened" self.

I know she doesn't want me (new or old) right now and I know that might not ever change. Just seems so stupid to me to sign up for half-time with our wonderful kids, financial stress, etc. when there are so many good things about us.

Ladies, please know I'm not downplaying the hurt that I've caused or dismissing it. I'm glad I'm seeing these issues and understanding my part in it. Whether it's my poor listening skills, handling my depression, etc., I'll be a better man for all this with or without the W.

It just plain stinks when you finally see it all, but there's nothing you can do to correct the past except through current actions. Hard to swallow the bitter pill of "too little, too late".

Path forward remains the same, but getting sucked under today.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Realizing that I made myself too vulnerable on Sunday which set me up for a bad day yesterday. Back at trying to be on top of the waves today instead of pulled under.

Looking for advice on financial situation. Since this ain't our first rodeo, we essentially have separate finances. All of our savings are in one account and I know we'd ultimately split if D happens.

I've spoken before about cake eating and wanting to minimize that and it's really on two fronts: 1) time with kids and 2) finances.

We're going to be splitting an apartment starting in a few weeks with one parent home with kids and other parent at apartment. She's wanting it to be pretty open at the house with the kids, but I know I'm going to have to hold firm on scheduled time (W not intruding on my time w/ kids).

On Finances, I make more than her and pay all bills. She's already agreed to pay for the apartment (she just went back to work in September). Her income has been there to help offset grocery spending, paying down CC debt and household spending.

I'm looking at doing the calculations for child support and trying to incorporate this "new life" in with our separation.
What I mean is, she should pay for her car note, portion of home expenses (house payment/apt wash), and her expenses (such as gas, groceries, etc.).

Ultimately, if we start the D process, we'll end up here and maybe it's a bit of damned if I do, damned if I don't or even 6 in one and half a dozen in the other.

Does anyone have advice on pushing this financial split while in separation vs. waiting for D processes? This is not some real spiteful action I'm trying to take here, but more prevention of cake eating and protecting myself.

Would this do more harm than good in forcing this agenda before we've actually brought up attorneys and D?

[Dawgs]

Does anyone have advice on pushing this financial split while in separation vs. waiting for D processes? This is not some real spiteful action I'm trying to take here, but more prevention of cake eating and protecting myself.

Would this do more harm than good in forcing this agenda before we've actually brought up attorneys and D?

I would seriously talk to an atty before doing this. Protect yourself.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Jeep,

I have talked to our attorney from the last time. He said we should consider documenting the financial splits when/if we separated physically. Community property state and no concerns on 50/50 custody, so there's really nothing to split but the numbers.

My deal is on the cake eating. Just trying to minimize.

Trying