Struggling

[Tryin2figuritout]

I guess my last question is.... How long do you implement these techniques and pine away for your wife until you are a chump and a doormat?

Jim,

The real objective is to stop pining and start living. In other words, work on yourself and let your wife go on her journey. It's a lot easier said than done.

Jim,

Sorry you're here, but this is good stuff from Doodler. Pining gets you nowhere and definitely makes you unattractive to your W.

Also, all of this is so much easier said than done. You'll go through stages, phases, ups and downs, but this place is a good place to vent, seek advice and even pine.

We're all in different sitch's but all here for you.

Trying

[Jim1234]

I'm hoping to get some group input on something that happened yesterday....

For those who haven't read the whole thread, my wife's moving out imminently.

I have been doing a 180 by disengaging. We have a large open floor plan, where the kitchen, family room, dining area, are all one big open space. I spend a lot of time hanging out there, eating, reading, watching TV, playing on my laptop, etc. She has complained that I'm always there, and even when I'm not, she says my personality so dominates the space, that it's like I'm there even when I'm not. So I disappeared. Spending a lot of time out of the house at the gym, going out with friends or walking the neighborhood, and a lot of time in our master bedroom suite. Also, usually, I would stick my head into my wife's room and say "Hi", or "good morning", let her know if I'm going out, where, when, etc, or inviting her out when I arrange to meet our friends. No more. I leave without telling her I'm going, don't invite her to join us, don't seek her out to talk, and end the conversation first by leaving, but I'm pleasant when we talk. This has been going on for little more than a week.

Yesterday, I just got in the car to leave for the gym, and she came out of her room into the garage and crossly asked "what's the matter with you? You can't even tell me you're leaving? Why are you so angry at everyone?" I suggested we go inside and talk. I calmly explained that I've had a lot of time to think, and realized I've been a lousy listener. I've realized that I tried to give her what I wanted in our marriage, which was more time together, more physical affection, and less space, instead of what she was telling me she wanted, which was more space, less physical affection.

I told her I finally heard a lot of what she was telling me, and I was trying to give it to her. She replied that she was still leaving, and then the conversation just ended.

I'm not sure what to think, but I keep thinking I should not have put it in terms of "hey, I finally understand what you were asking for", but "hey, I'm doing these things for me."

Thoughts?

Thanks

[Dawgs]

I'm not sure what to think, but I keep thinking I should not have put it in terms of "hey, I finally understand what you were asking for", but "hey, I'm doing these things for me."

Doesn't matter one way or another. It is what it is. She is on her own road, and her road only has room for her. That's all.

So, for you, the best thing to do is not worry about her and what she thinks and all, because its irrelevant. Take care of yourself.

Remember the butterfly???????????????

[OwnIt]

I saw someone else post this, but it looks like you are doing the 180s for her and not for you and that you are looking over your shoulder to see if she is noticing. You have to stop that. It takes time. While it seems better if they stay, you can't force her to do so. All you can do is to work on you and detaching and not allowing your every thought to be dominated by her actions.

That said, sounds like you have a good idea of what to do and need to keep doing, but more. I think that while validating is necessary, you don't want to over-apologize and take all the blame. You can validate without doing that.

[Jim1234]

I saw someone else post this, but it looks like you are doing the 180s for her and not for you and that you are looking over your shoulder to see if she is noticing. You have to stop that. It takes time. While it seems better if they stay, you can't force her to do so. All you can do is to work on you and detaching and not allowing your every thought to be dominated by her actions.

That said, sounds like you have a good idea of what to do and need to keep doing, but more. I think that while validating is necessary, you don't want to over-apologize and take all the blame. You can validate without doing that.

You are partially right about doing the 180 for her. The working out, distancing, and GAL I'm doing for me, but I am hoping she notices, and changes her mind. I appreciate the tip about over apologizing. That's the kind of insight I'm asking for.

And Jeep74, I appreciate your insight as well, but I can't remember what the butterfly is about

[EastTN]

Just curious, but you keep mentioning giving her support, and at the same time talk about her putting her paycheck in a separate account. Is this child support, or spousal support you're talking about? If it's spousal support, why?

[Jim1234]

Just curious, but you keep mentioning giving her support, and at the same time talk about her putting her paycheck in a separate account. Is this child support, or spousal support you're talking about? If it's spousal support, why?

Beyond paying the lion's share of our bills, I am not yet giving her any financial support, but I found out I was incorrect when I said her pay is going into a different account (she actually didn't receive a paycheck last week, which is what confused me).

The decision in the original support conference was vacated because she had 60 days to move out and didn't. She's going to have to drag me back there to get a new ruling on child and spousal support for when she moves out. Since the first conference, my pay's gone down about 20%, through no fault of mine, so she's not going to get as much as in the first conference.

Does that clear it up?

[Dawgs]

And Jeep74, I appreciate your insight as well, but I can't remember what the butterfly is about

Very simple yet very, very hard.

What happens if you squeeze a butterfly in your hand? It kills it, right? Think of your marriage/relationship/wife as the butterfly. If you squeeze it to hard to keep it from flying away, it will kill it - just like the butterfly. The best thing you can do is open your hand and let the butterfly fly away. Yep, let it go. You can provide a safe space for it to return if, and that's a big IF, it decides to return. Most likely it won't. But if it did and your opened hand isn't safe, it won't alight. Period. And to make your hand a safe place, that means work on you.

In other words, let your wife go. No easy way to say it. Leave her alone. Everything. She may/may not come back...but that's not up to you. The marriage is dead and gone - however, the possibility (DO NOT construe this as FALSE HOPE which is so readily spread here) of a completely new one does exist if conditions are right. Just live as if she doesn't exist.

[Jim1234]

In other words, let your wife go. No easy way to say it. Leave her alone. Everything. She may/may not come back...but that's not up to you. The marriage is dead and gone - however, the possibility (DO NOT construe this as FALSE HOPE which is so readily spread here) of a completely new one does exist if conditions are right. Just live as if she doesn't exist.

Thanks, I needed that.

[Jim1234]

I am in the process of separating our bank accounts, and my paycheck has gone into my new account, so my wife has walking around money, but no access to the two thousand that she needs to pay the contractor fixing up her new house. This afternoon she was talking like she needs money to pay the contractor. My first thought is to tell her no f%#@ing way, but I'm asking the cooler heads on the board for input....