HaWho and OwnIt...thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. Everyone had been saying to simply assume that the PA was true, but I guess it is still a shock to the system.
Last night I was able to speak with a close church friend and came to the conclusion that I needed to find out who "I" am at this point in my life. I feel that I have been known as ____'s husband or so and so's father, but I have kind of lost my own personal identity. I have always focused on being the best son, the best husband, the best father, or the best friend I could have been, but I feel that I need to simply put all of them into God's hands and strive to be the best man that I can be period.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I'm having to sit thru an online court ordered co-parenting course that is required in TX for divorcing couples. This is total BS and not at all family friendly. In the first 10 minutes it has stated several times how well children do thru a divorce. What a crock of BS.
I have an appt this afternoon with my attorney to counter alot of what the W has put into her paperwork. Doing what I don't want to do, but am having to do.
A friend suggested the other night kind of the same thing many here say...he said to tell her that I love her very much and because I do I will let her go. His point was that she will either fly with this OM or find out that the grass isn't greener, but at least I won't be waiting for her to change. Kind of what everyone has said I guess.
Wish me luck.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
That parenting course sounds like hell on earth. No such thing (I don't think) in the UK. Kids don't cope well in any break up and it will scar them for later life.
Good luck with the legal eagles!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Ok the parenting course stunk and the visit with my attorney was painful, but I've got this.
A it of an ego booster...my attorney kept saying that I should start thinking about dating or getting out there a bit. She said that I'm a good looking guy and have a great deal to offer a good woman. While I'm sure she was just building me up a bit, but it sure was nice to be complimented. It's been too long.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Hi SBJ, Here we have to do 5 hours in person parenting class, split over two days, or the courts won't hear your divorce petition.
Funny story: this was initiated by the judge who oversaw my ex inlaws custody battle over exh. This judge literally saved my exh's life when he was a teenager and going down a very bad path. She had him come to her chambers every single day after school for months while she tried to decide what was the right thing to do for him. She was an amazing woman. My exh called this the "ExMIL and ExFIL Memorial Parenting Class" ... my son teased him several times - "Gee dad, don't you think this rule is in place because of Grandma and Grandpa?"
Well, I guess you have to have a dark sense of humor to find it funny. We all think it's hysterical ... laughing through our tears, I guess.
Anyway, that parenting class for me was pivotal in understanding why my husband is the way he is. He was the parentified child. He was used as a weapon. He never saw his parents make up, only fight so he only learned to avoid fights or to go in for the kill. I wept through most of it. At the end the teacher said she was sorry it was so hard for me. She thought I was crying for my son. The entire class was shocked when I told them that I was crying because this class taught me that the child whose parents did all the wrong things grew up to be my husband and that's why I was there now. I think some of the people who texted through the entire class maybe learned something from that. I hope so anyway.
SBJ - yes, kids are resilient, but divorce will change them. You're right, but at the same time you know that what kids need most is to know that they are loved no matter what, that this isn't about them and that you are going to do everything possible for them. You are a great dad. Just keep being a great dad and know that regardless of what part of the deep end your wife is swimming in or who she's with, you will be co-parenting with her.
And yes, I am a person who went through this divorce process telling my exh exactly that, "I don't want this but I love you and want you to be happy. I don't believe in divorce. I don't believe our marriage cannot be saved but I love you enough to give you what you want. If you want this divorce, it's up to you to make it happen. I won't stop you but I won't stand in your way either."
Did it save my marriage? No. What I think it did was give my exh many opportunities to pause. He dithered for a good while. That approach really took him aback, which was good. It gave me a chance to DB during the time that we went through mediation. Most importantly SBJ, it gave ME the chance to figure out what it was that *I* wanted. I realized a lot of things by coming at this from the most loving place I could.
I strongly encourage you to say that to your wife and watch what happens - both with your wife and for you, internally.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
A it of an ego booster...my attorney kept saying that I should start thinking about dating or getting out there a bit. She said that I'm a good looking guy and have a great deal to offer a good woman. While I'm sure she was just building me up a bit, but it sure was nice to be complimented. It's been too long.
SBJ--I think she was hitting on you!!!
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Anyway, that parenting class for me was pivotal in understanding why my husband is the way he is. He was the parentified child. He was used as a weapon. He never saw his parents make up, only fight so he only learned to avoid fights or to go in for the kill.
bttrfly, I guess since she an I have always co-parented well together it didn't help me much. On the other hand, now that you mention how her past might have been formed from the way her parents were with her that kind of makes since. My W is a great mom, but lacks communication skills with me...more than likely as a result of her parents marital issues and divorce.
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
And yes, I am a person who went through this divorce process telling my exh exactly that, "I don't want this but I love you and want you to be happy. I don't believe in divorce. I don't believe our marriage cannot be saved but I love you enough to give you what you want. If you want this divorce, it's up to you to make it happen. I won't stop you but I won't stand in your way either."
Did it save my marriage? No. What I think it did was give my exh many opportunities to pause. He dithered for a good while. That approach really took him aback, which was good. It gave me a chance to DB during the time that we went through mediation. Most importantly SBJ, it gave ME the chance to figure out what it was that *I* wanted. I realized a lot of things by coming at this from the most loving place I could.
I strongly encourage you to say that to your wife and watch what happens - both with your wife and for you, internally.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
I did say that to her and got little to no response. She is still in a fantasy world as to having a life with this OM. I cannot change what she does or wants, but like you I am trying to find out what I want. She will either click one day or she won't, but I have to find out who I am again and just enjoy "MY" ride with my kids now. I do love her and miss having her in my life...she truly was my best friend and the love of my life, but we all make choices and have to live with the consequences of those choices.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
SBJ--I think she was hitting on you!!!
Gord, I think she was just building me up. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but she is a pro-marriage family law attorney. She and I agree that God can heal a marriage, but both parties have to actually want to save it. My W is still wrapped up in her fantasy and thinks her Utopian Life is just on the other side of signing the D papers.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Gord, I think she was just building me up. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but she is a pro-marriage family law attorney. She and I agree that God can heal a marriage, but both parties have to actually want to save it. My W is still wrapped up in her fantasy and thinks her Utopian Life is just on the other side of signing the D papers.
Just joking with you...you gotta laugh sometimes, right? Actually my D attorney also does marriage retreats through church, etc., so I get that.
Utopian life life is just on the other side of signing the D papers. Yeah, I sadly get that too.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I think my biggest issue with divorce is allowing the state into my relationship with my children. I think this is why I have avoided anything formal and have no intention of ever filing for divorce. My youngest is almost 14. I could see letting this sit for years if he doesn't push it. I think once the kids are out of the house and we are signing a piece of paper about property it doesn't have the same emotional impact for me. I am not sure how I would handle a court-ordered parenting class. I can see the benefits in some cases, but in SBJ's I can see it also doing more harm than good.
