So Confused and Conflicted (6)

[25yearsmlc]

Wsh

how are the GAL going now? I realize you have said you are working out and that's great. But I'm asking you what you are Doing for GAL and how detachment is going - b/c that's all we can ask you - as it is all you control.

It's not a criticism to ask. BTW, I don't think letters to your w (about anything)
are going to help you.

It's more pursuit and it's more arguing with her about why she should take you back,

without you Doing what she needed you to do (and which you also want to do. NOT just b/c she wanted you to do it and now you feel that it's a good tactic)

But things you want to work on for your own happiness.

One question just occurred to me. If your w really needed you to do things that you don't want to do, things that are outside your comfort zone OR to give up something that you don't want to give up

what then?

Do you see value in getting out of your comfort zone or is it something you'd only like to do if it's "required"?

In other words, do you see value in these things, independent of winning her back?


IS a part of you resisting joining/volunteering/traveling, etc, b/c you don't have a guarantee of outcome,

or b/c you just don't want to? I'm sincerely asking. You don't have to answer here. I hope you will give this some thought.

[Bdog37]

Hey 25yearsmic,

Love your insight and your quote on forgiveness being our way out of hell.

Yes, I know you are not saying affairs are ok or justifying them in anyway shape or form. I understand that you are just trying to convey to Wsh, what we all are saying, and that is to focus his attention on himself. To get out and GAL and stop focusing all his attention on her.

This is all great advice and is exactly what he needs to do. I personally am very grateful I found this site and was able to use the same advice from everyone's posts to help cope with my own sitch.

Look, if you are here you are hurt. You do not understand what is going on and why your S is doing this to you. IMPO, I have learned early on that the advice given here is NOT to save your M. It is simply to save yourself from your M.

I was not in a good place when my W left. Crying, not eating, not sleeping, having horrible thoughts of suicide. I thought my life was over. I thought my world was crumbling down on top of me and there was nothing I could do about it.

Then, I came here. I started reading and I discovered that almost all of the WAW or WAS's have so much in common and that the LBS's also share so many similarity's in their sitch's that I realized I was not alone. That there have been many before me that were/are in the same sitch as me and the techniques they have discovered here have helped them move past relying on their M's to make them happy. This was my 2x4.

I started using what I learned here, not to save my M, but to save myself. In the past I relied too much on my M for my happiness. That is who I identified as when in social circles. That is all I have known for the past 16 years of my life. I became comfortable with that person and never in a million years thought that would change. So I am grateful that this site has taught me to love myself and become who I want to be as an individual and not someone who is just "her husband". IMO, it has helped me become a much better person/father than I ever was and has also helped me get past my own personal demons.

I also become ok with the fact that my W wants a divorce and I now look forward to the future. I know that I was not perfect in our M, and I will be forever sadden that it didn't work out, but I am stronger now and more confident than I ever was before and that I will be ok. Life goes on. I have my own identity now that I am proud of, thanks to this site and everyone on here.

Since I have seen that a lot of our sitch's are so similar, I reacted to a post that Wsh had said in regards to his experience. He simply put that his W was acting like it was him who cheated on her. This is also the same with me and my current sitch. I still get this on a daily basis. I used to cry when my W would say horrible things like this so I am sure Wsh hurts inside when his W tells him the same things. However, again, the things I learned here has helped me move past that. I just wanted to let him know that this was something common that they do and part of me believes it is to help them move past their guilt of betraying their spouses. The other part agrees with you in that they do this to justify their actions.

However, I am sorry, but I will no longer allow my W to place blame on me for her A. I am not trying to keep score or deflect the blame back on her. I am just simply standing up on my own 2 feet. I most likely never would have if I did not get out and work on myself. I probably would still be sitting here crying over the things she was saying to me.

IMPO, I think this is what Wsh needs to do as well. He can validate her feelings all he wants, understand why she chose to do what she did, but I also think he needs to realize that it is not all his fault. It takes 2 to make a M work and she stopped working on the M long before the A.

I only hope that detaching and GAL helps him as much as it has helped me and so many others on here for that fact.

I also want to thank you personally for all the kind words and insight you have offered me. Being that you are a veteran here I read your posts very carefully and thank you for taking the time to help others where you can.

[Dawgs]

However, I am sorry, but I will no longer allow my W to place blame on me for her A. I am not trying to keep score or deflect the blame back on her. I am just simply standing up on my own 2 feet. I most likely never would have if I did not get out and work on myself. I probably would still be sitting here crying over the things she was saying to me

I see what you are saying. Blame for an affair can only be placed in one place...And that isn't the cheated on spouse.

[OwnIt]

SAL, thank you so much for this. It has brought me great peace today.

[Bdog37]

Hang in there OwnIt. Spent the last few hours reading your sitch and I'm sorry that you find yourself here. However, I'm glad that you did. There are so many wonderful people and tools here that will help you grow with or without your H.

[Dawgs]

^ This. This place has helped me tremendously.

[MoveFrwd]

I started using what I learned here, not to save my M, but to save myself.

The secret is that the steps to do one are exactly the same as the steps to do the other.

[WshIKnw]

SAL, I suspect the reason you have to deal with your wife's hate daily is because you have kids. My friend's exwife is the same way towards him. My wife has cut off almost all contact with me. We don't have kids, and therefore, she has no need to talk to me. Won't respond to anything I say to her, or answer my phone calls. She will respond to things if they are important and not about the relationship. And her responses are as short as possible. She came over for her mail last weekend. I was happy that she did not appear at all mad at me, and was quite nice. But she was very quick to leave. Left after about 15 minutes.

[Bdog37]

Hey Wsh,

Quite possibly, but on days she is with him I don't hear from her at all. It is only on her scheduled days with the kids that she decides to contact me in regards to the D situation and everything else. Like she is coming back to reality...

Just out of curiosity, are you calling her often? Are these calls necessary and are you still talking about the R when you do call her?

Next time she comes for the mail leave the house. Go for a walk, go to your friend's house, go for coffee, go to the store, go to your parents house, go anywhere, but just leave. Kindly advise her, via text, that you left her mail in the mailbox and she can go pick it up. Be courteous, but brief and if for some reason she asks about your whereabouts just tell her you are busy. Don't be mean about it, but don't go into a long explanation on what you are doing. Just keep it short and end any convo by telling her to have a good day. Don't be so available for her.

It is wonderful that she was being quite nice, but still seems like you were expecting more. Sounds like you were a little disappointed that she didn't stay long to chit chat? Lower all your expectations with her and refrain from being the one to initiate contact.

[WshIKnw]

I almost never call her, but I started messaging/texting her almost daily, about a week ago. I've gone back to apologizing and trying to convince her things, stuff like that. I think this site saves people. I'm not sure there is much success here with saving marriages, though. I don't plan to keep contacting my wife, but there are things that I want her to know. And I have gone very long periods of time barely talking to her. Also the DB coach a month or so ago advised me to contact her, even though everyone here seems to think no contact is always the best choice.

When she came for her mail last time, I thought about doing a 180, and leaving her mail outside and leaving the house, and I actually did just that. It tore me up to do it, because I wanted to see my wife so badly. I talked to my mom, and she convinced me to go back. I was kind of glad that I did because my wife had been very mad at me lately, and I was glad to see that she was no longer mad, and was very nice and respectful.

If I refrain from contacting her, then we probably wouldn't talk at all for at least a month.