This has been so long coming that I found acceptance pretty quickly. She took herself away from me bit by bit over the whole year. By the time that she actually put it into words I had already come to grips with it and it wasn't even a surprise.
A lot of times things are done to ease one into that frame of mind...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
She took herself away from me bit by bit over the whole year.
Lex23,
I think you hit the nail on the head. It seems like the typical process for the spouse that wants to leave the marriage is to whittle away the marriage over a long period of time. And I think that's what makes divorce busting so hard; the process is so slow that you don't realize what's happening until it's too late. If we could really understand very early in the process that we just have to ignore the spew and nonsense and build a life for ourselves (aka GAL), then I think a lot more of us would save our marriages. But, saving the marriage has its own price; you may have to limp along with someone who's unwilling to grow.
She took herself away from me bit by bit over the whole year.
Lex23,
I think you hit the nail on the head. It seems like the typical process for the spouse that wants to leave the marriage is to whittle away the marriage over a long period of time. And I think that's what makes divorce busting so hard; the process is so slow that you don't realize what's happening until it's too late. If we could really understand very early in the process that we just have to ignore the spew and nonsense and build a life for ourselves (aka GAL), then I think a lot more of us would save our marriages. But, saving the marriage has its own price; you may have to limp along with someone who's unwilling to grow.
I think you are on to something, Doodler. However, that window is marginally small as it is...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
However, that window is marginally small as it is...
Jeep,
You're probably right. If the spouse is intent on sabotaging the marriage, they're not going to change until they address their own issues.
Doodler,
Possible. When they want out, they want out.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I bet I have a story that this site has never heard before.
Last night I had a good opportunity where the kids were in bed early. I decided it was time to let her know that I know about her online affair. She denied it at first but when I pressed her a bit she admitted that it had been going on all year. Then she tried to dodge responsibility for it but I pointed out that it was an affair and that it was wrong. I pointed out that no matter what I did, it could never justify it. I made it clear that I will not live this way and that if she wanted to leave me then she was free to go. She then accepted responsibility and agreed that it was wrong. She said that if it was ok, she wanted to finish the final picture that she was working on of him because she had a lot of hours in and when finished it was going to be a good promotion for her art because it was linked to a movie and going to be on the movie site. She said if she could finish that then she would stop all contact and stop making art for him. I agreed to this.
Then she said to me, "now that this is in the open do you have anything to tell me?" I said that I did not and that I was faithful for this whole year and all the time. she said, "you don't have anything to tell me about what's been going on?" I asked for her to just come out with it. I did not know what has been going on. After quite a bit of coaxing, she said that people had been communicating with daily her via her twitter feed and that they knew everything that she was doing. She said that she thought I was behind it. She said that she thought it was like a Truman show situation where someone was watching her, perhaps for entertainment. I was caught totally off guard but I managed to keep my composure. I assured her that not only was I not behind this but that she knew from our 19 years together that I do not like reality shows and that I would never participate in one. after some more reassurance, she said that she believed me. I validated all her concerns and asked her to show me some examples of the picture communication. she showed me one picture that was a bit specific to her situation but could easily be a coincidence. I asked to see more but she said she did not save any more pictures. she told me about how she would be doing things in the house and then art of the same things would appear in the twitter feed. she said that she had also heard voices once telling her to go to bed when she was up late painting but that no one was there. She said that once the twitter feed was trying to compel her to paint a witch doctor and when she painted something else she thought that someone might be using laughing gas on her and that she had to resist very hard in order not to paint the witch doctor painting. she wanted me to check the space beside our house for signs of tampering. She also said that once S4's blocks had been arranged to spell her artist name. I validated her some more and then asked her to show me in the future when these things happen. However, after some more talking where she said she suspected maybe the CIA was behind it, she agreed that the best move was not to participate. we ended up talking about this for over an hour. She agreed to take a break from twitter for a while. we talked some more about our past and had a good rest of the night. she came to bed with me for the first time in two months. she rubbed on me and we ended up spooning and falling asleep. Then when I got to work this morning she called me and we talked about pleasant things. she never calls me at work unless she needs something.
WTF! She was not kidding me. she has always been very poor at lying. her commitment to this was total. if she was lying then it was a masterpiece of lying.
So I am sitting at work now with my mind a bit blown. I have zero expectations but I do feel pretty good this morning. I won't be surprised at all if she falls back into hating me.
How do I proceed from here? was I right to validate her? I'm pretty much planning to go with the flow for now and see what happens next.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Lex23, you are right...I have never heard anything like that before! Everyone is watching her like the Truman show? Your life is a secret reality show...and you are behind it all? Voices in her head? Like Jeep, I have only sympathy for you...not sure I have any advice...that is really, really, REALLY out there...focus on yourself, on being the best Lex23 you can be...really not sure what to do about the W, hopefully there are vets who do...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
She said that the 2 months sleeping in separate rooms helped her with some of the sadness she had been feeling.
She said the Truman show situation has been going on for almost 3 months. I know that for most of February she painted all night, every night and used energy drinks to stay awake. I think she might have slept even less than I expected that month. Just brief naps during the day.
