Dealing with Devastation

[WshIKnw]

In my opinion, you should keep doing what you're doing, because it seems to be moving you in the right direction.

With my wife, the worst thing (post bomb-drop) was letting her get mad, which was done by defending myself when she would attack me. Her anger fueled her ability to leave me. And she would intentionally make herself mad and hateful so that she wouldn't hurt about what she was doing and what she had done. She would get into these awful screaming tirades, and become just super nasty. I believe it was her own guilt leading her to act like that. I feel sorry for her. But it was a huge mistake to let her get mad, because it just helped her build her wall so much bigger each time it happened. I don't know whether your wife is like that or not, but watch out. Instead of defending myself, I should have just said something like, "that's terrible that you felt that way", or something, anything other than disagreeing with her, and especially not blaming her, even if you believe it's her fault. Save blaming her for later when she's back to being a rational human being again.

My wife was "wayward", though (if you aren't familiar with that, that's Sandi's term for a walk-away wife who is leaving you for someone, or an idea of someone, or just a desire to go wild). Your wife doesn't strike me as wayward. You don't describe her as being terribly different than she usually is, other than having a wall. She may have just left to take a break for a while. It's a lot harder to get them back when they have their mind on someone else.

My wife treats me like I'm the one that cheated, and she's the innocent one, when it's the other way around (other than the non-cheating things that I did, like not making her feel special and cherished, being lazy, not being more enthusiastic about going out and socializing, etc.).

[giftd]

That's an awful thing to go through Wsh. I'm fairly confident now that there is no one else but her relationship with her boss made me wonder initially.

I am trying to keep everything positive enough. She did text a bit after leaving saying she finished a book and suggesting one for me. She also said that she liked that we talked and felt we were strengthening our friendship, she has some questions she wants to ask but feels "tapped out" right now. I told her to give me a call when she's ready to talk again. I also made it clear that I'm ok being friends now but I'm not closing the door on anything for our future to essentially say I won't be "friend-zoned". There's lots of positives I take away in the immediate aftermath but then later I remember I'm still here, she's still there, and she's still not "in love" with me.

Counseling tomorrow for the first time since these two meetings. Hoping to get something from that.

[Dawgs]

felt we were strengthening our friendship,

I also made it clear that I'm ok being friends now but I'm not closing the door on anything for our future to essentially say I won't be "friend-zoned". There's lots of positives I take away in the immediate aftermath but then later I remember I'm still here, she's still there, and she's still not "in love" with me.

Do you think she is setting you up for buddy status? Or that, in her mind, she already has you labeled as that? What if she is, then what?

[giftd]

After talking with my counselor today it's clear to them that she still has feelings for me from her actions, but that she isn't capable of anything more than friends right now. I have to play the game and keep working on GAL to stay interesting enough that she will want to be with me when she gets through her stuff (and obviously to be a better person for myself). She's holding a lot of resentment right now and doing revisionist history. Getting to counseling together will really be the only time I can be sure the history gets worked out and until then I'll work under the Dr. Gottman idea of it takes 5 good things to fix a bad one. I can't change the past but learn from it moving forward. If she mentions friends I have to find a way to remind her that this is a step for me not the end goal, without placing pressure on her. How I do that? I dunno.

Short term goal is to have a date (even if we don't call it that) by my birthday on the 18th. 3 weeks from now. She will have been alone at the work apartment for ~2.5 weeks at that point.

[giftd]

Venting session-
So at a friend and counselors recommendation I read "men are from mars women are from venus". Got some communication things from it that applied to me, felt down a bit from the last meeting because of her feeling like I was responsible for her giving up her hobbies. Obviously this was her decision, but there are reasons she felt the way she did, right or wrong. I see how I contributed and the book said to write a structured letter and read it to the other person. I had to call on Wednesday (two days after our face to face meeting) and figure out some insurance things so I wrote it, talked it over with a friend and read it to her.

The timing was bad, it was after she had just got done work (I didn't know) but she listened and thanked me for reading it. Asked about the animals and a couple small talk questions and answered mine about the insurance. At first I felt better, she didn't say anything about it but she listened and I acknowledged her feelings and told her mine. I loved her hobbies, felt it was important for her decompressing from working absurd hours (but I didn't tell her that part). An hour later I felt like crap. Contact, even with the positive momentum I've found lately leaves me wanting more and empty when it's over.

I found out she is selling her personal car (it's in her name) and just using the work car while she lives down there. She offered to let my roommate (our friend) buy it but he declined. He asked what she would do for personal trips and she said she isn't making many so it won't matter. This bothered me more than it should. Feels like she is still purging, like she was cutting off her escape route. Not sure how to approach these types of situations because I'm looking too much into it and obviously need to detach. I just can't. If I wake up strong I feel terrible by the end of the day or vice versa.

I know that I have made progress from a month ago, I just know that I've made changes to myself that I needed to. I plan to keep with them and be consistent. But it's the fact that this isn't guaranteed, that it isn't tit for tat. She might not be working on herself at all. Just wears on my mind. She's worth the pain and bad days, just hard to do when I'm home alone. Roommate doesn't come back for 3 more weeks, trying to make friends is hard right now.

Have to call her tonight to ask her to stay at the house to watch the animals next weekend so I can go visit a friend 4 hours away. Driving 4 hours away is something I wouldn't have done and I need to get out of the house for a while. Just need to set my boundaries and see if she agrees. -End venting

[WshIKnw]

At least she will talk to you, and doesn't appear to have a replacement person in your way.

[giftd]

You're right, I still wonder about the emotional involvement with her boss but it's not something that has stuck out during any of her talks.

Called tonight, she didn't answer, she called back an hour later said she was on the phone with work still (3 hours after she left the actual store, that's a 12 hour day). Had a pleasant interaction, she said she can't watch the animals because she has to work (she could but she doesn't want to because it's a drive shes done many times before, but I didn't argue). She asked if she should ask one of our friends. I told her that's ok I'll figure it out (something she doesn't think I can do). She asked if I had ever driven to Vermont before, I said nope. She expressed that I should be careful driving through the mountains and I told her thanks for the concern but I've mapped it out. Told her about an incident with one of the rabbits and we talked jokingly for a few minutes, she laughed. She's going to see her grandfather who isn't doing well on Wednesday. I said I'd let her go since I'm sure she was tired from work. I asked if it's ever a good day when you have to work on sunday and she said it was a particularly bad day. I acknowledged that it must be frustrating and ended then ended the conversation.

So I maintained a positive tone, Got her to laugh and let her know the animals are taken care of, mentioned I was going to Vermont, she expressed some level of concern for me, offered her time with the animals and I was the one who ended the conversation before it dragged on too long. Best phone interaction yet. Just feels like there's so far to go before she figures her self out. I'll keep showing my changes, stay consistent. Baby steps... Patience...

"In order to win, you must expect to win" - Richard Bach

[giftd]

Texted her last night to ask if she wanted dinner since she was going to be in the area, she said "I doubt I can, but I'll let you know." I ended up taking some extra time at work and told her I had to cancel. I was pleasantly surprised when she replied with "What are you doing tonight?"

Texts were exchanged and I told her that her thesis professor had passed away, she's not good at noticing when these things happen. She thanked me. I called after work to see if she was still around because I was going to get dinner. She was but was too far away for dinner. I told her were I put the hide-a-key after she agreed to my boundaries at the house and she went to see the animals. I talked the whole 35 minute ride home with her having jokes and pleasant conversation like old times. She was still there when I got home. She saw I was taking care of the animals and the house was cleaned up, I'm trying to stay consistent with all these things.

She got visibly upset when she started to leave. Crying. Got very cold and short with some of her answers. I went out to the car 5 minutes after she had gone outside and she was still in her car crying, hadn't even started it yet. Got my stuff I needed and came back inside.

Her father called to check on me before all this. Talked about how he thinks she is having an identity crisis and is starting to miss "home". This isn't based off anything she's said, but her actions. All this gives me hope, she's chosen her work life over me and it isn't going well so far. I need to keep consistent and stay busy enough to have things to talk about. I'm happy with myself and the changes I've made, I'll find more opportunities to test them as I go. I still spend hours on the phone with my bet friend and mother just to keep myself from getting stuck in my head. I'm thinking of signing up for a cooking class at the community center, something I don't know how to cook well. I feel my confidence rising by the day, the warm weather next week should help.

[WshIKnw]

You seem to know what you're doing. I'd say good work. Keep it up.

[giftd]

So I went to Vermont to visit a friend, we exchanged some playful texts. Called her tonight to ask a question about the animals. We talked about my trip and joked for like 10 minutes before she got a call from a friend she hadn't talked to in a while. After an hour she called back because I said to if she had a chance.

Her tone changed significantly from the first call. I believe it was the first time she had told this friend she had moved out. I asked if she was ok and passed it off as something else. She said she is working 7 days a week coming up for the next 3 weeks at least, 12 hours a day. I told her I was sorry to hear that and she said "it's only temporary". I replied that I know, she told me she would be covering the last time we talked. This bothered her, trigger from something in the past. I apologized and we talked about the animals some. Conversation was short this time, only 5 minutes as she "had to go" to bring laundry up the stairs.

I'm frustrated because she isn't going to counseling anymore and is now working 80+ hours a week again. Time is my friend I suppose, she has to realize that her work isn't making her happy, just want to help her