Good to hear you are doing well. Activities are the best to stay positive. Have fun with your son, build memories, kids are very sensitive to the mood of their parents. Remember if mom is happy, kids are happy. My kids and their guests are starting to wake up, I better take the path to the kitchen... Have a great Sunday!
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
I took S on a road trip to visit my sister, her wife, and their son. We stopped along the way and spent the night in a charming beachside town to visit a beautiful aquarium. We had a wonderful time.
The visit with sister in law went well. I was surprised H didn't take any time off of work to spend time with her. Regardless, she didn't serve me with divorce papers (he still hasn't served me). She did have a long talk with him and she relayed it all to me.
None of it is really all that surprising, but there were some things that make me curious and I wanted to ask you all about.
First, he said he wanted to work on the marriage, but decided too much damage had been done. He said I could no longer trust him and because I outed him and what he had done he could no longer trust me. If this is how he feels, it is how he feels (personally, I think it is an excuse not to try - it is an easy way out to avoid the work), but what I don't understand is this: he has written in his emails to OW that when he married me he "settled" and he never wants to do that again. If he "settled" then why would he want to work on the marriage?
Second, he told SIL that he feels he can "help" OW with her life. When SIL asked, "like what a father would do?" He paused for a long time and finally responded no. What is interesting to me about this statement is he told me that he feels like she "needs" him while I don't "need" him. I have heard/read this theme in other people's sitches. What is this at it's core?
Third, he told SIL that maybe some time down the road we might reunited. Oh, boy, do I have some problems with this one. Not the least of which is the arrogance and assumptions behind this. For him to think that I would just wait around pining for him gets my goat. And another thing, he has repeatedly written to OW that he just "knows" they are going to get married and have a family, etc. blah, blah, blah. I don't get why he would write this to OW, but say something different to SIL. What in the world is going on? Is he just telling people what he thinks they want to hear?
Fourth, nearly every single day he would send me a text asking me how S ate and how he slept. That is all he would ask. Never asked how he was doing or what he was doing. I find this odd.
Fifth, he never mentioned to SIL about what about OW that made her so special. It was all about how she made him feel. He said he felt a "connection." Don't they all say that? There was no talk about how nice she is, how smart, how charming, fun, whatever. I found that interesting. It would seem to me a sign that he is looking to outside activities to fix inside problems, no?
Lastly, he told SIL that he thinks OW is in a rebound relationship. (OW and her b.f. have been together about a year now.)
I bring some of this up, partly because I have not dropped the rope completely, and partly because some of what he is saying helps me see the insanity in all this.
My biggest obstacle is my focus on H and OW reuniting. I really don't want that to happen. I don't know how I could handle that. There are a few LBS that have had to deal with this - how on earth do you do it. I could care less if he hooks up with anyone else. For some reason, it is this OW that bothers me so much. And I just can't figure out why.
Nonetheless, I am still moving forward and trying to work on me. Wherever this journey takes me, I feel like I am getting stronger every day.
Over all, everything he has told your SIL is MLC lingo.
First, they can't understand how we could forgive them for what they are doing and/or have done. They don't understand unconditional love. He got caught and you outed him. He can't trust you right now because he wanted to keep his little affair w/the ow a secret. To him, you can't be trusted...never mind the fact that he left you and your child and had an affair and continue to do whatever he's doing. So, to them, outing them is a huge deal and the affair part is just something that happened. Again, MLC lingo trying to justify why he's gone.
Second, he wants to be the knight that rides in on the white horse and rescues her. This is a very common theme for them because they want to be needed, adored and recognized for being the "savior" to the op. You don't need him because you aren't a needy, clingy individual...you are someone who can take care of herself and be independent. This is also MLC stinking thinking.
Third, yes, they think that we will be reunited at some point down the road. They think we'll be right where they left us and waiting by the telephone for them to call and say "hey, I want to come home". They are living in a very slow time warp and in our time warp, time doesn't slow down...we continue to move and evolve and yes, we change, our lives change and hopefully for the better. What the MLCer tells one person may differ w/the next one. They tend to switch up "masks" around different people. Yes, they tell people what they think that they want to here. Whether it's true or not, no one will know for sure.
Fourth, texting you is a way to stay connected to you. Maybe he is really interested in your son, but I suspect he's doing it to have that connection w/you or maybe he wants to appear to others as the good father checking up on his son. Again, mind reading isn't the best thing when dealing s/an MLCer.
Have you given any thought as to the fact that what he's telling your SIL is just exactly what he wants to get back to you?
My question to you is this...why is this particular OW bothering you so much? Do you know her personally?
I would suggest that you detach a bit more and allow that rope to drop a bit more. Why? Because he's still speaking the MLC lingo and trust me, we can't "assume" anything w/them when they are talking like this. Actions always speak better than words when it comes to the MLCer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Fight, I know how you feel. When I thank about skank #1 I get far more upset than any that have come after (and to be fair I only know about a 2 but assume others). We view this as the person who destroyed our marriage, but deep down we know that is not entirely the truth.
Job, how is it that everything you say is so wise and universally applicable?
OwnIt - Thanks for validating. I wish there was something more I could do to just "get over it." Part of my dread is knowing that she might be step parenting my son. I have a hard time with that.
Job - thank you so much for your insight. This board keeps me sane. A lot of what H said does sound like "excuses" and "justifications" to me. But I wasn't sure if perhaps my perception is skewed because of my emotional involvement.
Your insight about H telling SIL certain things knowing it will get back to me strikes a chord. It sounds like something he would do.
I have been pretty busy since coming back to work - catching up and all. It's a blessing and a curse.
H made another PA comment. He purchased S a camouflage jacket. When he pulled it out of the bag, in front of me and S, he snickered and said "Matthew, your mother probably hates that I got this for you. Hahahaha." I completely ignored the comment.
Yes, I hate the jacket, but not because it's camo. I hate it because of what it represents. H is former military and is encouraging (as much as you can with a 21 month old) to join the military. I do hate the fact that he is trying to push his preferences on S. He uses S to validate himself. S is just more narcissistic fuel for him and I really don't like that. H also projects onto me these types of feelings.
For example, he will comment "S, your mommy would LOVE it if you went to *** (my college) just like mommy did." Actually, I want S to go to the best school that suits him. "S, your mommy would LOVE it if you *** (played the sport I played)." Actually, I want S to do activities that HE enjoys.
It's really sad that he just can't own these feelings about himself. It's sad that he needs S to do the things H wants in order to feel good about himself. Really sad. It is so obvious to me what is happening, this is one area I have no doubts about.
I guess if he did own these feelings, that would mean he is taking a real long hard look at himself. And if I have learned anything, its that self reflection and MLC are like two repelling magnets.
H and I have run the numbers regarding our taxes and boy is he mad!!! If we file together we will owe. If we file separately, he will owe, I will not. He needs me to lower what he owes. Guess which option I have chosen? Sorry, Charlie.
I would be willing to compromise in some way, but he hasn't offered and I don't feel compelled to "fix" this issue for him by bringing it up. He is a grown man; he wants to fire me as his wife, then a consequence of that is he will have to figure this stuff out on his own. If he is too proud to ask for help, then that is on him.
We were audited a year ago because of all the IVF related medical expenses we deducted. At the time we were going through the IVF I told him that I knew we would get audited so I asked him to keep meticulous records for tax purposes. Did he? No. Has he learned his lesson? No. When going over things he just kept ball parking numbers. I told him that won't work; he needs to have documentation. How has he not learned his lesson?
I don't know if he is just being lazy, or if he is careless, or if he just plain stupid. I am sure his mind has been on his OW fantasies as well. I am very angry about this. This has been a recurring issue in our marriage - where I see he fails to learn from mistakes. He does nothing to correct or change his behavior. It's incomprehensible to me. I would love to know where this comes from; maybe then I could have more compassion or understanding. When I have talked to him about this he tells me my expectations are too high. The old saying is true, you can't change what you don't acknowledge.
It's stuff like this that makes me think reconciliation would be nearly impossible. There is so much resistance on his end to acknowledge his part or to even change.
You've tried to give him advice and he continues to ignore it. So, let the man swing and pay his taxes on his own. I do hope that the option you selected was to file separately and get money back.
You said it best...he fired you, so it's up to him to face the consequences of his actions, i.e., paying taxes. Let's face it, he's most likely relied on you for years and years to take care of things and he thought you would help him out of the tax situation...now he sees and feels (in the wallet) what it's going to be like now and in the future w/o your being there to rescue him and take care of things.
Leave him to stew in his pot of broth. He may or may not learn what to do about finances...right now...that's not your problem to solve for him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am feeling a little down this evening because my SIL just send a ton of pictures from her son and soon-to-be daughter-in-law's wedding shower. It looked like so much fun. I was invited, but didn't go. Partly because of the situation, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. I have fears/concerns/paranoia that eventually, that side of the family will cut ties with me. If H ends up with OW, there is no way they will continue including me. I was thinking maybe it's better to cut ties now and deal with the loss than to wait and deal with it on top of all the other inevitable losses.
Perhaps I am just borrowing worry from tomorrow. I do a lot of that since BD.
Seeing the pictures make me feel sad. I feel the loss of not being apart of the family I have known for nearly 20 years.
I am also sad when I think about all the memories my S will be making with them and I won't be included. There will be an entire � of his life I won't know and won't get to experience with him. Thinking of this makes me so sad. And angry.
I probably sound like a broken record to you all because I keep bringing up my S. This is the hardest part of all this. I really do wish H would have gotten that job 400 miles away. Then I wouldn't miss so much of S's life. What gets my goat is H has told me he never wanted S. And he certainly acts like that. How can he do something like this? I want to say that I don't understand , but I do, I just don't like the answer. I wish understanding made it easier and maybe it does, but I don't realize it.
You know, in all 21 months of his life, I have never spent a night away from him. Not one. How on earth will my heart manage?
I want to tell H what he is doing and how I am feeling. But I know it will fall on deaf ears. It's all about him. It would be an exercise in frustration.
Yet another update, so quickly after the last one, lol.
I have some things I need to get off my chest.
S woke up this morning with a terrible, deep cough. He has had a few days now, but this morning it sounded worse. I immediately called my parents and ask if they could watch him instead of taking him to daycare. I felt like he needed rest, which he won't get at daycare. At least at home I know he will be more apt to nap and nap longer without other children and activities around to tempt him.
As I was changing his diaper I was on the phone with my parents and H walks in. When I tell him my thoughts and what my plan was he balks. (By the way, my plans to keep him home do not effect him in any way. I am the one who drops S off and pick him up from daycare.) H then asks me, if I plan on keeping him home from school all week because it is unlikely that his cough will suddenly be gone by the end of today. In my head I was taken aback by this attitude.
First, keeping him home does not impact his day one bit. It changes absolutely nothing for him. I don't understand why he wanted to argue with me about this? Why pick a fight about this? I am at a loss for understanding. He was hostile and a little aggressive in his tone. I felt like I was being attacked and severely criticized for my decision.
Second, it saddens be a great deal that this is the type of parent he is being. Rather than allow S to stay home and get some rest, he would rather him go to daycare? I cried on the way to work thinking this is how H will likely parent S when I am not around. S will get sent to daycare or school because it is more convenient for H. This breaks my heart. It absolutely brings me to tears every time I think about this.
I am trying to be strong. I am trying to pray to God for more patient and understanding and compassion. I am trying to understand what exactly is the lesson I am suppose to be learning in all of this? What is it? Should I be detaching from S too? Is this something God would be telling me I need to do or is it something else?
Please take your son to the doctor. That cough doesn't sound good at all. Yes, keeping him home is the best way to do things, not only for your S, but also for the other children at daycare.
As for your h, he's not a happy man...so misery loves company and it doesn't matter whether your plans interrupt his or now. Also, what he was asking you about your S and daycare...this may have been the way that his parents took care of him. You have to keep in mind that their long term memory is far better than their short term one these days.
Again, I don't normally suggest that parents take their children to the doctor's office...but that cough doesn't sound good and could escalate into something more serious.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
