okay, this is going to be long but I want to get the best advice possible and feel I need to really get in depth about what has happened between H and I.
Last week, my husband dropped the "I'm not happy" bomb on me. he was sobbing, pouring out his heart to me. I can't exactly say it was a complete shock, because we have been having marital issues and have been seeking counseling, of which both of us have been happy going. but to me, the issues we were having were not "divorce worthy". just to give a brief background: H and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 9, I am 33 and he is 30. we can both admit that we are not the same people we married. we have grown personally. However, On my end, it hasn't changed my feelings for him or our marriage. We have grown apart to an extent; growing to like different activities, ideas and ways of thinking about certain subjects, but still have a moderate about of common interests. He took a job 4 years ago that requires him to work 7 days a week.
He CAN take weekends off (he can ask for them, sometimes they deny the request) but the money is so good and we are in a lot of debt so he hates asking for the weekends off. his father has worked at the very same company for 40 years, (7days a week) and so does his brother.
our issues started before he took this job, but I feel his job has made things worse, and we should have started seeing the warning signs sooner. fast forward to the bombshell- he is unhappy.
he feels we are no longer compatible in every area (this is includes sexually as well). he feels we have grown so far apart that he is unsure he will ever be able to feel the same way about me as when we were in our younger years of the relationship. he spends all of his time on social media, tv and movies, hardly looking up to even see what I am doing or engage in any conversation, to him, I nag, I dont make him feel like a man (which, to be honest, I have been extremely depressed and have had high anxiety which has caused me to be someone I am not, and I HAVE been seeking counseling for, and I HAVE improved, even he admits he has seen positive changes in me).
I am not going to pretend that I have been the ideal wife, because I have lacked. However he has not been the best husband he can be either.
i quit my job almost a year ago because it was high stress and my hours were opposite his, we saw zero of each other. we lost a lot of income but to me it was better than losing the marriage. I took the summer off, which he agreed could be good for me, but during the summer he had told me he was starting to feel some unhappiness, which then we started seeking counseling, and individual counseling for me for my issues. we both enjoy going and love our counselor. I got a part time job in october which allows me to work when hes working, so we can still have time to see each other. however the time we have together is spent arguing or buried in his phone or tv. he says he "loves me" but isn't "in love with me" anymore. he feels trapped, smothered, and depressed. He recently befriended another guy at work who is quite a bit younger than us (I am 33 and he is 30, friend is 25). this friend is engaged and H says that he wants the relationship that him and his fiance have. they are compatible, in love, do everything together and have few arguments.
I feel this is an unfair comparison, because these two are not even married yet, younger and have a lot of growing to do. I told him that this couple could be in the exact position we are in in 5 years, and he cant compare someone else's present relationship to ours. he feels that I don't let him go hang out with his buddies, or when he does, I make him feel guilty for going out. this is partially true- with him working 7 days a week its hard to get any quality time with him, (may I add he is also an on-cal firefighter and responds to calls when he isnt at work)so I constantly feel like I get no time with him, and when he wants to go out without me, I have a hard time accepting he would rather go out than spend the very little time he has with me- and yes, i know this is unfair to him, and I have let him know that I am aware that it is. since the bomb, he has sought out individual counseling appointment with our counselor. so have I.
I have been trying really hard not to beg or convince, although I have told him what I feel and what I think can happen if we try harder. he doesn't mind us sleeping in the same bed, doing things together, but has told me not to get offended that he isn't there for me physically- kiss, hug, cuddle etc. he said all the feelings are so raw right now that he is confused on what he wants.
i am trying very hard to give him that space but i take things so personally and because i am a physical touch person i feel like I'm just being rejected. we did get a little intimate one night this week, but was turned down several other times. he took the weekend off to hit a movie with me, we went to dinner, we did a little window shopping, and i noticed he spent a lot of money on everything which is very out of the norm for him. he is also testing our some small "honor and respect boundaries" that we set up prior to getting married- I'm 99% positive that there isn't another woman, however he has been talking about past "friends" that were girls, being a little disrespectful when it comes to other women (not hiding it when hes staring at other women in front of me, talking about other "hot women", and searching out inappropriate things on the internet) It's almost like he knows he's in a position of power right now, and he is using it to his advantage to do what he wants knowing I won't say anything for fear I might push him over the edge. this is not only unfair but immature and disrespectful.
i love him dearly- we have a lot of fond memories, no kids but animals we share and love. could this be an early onset of midlife crisis? could his demanding job and the pressure of a not so hot marriage be catapulting him into this very odd behavior?
I'm heartbroken, lost, and don't know whether to stay and weather this storm, or to separate for a bit. I am trying extremely hard to be open and peaceful, not nag and slap a smile on my face when I just want to cry, guard my heart when it comes to his inability to "be there for me right now" but I am in agony.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/20/1701:42 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sunmoon, I'm very sorry to hear the place you're in. Unfortunately things will get more difficult before they get easier. You're used to looking at life as being part of a team with your husband but the next stretch you're going to have to do on your own.
The shortest way back together is to immediately head in the opposite direction. You need to give him the space he wants, you need to be apparently completely fine with it, and you need to find a way for you to appear perfectly happy, content, and most of all fun.
That's a tall order right? That's the shortest way back.
It's like trying to quit smoking where every time you cheat, it just prolongs the whole process. You have to go cold turkey if you want to do it the fastest, although that is also the most painful.
Focus on you, be the better choice.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thank you Acc, this is actually something I have been considering. however, H has said he still wants to live together, sleep together, do things as a couple and work on things slowly, despite his fear that it's not going to work out. should I still try and "pull away" and let him be? I feel like if I do this, he will choose to divorce because now I'm not interested and its an easy out for him if i no longer act like I want to save what we have. I fear it will do exactly the opposite of what It would be trying to accomplish. I have asked him if he wanted me to back off and he said not necessarily, but he did say that he's not in any kind of place to be affectionate towards me because his feelings are still raw and confusing for him, and that ill have to accept that. to be honest, his behavior the last two days has reminded me of someone who is trying to revert back to their teenage/young 20's behavior; not the responsible, married man behavior. Its all so confusing for me, not to mention heart wrenching to watch and be the recipient of such behavior. this is what leads me to believe he is going through some mid life crap. hes only 30!
I feel terrible for your situation but see light in the darkness. Some quick thoughts:
1. I think you guys have different love languages and aren't emotionally connecting. You want quantity time and your H works all the time. You want physical affection and your H can't give it to you now, so you feel even more disconnected.
2. Your H may be thinking he is slaving for you and you don't appreciate his work. Further, you quit your FT job so now he is under even more pressure to provide for the family.
3. Despite his disrespectful actions, you don't think he is in an EA or PA. That is a much better position to be in. And he wants you to stay in the same house and bed. It sounds like you even recently ML.
4. It sounds like it is stressful when you guys are together. You are stressed. You nag. You initiate physical contact and he rejects you. Have you read the books? What you are doing now isn't working, so you need to try new things. Figure out what creates connection and then keep doing that.
5. Is there a reason why you don't have kids? If he wants them and you don't, it can be a contributing reason why he is physically rejecting you.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/21/1712:28 PM.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
First of all your best bet is to get a divorce busting telephone coach on this site, they're well trained and you can go into much more detail over the phone. If you can't do that for whatever reason, then the more sharing you can do the better.
A few thoughts for you:
First, you're part of this equation too, so don't let him call all the shots. What do you want? Do you want to live together, sleep together, do things as a couple and live in fear that it won't be good enough and he'll just suddenly leave? How is that going to feel longer term? Are you up for it? I'm sure it feels like the safest route, but is it?
What do people value more, that which is easily given, or what they have to work for?
A lot of the psychology goes back to high school. Are people attracted to people who fawn all over them and do whatever they want, or are they attracted to self confident people they have to work for?
If you strip everything else away, be true to yourself. What do you want? How do you want to conduct your life?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Gordie, thanks for you response. I intend on getting one of the books to read. My H knows I sincerely appreciate his hard work, i tell him all the time. I even tell him he doesn't have to feel like he has to work every day of the week, bills will always be there but time won't.
We have gone through the love languages thing several years ago, we are both very aware of what each others' needs are. during his bomb he told me that he's not sure he is capable of providing me with the things i require- physical touch part. he said he doesn't know why, he just isn't that kind of person. He is an acts of service person, so he wants me to keep the house clean, cook for him, etc. which i do a lot of, maybe not all the time but i try really hard to keep a clean home and healthy food in his belly.
his behavior the past few days has been extremely difficult to understand...very distant and cold one minute, then the next asking me a whole bunch of questions about what I'm doing and where I'm going, etc. this morning after I announced I was leaving for a while to go to my thing, he actually gave me a hug and a kiss. last night he wouldn't touch me.....
I'm trying my hardest to ride this wave with my head held high and a smile on my face but it is so difficult. as far as kids go....we just aren't ready to let go of our freedom yet. we are both on the fence. so, we are on the same page with that.
Thank you accuray. Yes, I am trying to figure out a way to be tactful about letting him know he doesn't get to control this situation. he came home from him counseling appointment last friday and said he's willing to work on things, but all I have seen is him pointing out all the negative aspects of our relationship, in a really passive aggressive way. I fear saying anything to make him mad at this point- just trying to listen and be open. counselor told me at my session that if anything to try and establish a sexual connection with him first- and THAT has even been difficult! so, today I decided Im going to distance myself. I told him I may or may not be home for lunch, let him know what he had available for him to eat and said I would text him if i wasnt going to be available.
