This is my first post here. I've read The Divorce Remedy as well as some of Michele's articles online, which led me to this community. I'd love to do some counseling, but with a separation looming, I can't do it right now. So I'm hoping to get some insight from those in the know. Like most people in this situation, I'm an absolute mess. My story is long but I will try to keep is as brief yet detailed as I can. Feel free to ask questions and I can provide info. I've been reading a lot of articles on this board and think I'm at the "going dark" stage of the game right now.
H and I have been married for 18-1/2 years, together for almost 20. He is 42, I'll be 42 this week actually. We have two daughters aged 10 and 12. Our oldest has ADHD and mild ASD (autism spectrum disorder, her particular level would be called Asperger's if it were still given as a dx). H and I both work in finance and have often worked at the same firms over the years. We have been best friends since the start. We don't fight per se, but we don't avoid it. We have arguments when we have to, and bicker occasionally about inconsequential stuff. We agree on the major things (children, finances, etc). Good relationships with both of our families. Both sets of parents are still married. No drugs or alcohol or physical/emotional abuse. My husband's father has depression and a real stigma about it. He's also a hoarder. Not bad enough to be on TV, but bad enough for it to be an issue in their household. The father's sister has also had some similar mental health issues over the years with depression/manic episodes. Before the last year, I would say my husband is one of the best men I know. Honorable, respectful, a good provider and an attentive father. He has been since day one. He's not my doormat and is extremely stubborn (which is why things are so rough right now I think).
So there's a little background on us. I love him with all of my heart, as do our girls. H has struggled mentally with his career. He is successful and earns a good living, is respected by his colleagues. But it's not exactly what he's always wanted to do, and he doesn't find it fulfilling. So he doesn't enjoy it.
About 8 years ago, he was promoted to a great position with a boss/mentor that he really respected. He was feeling great. This lasted for about 3 years, and then the company dissolved the region he managed. He floundered at the company for about a year in various positions before leaving and joining a different financial firm. I had spent the last 5 years as a SAHM but needed to go back to work full time when he switched jobs due to the decrease in salary. The next firm was in the middle of a merger and the year he spent there was exhausting for our family. He worked close to 15 hour days, traveled often. The work s@cked and he was never home. I was adjusting from not working to working full time with 2 kids in school None of us were happy. Then he found a better job, at the company where I am/was working. With the exception of some problems at the company, things were a lot better. We were feeling like things were finally starting to get better on the work/financial side when in Feb 2015 it was announced that our company was being bought out (happens a lot in this industry). My sister and brother in law are high up in this company - my BIL was the CEO. Things were handled in a way that a lot of strain was put on family relationships and we didn't talk with them for over a year. About 4 months after the merger was announced, we knew his job would be eliminated so he went back to the old firm, who wanted him back. He wasn't excited to go back there, and tried a few ideas over the next 6 months to get something else off the ground. Those things fell through, so I think he resolved to stay where he is for the time being.
During this time, our daughter was dx with autism, but honestly parenting her has been a struggle for many years. She is not hard to love, but just hard to raise. School and behavior are a challenge and balancing the attention she needs with our neurotypical daughter is a challenge, especially for me. By January of 2016 we were on a hamster wheel of crappy exhausting jobs and business/challenges/doctors appts with the kids. By the time we got home at night, we were zombies. I kept thinking that if we could just hold on long enough, things would get better and life would get back to normal. We didn't fight about things, but I think we kind of retreated to our separate corners to lick our wounds.
In April 2016 he sat me down to tell me that he feels we've drifted apart and his feelings toward me have changed. I guess you'd call that the first bomb drop? I had always viewed us as a team and would have never thought he'd say that. I should point out that we weren't having a lot of sex, but neither of us was asking for it, so it was another thing I chalked up to getting better when other things calmed down. We did a lot of trips and fun things as a family very consistently. We didn't get a lot of date nights either, we rarely had a babysitter available. So I can see where intimacy slipped away from us.
I had been feeling kind of crappy and depressed, so I saw my doctor and had my hormones and thyroid checked. All was good with me. H thought it would be good to see a therapist because he couldn't figure out why he was feeling so numb toward me. He saw her once alone, then she suggested we start going together. We saw her for 6 months. I tried so many things - we read most of I love you but... , I read a bazillion articles. I set up dates for us, surprised him with a weekend away. I couldn't get him to be physical, could barely get him to hold my hand. Therapist kept talking to him about his "truths", told him he was a people pleaser who was always putting others ahead of his wants. 6 months and we weren't getting anywhere. Therapist also does hypnotherapy, so she did a hypnosis with him in Oct. He sits me down in November to tell me that (1) during the hypnosis session he realizes he has had doubts about our marriage from the beginning (no way, just, no way is that true) and (2) that while under hypnosis if he still wanted to work on our marriage and he said no and (3) even though I asked repeatedly if he had feelings or was involved with someone else, that in fact he DID have feelings for someone else. This is a woman who is his boss at work who is 10 years younger than him. She is also married. We have sat together at company parties. She knows me and knows that we have kids. He claims he started feeling attracted to her last winter while they were traveling and working closely together, but when he started to realize this he distanced himself from her and they stopped spending any time together. She bought him an xbox game for Christmas last year that they used to play together. I'm not a jealous woman. I sat next to him on the couch and knit while they played. What a fool I was! I don't know if he's telling the truth that nothing happened, but I do know that no one believes it. He also told me that he had been reading about MLC and depression and thinks that both are in play (he took up the guitar over the summer). He has lost over 20 pounds (he was 6'2" and 200 lbs - already lean) and wasn't sleeping well at night. I know that he still is not sleeping at night even now. He said he does not need to see a doctor or get on meds because leaving me will fix his depressed feelings. That he is depressed because he "hadn't faced his truth". I'd like to sock that therapist. She also encouraged him NOT to tell me about OW as it wouldn't bring anything to the table. So they both know about it the entire time we were going.
So I guess the 2nd bomb drop ("I don't want to work on things anymore") was on Nov 4 2016. He moved downstairs to our family room and stayed there until Dec 31. He rented a house about 5 minutes away (which his parents are currently paying rent and utilities on) and moved out over New Year's. I started separation proceedings to protect the girls and I because he is acting so unpredictably to his character that I'm not sure what he's doing anymore. The separation agreement should be final this week if his lawyer doesn't raise a stink.
This past Friday I have learned that his boss/OW quit her job and Friday was her last day. I know many people in his office, and was told that the rumors are flying about the 2 of them and that she quit as a preemptive move since she's his boss. I have no proof of an affair, but I think rumors exist for a reason. I sent him a text and asked if he was still sticking to his story of not being involved with her. He said "oh I guess you heard she quit, well she hated her job, blah blah blah" and was angry that people were spreading rumors and that they would bring them back to me. I responded "when you are ready to tell the truth, let me know." He responded with a long email about how we drifted apart years ago (no, we did not.), and how he has gotten to know her more recently and thinks it may make sense to ask her out. He claims that he did try even though I think he didn't, and that he wants to find happiness and find someone who inspires him to love them and be a better husband, which apparently I don't. I lit into him, mostly because I hadn't yet as I had been trying to fix things. I told him he was selfish, that I didn't believe he wasn't having an affair and that what he was supposed to do (since he asked) was honor his commitment to ME and attempt to reconnect with ME and save our family. I told him he was a cliché and he couldn't even see it because he was too stubborn. I am aware these are all the don'ts, but honest to God, it's the worst night I've had in a long time and I just had to let it out. He has texted me twice about dumb things "I have to work on your car one night when I pick the girls up" and "I'm going to drop A's stuff off in a few minutes, FYI". I've not responded and have made sure I don't see him at all when he comes by. I am so hurt and angry that "going dark" doesn't feel too difficult right now.
I'm working on myself. I saw my doctor in November after not eating or sleeping for a week and losing 10 lbs. She put me on Zoloft and Xanax as needed. I still don't sleep well, but I can function. I've started running 3 days a week. I try to hang out with friends more. So I'm working on GAL and doing ok with it on the outside. But I'm miserable on the inside and I cry every night. Our girls are sad and don't understand why he wanted to leave me. I don't understand it. I had my own crap to work on way back in April, and I owned it. He didn't like that I cussed a lot and in front of the kids. I stopped cussing. The girls helped me keep it in check and I stopped. I'm anxious, and I get really short tempered and stressed out, especially with the kids. I worked really hard on that and the kids and I have a wonderful relationship. I made amends with my Sis and BIL and things are great there. My job is going well. I feel like I owned my part in things and fixed it. He acknowledges it and says he still doesn't feel the same.
We are planning to put our house on the market in April. We had been planning to sell anyhow as it's too big and we can't afford it comfortably anyhow. So I'm still living there with the girls, we have a 3/3/4/4 custody arrangement. Once the house sells I need to find somewhere to live. We are keeping finances as is until the house sells or 9/1/17, at which time child support and maintenance will start.
I don't want to divorce him. In NY you go through a year of separation before filing, unless there are other extenuating circumstances such as adultery or abuse that would allow you to file for divorce sooner, as well as some new thing where you can file saying the marriage has been irretrievably broken for 6 months.
We don't talk about the relationship much - when he does he is full on martyr and rewriting our history. He says he sometimes had down feelings but he thought all married people go through that (WE DO) but realizes that's not true. I think he's looking for the limerance and not the maturity of lasting bonds. He hasn't mentioned the word divorce, although my lawyer had us design the separation agreement for the long haul so that we don't have to go back to court if we divorce. So we've planned for the worst in the agreement but he doesn't seem to be in a rush to do anything now that he's moved out.
Ugh, I said I would try to keep this as short as possible but failed miserably! I just wanted to include as much about the picture as I could. I'm sure there are still more things I could add. Feel free to ask and feel free to hit me with any hard truths you see. I think it's a MLC, but maybe I'm just hoping that it is because then there would be a chance he would wake up and come back to us. This is a person who shares all of my interests and hobbies, a person I share intellectual conversations with. We can communicate our thoughts without even speaking. I never ever thought we would be apart. I still wake up thinking it's a bad dream because it's so unbelievable. Our families are beside themselves because it happened so out of the blue.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but you'll discover a lot of wonderful people post all over the Forum, including this one. Read as much a you can, take away what you can use and leave the rest behind.
I'm pasting in Cadet's Welcome Thread info. Please read the threads because you will discover a wealth of info.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-62, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for the links, Job. I got a head start on them from reading other posts over the weekend, and will continue making my way through the list. Forewarned is forearmed, as they say!
Me : 42 Him : 43 M : 18, T : 19 D13, D11 4/16 1st BD (ILYB) 11/16 H wants s, moves out of br 1/17 H rents house & moves out 2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter) 5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
So sorry you are here Karen. It does sound like your H had rewritten your history to justify his feelings for the ow.
You said the ow is married also but that your H wants to ask her out. Do you know if she has reciprocated or if it is all one sided? Does her H know what is going on? I understand that sometimes you need to let them do what they have to to realise it's not everything they thought it was. I know it's no comfort for you or your girls but there is nothing you can do to change their minds. It's taken me a while to realise this but it's an unfortunate fact.
Read as much as you can on her and post often. If you are angry or sad post it on here so you avoid texting or phoning your H. Cry as much as you want and need to and don't feel guilty. Don't let anyone tell you that you should move on or you should be over it by now. I have had friends tell me that but no one on here will.
Try not to take too much action either. I think you have done all the important stuff to protect you and the girls financially but now don't do anything else to help him have the life that he thinks he wants. Just try get through each day. Take care.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hey Coly, thanks for the welcome. I'm glad I found this forum; I think it's going to be the lifeline to keep me strong. You're right - pretty much everyone assumes it's over and I should plan for a different future. I'm just not ready to consider that yet.
OW is getting divorced. She has no kids. Her hobbies and interests are identical to mine, except no kids, no baggage. She has already moved into an apt and they are selling their home. I'm fairly certain the feelings are reciprocated. I know her and she's a "hang all over and flirt with the guys" type. Something someone with a vulnerable ego would be susceptible to, no doubt. H in his right mind would see her coming a mile away, but I try to remember this is a different him.
I've been reading a lot today and have saved quite a few links to review again in the future. My situation has so many similarities with others here; I really feel like I'm in the right place to get through this.
I'm hoping his attorney doesn't squawk too much about the agreement. H and I kind of mapped it out together so there aren't any surprises. I really don't want to do anything permanent beyond that. Keeping communication to a minimum and trying to focus on something other than him. The rewriting of our history together is actually harder to bear than the idea of the OW.
Me : 42 Him : 43 M : 18, T : 19 D13, D11 4/16 1st BD (ILYB) 11/16 H wants s, moves out of br 1/17 H rents house & moves out 2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter) 5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
Karen you are currently on moderation and it may be a day or so before you are removed from it. I have put in a request this afternoon to have you taken off of moderation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Karen! I am so very sorry that you are here. But please know you will soon have a wonderful group of virtual friends here to help you through this.
As for myself, my bomb drop was in July and there was an OW in the picture.
I completely here what you are saying when you write that the rewriting is harder to bear than the idea of the OW. As you have probably read, they do it to justify their actions. As hard as it is, keep reminding yourself it is HIM, not you. You know what happened in the marriage. You know what kind of relationship you had with your H.
Continue doing what you are doing. It sounds like you are on the right track.
So on this "going dark" thing. After I really told him what I thought of his behavior the other night, I have halted all communication. I have gotten three texts since:
Saturday @ 12pm "I'm going to have to come back when I pick up the girls next week and work on trying to get the scratches out of your bumper in the garage" (he scraped my car backing out the other night)
Sunday @ 6pm "Hey, I'm going to drop off Aly's bear in a few minutes, FYI" (I told her to go downstairs and meet him at the door. Did not greet him or see him.)
Monday @ 7pm "I don't know if Aly told you but she said she thew her keys on the roof. She asked me if I would come get them off. So if its ok I was going to swing over and get them."
I haven't answered any of his texts, which is new for me. Should I be acknowledging them or is this ok? I really just don't want anything to do with him after the other night.
Me : 42 Him : 43 M : 18, T : 19 D13, D11 4/16 1st BD (ILYB) 11/16 H wants s, moves out of br 1/17 H rents house & moves out 2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter) 5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
Hey, Karen. Sorry you're here but glad you found the forum. For NC one usually initiates communication only when absolutely necessary and then brief, to the point, but in a light and friendly manner (neighborly). If he reaches out to you, it is ok to respond; but unless it is an emergency or something that needs to be addressed right away (can you pick up child from school...can't find car keys), your response time can be at your leisure or even not at all.
There are variables to NC, though. For instance, one of my 180's was to be a better listener. I'm NC, but if XH calls (usually about something else), I will allow him to vent or talk, with me just listening and validating. Trying to be the lighthouse. We are D (BD to D in just over a year), but I believe he is in MLC and am (at the moment) standing. Its tough at times, but GAL and moving forward really do help.
I wouldn't respond to the texts or you could just say "ok"...they seem to just be to let you know he's coming by. My XH would knock and shout "hellooo?" as if he were entering a friend's house instead of his own house where his wife of 26 years lived. He tried to take care of me and check on me even after he left. "Nice guys"...(SMDH).
Keep posting, read the threads that are suggested, and get busy remembering who you were or finding who you are now. Live authentically and hug those kiddos tight. Buckle up...this road can get rough, but it has some great surprises if you make room and keep your eyes open.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
In April 2016 he sat me down to tell me that he feels we've drifted apart and his feelings toward me have changed. I guess you'd call that the first bomb drop? I had always viewed us as a team and would have never thought he'd say that. I should point out that we weren't having a lot of sex, but neither of us was asking for it, so it was another thing I chalked up to getting better when other things calmed down. We did a lot of trips and fun things as a family very consistently. We didn't get a lot of date nights either, we rarely had a babysitter available. So I can see where intimacy slipped away from us.
I'm sorry you find yourself here. As others have said, you are not alone and I can't tell you how much I've learned from others. I've gotten several bomb drops from my W, but the one quoted above struck a cord with me because I've heard it first hand. So a few questions for you.
You say that you guys are still very compatible in terms of your interests and intellect, but it seems like you've lost the emotional connection and physical/sexual connection. What happened on those fronts? Were they good in the beginning but atrophied with the professional/financial/parental challenges? Were you able to share your inner lives with one another? Was the loss of sexual intimacy the cause or effect of drifting apart?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
