Here's the thing. You can read back through your threads and find enough great advice to map out a successful turn around. Again, it begins with you.
You refuse to listen. Your W was not happy no matter what you are telling yourself. If she was, you would have never found this board.
I have found that the people that put themselves in the best position to save their marriages, are the ones that listen and put forth the effort to make changes.
You are in the presence of a great community that want to help you. When we continue to give you the same advice over and over again, but it falls on deaf ears, we all will eventually move on.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Life is filled with choices.
You get to choose to make changes or stay stagnant.
You get to choose to move or stay stuck.
You get to choose to listen or ignore the incredible advice you have received.
You get to choose to become better or to become bitter.
You get to choose to prove your W right or wrong for leaving.
Life is happening and it awaits no one. Keep doing what you are doing, and it will pass you by.
BTW, I have a good friend who had a sitch that paralleled mine. He was 6 months behind me. His W moved from PA to AZ with their 2 sons to be with another man. He found himself divorced a short time later. He had to take a job that wasn't all that great to see his sons.
Point being, HE DIDN'T LISTEN!!!
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
You are getting some of the best support that is available anywhere.
So this is my view.
Changing externals doesn't change the internals. And you can choose shift. Something which is permanent so that you are in the best place. The posters are investing in you, so invest in yourself.
There are several of the very best posters suggesting very strongly that you own your issues AND resolve them. Two wrongs won't create a right.
25 has asked some very direct questions, the answers to which will enable us to understand more of your back story. If you want more directed support then answer those as best you can. This will allow feedback and more support. It's a virtuous cycle. 25 is a big hearted poster with room to understand and I have observed her support some LBS in tough spots before.
Being emotional is perfectly authentic to you and it's fine. In fact for me, any poster twisting in the wind is worthy of extra validation and the extra mile.
Affairs are always a bad choice, awful and the worst ever. Nothing you have done, nothing makes you responsible for your wayward wife and her crudy scum bucket OM. This isn't a competition as to who is worse you or WW. Nor can anything you can do in the past be changed or undone or unsaid.
I want you to experience real spell break and shift. Help yourself to become open and make those shifts.
It is the tougher way.
So are you ready to answer those questions?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Saying I "can't understand" you b/c I'm a woman, would be insulting if you knew me. But I take no offense b/c you know nothing about me. I just worry that is the same attitude you showed your w when she didn't agree with you.
You mention the differences between men and women kind of a lot, and I detect an undertone of emotionalism (irrationality?) assigned to women, and logic to men (i.e. you) . Not a very useful belief, in my opinion. More like a defense...
For what it's worth, I didn't care about your porn use. It's just not a hot button topic for me. I only cared that you ignored what your wife felt about it. Every single time I commented about it, you defended yourself and simultaneously claimed to have "owned" it.
Wsh, you came to this site for help in saving your m, or alternatively, to save yourself. Correct?
Your w is not here. It doesn't matter what we think of HER or her choices. You're the one here.
So yes, the focus is only on what YOU can do to help reconcile
AND OR help you get through and hopefully grow from this God awful painful ordeal. That is why we only focus on you.
I've suggested GAL activities more than once. As far as I know you are doing little in that area.
I've suggested ways to change how you view this,
or how you can change your behaviors in order to grow in this ordeal...and push beyond your comfort levels.
As far as I know, you've resisted all of these^^, or you vacillate. Or get mad, claiming we are bashing you.
You say you have "already owned" your part in the marriage problems - but I don't get that feeling Wsh. I get the feeling you want us to harp on her, but that's not our job. (We know this $[censored]. Believe me, we get it.)
Now back to you...
What are you changing that reflects "owning" your part?
We want to help you benefit and learn...
When you say She is "way worse than" you, and "she did far worse things", my question is What can we do with that type of comment, to help you now?
Your behavior now is literally the only thing within your control.
Learning from your mistakes and behaving differently from this day forward, is your goal. Correct? Am I missing something?
Finally, You said you have struggled with depression, anxiety and fear for many years.
These issues ^^were absolutely marital problems. And You said that you "can't do anything about" them b/c of your job. So, I assume nothing there will change...
From where I sit, that ^^ is you placing more importance on your security clearance than your marriage. (Or that powerful inertia is keeping you stuck again )...
if nothing behaviorally has changed for you, then this experience pain isn't even yielding the one upside of it.
Wsh, Pain can be the touchstone for tremendous growth. OR for lasting sadness and bitterness.
In the end, that is ^^^ our most important choice.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
And before any of you tell me again that I'm doing those things for my wife, no, I recognize most of her complaints as things that I do need to improve, with or without her.
On top of reading books, I'm going to see a counselor. My step mom found one in her neighborhood, that would do it undocumented. Going to make myself a reminder to make an appointment.
I'm still thinking strongly about cutting the hair, but not sure I'm quite ready for that leap.
You mentioned getting into theater. My dad suggested that, and he and his father were big into theater at times in their lives. I might be interested in backstage work, or light/sound work. But unfortunately, a--hole is into theater, as is his wife.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
And before any of you tell me again that I'm doing those things for my wife, no, I recognize most of her complaints as things that I do need to improve, with or without her.
On top of reading books, I'm going to see a counselor. My step mom found one in her neighborhood, that would do it undocumented. Going to make myself a reminder to make an appointment.
I'm still thinking strongly about cutting the hair, but not sure I'm quite ready for that leap.
You mentioned getting into theater. My dad suggested that, and he and his father were big into theater at times in their lives. I might be interested in backstage work, or light/sound work. But unfortunately, a--hole is into theater, as is his wife.
So, you are "going to remind yourself" to make an appointment with a counselor and then you might really go. And you "might be interested in theater BUT..." and "Still thinking about..." cutting your hair...
I'm not trying to harp on you. But can you see a pattern ^^here? You seem to think these actions are high risk for you but they are not.
Yes I read your GAL activities. To me it seemed (mostly) a list of things you are not yet actually doing.
The exercising is great. Keep it up.
You seem to be avoiding activities with others...which is probably your biggest challenge and need. Inertia is a companion to you, but you need to fire that companion. Inertia keeps you isolated and stuck.
Have you joined something (club, team, organization, church) this month? Started a class that involves others? Visited a new place? Volunteered somewhere?
I could go on with the GAL list but you have the list.
I think you are waiting to be comfortable changing, but change is rarely comfortable.
At some point you'll have to decide if you are more comfortable being stuck. I don't know which choices you will make.
Watch the youtube videos of Amy Cuddy at her TED Talks. "Fake it till you become it", etc.
She discusses how we can change how we feel inside, with some external behavioral changes. She backs it up with empirical data.
"Outside in", rather than waiting to want to do something or waiting to feel like it, or endlessly waiting for inspiration...So we change the behaviors and THEN we feel changed, and we become better.
I don't have a lot of other suggestions for things to do.
Can you Just Do some?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have to ask, why are you so obsessed with the OM?
If it weren't him, it would be someone else. I wouldn't be surprised if there weren't more than one. The thing is this cheating spouses aren't victims of conniving OMs. They went looking...an affair isn't an oops thing. They wanted it - whether it be with their partner or someone else. The marriage and their spouse is less than nothing to them. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is what it is. No excuses can be made...so stop worrying about the OM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Yeah, something to think about. I know people around here refer to OM and OW by various names. I see youve taken to a$$hole. To me, I dont see the point in that. My beef was never with AP. We're never going to be friends. We're never going to be more than two people in my children's lives. I will always think poorly on the fact that AP decided to interfere with my marriage.
But calling names deflects from where my true focus should be. Dwelling on that interference does the same thing. My focus needs to be on me. Id advise you to do the same.
Yeah, something to think about. I know people around here refer to OM and OW by various names. I see youve taken to a$$hole. To me, I dont see the point in that. My beef was never with AP. We're never going to be friends. We're never going to be more than two people in my children's lives. I will always think poorly on the fact that AP decided to interfere with my marriage.
But calling names deflects from where my true focus should be. Dwelling on that interference does the same thing. My focus needs to be on me. Id advise you to do the same.
Thinking about the OM produces zero benefits. I only think about OM when im punching a boxing bag.
However, OM's wife can't get my wife out of her head. Its not healthy. And it gives my wife and OM something to talk about, which strengthens their bond.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
