okay, this is going to be long but I want to get the best advice possible and feel I need to really get in depth about what has happened between H and I.
Last week, my husband dropped the "I'm not happy" bomb on me. he was sobbing, pouring out his heart to me. I can't exactly say it was a complete shock, because we have been having marital issues and have been seeking counseling, of which both of us have been happy going. but to me, the issues we were having were not "divorce worthy". just to give a brief background: H and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 9, I am 33 and he is 30. we can both admit that we are not the same people we married. we have grown personally. However, On my end, it hasn't changed my feelings for him or our marriage. We have grown apart to an extent; growing to like different activities, ideas and ways of thinking about certain subjects, but still have a moderate about of common interests. He took a job 4 years ago that requires him to work 7 days a week.
He CAN take weekends off (he can ask for them, sometimes they deny the request) but the money is so good and we are in a lot of debt so he hates asking for the weekends off. his father has worked at the very same company for 40 years, (7days a week) and so does his brother.
our issues started before he took this job, but I feel his job has made things worse, and we should have started seeing the warning signs sooner. fast forward to the bombshell- he is unhappy.
he feels we are no longer compatible in every area (this is includes sexually as well). he feels we have grown so far apart that he is unsure he will ever be able to feel the same way about me as when we were in our younger years of the relationship. he spends all of his time on social media, tv and movies, hardly looking up to even see what I am doing or engage in any conversation, to him, I nag, I dont make him feel like a man (which, to be honest, I have been extremely depressed and have had high anxiety which has caused me to be someone I am not, and I HAVE been seeking counseling for, and I HAVE improved, even he admits he has seen positive changes in me).
I am not going to pretend that I have been the ideal wife, because I have lacked. However he has not been the best husband he can be either.
i quit my job almost a year ago because it was high stress and my hours were opposite his, we saw zero of each other. we lost a lot of income but to me it was better than losing the marriage. I took the summer off, which he agreed could be good for me, but during the summer he had told me he was starting to feel some unhappiness, which then we started seeking counseling, and individual counseling for me for my issues. we both enjoy going and love our counselor. I got a part time job in october which allows me to work when hes working, so we can still have time to see each other. however the time we have together is spent arguing or buried in his phone or tv. he says he "loves me" but isn't "in love with me" anymore. he feels trapped, smothered, and depressed. He recently befriended another guy at work who is quite a bit younger than us (I am 33 and he is 30, friend is 25). this friend is engaged and H says that he wants the relationship that him and his fiance have. they are compatible, in love, do everything together and have few arguments.
I feel this is an unfair comparison, because these two are not even married yet, younger and have a lot of growing to do. I told him that this couple could be in the exact position we are in in 5 years, and he cant compare someone else's present relationship to ours. he feels that I don't let him go hang out with his buddies, or when he does, I make him feel guilty for going out. this is partially true- with him working 7 days a week its hard to get any quality time with him, (may I add he is also an on-cal firefighter and responds to calls when he isnt at work)so I constantly feel like I get no time with him, and when he wants to go out without me, I have a hard time accepting he would rather go out than spend the very little time he has with me- and yes, i know this is unfair to him, and I have let him know that I am aware that it is. since the bomb, he has sought out individual counseling appointment with our counselor. so have I.
I have been trying really hard not to beg or convince, although I have told him what I feel and what I think can happen if we try harder. he doesn't mind us sleeping in the same bed, doing things together, but has told me not to get offended that he isn't there for me physically- kiss, hug, cuddle etc. he said all the feelings are so raw right now that he is confused on what he wants.
i am trying very hard to give him that space but i take things so personally and because i am a physical touch person i feel like I'm just being rejected. we did get a little intimate one night this week, but was turned down several other times. he took the weekend off to hit a movie with me, we went to dinner, we did a little window shopping, and i noticed he spent a lot of money on everything which is very out of the norm for him. he is also testing our some small "honor and respect boundaries" that we set up prior to getting married- I'm 99% positive that there isn't another woman, however he has been talking about past "friends" that were girls, being a little disrespectful when it comes to other women (not hiding it when hes staring at other women in front of me, talking about other "hot women", and searching out inappropriate things on the internet) It's almost like he knows he's in a position of power right now, and he is using it to his advantage to do what he wants knowing I won't say anything for fear I might push him over the edge. this is not only unfair but immature and disrespectful.
i love him dearly- we have a lot of fond memories, no kids but animals we share and love. could this be an early onset of midlife crisis? could his demanding job and the pressure of a not so hot marriage be catapulting him into this very odd behavior?
I'm heartbroken, lost, and don't know whether to stay and weather this storm, or to separate for a bit. I am trying extremely hard to be open and peaceful, not nag and slap a smile on my face when I just want to cry, guard my heart when it comes to his inability to "be there for me right now" but I am in agony.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/20/1701:42 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sunmoon, I'm very sorry to hear the place you're in. Unfortunately things will get more difficult before they get easier. You're used to looking at life as being part of a team with your husband but the next stretch you're going to have to do on your own.
The shortest way back together is to immediately head in the opposite direction. You need to give him the space he wants, you need to be apparently completely fine with it, and you need to find a way for you to appear perfectly happy, content, and most of all fun.
That's a tall order right? That's the shortest way back.
It's like trying to quit smoking where every time you cheat, it just prolongs the whole process. You have to go cold turkey if you want to do it the fastest, although that is also the most painful.
Focus on you, be the better choice.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thank you Acc, this is actually something I have been considering. however, H has said he still wants to live together, sleep together, do things as a couple and work on things slowly, despite his fear that it's not going to work out. should I still try and "pull away" and let him be? I feel like if I do this, he will choose to divorce because now I'm not interested and its an easy out for him if i no longer act like I want to save what we have. I fear it will do exactly the opposite of what It would be trying to accomplish. I have asked him if he wanted me to back off and he said not necessarily, but he did say that he's not in any kind of place to be affectionate towards me because his feelings are still raw and confusing for him, and that ill have to accept that. to be honest, his behavior the last two days has reminded me of someone who is trying to revert back to their teenage/young 20's behavior; not the responsible, married man behavior. Its all so confusing for me, not to mention heart wrenching to watch and be the recipient of such behavior. this is what leads me to believe he is going through some mid life crap. hes only 30!
I feel terrible for your situation but see light in the darkness. Some quick thoughts:
1. I think you guys have different love languages and aren't emotionally connecting. You want quantity time and your H works all the time. You want physical affection and your H can't give it to you now, so you feel even more disconnected.
2. Your H may be thinking he is slaving for you and you don't appreciate his work. Further, you quit your FT job so now he is under even more pressure to provide for the family.
3. Despite his disrespectful actions, you don't think he is in an EA or PA. That is a much better position to be in. And he wants you to stay in the same house and bed. It sounds like you even recently ML.
4. It sounds like it is stressful when you guys are together. You are stressed. You nag. You initiate physical contact and he rejects you. Have you read the books? What you are doing now isn't working, so you need to try new things. Figure out what creates connection and then keep doing that.
5. Is there a reason why you don't have kids? If he wants them and you don't, it can be a contributing reason why he is physically rejecting you.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/21/1712:28 PM.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
First of all your best bet is to get a divorce busting telephone coach on this site, they're well trained and you can go into much more detail over the phone. If you can't do that for whatever reason, then the more sharing you can do the better.
A few thoughts for you:
First, you're part of this equation too, so don't let him call all the shots. What do you want? Do you want to live together, sleep together, do things as a couple and live in fear that it won't be good enough and he'll just suddenly leave? How is that going to feel longer term? Are you up for it? I'm sure it feels like the safest route, but is it?
What do people value more, that which is easily given, or what they have to work for?
A lot of the psychology goes back to high school. Are people attracted to people who fawn all over them and do whatever they want, or are they attracted to self confident people they have to work for?
If you strip everything else away, be true to yourself. What do you want? How do you want to conduct your life?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Gordie, thanks for you response. I intend on getting one of the books to read. My H knows I sincerely appreciate his hard work, i tell him all the time. I even tell him he doesn't have to feel like he has to work every day of the week, bills will always be there but time won't.
We have gone through the love languages thing several years ago, we are both very aware of what each others' needs are. during his bomb he told me that he's not sure he is capable of providing me with the things i require- physical touch part. he said he doesn't know why, he just isn't that kind of person. He is an acts of service person, so he wants me to keep the house clean, cook for him, etc. which i do a lot of, maybe not all the time but i try really hard to keep a clean home and healthy food in his belly.
his behavior the past few days has been extremely difficult to understand...very distant and cold one minute, then the next asking me a whole bunch of questions about what I'm doing and where I'm going, etc. this morning after I announced I was leaving for a while to go to my thing, he actually gave me a hug and a kiss. last night he wouldn't touch me.....
I'm trying my hardest to ride this wave with my head held high and a smile on my face but it is so difficult. as far as kids go....we just aren't ready to let go of our freedom yet. we are both on the fence. so, we are on the same page with that.
Thank you accuray. Yes, I am trying to figure out a way to be tactful about letting him know he doesn't get to control this situation. he came home from him counseling appointment last friday and said he's willing to work on things, but all I have seen is him pointing out all the negative aspects of our relationship, in a really passive aggressive way. I fear saying anything to make him mad at this point- just trying to listen and be open. counselor told me at my session that if anything to try and establish a sexual connection with him first- and THAT has even been difficult! so, today I decided Im going to distance myself. I told him I may or may not be home for lunch, let him know what he had available for him to eat and said I would text him if i wasnt going to be available.
The hot and cold, don't touch me you have cooties and then let's hug and kiss...those mixed signals are signs of confusion. Stop trying to read his mind as he probably doesn't even know what he is thinking. You can't control him. You can only control you. This is really heard, but the answer I have learned here is to detach. You are going to be strong and stead...if he hugs and kisses you, great...if he doesn't want to be in the same room as you, great...
Learn to listen more and talk less...when he says he's willing to work on things...ask him in a friendly and inviting way, what do you mean by that? or describe to me what "work on things" means to you.
Pointing out all the negative aspects of your relationship? As I learned from Cali, grab a stool and imagine yourself drinking a STFU smoothie. Every time you have the desire to defend yourself or correct his interpretation of things, just take another gulp. Just listen. A time may come when you can respond, but not now, not when emotions are high.
Try and establish a sexual connection? I don't want to contradict your counselor and encourage you to go for it if that's still there and you both want it, but don't want you to be discouraged if it's not. Further, if your H is depressed or not feeling confident, he may not even be able to get it up. I'd work on emotional connection and being able to touch one another in a friendly, non sexual way.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I like the smoothie analogy haha. And Yes, this is what I have been trying to do. It has been so hard listening to him and not being able to defend myself or even say anything productive. But I have been keeping my mouth shut. the last couple of days he has been playing off of my insecurities as well. He's been making a point to say things that would make me feel...I guess jealous maybe? And Im not sure where this is coming from or why. maybe testing me? I don't think he is being an adult about this whole situation, I think it's a horrible thing to do to a person, to know their weak points and use them in a time like this. never in a million years would I think he would display this type of behavior. it is so heartbreaking to me.
Im trying very hard to do my own thing, however since the bomb, all my hobbies and interests have really disappeared, I garden, I have chickens and other animals I tend to, and I'm very spiritual and love to spend time educating myself, but lately I haven't wanted to have anything to do with it.
I don't necessarily think he is not able to perform. like I had said we did get somewhat intimate a few nights ago, and then again the next night, and I have been making a point to put myself out there everyday, and he's rejected me 3 times since friday. I've felt an absolute jolt in my libido since the bomb, and I guess I'm just disappointed that it didn't do the same for him. maybe you are right, that an emotional connection should be worked on first.
what I meant by "disappointed it didnt do the same for him" was that i guess this awakening made me realize how attracted I still am to him and it kinda woke up my sexual desire for him, but i can understand why he's not feeling the same way.
Sunmoon...this is really hard. There are days when my W wants me--including sex--and days she doesn't want to be with me. When all of this started, the former made me happy and the latter made me rejected/angry/sad. It's taken a lot of work and time to be at peace within myself and not let my W's moods and interactions literally control me...and how I feel. Take that power away from him...and give it to yourself.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Im trying very hard to do my own thing, however since the bomb, all my hobbies and interests have really disappeared, I garden, I have chickens and other animals I tend to, and I'm very spiritual and love to spend time educating myself, but lately I haven't wanted to have anything to do with it.
I was the same way at first. Wanted nothing to do with my original hobbies. I don't know what snapped and brought me back to them, but it was a relief and welcome thing. I find that hobbies that force concentration to the best. You will return in time.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Gordie, I understand that. I also am trying to come to grips that it was me and my behavior towards him that pushed him away. I am a strong person and know I can get past the rejection eventually, like you said its just hard to know your best friend, your lover, your spouse doesn't have it for you. I look back at the last year of our marriage and ask myself "why didn't I see what was happening? where was my head?" although he let his end slip too. I fear he takes its as a sign we are not meant to me, instead of thinking "we let it happen, we can work on it and not let it happen again".
One of my biggest flaws is having to control everything. I admit it. So, not being able to control and fix this situation is eating me alive.
Jeep, thanks for your input. I know I will find the urge again, I just wish it was now when I really need something to keep my mind off the current situation, and keep myself looking busy. When he comes home from work, and in the mornings before work I struggle to find something to keep me busy. I literally just walk around the house and "act" busy. today I left to go drop some things off at goodwill and to go tan, and then I sat in the parking lot just so I appeared gone and busy. told him to fend for himself for lunch today. he was fine with it.going to be asking for more hours at work - need the money anyway, and it keeps me busy thinking about other things as well.
What is something you've always wanted to do but never did? Think back to childhood if you must...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep, I'm pretty much doing all that finances will allow me to do at this point. I joined the gym this morning, same gym my h goes to but he wanted me to start going. last night we were intimate, of course initiated by me. I don't know if I am setting myself up for disappointment or not. He seems receptive with some things and others not so much. I know he needs time. One of his "issues" with me is that I don't enjoy movies and tv as much as he does. (to me this is such a silly thing....) I have literally spent the entire last 5 days watching tv and movies that I am not even the slightest bit interested in with him. It's like now I'm fearful of even doing anything I want to do for fear he's going to think "it will never work because we are too different." It is a horrible place to be in. He's not thinking straight. He's not of the mindset that two people can love and be happy together even though their interests aren't the same. He's so h$ll bent on this whole "compatibility" thing. I was sitting there, watching him watch tv while playing a game on his phone, his friend texting him, smiling, texting back, and I thought to myself..."i don't even know him anymore". I wanted to cry. I know we can be close again, and I know its half my fault, I'm hoping that this "head in clouds fairytale" thing hes got going on of the perfect relationship goes away soon. I understand that its part of his depression/confusion about our marriage at this point. We have a counseling session this friday together but I am afraid to even voice anything at this point for fear of jeopardizing the situation.
marriage to me is a commitment, to love the person when sometimes you don't want to be around them, a vow you made to stand by them in any situation, sickness, health, rich or poor....and he wants to throw me away because I'm not "meant for him anymore". it's a cop out...can you tell I've reached my anger stage? lol
Gordie, I understand that. I also am trying to come to grips that it was me and my behavior towards him that pushed him away. I am a strong person and know I can get past the rejection eventually, like you said its just hard to know your best friend, your lover, your spouse doesn't have it for you. I look back at the last year of our marriage and ask myself "why didn't I see what was happening? where was my head?" although he let his end slip too. I fear he takes its as a sign we are not meant to me, instead of thinking "we let it happen, we can work on it and not let it happen again". One of my biggest flaws is having to control everything. I admit it. So, not being able to control and fix this situation is eating me alive.
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Good^^ insight. Understand that when you surrender the illusion of control, you will actually be empowered.
it'll allow you to stay in your sandbox and work on you, rather than constantly checking his personal work in his sandbox.
It's crucial & vital for us to keep our focus ONLY On what we can control and that is ONLY Us.
Don't fuel his negatives by doing any of the same things he resists. Counter his negatives by doing the opposite. (You want him to stop believing his negative data. If he says you are "always late", you become MS. PUNCTUAL, arriving on time or early for everything.)
Have you gotten the DB book yet? I preferred Divorce Remedy, but both books are useful.
So You must detach to survive this and you must GAL to detach.
Hobbies and interests that get you around OTHER (preferably new) people are key.
I know you don't feel like doing that. Your instinct is probably telling you to hole up with some hot chocolate and lick your wounds. I get that.
That is why DBing can feel counter intuitive. We are asking you to make a leap of faith and trust that we have learned something here,
and we want to pass that on.
Join something, volunteer somewhere, take a class, coach or mentor or travel or play on a team
but GAL as soon as possible. It's not just about GAL and detaching. (But that's huge)
It's also about bringing something to the table other than unmet needs. You're still sharing a space so you do have time. Use it well.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you 25yearsmlc. I'll be purchasing the DR tomorrow. I have been trying very hard to take what he says are our "problems" and try to make them right. I have not nagged him once since the BD. no bad tone of voice, no fighting, and trying especially hard to not act needy and beg. (I feel I have done a decent job). despite a few rejections from him, we actually have been more intimate in the last week than we have in months. although the intimacy is a bit "cold" if that makes sense. He complains I never just sit with him and watch stupid movies and tv (I'm just not a tv person, I'd rather be out doing things outside or cooking, creating art, etc)but for the last 5 days I have watched more movies and TV than I have in ages as well. His behavior is still very weird to me but I guess that comes with the territory of a spouse that has checked out.
Would you recommend that I still try and distance myself, even though he is starting to become a little more receptive? It's very hit and miss, but it's there. last week he told me he didn't feel much for me and not to get offended if he wasn't affectionate...the last two days he's been kissing and hugging, all his effort.
okay, this is going to be long but I want to get the best advice possible and feel I need to really get in depth about what has happened between H and I.
Last week, my husband dropped the "I'm not happy" bomb on me. he was sobbing, pouring out his heart to me. I can't exactly say it was a complete shock, because we have been having marital issues and have been seeking counseling, of which both of us have been happy going. but to me, the issues we were having were not "divorce worthy". but to HIM, they are, or he's not saying everything. Bottom line is that he is willing to risk the marriage to pursue or feel or explore "whatever..." so you saying the issues are not divorce worth sort of invalidates his perspective. Something is really undermine the marriage in his eyes. That's just a fact.
just to give a brief background: H and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 9, I am 33 and he is 30. we can both admit that we are not the same people we married. we have grown personally. So he was 21 when you began dating? And how have you changed? And him? Yes he has some young friend he's hanging out with (just 5 years younger), but how has HE changed from when you dated or were first married? And you? What are you doing or saying differently from then?
However, On my end, it hasn't changed my feelings for him or our marriage. We have grown apart to an extent; growing to like different activities, ideas and ways of thinking about certain subjects, but still have a moderate about of common interests. A "moderate amount of common interests" is not exactly a ringing endorsement. Sunmoon, I'm going to be blunt for a minute.
Maybe you need to assess whether you want this marriage, or you simply don't want to be the rejected party. Sometimes it's hard to know. We are very wrapped up in being part of a couple.
He took a job 4 years ago that requires him to work 7 days a week.
how long will that go on? "requires" him to work every day? That is a big deal. Was this a mutual decision?
He CAN take weekends off (he can ask for them, sometimes they deny the request) but the money is so good and we are in a lot of debt does he blame you for the debt? Or not working as much?
so he hates asking for the weekends off. his father has worked at the very same company for 40 years, (7days a week) and so does his brother. our issues started before he took this job, care to elaborate?
but I feel his job has made things worse, and we should have started seeing the warning signs sooner. fast forward to the bombshell- he is unhappy. Working every day without an end in sight, and maybe seeing the life of his dad/brother and not wanting to live their lives, might be an issue. BUT you cannot do anything about that
he feels we are no longer compatible in every area (this is includes sexually as well).
how do you feel about that?
he feels we have grown so far apart that he is unsure he will ever be able to feel the same way about me as when we were in our younger years of the relationship. he spends all of his time on social media, tv and movies, hardly looking up to even see what I am doing or engage in any conversation, to him, I nag, I dont make him feel like a man (which, to be honest, I have been extremely depressed and have had high anxiety which has caused me to be someone I am not, and I HAVE been seeking counseling for, and I HAVE improved, even he admits he has seen positive changes in me). Glad you are getting help. Keep up the work, and at least in front of HIM, keep showing the progress...even if you backslide, he doesn't have to know. Make sense?
I am not going to pretend that I have been the ideal wife, because I have lacked. However he has not been the best husband he can be either.
i quit my job almost a year ago because it was high stress and my hours were opposite his, we saw zero of each other. we lost a lot of income but to me it was better than losing the marriage. how did He feel about you quitting? Was it an agreed up decision?
I took the summer off, which he agreed could be good for me, but during the summer he had told me he was starting to feel some unhappiness, which then we started seeking counseling, and individual counseling for me for my issues. we both enjoy going and love our counselor. Do your personal issues interfere with the marriage? Were they present before this? Are you very social, apart from being part of a couple? As an individual?
I got a part time job in october which allows me to work when hes working, so we can still have time to see each other. however the time we have together is spent arguing or buried in his phone or tv. he says he "loves me" but isn't "in love with me" anymore. he feels trapped, smothered, and depressed. Sunmoon, is there a thread of truth or validity to any of this^^?
He recently befriended another guy at work who is quite a bit younger than us (I am 33 and he is 30, friend is 25). this friend is engaged and H says that he wants the relationship that him and his fiance have. they are compatible, in love, do everything together and have few arguments.
I feel this is an unfair comparison, because these two are not even married yet, younger and have a lot of growing to do. I told him that this couple could be in the exact position we ar
see, this^ is sort of like saying he "should not" feel as he does, and it invalidates how he feels. Plus it's a little like saying "they'll be miserable IN TIME, just like us", as opposed to asking how you two can recapture the connection you once had.
Make sense?
e in in 5 years, and he cant compare someone else's present relationship to ours. he feels that I don't let him go hang out with his buddies, or when he does, I make him feel guilty for going out. this is partially true- with him working 7 days a week its hard to get any quality time with him, (may I add he is also an on-cal firefighter and responds to calls when he isnt at work)so I constantly feel like I get no time with him, so it's not really just "partially true", right?
and when he wants to go out without me, I have a hard time accepting he would rather go out than spend the very little time he has with me- and yes, i know this is unfair to him, and I have let him know that I am aware that it is.
since the bomb, he has sought out individual counseling appointment with our counselor. so have I.
I have been trying really hard not to beg or convince, although I have told him what I feel and what I think can happen if we try harder. but you are trying to convince him, aren't you?
he doesn't mind us sleeping in the same bed, doing things together, but has told me not to get offended that he isn't there for me physically- kiss, hug, cuddle etc. he said all the feelings are so raw right now that he is confused on what he wants.
i am trying very hard to give him that space but i take things so personally and because i am a physical touch person i feel like I'm just being rejected. sun moon, I'm so sorry. I see your comments and then you negate them. A lot of the word "But" is present. Your own promises are not really being kept. Can you see what I mean?
we did get a little intimate one night this week, but was turned down several other times. he took the weekend off to hit a movie with me, we went to dinner, we did a little window shopping, and i noticed he spent a lot of money on everything which is very out of the norm for him. Did this^^ bother you? And did you show that?
he is also testing our some small "honor and respect boundaries" that we set up prior to getting married- I'm 99% positive that there isn't another woman, however he has been talking about past "friends" that were girls, being a little disrespectful when it comes to other women (not hiding it when hes staring at other women in front of me, talking about other "hot women", and searching out inappropriate things on the internet) It's almost like he knows he's in a position of power right now, and he is using it to his advantage to do what he wants knowing I won't say anything for fear I might push him over the edge. this is not only unfair but immature and disrespectful. Yes it is hurtful.
i love him dearly- we have a lot of fond memories, no kids but animals we share and love. could this be an early onset of midlife crisis?
I doubt it. There are reasonable explanations for this marital crisis, don't you think?This is more like the progression of problems that has now escalated.
Plus your course of action is the same, regardless of whether he's having an MLC or simply wants out. KEEP THAT IN MIND... could his demanding job and the pressure of a not so hot marriage be catapulting him into this very odd behavior? is it so odd, given that you describe a "not so hot marriage" and you're both so young, and you have your own issues, and my guess is he's not crazy about his job or hours...
I'm heartbroken, lost, and don't know whether to stay and weather this storm, or to separate for a bit.
I am trying extremely hard to be open and peaceful, not nag and slap a smile on my face when I just want to cry, guard my heart when it comes to his inability to "be there for me right now" but I am in agony.
Can you do an exercise for me for a few minutes? Just for a few minutes...
Imagine for just a little while, that your h had passed away -
Imagine now that you had grieved, and somehow you had processed his passing away,
and that you had recovered your life somehow. Imagine that you were at peace and had finally moved on.
Where would you be living? Would you travel often? Would you change jobs or go back to school? Would you have joined a club, or volunteered somewhere?
So, which of those ^^ things can you do, now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Can you do an exercise for me for a few minutes? Just for a few minutes...
Imagine for just a little while, that your h had passed away -
Imagine now that you had grieved, and somehow you had processed his passing away,
and that you had recovered your life somehow. Imagine that you were at peace and had finally moved on.
Damn, I like this!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
25yearsmlc, Thanks for all your input. seeing things in a different perspective helps. you are right. I have severely undermined his wants and needs to a point that he feels extremely pushed aside and unimportant. I know because he opened up to me about it finally, and I cannot say it's a lie. So this is one of many things I have already begun to change. My husband comes first.
One of the biggest changes we have both made are our religious beliefs. Both being "christian" to him not really knowing what he believes, and me ducking out of religion and just becoming more spiritual. BUT, even though he thinks what I practice is crazy, he and I both accept each other's right to believe what we want. When we were younger it was fun to hang out, watch movies, go out and drink, etc. as I've aged, I crave things with more substance- intelligent conversation, time in nature, travel, experiencing life instead of sitting in front of a tv. He hasn't grown out of it- it's still his favorite thing to do and in fact its become his life outside of work. these are the major changes, there are little ones here and there.
as far as his job- I have brought up the subject of him possibly quitting. He says that will probably never happen. He said he doesnt mind his job- he gets paid very well and most of the time the job is a cakewalk. ALthough I will say yes: he does blame me for the MAJORITY of the debt. we have already discussed this in counseling and we are already on a path to remedying the situation. even after the debt is gone, he says he still would not quit. He likes the money. as far as a mutual decision goes, it was, and he was also being pressured by his parents to take the job as well. his father and brother work there and his parents are very well off. its great pay, pension, cadillac insurance, the whole bit. he knew what he was getting himself into, because he had worked there as a temp as well during his college years.
the issues we had before his job started were what they are now but on a lesser scale- nagging, not meeting each other's needs, more or less falling into being "comfortable" and not keeping the spark in the marriage.
The fact that he doesn't feel sexually compatible hurts. He was much more sexually active than I before we started dating - and so I think that created a little bit of insecurity on my end, and maybe created some performance anxiety, making the play time less that fantastic. This issue is being addressed with counselor, and will be getting resolved.
I feel I have made tons of progress on my end. I have not nagged him once since the bomb, I have not begged for attention, I have used kind words and my tone of voice has been good, if something he had said made me angry I nicely got up and walked away...not saying a word. Ive asked to join him in the room to watch a movie, and he has liked that I am at least taking interest in wanting to share his likes with him.
I quit my job sort of unexpectedly, but was brought up a few times before I did it. He wanted me to at least have another job before I quit but circumstances at work and other factors gave me no other choice but to get out when I did, and He said he understood. I told him I would start looking for another job immediately and he told me not to rush it, that we would be fine, and to take some time to get myself healthy mentally, of which I sought counseling those months I was off.
yes, personal issues interfere with our marriage, which is why I sought counseling. they stem from my childhood. he knew this before we married. I am an introvert by nature, but when we started dating, he was completely fine with it, he even told me he can be right in the middle most of the time, wanting that alone time away from people. I am "selectively" social I guess you can say. I have a couple friends and I like to keep it that way, It's just who I am.
I do feel like he is trapped, smothered and depressed. seeing the situation from his perspective is scary. 7 day a week job, no end, debt, a marriage where each other's needs are not being met.....talk about misery. I am sad for him, and upset that I didn't see how my actions were weighing on him.
by no means though is this entirely on me. He has admitted that he has not been the husband to me that he knows he should be.
I didn't mean to say that this couple he knows would be "miserable in time"...what I meant was, just because their situation is ideal now doesn't mean it will be always. even the best couples go through rocky times, It's not a reason to give up and "on to the next". Yes, we have talked about how we can have what those two presently have.
can't go into much more detail for lack of time here, but I appreciate your breaking down my post and making me face it from another angle. We have made progress just in the last week and I am hopeful. I have made changes, him, well not so much, yet, I understand that he needs to deal with his emotions before he can begin to repair. That's why we both agreed to counseling, and I am only going to be focusing on how I can become a better friend, listener, and lover.
not sure where you live but do you think Retrovaille is something you 2 could attend?
The one we attended did NOT push Catholicism in any way (h is not Catholic and actually is more or less atheist now). But it is for couples.
An individual workshop you may find extremely beneficial to you is called "Essential Experience" (aka "EE") and it's in Philadelphia.
Though it's geared towards individual growth and self actualization, that obviously benefits marriages.
It also helped me as a parent and in all my r's. H later went completely due to changes he saw within me.
At the time, I did not attend EE for marital issues. We were young, very busy but happy. I found myself bogged down in old family dynamics near my family of origin. So I went to EE for reasons other than my marriage. But boy, it sure made the bond I felt for H, deeper.
Anyhow, there's a website of theirs. I still see it as the single most profound learning experience I've had.
I'm not saying we didn't backslide, b/c we did. Permanent changes must be reinforced and checked. I'm just saying EE was super helpful to me, personally, and relationally.
I had gotten some IC and I really liked my IC. But For ME, weekly therapy was not very "efficient" b/c even when I had breakthroughs or insights, I had to leave after an hour, and pick up the kids or return to work. It was very fragmented.
And With h's schedule, taking a long weekend was far easier than taking weekly appointments off.
Just a thought. Many DBers have attended it and found it very helpful.
Hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I will look into it for me at least, H has stated he only wants to work through our counselor for now. I'm hanging on. by a thread it seems, but I am strong.
We went to counseling yesterday and he had said some things I thought were very interesting- hurtful but interesting....
He basically models a marriage after his parents. He mentioned how his parents' marriage was, -basically they live pretty independent of each other- his dad has worked 7 days a week for the last 36 years and his mom is a social butterfly. I've never seen them hug, kiss, be affectionate in any way, their conversations with each other are often very sarcastic, and they don't do a whole lot together. then he proceeded to tell me I was too needy and that I was smothering him. that he is a confident man that needs his time and I don't give him that. so, from what i gather from all of that, he wants a woman like his mother.
another interesting thing I took away - he brought up a text I had sent him a couple days ago...I had left for the morning and he had went to the gym. I told him not to wait for me to eat lunch because I didn't know when I was going to be home. I ended up coming home early because the person I was going to go visit ended up being busy, and when I got home, he wasn't there. I kindly sent him a text saying, "hey im home, where are you at? did you eat lunch or do you need me to fix you something?" he stated to me that he wasnt in any way mad at me for the text, but that growing up, whenever he asked his mom where his dad was at, she would say "I dont know." He thinks I should just be oblivious to whats going on with him I guess? HOWEVER: when I went out last night, after he got out of work, it was "hey you still out?" and then when I didn't answer, he called me, wanted to know where I was at, and when I was gonna be home....really?? then today, same thing. I mentioned I was going to town- "why are you going to town? what are you gonna do there?" There's a lot of contradiction. I don't want to address it because I fear this will just make him more angry at me than he already is with this whole situation.
Update: things have been going "okay" for the most part up until yesterday. Saturday night, he went out after work with some co-workers for a couple drinks. i did not text him, ask when he was going to be home, I completely let him be and let him come home when he wanted. sunday morning rolls around and he asks if we were going to go to my grandmas for lunch (we dot this every sunday, with the whole family) I said that I hadnt planned on it because i was feeling slightly under the weather but he hinted that he wanted to go, so I agreed and we went. the entire time we were there, he stayed away from me completely. had very little conversation with anyone- played with the kids for a bit and talked a bit to my uncles but stayed completely away from me. after eating I finally got sick of the behavior and I got up to get my purse and said my goodbyes to everyone- he acted shocked that I was leaving sooner than i usually leave. He then got up and said he would leave too because he had to get around and get to work (we drove separate so he could go to work from there) as we were walking out to my car, I walked to my door and reached for the handle and he said "okay, so I guess bye?" he stood there like he was waiting for a hug - I turned to him and kindly said "well I really feel like you were needing your space today, youve acted like you didnt really want me around.." he said, "no I havent" and gave me a hug and kiss goodbye. later in the day on his lunch break he texted me "I'm having more confusion again, i feel detached today".
last night when he got home, same treatment- cold, went down into the basement and didn't come up until he came to bed. this morning was even more odd, he got up to go the the gym and never even said bye...this is very unusual for him.
So, I need advice- I havent gotten my hand on the DR book yet but am getting it...I need to know if its time for me to detach and leave for a while. I have shown in the last two weeks significant improvement. I have not done any of the things that he first complained about- I let him go out for the first time without a single text or worry of where he was at or when he was going to be home. he didn't even acknowledge what a huge stride that was for me. I want to save this marriage and feel like staying somewhere else and asking for no contact will help him S**t or get off the pot on his feelings for our marriage.
I havent gotten my hand on the DR book yet but am getting it...I need to know if its time for me to detach and leave for a while. I have shown in the last two weeks significant improvement. I have not done any of the things that he first complained about- I let him go out for the first time without a single text or worry of where he was at or when he was going to be home. he didn't even acknowledge what a huge stride that was for me. I want to save this marriage and feel like staying somewhere else and asking for no contact will help him S**t or get off the pot on his feelings for our marriage.
Try not to base your changes on his noticing them or not... The thing is, they are for you and not him. Just make sure to change for your own self and not anyone else - because if you do it for someone else it never works in the first place and will only lead to resentment.
As far as detaching, its for your sanity. Not for him...for you to work on yourself.
And, as far as pushing him to notice/change his feelings about the marriage...there is nothing you can do. Remember the butterfly analogy?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep74, everything you say is true, it's just hard for me to come to terms with it. at this point, after the weird behavior he pulled this morning after I had written the post, I feel there is something wrong him, more than what he is letting on. He, for the first time in a long time, initiated sex after returning home from the gym this morning. I was shocked. especially after his extremely walled off behavior yesterday. at first i though, WOOHOO!! he's back! but then I quickly reminded myself not to get excited, because it could all turn around in an instant, and it did afterwards. sulky, depressed behavior within an hour of ML.
One of the hardest - and most painful - things that I faced while going through all this was coming to terms with reality. You know, for the longest time I tried to ignore that great big elephant in the room. I always thought that if I did DB this way or that way, that she'd come back. Never did. And going on two weeks divorced now.
Another thing that I had to realize was that everything - and all the answers to my crazy posts back then - was geared toward helping me become the best that I can. If the ex were to come back, then what would have been a by-product of it all...but she didn't, and I learned through all of the awesome help on here is that I could stand on my own two feet without my legs feeling as if they would collapse.
I never thought I'd come to grips with losing her - my wife, best friend, and lover - but I did. I find that I'm better than OK now. My future isn't the one I wanted, but its the hand I was dealt. I have two amazing kids that need me to be the best that I can, and that's where my heart and life lies.
You have this...and you, too, will be better than fine.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thanks Jeep74. every day that goes by it's becoming easier for me to accept a possible split. Not saying it doesn't still scare me, but looking at it from a spiritual sense, for me at least, I know there is a reason behind everything, and we grow from the darkest of nights. there is a line in a song I like from Disturbed, it says "sometimes darkness can show you the light". I can take this two different ways- either this whole blowup was supposed to happen to expose our faults, and help up to become stronger in our marriage- or it's meant to catapult us into something much greater for each of us, individually, as we go our separate ways. I'm becoming closer to accepting the latter, but, It still hurts, tremendously.
Thanks Jeep74. every day that goes by it's becoming easier for me to accept a possible split. Not saying it doesn't still scare me, but looking at it from a spiritual sense, for me at least, I know there is a reason behind everything, and we grow from the darkest of nights. there is a line in a song I like from Disturbed, it says "sometimes darkness can show you the light". I can take this two different ways- either this whole blowup was supposed to happen to expose our faults, and help up to become stronger in our marriage- or it's meant to catapult us into something much greater for each of us, individually, as we go our separate ways. I'm becoming closer to accepting the latter, but, It still hurts, tremendously.
I like your line of thinking, and quite honestly wish I was like that back then. It will always hurt, in some form. Always. Just as they will always be a part of us...there just is no getting around that fact. And there will always be something that will jog a memory or something and everything will come flooding back. So far, that hasn't happened. But, I'm also at a place where I'd be OK never seeing or talking to her again. I don't know what got me to that point, and at times that bothers me a little.
You just have to learn how to compartmentalize things in that regard. It will always be there. And in time, you'll come to find that memories will be happy. Weird, I know.
You got this. You are in a far better place than I was at your point!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
there are days, or just even hours that I think I "got this" and then the next thing I know I am just overwhelmed with fear and sadness. last night, as I was leaving the gym, I thought to myself -"wow, I feel like everything will be okay either way. this is a great feeling." then waking up this morning next to him I was like "NOOOOOO!" I can't lose him!" ugh. It's up and down, but like I said, that little light beaming from the keyhole at the end of that long, dark and scary tunnel is making itself known.
there are days, or just even hours that I think I "got this" and then the next thing I know I am just overwhelmed with fear and sadness. last night, as I was leaving the gym, I thought to myself -"wow, I feel like everything will be okay either way. this is a great feeling." then waking up this morning next to him I was like "NOOOOOO!" I can't lose him!" ugh. It's up and down, but like I said, that little light beaming from the keyhole at the end of that long, dark and scary tunnel is making itself known.
You'll find that little light will grow brighter every day. It was almost 2.5 years from BD to divorce. In that time, I was just like you - I got this, then NO, yes, no, etc. I was more up and down than a freaking roller coaster. But, suddenly I was like, I GOT THIS. And I did.
It was like trudging up a muddy hill in a blinding rainstorm...for every step up it was like 10 back. A long, long haul. Me? I'm in a great place now. I'm happy for the first time in a long, long time.
But you are right, that tunnel is dark. And scary.
The gym is awesome. Find a punching bag, too. What are your hobbies?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
punching bag sounds great! I am basically an outdoor gal. So, basically anything outdoorsy- animals, horseback riding, camping, hiking, canoeing, organic gardening and canning, those types of things. I like connecting with the natural world more than anything. So since it's spring, finally, and the weather is warming up, it will be easier to get back into what I love to do. I've been wanting to take up archery - traditional bow- because my H loves shooting bow and I thought it would be a great way to connect with him, and I had always been interested in it. I asked for one for christmas....did'nt get one. oh well.
Archery sounds like a great idea! Just so as long as you don't take it up thinking it will catch his interests, but I know I don't have to tell you that. One of the things that make it great is that it requires total concentration - which takes your mind off of things. My brother has both compound and long bows. I never learned to shoot them, though.
I, too, love the outdoor stuff. Great hobbies you have. Love hiking, too. When was stationed in upstate NY, spent many a time hiking on the trails and all. Good stuff.
The point of me asking about hobbies is that they are a great, great way to occupy your mind. For a long time after BD, I didn't do mine - until I restarted and really dove in. Helped me through some of the darkest of times.
And the punching bag works great! Especially if you tape a picture on it...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
haha, that last line made me laugh! I can just picture myself doing that, and then be like- oh no, I didn't mean to hurt you! haha!! Yes my favorite place to go is the Upper Penninsula, Michigan. Hiking along the pictured rocks national lakeshore, it's like my slice of heaven up there. We are supposed to head back in June, but who knows, now. we had an amazing time up there last year, so I'm sure those memories are going to come flooding in...blah! Long bow is what I want to try. My Uncle may be setting me up with one, I just haven't gotten around to asking him yet. Yeah, as far as my hobbies go, I have no interest in them right now, as pathetic as that seems. all of my energy is focused on saving this marriage, it's all I can even get my brain to do. Keeping my seedlings alive under my growlight is even a hard task for me at this point, and I was down there every other hour watching them grow before this all happened.
Never spent any time in that part of the country. All up and down the eastern seaboard with the exceptions of a few TADs in San Diego and San Antonio. Bet that is beautiful country. There was this place we'd always go in NY that was stunning. Especially after snow was on the ground. Wish could post pics on here as the scenery is amazing.
[quoteYeah, as far as my hobbies go, I have no interest in them right now, as pathetic as that seems. all of my energy is focused on saving this marriage, it's all I can even get my brain to do. Keeping my seedlings alive under my growlight is even a hard task for me at this point, and I was down there every other hour watching them grow before this all happened.][/quote]
It took me a long time to even want to work on them. Now, my son and I do them. How awesome is that?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I can just picture myself doing that, and then be like- oh no, I didn't mean to hurt you
Forgot to add that in...
I taped a pic of the ex and the OM on the one I used. That is, when the gym owner wasn't around...haha
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
very awesome! I don't have kids, but I am close to my sister's kids. What's even better is that they are nature kids too, so maybe it's time to have them over for some auntie bonding
Sounds awesome! Spend time with them..its wayyyyy therapeutic
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
had a long, calm and collected conversation with H last night. his mind is confused, he still doesn't know how to reconnect with me or even if the feelings will ever come back for me. he stays because he doesn't want to regret divorcing, but at this point he is numb to any feeling he has toward me. he loves me, he cares for me, he hold no ill will towards me, he just has disconnected to a point that he feels all is lost.
I have decided to detach, while still living here- do a 180. work on myself. be happy when hes around. that way if he needs me, I;m here, but I'm not going to push anything or suggest anything or even try to connect with him. He will need to make that effort on his own accord. I'm physically, emotionally and mentally drained to a point that its hard to even stay awake during the day. I can't keep doing this, my health is my priority now.
Our in-house separation was the worst. You say you can't keep doing this, so what are your plans?
The sun will always rise, just as you will. Take care of yourself first and foremost. The rest will fall in line. Oh, and go find a punching bag...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
well after a serious, long heart to heart talk with my sister tonight, Ive decided that I'm no longer going to be his doormat. I have not only owned up to my mistakes, but I've reflected on them, and put into place changes regarding my behavior. He no longer gets to control what happens because he is "confused". I've realized I've been putty in his hands and I'm tired of feeling like I can't say or do things for fear he will leave. Tired of letting him call all the shots, while I sit here and bleed out.....done. I'm 180ing. If he leaves, then I guess it's a sign that he was going to probably leave eventually anyway, and that I have to take these last 9 years and use it as a lesson for the future. he texted me from work a few hours ago saying that he thinks he is having his first anxiety attack, chest is heavy, hard to breathe, wanting to yell and scream. and then again, used that line, "I'm just so confused"......DUDE. why are you coming to me to be soothed and comforted- I'm the one making you confused, right? seriously, It doesn't even make sense. I kindly just texted back, "Im sorry you feel that way. I know how it feels." and that was it. I'm just so tired of this game. he either loves me or he doesn't. man up, get help or get out. (I'm angry).
both of my sisters have my back, and I have a place to go post divorce, if it happens. I'm getting my ducks in a row just in case. going to be going over legal rights sometimes soon to be prepared.
well after a serious, long heart to heart talk with my sister tonight, Ive decided that I'm no longer going to be his doormat. I have not only owned up to my mistakes, but I've reflected on them, and put into place changes regarding my behavior. He no longer gets to control what happens because he is "confused". I've realized I've been putty in his hands and I'm tired of feeling like I can't say or do things for fear he will leave. Tired of letting him call all the shots, while I sit here and bleed out.....done. I'm 180ing. If he leaves, then I guess it's a sign that he was going to probably leave eventually anyway, and that I have to take these last 9 years and use it as a lesson for the future.
Good for you! You are owning your road - isn't that an awesome feeling? Living one's life centered around the actions of another is wrong, just wrong... I'm so glad you are doing well!
Quote:
he texted me from work a few hours ago saying that he thinks he is having his first anxiety attack, chest is heavy, hard to breathe, wanting to yell and scream. and then again, used that line, "I'm just so confused"......DUDE. why are you coming to me to be soothed and comforted- I'm the one making you confused, right? seriously, It doesn't even make sense. I kindly just texted back, "Im sorry you feel that way. I know how it feels." and that was it. I'm just so tired of this game. he either loves me or he doesn't. man up, get help or get out. (I'm angry).
I swear that screams of attention...as in wanting to keep your attention on him which allows you to keep him on his hook. Great answer!!!!
Did you find a punching bag yet?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep74, no not yet, but my uncle has one that Im considering asking if I can borrow been tough this morning, he has been sulking, literally in his tacos crying. attention? honestly I don't know what to do for him.
Jeep74, no not yet, but my uncle has one that Im considering asking if I can borrow been tough this morning, he has been sulking, literally in his tacos crying. attention? honestly I don't know what to do for him.
Just tell him its not your circus, not your monkey...
Seriously though, it sounds as if he needs to sort himself out. Best thing you can do? Just what you have been. We have been blessed (and cursed) with the ability to NOT see into the future, so we have to plan for it by building on the current. You are so far ahead of where I was at your stage.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Sunmoon, I kicked mine out in October because my kids asked me to. We had so much tension and drama in the house. I realize now that I didn't have to play my part in that. I didn't have to be hurt. I didn't have to be afraid. I didn't have to cry or wonder or care. I read a post Vanilla wrote about the picnic strategy. I should have done that. I should I have shown him to his face while he was still here how awesome I am and his kids are and our life is. Now he is 50 miles away and we do not communicate.
I think if you are able to follow your sister's guidance, you can drop your rope. You can live your life and let him see every day what an awesome person you are (and that comes across in your posts). You don't have to worry about what he thinks of you on any one of those days or moments. The one thing I realize more than anything right now, is that I allowed my life to be ruled by fear and fear stopped me from listening to my gut and doing what was best for me and my kids. I will never live in fear again. I accept his divorce. I accept that he is choosing a life different than the one I thought we would live. I accept that not all kids get to have wonderful, adoring fathers in their lives. I accept that my destiny and my happiness are within my control. You can do that too!
I accept that my destiny and my happiness are within my control. You can do that too!
OwnIt,
Both you and Sunmoon are awesome! So so so far ahead of where I was at ya'lls stages.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thanks Jeep, I've learned much from you and those in line before you. If you haven't read SAL's post today do. This really wrapped up so much of what I have been feeling.
I am so grateful for all of you. This forum has and is still helping me cope daily. I am a committed, loyal and honest person and so it is hard for me to accept what is being done to me. I have never stepped out of our marriage, I have always, always taken care of him. Sure, I have issues, I'm not the best wife all the time, and sometimes I know that I can be way out of line, but none of us are perfect. I feel I deserve so much more than what I am currently being treated like; And to know that treatment is coming from the one person I love the most- the one I share my secrets, insecurities, hopes and dreams, the physical me, the emotional me. It's such a feeling of betrayal. I still do have my moments every day where I break down, I feel like its all coming crashing down and I'm losing everything, and then I have my moments that I know I'm strong and will get through this. not to get too spiritual, but my belief is our lives are already predestined before we come to this earth- we choose what happens to us in order for us to learn a lesson, fulfill karma or grow spiritually. I can see where this whole mess is teaching me a lesson; how to let go and trust. how to be strong, how to stand up for myself, and how to learn to be happy with myself first. because, quite frankly, I lack all of those qualities at this point. I have always been looking outward for my happiness, and I have always let myself be a doormat, in every area of my life. childhood situations have made me distrust everyone in my life, however I have been seeking counseling for everything I just listed, and I have had many, many breakthroughs (go me!!)
Thanks Jeep, I've learned much from you and those in line before you. If you haven't read SAL's post today do. This really wrapped up so much of what I have been feeling.
And thank you. I read it. Good stuff!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
am a committed, loyal and honest person and so it is hard for me to accept what is being done to me. I have never stepped out of our marriage, I have always, always taken care of him. Sure, I have issues, I'm not the best wife all the time, and sometimes I know that I can be way out of line, but none of us are perfect
I am/was, too. And that's one of the things that made it rather difficult to take. I never even considered it. Sad thing, I never was told a lot of things I should have been told. We all have issues. All of us!
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I feel I deserve so much more than what I am currently being treated like
Yes. Yes you do.
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however I have been seeking counseling for everything I just listed, and I have had many, many breakthroughs (go me!!
Good for you! Recognizing and seeking help are great steps in personal development and growth. I wish my ex had done that after her childhood trauma. I really do. I feel that we'd be in a much different and better place. But, it is what it is.
I'm so proud of you! I've said this many times before and will say it again, you are in a much better place than I was at your stage. Good on ya!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thanks Jeep. Today has been hard. not sure why. I haven't cried, but my brain wants to go back to panic mode, and my stomach is turning. last night I was fine. just not feeling it today...He is at counseling right now as we speak. He got up late, we exchanged 'good mornings' and a few minutes later I let him know I was taking off. he scanned me up and down and knew I wasn't dressed for work but he didn't ask where I was going. I went to pick up my longbow
It's really hard sleeping next to someone that you know doesn't love you anymore. I think I am just going to take the spare bedroom for a while. last two nights he has come home from work, showered and came right to bed, which is highly unusual for him. not sure what that is all about but I don't want to read into anything anymore. it is what it is, unfortunately. for his sake, I hope he can find happiness soon. whether it is with or without me. Although I want it to be with me, I know that it is highly possible this could all end soon. today I'm just hurting. Oy, I hate this! I keep thinking I didn't do anything bad enough that deserved all this; Like I'm being punished. I know deep down it's not the case. I guess another wave of emotions are starting to surface.
Today has been hard. not sure why. I haven't cried, but my brain wants to go back to panic mode, and my stomach is turning. last night I was fine. just not feeling it today...He is at counseling right now as we speak. He got up late, we exchanged 'good mornings' and a few minutes later I let him know I was taking off. he scanned me up and down and knew I wasn't dressed for work but he didn't ask where I was going.
I know the feeling. I've been up and down so many times that it was worse than a roller coaster. His actions remind me so much of my ex's. From the time she left to move to her next duty station to divorce, 90% of our conversation when something like this: "S." That's it. Just an "S" for Skype. It numbed me so much that it got to the point of me not even caring to see her face on the screen when the kids talk. And that's where I am now. I just don't care anymore.
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I went to pick up my longbow smile
Sweet! Let me know how you like it. Oh, I've extended the offer to join our band of misfits at TW and it still stands.
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It's really hard sleeping next to someone that you know doesn't love you anymore
It is sucktastic. No other way to say it. But DO NOT leave the room and marital bed. He left the marriage, not you.
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, I hate this! I keep thinking I didn't do anything bad enough that deserved all this; Like I'm being punished. I know deep down it's not the case. I guess another wave of emotions are starting to surface
No, no you didn't. None of us did. And you aren't being punished - not in the least bit, but I get what you are saying. It just plain is sucktastic that they choose to leave a good family. Sigh. It is what it is.
You'll find that over time the emotions will diminish. However, he - just like my ex - will always be a ghost locked somewhere away in your mind. They will never truly disappear, and neither will these emotions, no matter how much we want them to. There will always be something that will kick it off - not as bad as now, but still there. Me? Even though I'm divorced and this marriage isn't returning, there are little things that will flood the memories back. It's all in how we process and compartmentalize.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Haha. Tacoma World. Yes, its a truck forum, but in it we have a chat going. Currently there are roughly 20 - 30 there, although not all are on the same chat. We refer to ourselves as the DB misfits. Great, great group! Look me up - SpacemanSpiff and shoot a message. We will go from there.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep, advice please!! I talked to my sister a bit more tonight. everyone in my support circle thinks he is cheating. They think he's more conflicted in his mind because he's got another woman and he doesn't know whether to break everything off with me, his "comfortable life" for the other woman. I have to admit, even though he doesn't have much time to cheat, It has crossed my mind. If that were the case, there would be no 180ing, I'd be done. That is a deal breaker for me.
Should I confront him? ask him straight up? I know he could still lie to me, but my sisters literally want to follow him around for a few days, they are concerned for me and want the best for me. I'm conflicted about it. of course I want to know, without having to snoop. I would want him to come clean. I would not allow myself to go through any more of this if there's another woman.
Sun, that's a hard question for us to answer. Think that's one you need to decide for yourself. I'll tell you that after BD I did snoop and found a bunch of stuff between W and OM. Very explicit stuff. Not pleasant to find and it really had me off balance for a while. I snooped bc my gut told me something like that was going on. Finding confirmation of it really sucked though.
i say all that to let you know that finding something like that out will crush you for a bit, regardless of how you think you may feel about it. dont make the decision to actively pursue an answer lightly. I'd offer that you will get no comfort from any answer your H will provide. If he says no, then you will still wonder if he's lying. If he says yes, then you need to be willing to bail if that's a deal breaker for you.
In my situation I needed to know what I was up against. I'd thought W cheating on me would be a deal breaker, but when push came to shove I swallowed my pride and decided I'd fight for my family. Don't be surprised if it's not so black and white if you get an answer you don't like.
I know how hard it is for you right now. We've all been where you are. Jeep has excellent advice in his posts through your thread. Keep the focus on you and let this thing play out. Get that punching bag and beat the crap out of it! We are all here for you and know that you will be ok! Hang in there!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
haha. And Yes, this is what I have been trying to do. It has been so hard listening to him and not being able to defend myself or even say anything productive. But I have been keeping my mouth shut. the last couple of days he has been playing off of my insecurities as well. He's been making a point to say things that would make me feel...I guess jealous maybe? And Im not sure where this is coming from or why. maybe testing me? I don't think he is being an adult about this whole situation, I think it's a horrible thing to do to a person, to know their weak points and use them in a time like this. never in a million years would I think he would display this type of behavior. it is so heartbreaking to me.