To me there is no chance because I will not be able to take him back and risk this happening again. I don't want to go through this again if he's showing he leaves when things get tough.
It would be worse for him to stay and then eventually leave because I cannot live in this environment of how we are two ships passing. It is not a good environment. He comes and goes as he pleases and this is not a hotel. he doesn't not do anything for the boys besides come to their soccer games. My dad or I provide soul care. This is something counselornsaid we have created a monster. We don't expect anything of him. He leaves for work in the morning around 6 comes home at 8. Showers and eats dinner and sits on the couch all night. Doesn't have to lift a finger. The only thing he now does is his own laundry.
So yes my fear is that he is staying for his own financial reasons. He even said so himself. 'Why can I not stay and we be separated when it's better for everyone financially'
He doesn't have to show me he's trying in his way just in some way he is not trying in anyway. Ignoring me not acknowledging me shows me he has no interest in me what so ever. I used to get multiple texts a day called on the way home etc. so to go from that to nothing in the matter of less than 24 hours with no change in 15 days.
I don't need one specific thing. It hurts me he doesn't check on me or anything regarding me being 35 weeks pregnant. He normally would ask if there's something special i wanted or just how I'm feeling but there's none of that. I'm open to anything whether it be talking to me or showing me something by action. It just hurts to get nothing but ignored.
I feel like I have backed off since friday. He brought up the counselor Monday. And I've backed off and saw no difference in him toward me.
My effort to fix things would be me asking how his day was. Kissinf him when he got home BUT he doesn't want that so I'm not sure what it would look like. I guess I told wouldcjust be me asking how his day was.
My silence is silence. It's not snide comments but it is withholding. It's me talking to him making small talk realizing he doesn't want to talk so then not talking and doing my own thing in the house with the kids basically acting normal with my kids and my dad and just not talking to him. It's not detachment. It's anxious. It's walking around trying to act fine.
Well it's only been a little over 2 weeks so I can say what I've done differently since I first told him I was concerned with his behavior. That's how this started. Me telling him I wanted to talk. That his behavior was concerning. Then the talk turned into him blaming me for his behavior and saying he was done.
But what I've done is tell him I care about him and want this marriage to work. That I'm willing to own my faults and work on this together. I have him space the first week when he asked for it by staying at my moms for 4 days. I didn't text him about it or bring anything up.
I now it doesn't matter about what he thinks or does. But he's trying to portray himself as the good guy to everyone. I can guarantee all our Friends we see on the weekends at soccer would shut him out if he leaves me and they find out he doesn't want to be casted out by others. He wants everyone to like him. Even one of the dads asked me what was up with h. He said is he being overly friendly or what. He said i must be taking good care of him .. I was thinking in my mind if you only knew how far from the truth that was
All I'm saying is at the end of the day there is nothing here to cause this marriage to be broken. He just doesn't want to be married to me. He brought up that he shouldn't have to ask me permission like when he wanted to take the boys to a race with my dad my dad said ask W. h said he shouldn't have to ask me. I said H you don't but it's just marriage. You communicate and tell each other your plans. It's not about permission. He just continues to come up with all these things wrong that he never talked to me about until the volcano erupted. That's what I'm angry about. Is these are all resolvable issues he just let it fester instead of talking to me.
(((TO))) I am trying very hard to think of new things to tell you to bring you down off of this merry-go-round. I can only think of the same things and feel like I am being inconsiderate, or not thoughtful, by repeating myself. Even as you unveil new details, my advice to you is the same.
Put H on the back burner for now, practice extreme self care, try and prioritize baby & kids and create some positive memories during this time, and no decisions have to be made today. You flip-flop and it is clear you want this M/family, even as hurt and angry as you are. I see you speaking in absolutes (I understand, I do that too), but really, people and feelings are changing all the time. There is no way to predict the future.
Here is what I do know, and that is my own sitch, and while I was drowning in the emotions, I could not see it with the clarity that I do now. So here are some examples of how much my ideas, feelings, and sitch changed.
--I always said, as did H, that I could never see past any type of infidelity. This is still a huge struggle for me, but as I am many years older and have a family and home to consider, I realize that it is not this black and white.
--H was not himself or the person I truly loved during his ea (8 months) or when he left me for his full blown A (10 months), and I didn't think I would ever have that person I married back. The reality I can see now is that while we call them "aliens," they really are people like us, and all people are capable of mistakes. You can't know if you can forgive a mistake until after it has happened and things start to change.
--H said many times that he was done with the M and wanted D. I believed him, even though my heart couldn't accept it, I didn't think it would ever work. He admits now that he was full of confusion, self blame, and regret. He has worked on himself and changing for two years, and I could have never seen that happenings years ago.
--My H completely rewrote history and "blamed" me for as much as he could. On some level, he knew this was BS, and was trying hard to convince us both in a meager attempt to absolve his own guilt. I see your H doing some of the same.
(I could really go on and on with examples)
I want to say that all of your Hs blaming sounds like spew to me and I would adopt the "believe none of what they say and half of what they do" philosophy. He is trying to blame you for not trusting him, for his own unhappiness, when he is the one lying, neglecting you, and now recruiting your family to support him. It's crazy town. From my side of the screen, it's all BS.
I'm sorry, but all of this indicates waywardness and that there is OW. Now you say that all you need is evidence and you are done, it's over, etc. Well I believe in time you will get that. Here is the thing tho, my advice to stay put remains. You have got a lot on your plate and I want you to play your cards right. Please don't kick him to the curb to punish him; if you want to punish him, then you hold your head up high, pay him no mind, and be that woman only a fool would leave. He is already looking like a fool. You do you and let him sink. THIS IS HOW YOU WIN.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
That was my H with previousBD and he really became the man I knew and loved. Just the last 3 weeks he's snapped again.
I went out to do laundry and didn't realize he was out there working out. He asked me how my day was. I asked him how his was. We didn't talk much about anything R related minus him asking me about the counselor and if I made an appointment. He did make sure to say he wanted to go alone.
We talked about our sons birthday and Hs grandparents are coming in town as well this weekend. I ended the conversation and told him I'd talk to him tomorrow.
I know he is spewing on me but I can speak in absolute that if there is OW I am done. I will not do it twice and especially while I'm pregnant. It is disgusting if that's the case. I'm just hoping there isn't like we all do but it is absolute that it will be over and kicking him out will be for myself. If there's no OW I can hang on for a little bit.
I see a lot of the man that he was last time with BD the only difference is he hasn't moved out. But I guess that's what has me so anxious and dreadful because I've been on this ride and I feel like I know Where it's going based on his behavior and words.
Thank you for your patience. I know what I have to do. It's just hard getting there. It is very therapeutic for me to get all my thoughts out without having to worry about. Ring careful with what I say and having you all give Me your advice and thoughts. It helps me to not discuss it with others. My parents are really the onty ones I talk to about it.
Thanks for checking on me. Not much to report. H had like a 40minute discussion with me last night. My response was just I can't live like this either and I just want to focus on having the baby and being happy. If he can't do those things then maybe he should go so he can have more space. He told me again that's why he wants to go see the counselor alone to understand why he feels this way. That he doesn't want to do anything to make things better because it would be forcing himself. He said he is comfortable sleeping on the couch and having things the way they are (is not interacting except for family stuff, him being let alone, sleeping on the couch).
He told me he is pissed that I would even think after 'all' this time that he's out [censored] someone. I just clarified that I don't think that. But I do think there may be someone who is consuming his time and a texting or phone based relationship which is how it started last time. He told me to go on his Facebook and check the phone bill. I said I didn't have the password. He told me it was the same as always (it's not I just said I didn't want to have to do that and I wasn't going to.
Anyway, I ended the conversation. I don't plan on talking to him about it anymore. It's my sons birthday today and I want to have a good weekend. He can continue to be comfortable alone. He's missing out ultimately. I am going to make him the counseling appointment since he has asked 3 times. I think it's just going to be something where he says he tried like last BD.
I started clinical yesterday. I'm with my own personal OB so it's a constant reminder of happy couples welcoming babies. She's going to do my appointment today while I'm there for clinical so I want to see if she's concerned about my weight. I haven't lost anymore I'm staying at the weight from last week. I've been eating and drinking better so hopefully I'll just maintain this weight.
My boys are getting awards at school this morning. I normally always go but I'm in a time crunch to finish my hours for school before the baby comes. So H is going.
Anyway so I guess that's where I'm at.
I don't understand why he feels like doing anything is forcing himself. I did tell him I don't understand how he flipped a switch. He went from the night before kissing me I love you etc to sleeping on the couch no kissing no I love you for 2 1/2 weeks now. I don't get how you just turn that off.
Again, he said he would be forcing those things and he doesn't want to sleep in the room to make things worse and make himself more angry.
I don't understand why he feels like doing anything is forcing himself. I did tell him I don't understand how he flipped a switch. He went from the night before kissing me I love you etc to sleeping on the couch no kissing no I love you for 2 1/2 weeks now. I don't get how you just turn that off.
Things like this are a long time in the making - these decisions don't happen over night. And, I'd be willing to bet that some of "love you's" are an act. Hell, two weeks before BD, my ex wrote the most loving anniversary card...and you know what? It was while she was in the midst of her affair. So, don't read into things and don't let the what if's control you - because they can easily consume you to the point of no looking back.
Quote:
I call BS.
I don't. It is what it is. Take care of your own road. He is on his and it only has room for him. Be the best 324 you can!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
We had just been traveling and just bought property to build our dream home. You don't do those things when you plan on leaving. I truly believe he's literally just snapped. Maybe some of it was there but not for a long time.
I truly believe he's literally just snapped. Maybe some of it was there but not for a long time.
I'm a believer that many of our spouses just snap. It may be building or there, but something makes them snap. After that, there's no going back. I do acknowledge the other point of view that our spouses have felt this way for a long time and they finally just articulated it or took action on it (see how i'm validating there? I'm practicing).
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
