My job is emotionally very taxing. If I were to do it right I could spend 70+ hours on it and actually see some significant success, but of course with three kids on my own, I don't have 70 hours to give to it. But I'm trying to give it 55-60 hours a week, which means very often I've got long hours and late evenings which sometimes impact the kids. On top of that, I'm pursuing necessary certifications that require a lot of study of very dry material, that's over and above my working hours. Should be 1-2 hours per night, but it's hard to squeeze in without falling asleep in the book.
Sometimes I wonder if I've had enough and should try to find a job that puts less strain on me, but the success I've had up to now brings responsibilities with it that make me reluctant to follow through on that.
This is a ton of hours. I've worked those types of hours for bursts while I was married, but never sustained them. I might have a few months of that, then a number of months of 45 to smooth things along.
My current job is similar, but I just refuse to put in more than 45. I know that in professional corporate america there are careers in which 55 hours+ a week is the price of admission. I just can't do it. Unless my family was missing meals if there was any other way I'd go another way. I would rather have less meaningful or challenging work than be that over extended. My kids need me so much right now and they are all at critical ages in their own way.
I am taking them to chess tournaments as you know. I have a skype meeting set up with S12 and a guy that is going to do a little more mentoring for his mad coding skills. I do homework with D6. I do some chess homework with my daughters. I read to them, just finished Dune and am going to HitchHiker's Guide next. Should be fun. We eat at the table most nights and watch a show before bed (working through the old Full House sit com, it's great, all about a dad and his girls with no mom in the picture...).
Now, I have help as my mother moved in with me. It has been a huge weight off my back and I couldn't do all of these things without that support. But my point is that if I worked a 55 hour job I'd have to give a lot of that up. Maybe your children are a bit older and don't want to spend their time with you, and that makes a difference. My kids still want to spend time with me, maybe when that changes I'll change my priorities a little. But right now they need me.
I think you can do this for a while longer and see what gives. If your certifications are just a short term additional responsibility maybe it will lighten up a little. Maybe you find a way to manage all of this. Maybe your job can be smoothed into a 45 hour a week gig in the next 3-6 months. If in a few months you absolutely can't keep pace and there is no more you can cut from your plate, then you can always pull the lever and look at career alternatives.
What would you have to give up to work a 45 hour job? Income? Tenure? Quality of life? It's easy to say cut hours, but obviously it's not so easy in the real world.
Hang in there. My only real advice is not to extrapolate and think that it will be like this for 8 years. That's just too much. And it won't be. Something has to give. Just because you don't have the answer yet doesn't mean you won't find it. You will.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
If it seems like you are burning the candle at both ends its because from what you describe, you are! There is a reason that the standard and norm is a husband and a wife. It really does take both people working together. It's yet another reason why D just totally [censored]. I know you did not chose D and I don't at all want that to sound like blame. I'm just trying to have it make sense.
I can tell you that among the things I really regret, is how much I worked and gave to a volunteer organization. It came at the price if doing more with the family. At the time I got tremendous satisfaction but now as I look back it was just not worth it. On top of it, much of what I busted my butt to build while putting in 60'and 70 hour weeks is starting to fall apart anyhow under current leadership. No one remembers or trunks much about my sacrifice so was it even worth it without the cost to family? If I can say anything here I'd say put family above any job. Yes you have to make a living and provide. Not saying not to do that. Just not at the first of the boys or your D. If something has to give, do the best you can at the hours you can and be good with that. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how I did it although part of my drug addiction was tied to that productivity. In about 6 or 7 years you'll still have plenty of time to full court press a job. You'll still be plent young enough, ge kids will be old enough and you'll have more time. It's okay to say you just can't do it right now.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Thank you all for the encouragement. I'm still burning the candle at both ends, but My Guy went away on a trip for a week so I've had time to myself to churn through some of the delayed house stuff, and that has helped my mental space. I miss him a lot, though, so I'm not looking to trade my relationship for an orderly home... I just hope at some point I get to a place where I am not in chaos even when he's around.
I've gotten very Meh about Mr. Fantastic, so I've slightly defrosted my stance towards him, which has had an odd result. It's that when I let him be around, it's like things are normal between us. And also, I find myself nostalgic for the days when there were two of us running the household and how much easier it was in those days. Especially in the last week, when I've had MANY dental appointments, kid events (not just activities), therapy runs, snow days, etc., and I recall how I was able to focus on doing what I did well and he was too.
This afternoon he came to pick up S11 for dinner. S11 and I were doing a little post-dentist science experiment with baking soda and citric acid and I let S11 invite his dad in to show him. It was a little family moment like we used to have, mellow and cheerful. I didn't mind him being in my house. He said it'd make a good volcano and I said that was what we'd done for D13's 1st grade science fair project. He said, "Oh." He didn't know, because he'd been in India that month. He missed a lot. And I felt kind of badly for him -- here I get to enjoy these wonderful moments with my kids, and say yes to things (even if I do have to also say no to lots of things) and he didn't even know how pleasant this could be.
We never fought. Even when he was hot and heavy with his affair, we typically had a show we watched together, drank a glass of wine together and chatted while I made dinner, and had a nice dinner together. We planned our move east together in a romantic golf cart ride around his parents' neighborhood. (Long story). I've spent a lot of time in the last three years concentrating on how he done me wrong, but the other part of the truth is that we got along together very well. We understood each other. He just didn't want to engage as deeply as I did, I guess, and he didn't want the responsibility of the family. I guess.
He was a horrendous husband. But he was a good buddy. I'm feeling sad that part is lost, because I can't ever let my guard down this much again or it will feel weird that we aren't a family. He chose to be in India the month S13 turned 7. He missed many of her birthdays, honestly, and lots of other things too. He kicked off his affair on S9's 5th birthday, while he was on the east coast and I was wrapping up our move on the west coast. He chose that. But even now, if I let it be, things between us could be so easy that it would be an easy slippery slope back into normal. And that can not be, after how hard I fought through the last three years. And am still fighting.
My Guy wants things between us all to be normal and easy and friendly. He took pictures for Mr. Fantastic at the last kid event, at Mr. F's request. But I just can't do that. Mr. Fantastic is a taker, and he will take. He can't help it. And I will let him, if I'm not very, very careful, and that can not be permitted. We are SEPARATE. I know who he is and that's not what I want for myself. I miss My Guy and can't wait for him to be home. I hope that isn't part of this nostalgia for Mr. F.
Betsey would probably say it's a good thing for things to get to this place, but I feel very strongly that I must guard against it. I miss my old, manageable life (and yes, I always thought it was manageable, but I also weighed 15 pounds more than I do now, so there was at least some part of me that was miserable...). I miss old patterns, an easy friendship, my sense of rightness. I miss the guy I thought he was.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Wow, Maybell....I'm always so in awe of how deeply you think and how well you explain your feelings. I know what you mean about keeping your guard up to avoid slipping back into a situation that might have seemed comfortable but that you know looking back now, would be bad for you. (Paraphrasing what you said, of course.) I long for those days when I had a partner, someone who stood beside me and made decisions with me.
Thanks for the update, MB. Stay strong, my friend!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I do miss my old life, but I also do miss the guy he used to be. I married him for a reason, and I miss the things about him that made marrying a good idea.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
