Wife with Neighbor Across the Street

[sellout]

Good info guys. I guess I left out some key points that may change some opinions. I have not been begging, I have been giving space for the most part. I have become the best father I have ever been (was not a bad one to begin with), I have lost about 25 lbs (partially working out, partially diet), and have reconnected with some old friends. I have minimized a lot of communication with family members that have been a source of connection for a long time. Since we are living apart its hard for her to see/know all of the above mentioned items but she has caught on enough to see the majority of this. So, other than 100% detaching, which is impossible since we have our son, the commincation has been pretty minimal. At the end of the day, her reaching out to me out of the blue the other night just wanting to get dinner tells me she is not 100% done with this marriage and then to spend 5 hours with me last night further validates that. On the other hand, her dating this OM may end up sealing the fate based on MY decision. Last, it seems the majority of this online community is about detaching and doing what is right for YOU. Honestly guys, that is what got me here in the first place is being selfish and not being attentive to her needs, wants, desires. Wouldn't more selfish behavior further validate her feelings for leaving in the first place? I know if sounds counter-intuitive and there is no magic formula for every situation but it almost seems like the old adage: treat a woman bad and act like you dont like her and she will like you more. What am I missing here?

So she can continue to sell OM and have you as plan B.

possibly, but at this point and with less than three weeks from the divorce going down (which no, I dont want), I will take my chances, put my ego aside and treat her with dignity and respect. I wont chase, but a complete detachment will NOT work with this woman at this point. I think we are too close. She is in a fog right now but I think slowly coming out of it.

[LITB]

What does detachment mean to you?

[sellout]

No calls, text, emails other than coordination for the kid. Make yourself physically and emotionally unavailable. Correct?

[MoveFrwd]

No calls, text, emails other than coordination for the kid. Make yourself physically and emotionally unavailable. Correct?

Not exactly. Have you read the thread(s) in the homework?

It's more about controlling your own emotional well being.

[sellout]

I dont know guys, at a loss here. I feel as though we could potentially be so close to making this work and if I was to detach now, it could throw it all away. What if.... I semi-detach and see what happens in the next 2.5 weeks and then if that doesn't work, then detach? In reality, Ive just lot some time right?

[doodler]

What if.... I semi-detach and see what happens in the next 2.5 weeks and then if that doesn't work, then detach?

sellout,

I'm sorry to be the one to deliver the news, but semi-detaching requires at least three weeks.

[sellout]

Ha! Ok, I will see if I can push the court date about 1 week. I should be good then!!

[Coconut]

wow, I'm amazed at what I read when I just went through your thread.

I'm curious, have you read DR or DB? Have you read the links that cadet gave you the first day? You haven't mentioned one thing your doing that follows along DB principles. I can't tell if you are telling us some of the stuff you've done (like manned up at dinner and told her that you weren't interested in dating her, then gave her your balls and asked if you can have a redo) because you know you fell off the path you should have stayed on, or because you have no idea how bad those actions make you look to her.

Let me ask you something, and be honest. Are you ok with being in a Marriage Relationship with her while she is dating another man?

If not, then why do you keep trying to be her husband when she is with another man? Don't take her shopping and hold her hand, unless you're ok with keeping the relationship where it is.

Many of us, such as myself, do those types of things not knowing that the A is ongoing, but you can't begin to work on a MR while she is still communicating with OM.

You want to know why she keeps going back and forth? Because she wants everything, the safety of her M that she's known since her teens, and to play the field like a teenager... If your not okay with an open M, then don't let her go back and forth, she gets to make a choice, she can decide to stay with OM if she wants to (nothing can be done about that), or she can choose to go NC. If she chooses to continue with OM, then step away as her H, unless your ok with your W dating.

as for the D, I think your trying to use it as a weapon. I'm not sure why your in such a hurry to D. Is there a need to do it to protect yourself? Or do you just feel like it's going to make everything perfect for you if your not M to her? It's NOT going to end your pain and suffering, you need time and to focus on your own happiness for that to happen, it will happen the same whether your M or not. Divorce is a piece of paper, not a magic pill.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but if you really want help in DB'ing, let us know, tell us what your doing and ask us for our opinions on what you could/should be doing... We will help!

But if you just want to bounce all over the place, and immediately act upon your instincts and tell us about it, then that's your perogative and it does make for an interesting read.

[sellout]

Coconut: you are right. It just feels so wrong to "turn my back on her" when she has been there for me in my lowest times over 16 years. I KNOW she still has feeling for me and it would be a shame to give up the bond, life and family we built over 16 years. I don't want to do a "tit for tat" thing either. I want to start fresh and build an amazing foundations and NEW marriage.

[Coconut]

Coconut: you are right. It just feels so wrong to "turn my back on her" when she has been there for me in my lowest times over 16 years. I KNOW she still has feeling for me and it would be a shame to give up the bond, life and family we built over 16 years. I don't want to do a "tit for tat" thing either. I want to start fresh and build an amazing foundations and NEW marriage.

I get all of that, but understand that you CAN NOT rebuild a relationship with her when her mind is set on seeing what it is like with other people. You don't get to make that choice for her, she has to make it.

Until she makes that choice, if she ever does, STOP being there as her husband... immediately retreat to only opening communication with her when it's about logistics (house, kids, etc), only listen when she opens communications and validate her feelings; DO NOT share your feelings, she doesn't get to know about you when she's with someone else

She went beserk when you went out with your friend, she doesn't want to lose you while she's figuring out what she wants, but she also doesn't get to make that decision for you (I am NOT saying go date someone, but be social, enjoy your life and she doesn't get to know what's going on in your life).

and unless there is a underlying LEGAL need to divorce right now, I would postpone or cancel your petition for divorce until you really know what you want (don't text her and let her know, your doing it for you not to get a response from her). If she somehow finds out and asks you why, keep your response short and to the point, something like "Although I will not be in a open Marriage, I decided that a divorce isn't what I wanted right now".