Someone from my wife's circle finally contacted me -- her father. He asked me how I was doing, by email. I broke down big time when I saw that, because I've been wondering whether everyone in her circle hates me or thinks I'm the biggest idiot in the world, because no one in her circle has contacted me before now, and people have hardly responded to me.
He wrote:
Quote:
Hi, WshIKnw,
I've been wondering how you are doing. You have been in our prayers. If there is anything I can help with, please give me a call on [step MIL]'s cell phone, ###-###-####, in the evening.
Love, FIL
What should I say back to him? (whether I email him or call him) An important note about W's father is that he is ultra-religious (Christian).
Here is an email that I drafted (haven't sent it yet) to him as a response:
Quote:
Hey, FIL.
Thank you so much for contacting me and showing concern. I am absolutely devastated by what has happened. I know what I did wrong in the marriage, and I have wanted nothing more than to make it up to W, but she has refused every peace offering that I have extended. I spent the entire month of December and a good portion of January trying everything I could think of to change her mind. Most of the things I did seemed to only push her away more, especially when we would argue. She seems to feed off of anger in her pursuit of this breakup. Because of this, I stopped trying to plead with her and convince her.
You are the first person in her circle of people to reach out to me. I have wondered whether everyone in her circle hates me or thinks I'm the biggest idiot in the world. Please do not share with W the things that I have said. I'm afraid that if she knows how I feel, she won't care, and she will only view it as weakness, and find it unattractive, and turn away from me more. I am concerned about W's well-being. I don't know how she appears to other people, but she seems to be absolutely full of bitterness and hatred towards me. It's a level of anger and bitterness that I have never seen before, from anyone, much less, her. I am concerned that she is making very foolish decisions, harming herself and her life. She seems to be an emotional wreck, to me.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
And I believe she mostly dated him at work. That's one of the problems with work; because people spend so much time at work, it's very easy for them to see other people there more than they see their own spouses.
That maybe true, but have you ever dated someone you worked with? That brings a whole new set of problems for a relationship. I have done it twice and should have learned my lesson the first time.
Her relationship with the OM, regardless of it being an E or P one, will soon come back down to reality. She will eventually start to see his faults and shortcomings as well. Just like so many WW's they are living in a fantasy world right now. They don't realize that every relationship has it's "honeymoon" stage and that the euphoric feeling eventually dies out. She may realize then that what she had with you wasn't so bad and try reconciling. Who knows, by then, you may not even want her back.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
I don't have a whole lot of time at the moment. What I would say to your response, is be very cautious what you share with your FIL. It is his daughter after all. You'd be fooling yourself if you think that he won't share what you email him.
I'll be back later to read your response and make suggestions. I'm sure others will jump in here.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
It's also important to note that my wife and her father are not very close. They speak only a few times a year.
I'm guessing that it is important to note, because you feel it will not get back to your W? It really isn't gonna make or break your sitch and you might have already sent your response.
What is your goal with your response?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Yeah. My family said my email made me sound weak and like I was criticizing his daughter some. They said to send something more like what Kaizen said to send. I just wish I could reach out to them more. I want so badly to know what people in her circle think of me and of what happened, and whether they know that man with a wife and four kids visits her at night.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
What should I say back to him? (whether I email him or call him) An important note about W's father is that he is ultra-religious
Nope and nope and nope.
Two things: Do you think that by contacting him and drafting such a nice email will win her back? Not only no, but hell no. It will look as meddling and going behind her back in her eyes. They don't like it when that happens. I know because I did the same thing and the response was more negative than you ever could imagine. I feel you are set on doing it anyway no matter what will be said on here - so, before you send it, what would be gained from it? Not what you are secretly hoping.
Quote:
You are the first person in her circle of people to reach out to me. I have wondered whether everyone in her circle hates me or thinks I'm the biggest idiot in the world. Please do not share with W the things that I have said.
Blood is thicker than water. Remember that. That second sentence needs to be removed, period. That not only makes you look weak in his eyes, but begging/fishing for information.
Don't send the email. But I bet you will.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I want so badly to know what people in her circle think of me and of what happened
Why?
Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
whether they know that man with a wife and four kids visits her at night.
Again, why?
These make it sound like you want them on your 'side'. To see you are the 'good guy'. That you want them to maybe talk some sense into her or something? Im not sure.
I really urge you to think about your goals in sending the email you proposed. And to think about why you want to know these things so badly.
