Sandi2, well she says she was wrong for having an affair but then she says we were broken. She says she should have broken things off before. She justifies her behavior by saying that it was inevitable so its ok.
I wanted to blame my H for my affair, too. One of the things that will need to be understood on both sides is that you both may be responsible for the breakdown in the MR..........but she, only, is responsible for her A. Nobody makes another person have an affair. It is too easy to place blame on the other person for our actions.
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Right now I sleep in our bed 3-4 days a week every other week. Now I just need to figure out how to strategize popping up in the bed on her nights..... avoid conflict and keep cool..
Yes, stay cool, but don't try to sneak back into her bed, please! That is so passive, and a turnoff. There are certain issues you need to stand up and tell her what you will be doing. She may not like what you have to say, but she will respect your bold decisiveness. Put that on the top of your list of changes. Do not try to tackle it right now, b/c you aren't ready, and you're still wanting to avoid conflict........which becomes a lifetime behavior pattern for a passive nice-guy type of man.
Doodler actually gave good advice. Don't make it appear like an accident that you just happen to have the nights mixed up. However, when the time is right for you to reclaim your bed, you can give your W the option of sleeping in the same bed or elsewhere......but that YOU will be sleeping in the marital bedroom. Does that make sense, or sound contradictive?
I hope you will understand that addressing certain issues do not necessarily deem conflict. If she is used to having her way all the time, then she probably will react in a negative way......but you don't try to "control" her reaction. That is one of the problems that come to conflict avoiders. You want to prevent a bad reaction from your W, and spend your life walking on eggshells to keep her in a tolerable mood. Big mistake!
Choose your battles wisely, and don't face the enemy in a crouched position. Stand tall, confident, and prepared to die on the hill for your standards/beliefs.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, what do you think about this? My wife seems very happy when we talk via text. Talking about kid stuff. But when I see her face to face she talks to me for a minute and then wont look me in the eyes.. if I look away she lloks at me and then if I make eye contact she looks away. Its weird but I need a way to handle this behavior.
She seems happy when we talk at first and then she just avoids me. Unless she has a kid in between us or in the room and she acts all peachy.
I guess this is normal in our situation. I just try to be bright and positive. Im really trying to maintain my integrity and my morals and project that.
It seems to me she is trying to draw a line in the sand. Looking in the eyes is even too intimate for her.. just a parent relationship.
M-41, W-38 M - 6.5 years
12/14/16 - Bomb drop - At his house instead of at work (GPS) 1/18/17 went from emotional to physical affair more lies
Sandi, what do you think about this? My wife seems very happy when we talk via text. Talking about kid stuff. But when I see her face to face she talks to me for a minute and then wont look me in the eyes.. if I look away she lloks at me and then if I make eye contact she looks away. Its weird but I need a way to handle this behavior.
She seems happy when we talk at first and then she just avoids me. Unless she has a kid in between us or in the room and she acts all peachy.
I guess this is normal in our situation. I just try to be bright and positive. Im really trying to maintain my integrity and my morals and project that.
It seems to me she is trying to draw a line in the sand. Looking in the eyes is even too intimate for her.. just a parent relationship.
I could be off here, but my understanding is that when the WW sees you it reminds her of what she did and how she's hurt you. I could be wrong, however.
M-32 W-32 (both military) T-8 M-6 PA Oct/Nov 16 (happened twice) Discovered PA 11/30/16 S 12/1/16 MC 12/1/16 - 1/18/17 BD 1/18/17 A continues? 1/24/17 texts resume with W & OM W Filed 3/8/17 W Deploys 7/17
I would like to echo the advice, do not leave the MBR not even for one night, and definitely since the MBR is in the MH that goes for leaving this. Never remove your stuff. She has the A, if it continues it is her choice, you have made it clear you want the M, a new one with her all in. If she wants out that is her choice and she should go. The children stay with you, get advice on this. Do not let her take the kids, when she moves out they stay with you.
Frankly tough or not, your kids need you, they need stability, love, care and a parent who is not wayward. That's you. Kids come first, they come last and in the middle. Kids thrive with a loving parent. If you read around the board at amazing men, those who have fought for their children, even have sole custody of step children. There are many many examples here. I am minded of one amazing father RD500 who has care of 4 children, Schermann with two, and our terrific Zues who has fought for his children against the odds.
Really I say this with determination, kids thrive with a loving dad, kids are yours for all of your life. A spouse may not be.
If WW starts playing up, record, do not ever drink in her presence. Keep your buttons out of reach and never put your hands on her, block her way, shout or push. He OP is a Sheriff, it puts game play at higher risk.
I really wish this were easier, that there was a magic pill that would put it right. There is only you and your determination as a father to protect your children. I like your attitude, I like very much the way you are involved with your children already. This is special and what you do now will affect the rest of your life. Take it seriously, you are the steady stable one right at this time.
Am already admiring
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla, thanks so much for the honest feedback. I understand now more than ever what I should do. Im just tightrope walking the conversation. I want to make sure that I am projecting confidence and standing a moral ground. Also without breaking amy of my boundary rules and seeming controlling. Im also planning my interactions with her. Trying not to jump in and act like we are marri d. Just friends with kids. Be loving but not in love per say. Calm my self and have some emotional intelligence.
M-41, W-38 M - 6.5 years
12/14/16 - Bomb drop - At his house instead of at work (GPS) 1/18/17 went from emotional to physical affair more lies
7-year itch. How many of us had things start to unravel at the 7 year mark? I bet a lot! Truth is, you can't take her back until she is ready to fully change and recognize what she's done to you. honestly, you don't want her back until that happens... The issue is not how to take her back but to delay the divorce. This^^ would possibly apply to them if they were to reach the piecing stage. Which is what he hopes for.
Being punitive, especially when it's premature, will keep them apart, imo.
You need to focus on you until she has proven (actions, not just words) that she is ready to really try and make things work.
That starts with intensive counseling with a good counselor; one that supports marriage and applies MWD's and Gottman's principles. He has no control over her. There are no words or actions from her to assess, except that she wants out. I feel as if we are reading too different threads.
Until then, you do you, man. setting boundaries will get you respect back faster than anything I know of. It gets worse before it gets better, but boundaries work.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I also want to say that I called a DB counselor to try and get some direction. I feel guilty that I wasnt more patient. They told me I should sit down with her and offer an opportunity to give her opinion of a parrnting plan for the kids while Inam living elsewhere. Make her opinion feel valued... and then end the conversation and report back. Im a bit scared to do this.
My DB coach was a Godsend. I would never undermine the advice given. I would trust them.
I assume they have the same or more facts that we do.
What are you afraid of?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
