WW wife turned WA what to do? Sandi2 anyone?

[75Shade]

Woke_up,
She says that I dont nurture relationships. I wasn't involved enough in things she wanted to do. I was working alot like 60+ hrs a week. She said we lost our connection, she things I am too black and white with my values. The last year she was really critical of me. But always trying to get me to do social things and I was burned out. Perfect storm.

I felt like we were super close before the kids came. Things got really hard for her. She said she felt like a single mom.

Im a good dad, I take the kids to church on sundays now and swim. I setup most of their activities. But its not a fair comparison. My wife only works 20-25 hrs a week. I pay for most things.

I am not chasing really but I have crossed thenline a little by telling her I didnt want the divorce. That Infelt guilty.

I go to thengym now 4 days a week, spend time with friends and do counseing. Just starting to branch out my interpersonal relationships. Othrwise trying to be a better dad. I quit all my extr work. Down to at most 50 hrs a week and getting more sleep.

Im worried that if Inchange the plan and stay home on the couch she will respond like I am trying to cornernor control her.

[Mowgli]

7-year itch. How many of us had things start to unravel at the 7 year mark? I bet a lot!

Truth is, you can't take her back until she is ready to fully change and recognize what she's done to you. honestly, you don't want her back until that happens...

You need to focus on you until she has proven (actions, not just words) that she is ready to really try and make things work. That starts with intensive counseling with a good counselor; one that supports marriage and applies MWD's and Gottman's principles.

Until then, you do you, man. setting boundaries will get you respect back faster than anything I know of. It gets worse before it gets better, but boundaries work.

[sandi2]

Hi Shade, just saw your thread and read about your situation. What are the ages of you and W?

I am a little confused about the current living arrangements, and her offer to help with kids on "your nights". Are you under the same roof?
Is she under the impression you will be moving out?

I don't know what to do. I don't really want her back like this, I really want some kind of serious apology and the offer to do counseling. But I haven't seen her hit any kind of wall or low point. I think she is getting overwhelmed by finances. She had no idea how much I did. I was not appreciated.

I assume you mean you do not want to just act as if the two of you resume the MR where you left off. I don't blame you. Letting a wayward back into the MR without serious work and commitment, is a grave mistake, IMHO. Based on what I have observed for many years, the majority of spouses who were wayward had rather return to the MR and act as if nothing ever happened. This is the easy way out for them. Whenever dirt is swept under the rug, you still have the dirt. IMHO, agreeing on the terms of reconciliation is extremely important, and implementing them is critical.

She may not feel remorse for a long time. I think a lot depends of how much resentment and disrespect she has for you. And of course, she has to get the OM completely out of her head, before her loving feelings for you really start to kick in again.

What I believe is most important and will open the door for remorse, an apology, counseling, etc., is her willingness. Without her willingness, you've got nothing! She may not feel what either of you want her to feel. She may not want to do counseling, or whatever is required..............that's okay. She doesn't have to like it or want it. But is she willing, anyway? That is the key. I have often said about myself, that I had to just be willing......to be willing!

All stipulations should be revealed when discussing reconciliation. Know what changes you want, what you are willing to do, and what you expect from her. She has the same right to give her stipulations, as well. Btw, agreeing to see a therapist experienced in couples healing from affairs, would need to top the list.

Let me point out something about these things you would want.............do not start telling her these things, if she has not even broached the subject of reconciling. I get amazed at H's who practically repeat what he's read off the DB board, and she's not even interested in getting back with him.

Do you continue to treat her as a WW? As long as she is wayward, then I would say so. I think most H's misread his wayward W's actions, which is understandable. So, don't try to attach certain meanings to asking you to lunch, or postponing property sale, etc. You need to be stable, and learn to have patients, b/c this will not be fixed quickly.

I really need to hear more about the MR.

[75Shade]

Mowgli, Im not implying she want to reckncile really. I am just saying she has softened up tremendously. She always makes it anpoint to tell me where she is when we are not together....maybe trying to buiild some level of trust.

I am not ready to take her back. I am not ready. The only thing I am open arms to is professional help.

She is always in communication now which is different and she responds quickly to anything I text her regarding plans or kids... but Indont want to brainwash myself into thinking its more than it is.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[75Shade]

Sandi2, I am 42 and she is 38.

So we take turns living at the house. We almost act like being divorced. Every other weekend we stay there and then we each get a couple daysnduring the week. I stay at my mothers on off nights and she stays at hers.

I dont think she is seeing the other guy. She is embarrassed and ashamed. He is a sheriff and I dont think he wants the attention. Everyone knows us.

She is under the impression that Inam working on moving out. I was tired of the emotional abuse. She was trying to hurt me to free herself I think.

I have pretty much quit talking about things in the relationship. Indid tell her a couple weeks ago that if she wants a divorce which she said yes that I wouldnt want the same. I told her I cant change her mind. She changed after I said that..... she isnt talking with certain and uses maybe in respect to our future..

Indont know if she is wayward. I don't think she is. Inthink she is ashamed and lost her connection. She told me the other day she slaps herself to wake up. She knows I am a good guy but cant go back. Indidnt know what to say. So I didnt say anything

[trumpet]

75Shade,

What if you went radio silent with her, except for kid-related stuff?

I mean NO communication. Read up on 'going dark'.

If she's communicating with you, she's trying to pull you back in, to keep you as a plan B. At least it's happened to others, including myself. It was all a red herring... she made her decision, and wasn't going to let plan B moving on from stopping her.

Even if the affair is over, she will need time to realize her actions have consequences, as well as going through withdrawl from him, which could take months.

I know you want hours or days, not weeks or months. But it will take that long.

Without her complete willingness to do counseling, even on her own, you have nothing I'm afraid.

The biggest challenge of you life (quite possibly) lays in front of you. Going it alone for a while. Let her stew and agonize while you figure you yourself. Your rollercoaster will continue - so exercise, get rest, eat right, and spend time with your kids if you have any.

Many of us have gone through what you are going through. Mowgli, me, Jeep, all good peeps who have seen the bad movie play out over these forums time and time again. Trust Sandi's advice - she is the matriarch of these forums.

Keep posting - it will help. We're here for you.

[75Shade]

Trumpet, its really hard to be dark with a 2 and 5 year old. Child care and arrangements are alot of work. Otherwise I am dark.

Like I said almost all communication is about the kids.

I'm just trying to figure out if I should move out. Or stay. I have an apartment that I own coming available. She thinks Im moving in because we both agreed to a divorce. Since then we have really chilled on the divorce talk. I want to just stay and not leave. But How do you go dark under the same roof? That seems ineffective to me. Im stuck at a crossroads.

[Cadet]

I'm just trying to figure out if I should move out. Or stay. I have an apartment that I own coming available. She thinks Im moving in because we both agreed to a divorce. Since then we have really chilled on the divorce talk. I want to just stay and not leave. But How do you go dark under the same roof? That seems ineffective to me. Im stuck at a crossroads.

Standard advice here is not to move out.
Not sure why you should be any different.

Let her move out.
One of the biggest mistakes you can make in a divorce proceeding is
to move out.

[Gordie]

I want to just stay and not leave.

If you want to stay...stay.