It's been a long time since I've posted here! After 1 year and 9 months of separation from my husband who insisted that he would never come home, I heard words that I had been longing to hear! "The last few weeks I haven't been able to get you off my mind. I've been having dreams about you. Dreams about being a family again, of making love to each other and then you crying afterward because of everything I've put you through." These words came to me after I admitted to him that early in our separation, while I was very vulnerable, his best friend showered me with compliments, innappropriate texts, and kissed me twice...and I let him. I have no idea why I indulged in this behavior whatsoever, before insisting that it end after a very short period...because his friend isn't attractive to me whatsoever and I am not spiteful. We discovered that this mutual friend of ours has been lying to both of us about each other in an effort to keep us from reconciling because he wanted to make me his wife. This was just Monday. DH and I spoke about it on the phone on Wednesday night (which was amazing because he has refused to communicate with me about important things in any fashion other than texting since he left...he even broke up with me via text...) Yesterday he texted me to talk about music - our primary shared interest - and we ended up casually chatting all day. I was busy cleaning so I didn't rush to respond to him and when I would go for a while without texting, he would text again - as if he was almost clinging to his phone waiting to hear from me. What a WONDERFUL feeling! He suggested that he take me to an open mic night (to observe, not perform) "sometime." Which I think was his asking me to go on a date? But what's up with this noncommittal "sometime?" We decided that the kids and I would travel to his town 30 minutes away last night and go to a park as a family. We've done random things as a family a few times since we separated for various reasons, so i didn't think it would do any harm as long as we don't imply to the kids that we are working on anything. The lack of clarity is driving me insane. I am really battling self control when it comes to bombarding him with questions. Is it ok for me to ask him "are we in the beginning stages of trying again...or are we just being friendly?" Do I need to ask? Does the combination of his statements this week say that we are going to try again? We've spent so much time now with him being cold and distant and my being guarded, trying to follow the rules and respect boundaries...that now it is very awkward and we both agreed that we don't know how to behave with each other...
Thoughts? I feel like I'm dangling from a limb in limbo...and the lack of clarity, as I said, is making me feel very anxious.
Me: 30 Him: 30 Daughter: 5 Son: 3 Daughter: 1 Started dating: 2008 Married: 2010 He moved out: late 7/14
Hi jpLove, I don't have any advice but when I read your post it cried out to me because I'm in a similar situation right now. My H left 6 months ago but has recently started (maybe) taking steps towards returning. We have done some self counselling exercises from a relationship book and then last week we went out for a meal (very awkward, like a blind date!). He mentioned going for another meal this week but as yet hasn't confirmed anything and I'm doing the no pressure thing and not asking him. All the while it feels like he kind of wants to reconcile but he doesn't say so. We have done a few things as a family too and I worry it is giving the kids hope when I'm not entirely sure if there is. I did ask my H a couple of weeks ago, "Where do we go from here?" when we finished the exercises in the book but his reply was very cagey and non-committal. He just said, "We keep moving forward." He couldn't tell me what that meant and still I'm in limbo. If you do decide to ask your H I would say be prepared for a non-committal answer. They just don't seem to want to say anything definite. It is so frustrating, I agree!
Hi jplove, I feel you sister! Same kind of thing here. After being separated for 3 months, H has slowly begun to text, then slowly graduated to calling. He wants to fly down to visit, and I am trying so hard not to ask the same questions you are struggling with in your sitch- what does this mean? are we starting something up? what to expect from a weekend together? I know if I ask, I'll get non-committal answer if any answer at all. I think it's not so much that they won't commit, although I think that's part of it, but more that they just don't know. I think of them like lost boys- like Pan in the song Neverland. I take it all as very good signs that they are reaching out, probably in the only ways they know how. My course of action is going to try to stay a bit aloof also and not overwhelm him, but to take baby steps and let him find his way back in his time. That goes against my natural reactions, but as Michelle would say- "How have your natural reactions served you in the past?" NOT GOOD. So I'm trying a new way.
M-58 H-49 M-13 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"Expectations are resentments under construction." Anne Lamott
Loc: great lakes state
Hi ladies, reading your comments make me happy for you!! I'm new as of yesterday, and just reading through people's stories and trying to come to grips with the BD on me last week. H has not left, wants to still stay committed to working things out but is giving me no guarantees. its stressful and its like i have to walk around on eggshells. Ive been putting on a happy face and listening to him instead of lashing out, I'm trying to appear busy (although its been hard from lack of interest in my normal hobbies). his behavior has been erratic, saying things passive aggressively to try and get a negative response out of me, but I stay silent and open. (very very hard for me)- I wanted to give my two cents and say to stay aloof and expect nothing, which is what I am trying to do now. hard concept to follow but it will keep you from being hurt again. Also you wont seem "eager" and "pushy" and it may even make him crave you more. just a thought. hope everything works out for you ladies.
Me:33 H:30 M:6 T:9 NO KIDS BD:3/14/17 ILYBNIL