You have gotten some great advice for me so I just wanted to say that I agree with the lovely lady Vanilla. For me, I burned the bridge way early and I'm glad I did because it allowed me to see that I was better off without my ex. I realize not everyone is in that boat, but for me, I was cheated on and I wouldn't allow that to continue, so I torched that darn bridge and never looked back. And, I also agree with what Ginger and Jeep both said...you have to live like she isn't coming back and sometimes you have to burn the bridge to get the distance you need to work on YOU. And, isn't that really what is important here....working on YOU?
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Dawn, thanks for your post. Things still feel ... in flux for me. I feel movement under my feet. I feel like I'm on a big ferry and it's leaving a homeland. I see the distance in the water increasing.
I took a quick look at your original post, Dawn. One root problem in your previous marriage was a mismatch in sex drive. What happened on that front? Was there anything to be done to resolve that difference between the two of you? Was it too late to fix? What is your attitude about sex now? Has it changed?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
You said on your other thread you have been helping XW with some of the areas where she is lacking in life skills? Was that good or bad for you? I had one of those incidents this past week where my W was asking me something she knows nothing about and then got frustrated with me when I tried to explain it to her.
Also, re physical intimacy, how are you doing managing yourself? I feel like your XW neglected you for a very long time and that can certainly cause some damage to the psyche. Are you working through these issues with a counselor or friend or someone else? Feel free to ignore if this is too intimate to answer, but have just been concerned about you given how things transpired.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thanks for saying what you said. It feels good and gives me hope for getting into a physically (sexually) healthier relationship. It was really boom & bust for me in that department w/ my XW so ... I'm looking forward to being together with someone who is more stable in that department. But then at my age range ... I see a lot of people (men and women) who just don't appear physically healthy to me. So maybe I have to adjust my expectations? I don't have the sex drive I did as a 20 year old but I feel I am in pretty good physical health, not just sexually but in most other ways.
I can count the days I've been with a woman (my XW) ... but I'm not focusing on it. I have had, and can understand the allure of fairly casual sex but I don't know, I'm not itching for it. I guess if things just fell into place I'd be eager to follow through but I'm not going to go hang out at a bar or do Tinder or something like that to hook up. Just how DO 50 year olds hook up? I have no idea.
I have talked about this w/ my IC and she has encouraged me to date in general but hasn't identified some type of sexual dysfunction as something I should work on. She did say that when a co-dependent like myself fall in love with an intensely needy person like my XW, it is like being hooked on a drug. I experienced my own intense euphoria when I initially fell in love with my XW, and that's something I have to recover from. I think I recognize that dynamic, as that has happened to me one before with someone who was very intensely physical, and I had a hard time getting over her.
I'm not sure if I answered your question but ... maybe my answer is that it is something I'm cognizant of but nothing particular I am working on. I haven't met w/ my IC for a while now because I've been feeling fairly stable and content -- dare I say happy? But I will keep this in mind, both to mull over myself and to bring up w/ my IC.
But yeah, it would be a dream to be in a relationship w/ someone whose sexual drive was healthy, steady, giving and satisfying.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
It sounds like you've already/are dealing with this, which is good! I was reading an article that this is one of the taboo subjects when a spouse leaves or dies and that it actually helps when someone else even asks/acknowledges it as an issue (family and friends find it awkward to ask), so I was emboldened.
Re casual sex, I think some people get pleasure from that, but others do not. I'm in the latter category, as far as I know, but have really only had one sexual relationship my whole life. You know yourself better than anyone else, so trust yourself.
Re 50 year old dating and hook ups, I'm not the expert (have never used a dating app), but I have enough single friends in that age range that I know it does happen.
Re health, the sad truth is most Americans by their 40s and 50s aren't in great shape, so if that's important to you, maybe you need to become more socially involved with a coed group of people that are interested in fitness/fitness related activities.
Glad to hear you are happy! You continue to be a source of support and inspiration to me in this journey.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I was reading an article that this is one of the taboo subjects when a spouse leaves or dies and that it actually helps when someone else even asks/acknowledges it as an issue (family and friends find it awkward to ask), so I was emboldened.
I'm all ears for becoming a healthier person, for the short-term and the long-term, in this department. I'm curious what this article suggests. What are some things the article suggests?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
If you google Jane Brody and sex...you'll find it. The article just focused on the fact that missing/griveing sex is normal and that it's healthy for friends, family and counselors to be open about that...and that it's nothing the LBS spouse should feel guilty about...the only recommendation was not to jump into a new relationship just for sexual reasons...but think you already know that.
As a counterpoint, I have a friend who is my age and his W left him and his two kids for an OM (serious affair down, but you probably already guessed that). He doesn't want to bring another woman into his children's lives, so he restricts himself only to casual relationships. He makes it clear to his girlfriends upfront that he doesn't want a serious relationship and that he is divorced and raising two children on his own and that he has no intention of introducing another woman into their lives. That's his choice and what he thinks is right for him and his kids...and he has had no shortage of girlfriends/sexual partners. He said he'll consider serious dating when the kids are out of the house.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I think physical intimacy is a natural and wonderful thing. Many of us have certainly been deprived of it as our marriages crumbled and thereafter.
For me, it's a bit of a catch 22. I crave physical intimacy however I don't really want physical intimacy without the emotional connection. But I am not really emotionally healthy enough to connect.
Sex and dating is so different now then when i was single. I Was so young when I was dating my ex, that a lot of my ideas about sex are more relationship centered...still a big deal in my mind. Casual sex still is taboo for me and doesn't quite register even though I know it is so common and easy with dating apps like tinder.
It's surreal because we're still so amicable, because we're still really collaborative about our kids, because I still give out cake now and gain, because it took a long time to divorce ... sometimes I find myself asking, My God, how did I get here? How is it that my kids and I are sitting here in a whole 'nother house, sitting down for dinner, smiling, chatting.. everything seeming so normal... but with my kids' mother gone, missing, absent?
I gotta keep telling myself ... man, she $#@! divorced you. After all those years, after all that you've poured into the marriage, into loving her ...
SHE #^@%!&@! DIVORCED YOU.
I've got to mantra-up.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
It's surreal because we're still so amicable, because we're still really collaborative about our kids, because I still give out cake now and gain, because it took a long time to divorce ... sometimes I find myself asking, My God, how did I get here? How is it that my kids and I are sitting here in a whole 'nother house, sitting down for dinner, smiling, chatting.. everything seeming so normal... but with my kids' mother gone, missing, absent?
Yes, yes it is. She's amicable because you are still the baker of the cakes - when that totally stops, a different "her" will appear.
I've asked those same questions. Only the air never answered. It is what it is, my friend. You are doing well - you have to, because your kids need you to.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
